Blue Christmas

It is Christmas Eve, and I am not filled with cheer or holiday spirit or anything resembling those things. You know, no matter what has happened in my life, I have always had the holiday spirit….the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas when the air is crisp and cold; people smile more and are more generous with kind words, money and food; there may not be snow, but the city is decked out with wreaths, trees, lights and bows. You know, the time of year when you wish complete strangers the very best for a wonderful holiday and a new year and the plight of the homeless and the hungry tug at your heartstrings even more. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and Christmas is not far behind. Of course I love to RECEIVE gifts (who doesn’t?) but I am one of the few who get true joy from giving….to match the perfect gift with a person and their personality…..I love it.

This year….a year that I held such high hopes and expectations for….a year that was the start of a new decade and hopefully a new direction for me…..has disappointed me in all ways and on all levels. Professionally, I am still not a permanent part of anyone’s agency and my salary has me struggling to keep the roof over my head and clothes on my back. Money  or the lack of it, has seen me spend my two favorite holidays alone and unable to provide for family and friends. I do not mind the alone part so much as I am not prepared physically or emotionally to deal with people…I have no energy to put the happy mask on unless I absolutely have to. I have email, telephone, movies, books and so many other things to occupy my mind and my time; not being able to give my friends and family presents as a token of my love, appreciation and gratitude pangs me. I know it is not all about the food or the presents and I am not a material person per se, but after all I have been through and the countless hours, emails, support and advice my Panel and my mom have given me throughout this tumultuous year…words seem so empty and meaningless. Old friends and new friends alike have shown me a depth of love and compassion  that overwhelms me and while not even the most expensive gift could match the pricelessness of that, it is more tangible.

Personally…..again, I fell into the trap. Earlier this year, he and I were estranged. He had said in no uncertain terms that we would ever again be sexual; he feared that he could not offer to me what he felt I needed and deserved. I disagreed as I thought it was his inadequacy, depression and ego speaking but I accepted that and we had fallen into a friendship. I had again learned to be comfortable with my singleness and was just about ready to venture back out there in all ways, when he stated he wanted to try again. That is one thing with this guy….he has an uncanny knack of knowing when I am ready to venture forth and spread my wings (or legs) with someone different, and that is when he is ready to try something with me.  We had a couple of  false starts, but then came the day….I asked him a thousand times was he sure. I told him we could just make it a onetime thing and just fall back into the friendship…but he was insistent that we both give it a full effort. Everyone was in the past, he was ready to go further and farther with me….and now look at us. It is Christmas Eve and I have been awake since 6am crying my eyes out. I don’t have him crying his eyes out…I have him being happy and making Christmas merry and bright and decking halls and jingling bells. And here is a question: during a breakup, why does the dumpee, who is in misery and pain, have the dumper being incredibly happy?  We have no way of knowing anything but it seems the dumper is always so much happier without the dumpee. Are we programmed to ingest as much misery as possible, either via gossip/social circles or our imagination?  I swear, I think my imagination and my committee are my own worst enemies during this process. My Panel tells me what I need to know to  let go of false hope and while a couple of things have been painful, the truths they see and relate do not make me feel better; it appeals to the love I have for him and brings back memories of what we had when it was good.  I ask myself why can’t he love me/care for me on a consistent basis? Why can’t he be honest with both of us? Why does he throw shit out there he feels only at that moment and encourage me to pick it up, only to knock it out of my hands? When will I be over the hurt of it all, and when will he become a distant memory?

NOT Christmassy thoughts, but perhaps appropriate. Winter has been a cruel season in my family as that is when Death seems to prefer to snatch my loved ones, so perhaps I am grieving and mourning what once was and never will be again. I cry because we are both facing tomorrows without each other and without knowing what could have been; I cry because I felt something with him that if he could have freed himself from his demons and allowed himself to freely give in, it would have been something beyond words and measure. I cry because at this moment in time…..we are over and I fear that the ultimate worst case scenario will come true and kill off the last vestige of hope I keep tucked away and out of sight. I fear the unknown and the change I am now going through. I fear that it really IS me and not him and I am destined to always be the one who loves and gets left.

So this year, there is no Christmas in my house….yes, I have up a tree ( tabletop….I live in a studio), cards and a couple of decorations. I am playing remixed Christmas carols and wish neighbors, family and friends Happy Holidays but there is no Christmas here. There is mourning and grief and a resolve to not carry this into 2011. I have no ideas what awaits in the new year, but I need all the positive thoughts and karma I can muster; not the insecurities and hurt/pain of this fiasco. I need a positive attitude and can-do resolutions to improve all areas of my life. I want a better holiday season next year….I want lots of food, family and friends. I want smiles, laughter ad funny stories. I want happy memories, not a re-hashing of the whys and whats and hows.

Perhaps 2010 is my Year of the Storm…..and storms do not last always. I want to flip this entire thing around and say I am being tested and prepared for blessing so huge and wonderful, they will overflow and I will be at a loss as to what to do with all this newfound happiness. I can only hope so…..and pray that the hurting stops soon so I can move forward again.

Well, I wish all of my readers a VERY Merry Christmas; I wish you love, peace and all the good gifts you asked for. I wish you happiness and lots of good food and that no one ever takes you for granted. I wish you all are appreciated and show appreciation and that this is your best Christmas ever. We’ll talk again on Sunday.


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