Well, it is the day after Christmas and I really hope that everyone who reads this blog had a wonderful, enjoyable and relaxing holiday. After my mini-meltdown Christmas Eve (and Sana sent me an early Christmas present in the form of Oscar who was a ROCK), I went back to sleep to see if I could not wake up on a better side of the bed. It is a process, and none of this (the overcoming, getting over and processing) is going to just let me say POOF! I’m over him, his actions and I am all better. It all has to be taken one day at a time, and some days will be better than others, the bad days will get further and further apart and thinking about tomorrow will not and does not change how I feel today.
I value and appreciate having others along with me on this journey down the hallway….the insight, input and advice I get is invaluable. I have an Independent Consultant who has been around since the days of Married Man….I am going to feed my ego and call her Mini-Me and not because we resemble each other…we don’t; but her relationships tend to take on patterns that strangely follow mine….whatever strange, fucked up thing my man does….hers suddenly does. Whatever I feel towards my man at a particular moment….she feels . But she can be a bitchy thing also…whenever my relationship is in a really fucked up spot…..that is when hers is over the moon and she will rub.it.in.my.face. And then she wonders why I curse her out….I tell people up front….MY shit is all fucked up and I REALLY am not in the mood to hear about your wonderful news or how fucking great your damned man is right now. Tell me later when I can be happy for and with you., but Mini-Me never listens. Never. But in any case, she and I were talking over the holiday weekend and she said something that is so fucked up yet so truthful, I can do nothing but laugh and accept it: the woman told me I was an emotional hoarder.
I am going to say I have known that I am one but never knew the words or terminology to describe it; I blogged once about putting memories/emotions away for future reference and I tell you guys all the time I am a grudge holding bitch. Put the two together and this is what it has led to…..being a hoarder. I really try NOT to be petty and to overlook slights, snubs and downright rude behavior but when it comes to just doing me wrong or using my face to wipe your ass with…..I do hold on. With Mini-Me, I STILL hold a grudge against her and the infraction is over 8 years old. Really, and when I think about it, I get just as pissed as I did the day it happened and will call her up to curse her out all over again…..over a freaking seafood salad. Seriously. In 2002, a group of girls (me included) took a trip to Ocean City and we split ourselves into two rooms. Because not everyone had the money to eat out every meal, we brought groceries to take advantage of the kitchenette; each room was responsible for their own breakfast but we agreed to share dinners. One night, one room was to make fried chicken and corn on the cob, and my room decided I would make my famous seafood and pasta salad. So I prepare the salad, and when my room went downstairs to share dinner, Mini-Me’s room had eaten ALL the chicken and corn!! ALL of it…..so me and my girls took OUR salad back to our room to eat, and Mini-Me wanted to raise hell and call ME a greedy, selfish bitch. Needless to say, that started something that pretty much ended with all in Mini-Me’s group being a bunch of worthless, fat, lazy, loose booty bitches. They could take their stank asses far away from me and if they all dropped dead that was fine by me and NONE of them had best never say not one word to me EVER again in life. I am sure you know our weekend getaway was a bust from there on out and I honestly did not speak to any of those chicks for a good two weeks….Mini-Me came to me with an apology but I was in grudge mode. Here is another truth about me: you cannot ever let me be in the right as no matter what I say I want from you…it will never be enough. No matter if you fall to your knees and beg my forgiveness and jump through every hoop I put out there….you will always be wrong and I will always be right and I will NEVER let you forget that fact. So I lied, told her I forgave her but really, I haven’t. That incident colors everything I say and do with her and whenever I get good and ready, I pull it out and just vent on her. Yet, she says I am her best friend ever ( I am still a good friend to her) and when we do our weekend in Ocean City, she is always part of the group and ALWAYS has to room with me. We no longer cook ourselves; you have to have the money to feed yourself, period.
With Policeman, I am still emotionally hoarding…..I have NOT forgotten his hurtful ass comment and while I will at least answer the phone when he calls, I have little to nothing to say to him. He tells me I am his only confidante and he cares so much for and about me and if he lost my friendship his whole word would change…..but all I can think is he hurt me with a careless remark and I am NOT letting that go. Ever. He belittled my feelings and tried to discount what is the worst thing to ever happen to me sober because I am not married to the man. Hell, Policeman IS married and has a girlfriend and STILL will never know what it is like to receive the depth of love and caring I gave to Him. This statement is going to sound so petty, but he showed himself to be nothing but a jealous hater.
