I know I have not blogged in a minute; I have probably lost readers and people want to kick my ass for whatever reason. However, this time I have a very good, verifiable excuse and believe it or not…..it does not involve HIM! My abdominal pain has returned with a vengeance. It actually cut through me like a hot butcher knife last Wednesday morning but I was able to work my way through the pain until Saturday….then I was flat on my back, in indescribable pain and bedridden. I popped muscle relaxers like candy and pretty much did not move unless it was to the bathroom. I did not even really eat anything as the pain was all I could feel. I watched daytime television ( thank Goodness for Grey’s in the afternoon and Tuesday’s Law & Order SVU marathon) and I talked briefly with Panel members. The revelations, communications and my new found attitude have us all pretty much formulating opinions and thoughts; usually when we bring them together to the table, we are divergent in our thought processes but this time around….we are all reading the same book, although pages and chapters vary. So without further ado, here is what others think about what has happened:
Morning Person: Morning Person is hanging her head…..she is prouder than punch at the progress I have made. She is pleased I am being truthful and objective; she cannot believe I have come this far and while she wishes I would not allow tangents to get in my way, she understands. No matter how much this situation is between he and I, it is natural to focus on the catalyst/tangent not only to assuage the self-esteem but to take the focus off of self. Morning Person is hanging her head because she knows that the communication from him is only the start; the fact that the communication was followed so quickly by the revelation worries her even more. I feel that there is a connection there….it may be my imagination, but the fact that these two things are worrying Morning Person makes me worry also. Yes, she feels I am talking an EXCELLENT game…..I am saying all the right words, verbally and in print, but the time is drawing near….and when I see him face to face….will I be able to walk an excellent game? That is her question: can I walk the walk as well as I talk the talk? Will all the love, support, advice and self examination be blown away in the face of what I still love? She wants more of the process to take place ; she wants me to be stronger in my resolve to leave sleeping dogs alone; she wants more stability and less vulnerability from me and with all that has happened…..she does not think that there is much time left. She knows that he is missing me and what I offered, he is realizing his mistakes and is formulating his plan to move back in before my heart can harden. She was against the care package but not because it made me look weak; actually she told me it made me look like the bigger person, but she knew that he would not accept it and view it not as a goodwill gesture or an act of kindness….he saw the welcome mat being laid back out for him and she wants me to use the downtime until the next communication to grow up and grow strong.
Artsy Craftsy: She has two rules: stay in the moment and no speculation. Speculation is hard to stay away from as we have only mixed signals, “media leaks” and history to go by, but she says we can maneuver around all that. The man is looking like death on a corner and it appears that my wish that this woman makes sin dipped in misery left to dry on a street corner look like paradise has come true. He only speaks briefly, hides in his office and looks like he has been abandoned by his mama and his best friend after they ran over his dog. NOT the look of a man who is spending quality time with his lady love. His ass is dragging and according to Artsy Craftsy, it looks like he is learning his lesson the hard way and she wants me to remain open-minded while maintaining the lessons I have learned via this process. She agrees that the communication is a gateway….the fact that it took him 3 days to respond and in such a manner suggests to her that he has been doing some thinking…..and that maybe this time he has sown his wild oats and has discovered first hand that there really is no place like home. Artsy Craftsy has never said this, but I am going to put it out there: I know she has always been a big fan of he and I being together and I feel she thinks he really meant the promises he made back in July…he just got sidetracked. She wants this to be the thing that if we approach it positively and stop making it about right and wrong and look at it as a second chance for both of us, it really will make the ties that bind unbreakable.
Pregnant One: She is not sure which way to go….she agrees with Morning Person in that he is reaching and feeling to see where I am. She also feels that I am not ready; she has heard my volatility towards him. She knows that if nothing changes, nothing changes and if only I have changed ( and how strong is this change? ) what does that bode for us? She wants it to work, but she also wants me to leave it alone. If she could see what good it would do ME, she would be all over it; however, she feels as everyone does…if he is so unhappy, then just leave. He walked out on the best thing to ever happen to him, why is it so hard to leave the BTH? She smells more games, deception and mixed signals and has stated that he will have to come correct as he has presented to us that he is capable of that, but is he really? Another thing that worries her and Morning Person both is the one thing that is constant in my feelings: I cannot trust the man, I cannot see him in the same way and until I can find a way to do so, Pregnant One says going through with anymore of this convoluted reconciliation dance is a waste of time for both of us.
