Okay, it’s Sunday and I am still in pain. I came home Friday night, checked in with some folks, popped two muscle relaxers and fell asleep. Woke up Saturday still in pain and laid in the bed all day. The pain on Sunday morning was not the unbearable pain of the week past, but I had to take my time making the bed, running a vacuum and getting my shower. Frequent breaks were called for and by Sunday evening, I was back grunting and groaning and wondering if I will make it into the office. At this point, this pain is just getting on my nerves. Seriously. Going to the doctor does no good as once the pain starts, all once can do is rest, drink lots of water and take pain meds. The only good thing is it has diminished my appetite and I think I am looking curvier every day….but I am foggy off the meds so my perception does not count for much right now.
In less than 2 weeks, 2010 will be no more and this year, I am making only 2 resolutions: to leave the drama and negativity from any and all fiascos in 2010 and to get out more. That’s it. I feel that leaving behind the drama and negativity is the first step to freeing myself from additional baggage. It is going to be hard to do so…..remember, I can hold a grudge forever. No joke. So I have to let it all go….expectations, disappointments, the unanswered questions. The getting out more…..self explanatory. Men and dating are like jobs….they are not coming knocking on your door to find you. They say opportunity knocks, but I doubt that opportunity is going to come to my apartment door and say: Here I am. Take me now. No, I have to get out and create my opportunities and see what is out there. Again, no expectations or obligations…..and I may not get anything the first 5 times out there and that will be fine. I am famous for saying patience is a virtue and I am not a virtuous woman, but with this new year coming in, I will learn to be. This fiasco has taught me some lessons and opened my eyes; I now see that giving someone you love your all and freely is NOT the way to go….you have to let them earn some of it because people appreciate what they have to earn and work for; whatever foundation you have beforehand cannot be brought into consideration if you are taking the foundation to another level. The lessons ( and how many more will I learn before this process is over?) are bitter pills to swallow but I now know what I will not tolerate any longer and will nip in the bud right quick. I may not know all I want and need, but I do know what I don’t want or need and that may be the best thing yet.
I am working on me and even though I hate what happened between him and I, I am no longer placing blame. How can I expect a man who is not honest with himself and has no idea what he is looking for to be honest with me or realize what we had together? Yes, there was deception and disrespect….but he is giving it not only to me but to all involved, himself and the BTH included. Yes, I wanted vengeance (still do, truth be told) but for now, he has gotten away with all he has done. One day, he will have to answer to someone about it all and I cannot make that day come any sooner and I cannot make myself be the person he will answer to. I have come to realize that the day he chose her over me, we were over; when I retaliated with my hurtful words and missives, we were history. I cannot keep looking back, trying to analyze this or save us. Save us from what?? It has already happened and no sense trying to figure out the future….what will be, will be and looking back at him, I have no idea what may be right in front of my face.
I know I have to heal and process and answer some hard questions. I have to find out what is in me that attracts the men I do, why guys say I am so many wonderful, positive things but I am not their long term material. Am I a full time job hiring only part-time workers? Does the understanding and acceptance I offer give us TOO much insight into the other or am I, like Morning Person says, giving others too much credit in thinking they are on the same mental and emotional plane as myself? Are my demands too simple and meager or am I asking too much even with the few demands I do have? After all, which is easier….being naked (in all senses of the word) and truthful with yourself and your partner or buying dinner and making small talk? Perhaps I really am too much ( I have been called Crazy Sunshine: blinding, dazzling and bathing all in my warmth and light) and was made to stand out and it takes a certain type of man to handle all that I am…I just have not found him yet and I am being prepared for him as he is being prepared for me.
I don’t mind carrying him into 2011 as long as they are the good memories and the times he really was my friend. If I can remember in my heart the good we had and remember in my head why the good went bad, I may be okay. I guess that is the forgiveness speaking…..despite how we ended up, once he was what I wanted and the answer to every prayer. I need to remember that…..the positive, the light and the good. The bad and the ugly will have to stay behind…kind of like when someone dies. You remember them, but you remember the good and the funny, not the godawful things they did. I did it with Married Man and even though he will never enter my life in a romantic capacity again, when we do speak/see each other we can talk, catch up and laugh together until he starts talking out the side of his neck. In this new year, I am starting over. I am going to overcome my fear and lethargy to make real efforts to meet someone; falling into something for convenience is not on the agenda. Pregnant One and Girlfriend say I am in a healthier and happier place…time to act like it. No more lost causes, rescues or fixer uppers…..I want someone who is on my level and will be willing to put forth the efforts to go higher, further and farther.
Yes, I am talking a DAMNED good game, but believe it or not…..I mean this. Whatever I fall into, whoever I fall into it with….will be different. I am not doing all this processing and transforming to be stuck with someone who will lead me back to Square One. Been there, done that. A part of me feels as if I am giving up on him and us and right before the blessing breaks through….but the processed part of me knows that this is not giving up or a retreat from the situation. It is advancing in a different direction and it will be a path never traveled. I just hope I ‘m ready.