I am going to say something I never thought I would ever say, or at least not until it was over: Thank God for this process. Seriously. Today…two days before Christmas, I receive an email from Him. Out of the blue and totally unexpected and still so typically him. Like a good little girl, I sent it off to some Panel members…Morning Person, Artsy Craftsy, Pregnant One, Oscar, Quiet One Chef and Cuz. Even some Independent Consultants were tapped for this communication…and we are all stupefied and wondering when in the HELL is Artsy Craftsy going to order those damned decoder rings. She is hesitant to order them given my new mindset as she says that we won’t need them soon, but really…..I am waffling all over the place and who knows who is next in line on my dance card? I tend to choose guys who LOOK to be normal, sane and together on the outside and in the beginning, but they all turn out to be defective and in need of a factory recall.
I am going to say the communication was to wish me a Merry Christmas but I am not really sure. He started off telling me he never hated me and was hurt I would think that (hmmm…you told me so!); he never has and never would say anything negative against me. He apologized for anything he did or did not do that caused me to hurt or feel bad. BUT, he is the happiest he has ever been in his life, he is looking, dressing and feeling great and he has lost weight. THEN he wished me a Merry Christmas. That’s it. Morning Person says he and I are meant for each other as he under-communicates and I over-communicate; kind of like Jack Sprat and his wife except with words.
You know, the second thing that galls me about this entire fiasco (the first being his treatment of me) is that he has NEVER come clean with me about the BTH: the man has never told me he is in a relationship, he has never said he has a girlfriend or a woman….he says nothing to me personally, but he creates his own rumors and makes sure I hear them. He has ample opportunity to do so, he just chooses not to; yet he will either ignore me when faced with a direct question or wants to jump all over me when I get ghetto and break shit down to its simplest terms for him. So, either he thinks I already know and I am going to be truthful here….. I know he told me he met a woman and it was a “whirlwind tornado”; I know that the puzzle pieces he displays suggest a relationship; I know the rumors he leaks and put them together, it tells me that YES, he is in a relationship and I know about it via gossip and grapevines. However, it is all circumstantial; if this were a court of law, more than likely I would lose the case. Some cases have been won on circumstantial evidence, but countless have been lost.
He had the perfect opportunity to give us both closure and lay this mess to rest and one would think the line about “happiest he has ever been” would do so….it stung to hear that a man I still love is so freaking happy without me, but Morning Person pointed it out first: he never said WHAT had him so damned happy. I am assuming it is the BTH. Personally I was going in two directions: either it was the BTH or fucking me over royally had him so damned happy. Oscar says that line was the cruelest thing she has ever read and obviously the man was dense and fucking nuts. Chef just wants to know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, and if him really thinks his current state of being is happiness, the man is beyond help.
He has proven himself to be a liar with himself and others: Quiet One, Chef and Artsy Craftsy all tell the same tale: the man looks like sin dipped in misery. Not 5 months ago, while he was balding, his hair had more pepper than salt in it; now, he is completely gray. His face is more lined and wrinkled than before and Quiet One says it looks like a prune. With me, there were some wrinkles and laugh lines (but he smiled and laughed so much with me, I never really noticed) and I would always try to get him to let me give him an apricot scrub to exfoliate his skin, but he always refused. The weight loss is uneven….his pants are still tight ( the man really does have a fat ass) but his shirts and jackets are hanging on him and according to Artsy Craftsy….his lack of clothing/fashion sense is really shining through. Yet, to me he says how great he is looking and dressing. Not sure if he is living in a parallel universe, or my Islanders need eye appointments but what good does it do my Panel to tell me how miserable he is? And how do 3 separate people of different races, ages and genders get bad vision at the same time regarding the same subject?
So he has yet to come clean, has yet to offer an explanation or a sincere apology….seriously. His first apology basically said: I’m sorry, but all of what you talk about is in your head. This time around, he said: I’m sorry, but in order for me to be happy, not only did you have to go, I had to goat fuck you first. I am continuing the process to give myself closure; I told you, this man is the Master of Mixed Signals and his denials and delusions boggle the mind, cross the eyes and make the head shake. If I were not involved in a lifestyle that calls for honesty the majority of the time (actually it is all the time, but I am a work in progress) and I did not have a support group, I would not know if I were coming or going. If I were not in this process, I am not sure where I would be emotionally….probably taking a page from Buddy’s girlfriend’s book and pitching tents at the end of his driveway; however, I AM in a process, and I do have a support group and as hard as it is, I AM being truthful and objective so I am in a good place. I can see that at this point in time…..there is nothing between us. If I am offering abc, I need him to offer it also, not come at me with q’s and v’s. You do not have to bring more to the table than I do, but at least bring the same things…..and all he can match me in is fucked up for fucked up.
I am no longer analyzing because there is nothing to analyze…..at least not with this communication there isn’t. Morning Person is getting a little more worried and is insisting I say nothing, as is Quiet One. Nobody knows what he is thinking or where is trying to go with this and I have already decided: I have to see him for myself. This verbal interaction allows him to hide behind the smoke and mirrors and no one knows if the outstretched hand is reaching out or pushing away. Once I see him with my own eyes, the eyes that see all of him and the eyes that know what his eyes are hiding, then I can make a determination. I am not rushing anything and I am not forcing anything; it is what it is and I am betting it won’t change anytime soon…at least on his end it won’t. I need to pull myself together and be ready to leave it all behind in a little over a week….remember, I am not dragging this into the New Year; we can create new drama or finally kill and bury this whatever it is that apparently neither of us is willing to let die. Gladys Knight said it best: Neither one of us wants to be the first to say goodbye. But maybe….just maybe, if we say goodbye to each other, clear the smoke and remove the mirrors, we can finally say hello to ourselves.