Growing Pains

I know I have not blogged in a couple of days……I couldn’t. I had to wrap my head around the latest bombshell. No, I did not cry when I heard that he was “staying” with the BTH….I really did laugh out loud at that….but that does not mean it wasn’t a bombshell or that it did not affect me. I have to thank my Panel for their love, support, wisdom and guidance to get me to this level of acceptance. As this fiasco progresses, each new revelation is simply more surreal and absurd than the next and once upon a time, I would be filled with denial and naiveté, but today… I am growing and able to take these grenades and view them objectively.

The thing with him is this: you have to read between the lines and the things he lets get back to me are designed to elicit responses and rises out of me. He will tell me he met the woman a week before the party yet he has put her picture up after knowing her two weeks and only when I tell him he is stuck on his dead ex-wife wife and I have become sexually active (he is and I didn’t). I and every Panel member and every Independent Consultant knows this man does nothing that quickly, personally or professionally. He will not tell me or let me know that he is wearing the same outfit days on end (and after this latest “wikileak”, either she needs to do laundry or he needs to move more clothes over there) or that his ass is dragging and he has a deer in the headlights look seemingly permanently etched on his face yet he will let it be known he is “staying” there with her. After all the ugly, nasty emails I have sent, the only one he responded to is the one where I called him fat-assed ( I apologized for that one), and asked me is that the only name I called him that bothers me? Obviously it is the one that bothered him as that was what rankled him enough to elicit a response. This is the man that every Panel will tell you has never, ever offered or initiated  apologies, thank yous or any type of acknowledgement of any kind other than face to face and not  without some sort of prompting from me. I have to ask/tell him to do so….even when things were good. Our first year together, for his birthday, I had an Edible Arrangement sent to his office with a card and everything…..and had to call him 3 days later to receive a thank you. He swears there was no card and when I pointed out to him just where the card would be, he says it never occurred to him to open it.

So for him to initiate a communication that begins with an apology and ends with a thank you…..I am not over-thinking or making a mountain out of a molehill in trying to ascertain his motives. A man as convoluted as he is, wrapped up enough with a woman that everything he told me he wanted and was looking for has become a falsehood would not be bothered to acknowledge a damned thing I did for him. He would not bother to apologize for not responding when he has yet to apologize for his treatment of me. You are “staying” with this woman, yet you not only accept the offering  and he knew who it was from; he did not ask who sent the package, just what was in it) but NOW you can treat me with the basic respect and common courtesies you had no idea existed where I was concerned when we were together?  You do not like me very much anymore, but you can apologize and thank me? He really is reaching out and I need to take it slowly because now, I no longer trust him and no longer know what I want.

This bombshell has my self-esteem plunging again; it has never recovered or healed from the unceremonious dumping and now….now I have no idea what to do as it has sunk so low, I have to find it. The man has always told me that he was not into overly made up, phony women; he does not desire a woman with stay at home children….he is at an age where he is too old for children (his or anyone else’s) and wants peace and relaxation when he spends time with a lady; he has told me that he wants a woman who will understand him: kinks, warts and all and who he can be himself around on all levels, including the sexual. And he had all this….when our friendship turned for the romantic/sexual (again) earlier this year, everyone was surprised. When we had our face to face talk and he had the option of a onetime thing or returning to the friendship/flirtation, he chose the full monty. He was ready to move on past the dead ex-wife, he was going to put forth the effort needed to make us work and he was only interested in me. Hell, even Gold Digger #1 was backburnered this time around and the Panel and I convened and it was agreed to go for it. Artsy Craftsy saw how much happier he was when we resumed regular communications and for a week straight after the reconciliation, the man could not wipe the grin from his face. He was listening to the advice I gave him, he was being a happier/better person  and things were good. Morning Person was even suckered in….she said he was showing maturity and growth and told me to go slow, bury the past and give him a chance. Girlfriend and Chef warned me to keep a fence up but to tear down those walls as this time….it seemed genuine. Now….we are all wondering what in the HELL happened as he threw away what he wanted and in less than 5 months is showing a woman who is perhaps President of the League of Overly Made Up Women, has 3 children and in the opinion of most Panel members a gold digger a level of commitment unmatched since the dead ex-wife.

So yeah, my self esteem is wondering WHAT does this chick have that I don’t that she can get this far with him in such a short period of time; I am wondering am I really beautiful and sexy or was he just talking to hear himself talk? I have told you guys before, I am the chick that needs validation but because I love him so much and wanted something healthy and meaningful, I removed my price tag and now I feel empty and used. I cannot be all he said I was to him because he left in the blink of an eye….but now, NOW when he is supposedly so in love (and NO ONE has said this….hell, he still has not called her his woman but I say it because why else “stay” with a woman who is all and has all you say you don’t want?), you want to reach out and see where I am emotionally. Now, you want to show me basic respect and common courtesies, yet you still cannot apologize.  In an attempt to find my self-esteem, I actually took pictures of my body and sent them to the male Panel members in an effort to re-affirm my sexiness……and was told by Buddy ( who is not even into bigger women) that I am finer than wine; Cuz says that if I send anymore pictures like that, we will no longer be platonic; New BFF says I am built like a brickhouse and to send Him the pictures. I said that would be disrespectful as the man is in a relationship now, but BFF rebutted with we all know the BTH does not know I exist (when he failed to tell me about her, we agreed he failed to tell her about me) and in addition to the package, send the pictures so he can really eat his heart out over what he fucked up; and Chef….Chef says I am simply beautiful and breath-taking. According to Chef….who knows what this man is thinking but I need to know: no matter how much make-up this woman applies, she will never be prettier than me; his current demeanor and dress code tells the story that she does not and will not care as much as I do; sexually/physically I will always, always blow the BTH out of the water: my breasts will always be bigger and prettier and down below….I will always be tastier and tighter, kinkier and the one to please my partner. Sometime I wonder if it is the sexual that is the wedge between us: yes, it is awesome and explosive but infrequent as definitely I have the higher drive and simple companionship will not work with us because our sexual chemistry demands a release, whether he is up for the task or not. 

I do not know…..maybe his love for her has matured him enough for the basic acknowledgements and she really is getting an engagement ring for Christmas. Perhaps they will married on Valentine’s Day and while it won’t answer the questions I have, it will be my closure. Or she is using him as some sort of on call handyman, part-time Daddy and ATM machine and he will be broke and broken down by the time the spring thaw comes around. The part of me that still loves and cares for/about him wonders is he where is with this woman because he wants to be or did the whirlwind tornado manipulate and push him along to put him this position? I wonder what this outcome will be. And my Panel…..I love them so much because they are the ones who are helping me to grow and withstand the pains that come with that: I have nothing to say to him about his latest revelation. I accept the fact that it may be at that level with him and BTH….I do not have to like it, but I have to accept it and raging against the machine helps no one….that will only serve to drive the wedge deeper and if I reach out in care and concern, I will come across as bitchy, nosy and maybe even a little desperate. I can only work on myself and the process is what I need to determine not only what I am really looking for from the next relationship but what I can truly offer. No one knows if he and I will resume anything on any level; the hurt and damage have us both acting out of character and like complete idiots; Time, Karma and the Universe will make that determination and holding onto hope, expectations and/o worst case scenarios helps no one at this time. I have to let go of it all and just be. Yes, I feel as if I am just bobbing and drifting along in uncharted waters and my hallways just got a little longer and little darker….but there is light at the end of it….I just have not reached it yet.


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