Sunday turned out to be a pretty decent day despite my sleepless/restless night before . After blogging, I ended up taking even more motrin and taking a nap until 1pm. I had a dreamless sleep and woke up feeling better. The shower washed away the last vestiges of the questions raised by the dream and the blog post, my dinner was dee-lish and I even got the laundry done. He did come from out of the background but I worked around his ass; you know, it sometimes seems to me that at the 4 month mark, he really should be a distant memory but apparently I am pretty much on track. It has been so long since I have been through a process, I totally forgot that they take time and I have never been through one over a relationship that involved another person. According to my Panel and online discussion forums, a process can last anywhere from one year to five years dependent upon variables and factors that are unique to each situation. A part of me is like….a year to five?? That sounds like a prison sentence!! But, I can only do it one day at a time and I have to remember….I am still in love and still love him with all I have; we interacted almost daily and when we did spend time together, the quality and intensity made up for the quantity. I do know I am in good company though.
2010 will probably be remembered by a lot of folks as the year of the breakup. It is amazing how you feel you are unique in your situation and really, you aren’t. You think you are the only one going through tears, heartache, pain, anger and hurt and there are so many more others going through the same thing…yet we are all alone in our processes. Everyday folks just like you and me wake up every morning with feelings of dread, THAT person occupying their every thought, wishing, wanting and hoping. They cry themselves to sleep, ask themselves the endless questions and some of them try to break out of the lethargy by having sex and dating…..but they soon stop and deal with being stuck and alone as all they can see is that person and the sex that was supposed to make them forget that person only serves to remind them of their loss even more. And these people are all over the world, all ages, all races and both genders.
Some of them are even celebrities and I am not sure about you, but I have always thought these are the people who do not have the problems us regular folks have. Seriously, they make more money in a week than I have probably ever seen so far in my life, they have professionals to help them maintain killer figures and make them look drop dead gorgeous and one would think that they could get and keep whomever they wanted just by batting their eyelashes….yet, they get dumped and cheated on just like the rest of us. Eva Longoria, Drew Barrymore, Sandra Bullock, Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston…even Billy Ray Cyrus just to name a few. Hell, even Ricky cheated on Lucy. Beautiful women ( and a good looking man), being cheated on, feeling the rejection and hurt and the worst part? Their devastation is public and every sordid detail is out there for everyone to read and analyze and offer opinions on. They do not even have the solace of a self-imposed isolation as their heartbreak is splashed all over magazines, newspapers and television. Even a getaway to a tropical paradise to be alone with their thoughts is no escape as the paparazzi follows them everywhere and their every move is caught on photo for posterity. The no contact rule….hard to maintain as they all travel in the same circles and work obligations thrust them together more often than not. Celebs cannot even indulge in greasy wings and ice cream as the second they gain weight, everybody knows and again, everybody has an opinion. They are asked constantly how are they feeling and to make a statement by the paparazzi and I know if it were me, I would be having the most public mental breakdown ever. Yes, I do think of him LOTS, and talk and analyze LOTS about him and the entire fiasco but if I were asked constantly, day after day? Yes, I say I want to see him and honestly, I have had a chance pretty much every day to do so…I know where he lives and works but even I would have to say if the roles were reversed and he showed up on my doorstep unannounced and unexpected after all that has happened, there would be a WTF factor involved. The Island, he knows there are too many witnesses and I would not do anything to fuck up being able to see my Panel members. However, I do not want to face him until I know I have myself, my emotions and my issues under control. If this were public the way celeb breakups are and I had to see him constantly and to tell people I’m fine ten thousand times a day……mass devastation would have occurred and I would be burning the ground where he walked to rid the world of his poison and evil.
Looks like I have just given myself even more reasons to be grateful while going through: while I have no control over the process and how long it will last, I can conduct it in private and I do have options. I can reach out when it feels right to me to do so whether it is in anger or in love, not because my publicist feels it will make me appear to be the victim or the bigger person; I can talk about him and this fiasco all I want but do not have to answer one question; when I do not feel like being bothered, I do not have to be and do not need to hide out somewhere to do so. I can lose weight, gain weight and eat what I want when I want with no guilt. I am grateful also that I have my Panel who advise me and guide me….thanks to them, I do not have to complicate this further with random sex when I am so not ready for that but want to say I am; I do not have to be alone when the pain becomes overwhelming and however this ends…..I know it will be what it is supposed to be and what I need to move forward and go further. They have been where I am and while I have to travel alone, they are there with love, support, truth and even scoldings when I need them….and sometimes when I don’t.
Well, it is getting late on a Sunday night and I have to prepare for a new day…in work, life and the process. Hope everyone has a Happy Monday!