Cuz: Cuz has said that if I do fall for the okey-doke this time, he will have to pray for me and learn sign language as apparently I cannot hear. Cuz says that the man went from telling me I was everything he was looking for to treating me as nothing to him. He says this has been a true test of character for both of us and all that came through on his end were lies and cowardice; it has nothing to do with being dumped…it is all to do with how you treat people and for him to do what he did and expect NO repercussions? What the hell makes this man think he can walk all over folks and toy with their emotions and think everything is all okay? The man is stupid as shit and to think he can come back?? According to Cuz…what this guy did was low and no decent man, no real man would act in this manner. He is against any form of communication and whatever him is going through now…..obviously he likes it as he chose it. Yes, the man has five distinct personalities and whichever one is in charge now has pretty much fucked it up for the two or three that wanted and desired me. Cuz says it is okay to love the man until I don’t anymore but it has to be tough love….just know the limitations and boundaries and keep him at arm’s length.
Chef: Chef has stated that maybe the man is really happy, but is looking for an alternative to the pressurized relationship he now finds himself in. Despite Chef seeing for himself how bad the man is looking , despite the man’s ass dragging the ground so low you can’t slide a quarter under it…..Chef says that what we see as misery, dishevelment and depression…him thinks is happiness. When he first told me that, I was speechless. Seriously, HOW can one go from what he had with me (smiles, good moods, good humor, clean and different clothes each day and improved social skills) to what he is now and think it is happiness? To me, that is a whole new level of fucked up and I am not sure if I am ready for that. Chef wants to slap him silly and tell him that he does not have to walk around looking like a sad sack and saying every day is a fucked up one…he had the perfect woman who adored and loved him and he walked out on her. Chef wants us to talk to each other and see for ourselves where we both are; Chef says to ask him if he wants healthy and happy or broke and depressed. However….there are still his inadequacies and unresolved issues; already my love has proven to be not enough to lift him….if anything it seems to drag him down even more as he feels that I deserve more and better. And if we take Chef’s theory into consideration, it s apparent the man does not know the difference. Chef thinks that this BTH incident will be what opens his eyes, but we have to take it slow and perhaps a paid arrangement would be best to start off with once we became intimate again. Money creates a boundary that will give me my validation and leave him feeling without obligations until he feels he is ready for them and we both get the mind blowing sex, intimacy and understanding only we can give the other. I am not sure about anyone else but it seems to me that Chef’s theories has a lot of missing variables and an abundance of presumptions.
Girlfriend: She is not surprised at the communication and does not believe the man is staying anywhere with anyone. When we worked on the island, we would tell him all the time he needed to find a woman to help him with his grumpiness…his response was one of two things: maybe a woman was the cause of his grumpiness or finding a woman within 10 years of his age without children is hard to find and he was not looking to raise more kids, especially if they weren’t his. Girlfriend says that all of this is his way of seeing just where I am, and he will wait to see if I jump back out there with anger and hurtful comments and seriously….just ignore him. I am getting better and am in a healthier, happier place than he is right now and we cannot jeopardize all of the hard work and tears. She pointed out that he is a lame loser and it is clear as crystal why he cannot hold onto to anyone: every time he has put himself out there with women, it always starts out really good and as time goes on, the real him shows up which brings out the predator in the woman and next thing you know he is watching another man fuck his woman and paying her for the privilege of doing so. With me, I tried to understand him and make him a better, more confident man and this is how I get repaid. Girlfriend is also worried about my lack of trust towards him……it will never be the same regardless how he will return and I have not processed enough to even make it to the “never be the same” stage. She thinks all communications need to be screened and let the consensus decide what to respond to and what to ignore. I am not ready to face him or this stage of the fiasco alone.
Quiet One: She says the man is looking old and haggard and that the tornado is blowing over. She feels badly for him and wants him to realize what he had; however, she does not feel that he has learned anything. He just does not want to go through what he put me through. If being back with him would make me happy, she wants to know why. Quiet One says if I go through with the dance this time around…..I have a lot of accounting to do to every member of the Panel. She stated that for 4 months I cried my eyes out; I broke down, doubted my beauty and capabilities and allowed myself to think I was not good enough for a man who does not even know what he wants as he tells me one thing and got caught up with what he didn’t. The man embarrassed me in front of my friends and basically slapped me in my face….and this is what makes me happy? How long will it last this time, and if all we opt for is a friendship…will that work, given our history? In order to have any sort of relationship with anyone, there has to be a level of trust, respect and honesty and where has he shown me any of that? Even if he did mean what he told me back in July….all it took was a come hither look given by what he thought he was missing out on to make his truth a lie. So for him to drop the communication and the revelation within 3 days of each other tells her there is nothing waiting for me but more mixed signals and more analysis.
