For Love of the Pain


Today, I received a communication from Him and you could have buttered my biscuits. It was lodged in my spam filter ( I blocked his email address)  and had been there since Saturday afternoon. In it, he apologized for not responding sooner, the care package was incredibly thoughtful and considerate and he thanked me for it. I was speechless for a good 3 minutes…..given that MY last communication to him was nice in a  bitter, bitchy way and his last communication was filled with denial, delusions and hurtful things, I was not expecting any type of acknowledgement for the package. I was just hoping he actually kept it and used it versus donating it to the office or trashing it. I immediately called Artsy Craftsy, Pregnant One and Morning One…not all at the same time although I should have done a conference call; in any case, I was doing what I should have done a long time ago….get advice and guidance so that I am able to respond versus react. It ended with me telling him that I just received his email (so he would not think I was rude), accepting his apology and telling him to just take the medications and to get better. I also told him that his response was appreciated, I would like us to put the hurt and anger behind us and if he ever wanted/needed to talk or vent, it was okay to talk to me.

I am curious as to why he would respond at all…..recent events tell that the man will not/cannot do right by me and if he is in this whirlwind tornado, I do not know where he found the time to even look inside the bag, let alone respond on a Saturday afternoon. I was asked where do I go from here with him and my question: WHERE is there to go? We are both still strangers…..it is reminiscent of donating bags of clothes or food to a shelter and the residents thanking you for your gift. It has been stated he may have been reaching out to see where I was emotionally and is waiting for me to come back with a serious tongue lashing….but this time around, I am going to disappoint him. I have no more anger left where he is concerned (at least at this point in time)….I feel really sorry for him. The man has told me to my face that I am beautiful, sexy, crazy but wonderful, intelligent and the best lover he has ever had and my physical attributes? He says they knock him out; my sexual prowess…..unmatched. Yet, he lies to me then leaves me for someone who obviously does not do social events,  laundry or cares enough to give him a cough drop….and how sad is that? Makes me question his idea of a good woman.

You know how in every intimate relationship there is that one thing that a person does that you cannot sweep under the rug or wipe the slate clean…the one thing you just never forget? With my First Love (the guy who got me started on the road to addiction), I am not sure what started it (we were both higher than kites) but it ended with him putting a razor blade to my neck and when I broke free, I chased him butt naked down the street with a butcher knife. Needless to say, that was the end of us. With Married Man, after he let his wife find out about us,  told her those lies about me and I told all….he actually asked me why did I throw him under the bus and he was not joking when he asked me that. He actually felt that I threw him under the bus. Seriously?? Your wife is calling my house and my job while you sit there and watch her, yet I threw you under the bus? I truly think that was the beginning of the end for us as that has stayed with me and when I see him or hear his voice…..that is the first thing that comes to mind. With this situation here….the BTH and the actions/reactions she triggered is the one thing that neither of us will forget. For him, when he looks at me, he will see a woman who says she loves him, but thinks he is limp-dicked, fat-assed, less than a man and a cowardly bitch. For me, I will see a man who KNEW my issues and still violated them ( Lord knows, they were shaky to begin with), I will see the one person I loved more than anything and he betrayed me, and I will see the man who has pushed me into a process SOBER. Seriously, I see the man who  has taken me all the way back to Square One, AND he is mentally deficient. When he is out of my sight, I will have him fucking every ugly bitch in town and I will wonder HOW can he call me beautiful when it is obvious my beauty is not what he wants.

