Today, I was not even going to blog….I am going deeper than I want to and telling everybody (including myself) too much information and really, it can be too much. I stated I was quitting the process. Artsy Craftsy and Pregnant One said they understood but don’t go but Morning Person pretty much went off…. in a quiet way. First, I send her a freaking 90 day notice (which she promptly tore up) and now I want to quit? No way in three hells is ANYONE leaving this process…..and it is funny because one of my horoscopes told me that change causes conflict and conflict triggers a deeper change. In order for the process of change to be successful, it must be started at the right time, be helmed by sincere and capable leadership ( that would be Morning Person) and the subject must be surrounded by a broad base of knowledgeable and compassionate people ( that would be my Panel and certain Independent Consultants) and the process must address a true need. Well, I think I qualify and meet all the requirements, so I am in this for the long haul…..and after Artsy Craftsy ‘s revelation tonight….I need to be here.
I know Artsy Craftsy has been incognito but she has always said if she heard anything, saw anything or there was something worth reporting, she would be there; kind of our own Girl on the Street Reporter…..and apparently she has found out that him is “staying” with the BTH at her place. She called me on a 3 way with Pregnant One as she was afraid to tell me….well, not AFRAID to tell me but afraid of my reaction. She really did not want to tell me, but it is best to know the complete story ( or what we can piece of it) so I am not holding onto hope or expectations (and we all do, whether we realize it or not) for naught. I need all the facts to process properly and make informed decisions. Pregnant One told her to tell it and if I break down, well at least they can hold my hand for a minute or two. But I did not break down….I laughed. I simply do not believe it; I am not in disbelief……I just do not believe it. I am a big girl, and as I blogged before….he and I are no longer together. He left me in a fucked up manner for another woman and what happens is simply what comes with the territory. So now what has come with the territory is that he is “staying” in a 2 bedroom condo that is small, cramped and while not outright dirty is not clean with a BTH and her 3 children; he is “staying” with his whirlwind tornado yet he is wearing the same clothes, sicker than two dogs and is verging on the brink of depression. The man is “staying” with her when he has a four bedroom home that is clean and spacious and he shares with his two grown daughters…still sounds like room enough for the big happy extended family he has acquired; he is “staying” with her and yet, he accepted my care package and is using it. When he emailed me on Saturday afternoon, instead of making nice, why not tell me that you have a girlfriend instead of constantly referring to her as “this woman”? Why not tell me you have a girlfriend you are spending all this time with if not outright living with and my gesture while appreciated, is not needed.
See, the communication he sent has the senior Panel members in a panic because while certain variables may have changed this time around concerning our breakup, his MO has not and we have been through this before. Out of the blue, comes his “feeler” email and Pregnant One and Morning Person both cautioned me to be careful what I say and to keep it short. Cuz wants to know why the fuck I even responded as we all know he is about to hatch his Pinky and the Brain plan to return. He does it every time…when it hits him that he has fucked up and what he had over on this side of the world, he sends his little feeler emails. He sent them earlier than this, but I was still too hurt and angry to even play into it…..and now that time has passed and I have grown enough to show him a kind act, he is ready to pounce. Well, not exactly pounce as he is slower than two turtles with molasses up their asses because he has to over-think every little thing. I can’t say I blame him as the one time he did NOT think, he finds himself being Uncle Moneybags to 3 rugrats that definitely aren’t his, supporting two households and running his old, broken down body ragged. And the sad part? I am willing to bet money I do not have that he is still not getting any. Cuz says he did not realize that the part of the world BTH resides in had projects and him is probably sleeping on the couch. But, back to the communication…..he will be quiet for a minute to see if I jump off half cocked again…..he knows that I have heard about this new development. He only told one person (in fact, took that person over there) but he knows that that one person would tell the one person who would deliver me the news. So he is waiting to see what my reaction will be (he has no idea how deeply into this process I am….I have no reaction and no response…at least not to him I don’t) and if it is favorable (meaning I have not cursed him out, flattened his tires or attempted to kill him), he will reach out again. But this time around…..I am not reaching back. I love him…do not get it twisted…..but he has no idea what he wants. He wanted me, he wanted her; he does not want a woman with children, yet what does he have? He wants a woman who is sweet, supportive and will understand him…..he got a woman with 3 babies, baby daddies and no time to wash his clothes or give him a cough drop to stop his coughing. The man has a bad back, a bum knee and a shoulder that has a mind of its own, yet she wants him to fix all the broken down things around the house. As Cuz put it, shit is getting raggedy and he knows it is time to bail.
He will reach out but I can no longer be bothered…..he may not know what he wants, but Sweet Jesus, he knew what he had; I am trying to be fair and objective here and say maybe he did not as he never had a yardstick to measure it by. All of his previous attempts at something long term blew up in his face as no one returned his affections. I did….I returned them, I understood him, I was a damned good woman to him….and he threw me over for a woman that my cousin ( actual blood relative) called a Craigslist hooker off the break. He said she is run down by life, fake, phony and needs to learn how to put the damned weave on if she is going to wear it. So perhaps, now that he has something to compare me and my offerings to, he realizes and will appreciate it if he gets it again, except he will be broke and this time….I need the material shit. I need my rent paid, I need my nails done and money or no….I will never see him the same way again. Ever. So why be bothered? Like I blogged yesterday…this is what I will never forget and a reconciliation may as well stay away as this is the end of us. And it is the end of us for two reasons: he does not know how to treat me and he still doesn’t know how; he is just wanting out of a bad situation with as little hurt as possible and NOW he thinks of me. He did not think of me when he pulled this fucking stunt and got pissed because there were consequences and repercussions, but now…now that he sees the grass is definitely not greener on the other side….he wants to think of me. The second reason is that all the love and kindness and everything I showed him…..he never once offered me the level of commitment he is offering this woman who presents herself behind a mask of make-up and carries with her all l he says he does not want. All that we had and shared went out the window for her….yet, now that this has completely blown up in his face, it is me he reaches out to.
I want to ask him how is that happiness working out for him….but we both know I know. I want to ask just how much destruction and devastation the whirlwind tornado has left in its wake….but he knows I know. Honestly, at this point, I have nothing to say to him. He has made his choices and he has to live with them. I am not here for his convenience and really…he has become a laughingstock as far as I am concerned. I am curious as to what his plan is as this time around, he will have to actually make an effort to say something and do something to show his remorse, and what can anyone expect from a person who is incapable of being honest with themselves? And I am going to be honest with myself right now….I do feel a twang of hurt because he can show the BTH after less than 5 months what he could only show me for brief moments after all the time we had been together….but it is only a twang, and seriously….I am indulging in speculation as to what he is showing her or doing for her. I am not there and am only privy to what he wants me to know, but I am not stupid. I have been around the block and have played the games so I have me not being too far off the mark. He may not live there or even stay there ( no one on the Panel believes it…remember, he is not the most honest man out there) , but he can show her things and give her things that he was unable to do with me……and according to his own words….she has all he doesn’t want and I possess all he does.
At this point, I am throwing it all up in the air and let Karma, the Universe and the Panel figure it out. I am staying in the process, sticking with my no contact rule and hoping that no more kind acts for him are laid on my heart. This entire situation has gotten out of hand on all ends, and is without a doubt the sloppiest break-up in the history of break-ups and with all the issues, baggage and layers of emotions we STILL have between us, I am going to answer my own question: we were trying to simplify something complicated and all for love of the pain.