Reliable One….the man is an idiot who has no idea what to say out of his damned mouth and while he does come through for me, and takes me to dinner and buys me presents…it is getting to the point I feel he owes it to me for the shit he puts out there. My emotional hoarding with Reliable One has me developing a sense of entitlement and that is NOT good…for either of us. He tells me that he loves me, I am his dream girl and he will be here to help me until I can take of myself for the long term…..but he will turn around and call me fat ( remember the Michelin Man on stilts comment?), ugly ( almost beautiful isn’t beautiful) and that he likes another girl more than me. Well and good, but seriously, unless you can say something nice, positive and encouraging to me..please do us both a favor and SHUT THE FUCK UP! I have never told him he was either handsome or ugly; I make no comments as to him needing to give up the gym as he is doing nothing but getting bigger in all the wrong places; I say absolutely nothing about him being well over half a hundred and never having left his mother’s house or that he still sleeps in the twin bed he grew up in or the fact that he has to be home FROM WORK before the street lights come on because his mother has him on curfew. I used to tell him he was a nice guy, but now, even that may stop. All I know is when he says those hurtful (and intentional or not, hurt is hurt) things, not only am I tucking them away with the other fucked up things he has said, I am already planning which bill his ass will be paying that month. I am wondering how long before he notices the pattern.
Him….what can I say? What I thought was all good has turned out to be all wrong. He has destroyed the trust between us and has compromised the understanding and acceptance. The part of me that loves him is miniscule compared to the part of me that is now hoarding all the wrongs and infractions. The communication he sent Thursday: who KNOWS why he put the line that negates the rest of the missive in there, but objectively, he DID attempt an apology and perhaps amends as best he knows how….but it is not enough. You are going to gloss over the fact that you destroyed me emotionally by saying you made me “feel bad”? Feeling bad is having a cold; feeling bad is PMS or forgetting a close someone’s birthday. What I went through ( and am still going through) is NOT feeling bad…..crying at my desk at work, on the bus ride home and wishing I could just die is not feeling bad. I have been downhearted ever since the day he left; I wear a mask to answer the fucking phone and he says he made me “feel bad”? Bull.Shit. A generic “all I did and did not do and say”….you DON’T know what you did?? You cannot tell me that YOUR cowardice, deceptiveness and lies has brought us to this point? Are you still hiding behind your denial and delusions, and while you cannot shoulder all the blame as you should be doing, you think you are manning up by sending me this piece of shit email?? This man, who tell me how good I look should we see each other again, has shown me that everything he has ever told me is a lie and I am supposed to take his telling me how good I look as a compliment? He allowed his head to be turned by a bug-eyed BTH and I am supposed to believe him that I look good? This is a man who only takes his head out of his ass long enough to blow smoke up mine…and I am supposed to just accept this half assed apology and forgive and forget because it is the best he can do? Kiss my ass. Seriously.
Definitely, I am an emotional hoarder and I need to forgive and forget so I can clear some room in my heart and soul….I need to clean my closet, if you will. Forgiveness, it comes but not quickly…..you have to wrestle with the hurt and anger; you have to overcome the self-righteousness. If you don’t, you remain a bitter victim who only gives the illusion of moving on. You remain bent on your vengeance and will deny the happiness or goodness of what was right and good with what you had because you are wrapped up in and possibly choking on the bile of what went wrong. You have to forget, at least all that was bad and wrong….you HAVE to, because without forgetfulness, there is no forgiveness. You can’t say I forgive you but every time you turn around, you are throwing what they did in their face. I forgave and forgot once (with Him I did) but I made a fatal mistake….I forgot the lesson. This time around, I hesitate to forgive fully and forget anything. I did it the first time and he went straight for the jugular in less than a month See, I know me…..with this man, I will always give him my all and if I hold onto lessons learned, I cannot give him my all. I will hold back and build walls so high even I won’t be able to see over them.. IF these cryptic communications with the lackluster, half-assed apologies are his way of reaching out to find his way back home to me, I can’t accept this. It is not enough even though I told him that if he gave me an apology and an explanation it would be. Now I am the one with the mixed signals, but it is not because I am that fucked up. It is because I have grown….while he has been being happier than ever and looking/dressing/feeling/great and losing weight, I have been growing, healing and processing…I am no longer in the space I was when I told him an apology would suffice….and he is just now getting there.
Maybe the saying should be forget and forgive, because if you have forgotten, there is nothing to forgive. But another adage cautions us that those who forget history are doomed to repeat it…..so is there a balance? Is there a way to clean out emotional closets, and shine up the tarnished memories so they are pretty and bright again and the memories that are too dirty and tattered you can just toss away like the garbage they are? Can you toss the story yet keep the lesson? Basically, I want to know: is there a way to forgive, forget yet still hold onto lessons learned AND still think of a person with fondness and tenderness for when times were good and great and there were whispers instead of shouting, laughter instead of tears and tender kisses instead of your heart being ripped out of your chest? I think it is called Time….and if it doesn’t heal all wounds, it scars them over and makes them bearable.