Where do we go from here? I am not sure…..all I know is IF we do find ourselves reaching out again for more than civility or basic friendship…it will be for love of the pain. It is evident to me that he is drawn to women who play games, string him along, use him for his money and treat him like dog crap….trust me, BTH is not the first gold digger to get her hooks in him, but I tolerated the first one as she was in the picture first. And since I cannot beat them with my natural beauty, my love and my nurturing and my respecting his role as the man in the relationship….I will join them and this is what I did NOT want to happen as a part of my heart has to harden to treat him with indifference. In order for me to wear my price tag, I cannot love him; in order to manipulate him, I have to make promises I have no intention of keeping  and play head games. I will have to strap on my dildo and make him suck it while I tell him of the real men who get to fuck me and feel my lips wrapped around their dicks; I will have to make him my submissive bitch……and he will probably love it as this is the sort of woman he can do for and be there for. These women who are married/attached (and where is the honor, respect and integrity in trying to bed a married woman?), these women with children and no time for him unless it is an all expense paid trip somewhere….he can give them and show them all he cannot give or show me and maybe I am the fool for not joining their ranks long ago.  For me, if I reach out and we try again and I do not join the League of Overly Made Up Women……he will hurt me again. Yes, I will put a hoop out there like take me to the most expensive restaurant in town for dinner, and he will with no protest as he knows he will get what he wants. He knows he will say the things I want to hear and swear he is being honest this time, and it won’t happen again. And after the intensity, the intimacy, the sheer wonderfulness of us and what we can be together……I will cease to exist. I will love him, I will build up his confidence, stroke his ego and he will give it all to the next chick. I will make excuses and try not to bruise his fragile ego and I will be back here again, wailing about how much I love him because of what he shows me in the bed, but cannot show me out of the bed but for so long. He will lie again, he will hide behind his denial and delusions as he has already told me once I fucked us up the first time around by being in love with him. I asked him was he sure it was that, or was it the fact that his body started falling apart because he could not keep up with me in bed? And that triggered yet another argument that never had an ending.

Perhaps that is our problem…..we have no closure anywhere. We have overlooked, excused, and hit the re-set button on so many issues and arguments that if it wasn’t the BTH, it would have been something else. All we needed was one more straw to break the camel’s back and she just happened to be it. For love of the pain, we sling and hurl insults to each other because when we do make up and reconcile, it is better than fireworks. For love of the pain, we lie to each other and he makes excuses to not see me and I use his excuses to justify my snooping and my accusations; yet because in each other we have found our dark soulmate with the understanding and acceptance no other can give……we keep going around in the vicious cycle. And now, I just want the cycle to stop. I want us to be able to have the understanding and acceptance in the light, not the dark. I want to be able to trust him but I really never did before (and the first time around was not his fault…..I brought baggage with me) but now that it is his fault? I will never trust him again. I want him to look at me and KNOW that there is unconditional love for him here, but if he said to me all I said to him….love me? REALLY?

IF he is reaching out to check my emotional status to begin the reconciliation process, he can stop right now. I am not ready for that and I am not sure if I even want that even more. (Oh, God…did I just say that??)  We would have to start from scratch and knowing what we do now….can we even do that? I am still in love with him and how can you start from scratch with someone you are already in love with? I would be too accommodating and willing to excuse oversights and acts of inconsideration, and him knowing I am in love with him would be too ready to take advantage of that fact. My insults and hurtful words would not matter….there are times I think he loves it and this is why he does what he does so I WILL treat him as the others do or did. The next question: is it even worth it? I want to say yes, it would be if he can give me the great heights and let me lose myself in him on a long term, ongoing and regular basis….but that won’t happen either. He has erectile dysfunction, inadequacy issues and all I need is a body part to pop or blow on him; then comes the depression and the pleas for me to find someone else who is younger, and better hung and just all that he is not. He will question all I offer him wrapped in ribbons of light and love and treat them and me with cold disdain because he feels that he is not enough. I just do not see anything changing because I do not see him changing….and for all the growing I am doing…..will it stand up and hold up should we ever see each other face to face?  I don’t know and right now I am not ready to find out. All I know is a one line response sent two days after receiving a package has sent me into a dark, dark place where we are both emotional masochists and sadists, I have told even more of his secrets and God help me….I am not ready because I KNOW if we saw each other right now……I would be sucked back in so deep, I may be lost forever.

So for now, we have to remain strangers and I have to return to my no-contact rule; the process has me going deep within me and our relationship. You know, this was supposed to be a simple, sexual relationship with a foundation of friendship and now I wonder: did we/am I complicating something simple or did we/am I trying to simplify something complicated?

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