Buddy: All Buddy has to say is I am settling…with him and with what he can offer me. Even if he did have deep and intense feelings for me he could not handle, even if I did not see the need to play games and insist on social outings…..he can show it to another and that says a lot whichever way you look at it. If he felt that he was unworthy of me and was worried about being laughed at and talked about…what the hell do I need with a man who cannot be a man with me? If he felt that I was simply not his type and he viewed it all as sexual…..he isn’t even man enough to tell me he was ready to move on and pursue something else with someone else? Any way you look at it…the man is not capable of being a man when it comes to me, and if I keep fucking around with little boys, I can go to jail for that.
Oscar: As much as Oscar loves the thought of us reconciling, she says it is not time. I am still all over the map and the man has not made any efforts to reverse what is to us a complete turnaround. What has changed that makes him want to see where I am and what did he hope to accomplish by his revelation? Why can’t he tell me himself all these things? Why continue to allow the Island to be the heavy? I can answer that one: when/if we do have our face to face talk….he will say it was all rumors and to not believe everything I hear. He will say he THOUGHT he had an interest in her but he was mistaken. Oscar says there are still too many questions and not enough answers to do anything. His communications still require a secret decoder ring and I am not going through this process to pick up where we left off…..I deserve at the minimum to be elevated to the next level and can he offer me that? Oscar feels that he can’t….he will be fresh from the mauling the BTH is most certainly giving him and HIS trust issues will be all fucked up and his bank account will be on zero….do I want him back broke AND broken down?? Seriously?? Her advice: go slow and let him know in further communications what I want, expect and need. He can either step up or step down.
Me: Don’t ask me a damned thing….that is why I have a Panel. Pretty much, we do not know if he is leaking lies or the truth and it no longer matters. The way he is handling things is sloppy, messy and he has yet to come clean with me about anything. This is a man who says (as an explanation for his treatment of me) that because he never loved me, he felt that who he saw and what he did with them wasn’t any of my business…and we were together then! So now that we are apart, he feels the need for me to be privy to this craziness?? The word is to go slow, stay in the day, avoid speculation and work on me. If I stay in the process and ask myself the hard questions, my choice will be easier than taking candy from a baby: why do I want him back? Will things be different? If they aren’t, what will happen to me once the rejection comes around again? Do I not feel that I am worthy and deserving of more? And here is the kicker: I have to actually answer these questions; how else will the process work and acceptance advance? I can’t just put them out there and look at them. As Christina Yang told Meredith Grey: “Admitting you have issues is not the same as actually working on the issues.” I mean, I have no problem lighting into people when I feel they disrespected me or mistreated me: Reliable One, every member of the Panel, siblings, family, bosses, authority figures….all have heard and/or felt my wrath. Yes, him has felt it also, but I say this: Fuck you, you horrible motherfucking bastard. I love you sweetie…can we work it out? What the hell is wrong with THAT picture?? The man who gives me the least I cut the most slack and that is not working…for me, it isn’t. This incident has shown me that the good times are further and further apart and all this happiness and understanding he is looking for, he seems to overlook. I will say this: I do not care about his well-being the way I used to….he is depressed and looking bad? His choice. I can see that this time around, I am the one who is unsure of what she wants, and maybe a month ago, that would be scary, but today it isn’t. What we had…..we had and I don’t know if we can ever have anything again. I do know that I am not jumping back out there and if he really wants what I have to offer, he will man up and act like it. He will speak clearly, concisely and let it be known how he really feels and what he is really looking for.
Well, it is getting late and the pain ( which does not allow me to sit or stand for long periods of time) has my lower body damn near numb. I think I have more than made up for my lack of blogging and now everyone is all caught up. This weekend, he is going on the shelf and we will talk about other topics I find interesting….maybe kinky sex (drawn from experience) or what Christmas means to me or something like that. Anything but more analysis over a one line response, which if I do what I am supposed to, will not lead to anything.