After a fantastic day yesterday, my night was pure CRAP! I had another sleepless night and it was punctuated by one long dream. I dreamt I was back working on the Island and this may have come from the fact that when I visited, I talked with the Fearless Leader, and was told to give him a call should my current assignment either not become permanent or pan out within 3 months or so; I was asked by Artsy Craftsy would I return. I told her hell yeah if I had no other options, him and the commute be damned. So, I was working on the Island, working with/for HIM and we went out into the field….I did not want to go out into the field as I am an admin, and admin do not do the outdoors but he was insistent his secretary be there to take notes. We went somewhere out in the world and we were sitting on a bench and he said he needed to talk to me. I told him it was a little too late for this particular talk as the BTH was still in the picture. He said he wanted to explain how it all went down, but before he could say another word, the BTH and her entourage (children and grandchildren…and I have no idea if she has grandchildren) showed up and she settled right next to him, pawned off two rugrats to him and I got up and left in disgust. Before I could take a good ten steps, I got a text message and it was from him: I left you for her.
I woke up then, headachy and the feeling of dread back in my stomach. I took 2 motrin ( 800mg) and watched a movie called the Slammin’ Salmon which was funnier than hell and went back to sleep….and fell into the same dream. This time we were in his bedroom, still wearing our field clothes and he said his feet hurt so badly. I untied his shoes, removed his socks and began rubbing his feet. I am going to tell you people right now….I have a “thing” about feet. I really do, and I always seem to find men who have the WORST feet ever….they make my feet look magazine cover ready. But with him, I have never had a problem rubbing his feet; I know they hurt him…..the foot itself is fine: soft, with no cracked heels or dead skin build-up and again, so soft; he has the softest hands and feet I have ever felt. His toes however are a completely different story: bunions, the toes themselves curving off to 45 degree angles, and unable to separate….when we first got together, he told me I had him seeing stars and his toes curling, and I wanted to ask how could he tell they were curling but I didn’t. So, in the dream I was rubbing his feet and I heard him crying. I look up into his face and it is all pasty and wet and he said that I was so sweet and good to him and he loved me so much….it wasn’t supposed to be this way. And then I woke up again, and again watched a movie; this time I saw Control, a biography of the British punk rock group Joy Division which eventually became New Order and the title of the post is from their biggest hit.
After the movie, I have not attempted to go back to bed…I chose to blog and read my tarot cards and horoscopes. My Daily Tarot card is the Knight of Swords and according to the card, my sword is comprised of reason, logic and fairness; I measure once and cut twice to get to the truth or the heart of matters and I will go against the grain to do so. When it comes to this process I want to believe I have been downright objective with the players involved: I am fucked up (more than I realize) and played a bigger role in this than I know and he is fucked up (that may be giving him too much credit) and the roles he plays provoke my roles. My love for him blinds me to the fact that I enable him to allow me to be a victim. The dream made that much clear….the man could not continue his talk with me because of his obligation to the BTH but what about his obligation to me? And after just sending me a text stating the obvious…..I was in his bedroom, rubbing his feet. The BTH is a player in this also as she is/was the catalyst….whether she approached him or he approached her, this fiasco came about because she somehow entered the picture….his actions or lack of actions, my responses….all triggered by her presence. I will state that what has happened is between he and I and I will also state the woman is not unattractive….she works too hard to present a look to the word for it to be unattractive, but putting makeup on a pig does not mean that it is not a pig and I find nothing attractive about her look or the vibe I get. Some people may (obviously, he did) but I do not.
I want to believe I have used reason (the HOURS of analysis that I have spent looking this entire situation over from every angle), logic ( pretty much brings me to a brick wall as this man is definitely cut from a different cloth than others and logic cannot be applied here) and fairness….even now, I still excuse and justify our actions and our retaliations perhaps to my own detriment. Yes, I talk of how I belittled him but were not his actions and words belittling to me? He says he never loved me and he did not think our relationship required me to know who else he was seeing….belittling me and our intimate friendship and discarding his promises to me as easily as shedding a robe to justify his cowardly actions which he knew were wrong when he did them. And yet, when someone fucks you over why be surprised when they do it again and what will be different should there be a next time to ensure that they don’t do it again, and again and again?
One lesson that I learned early in my recovery that I have never forgotten and never will is that just because you or your circumstances have always BEEN a certain way does not mean they always have to BE that way. And this is where love has torn us apart and will continue to tear us apart: he does not know that yet, and he may never know that. Again, the dream said it: he says I am so everything positive and he loves me so much….it isn’t supposed to be this way. Which way? Where you are constantly fucking over the one woman who has shown you unconditional love, kindness and respect….or that love can be healthy, forgiving and kind? As for me, my love for him allows me to forgive (eventually) and forget (completely) and when he does the things he does to me……I am always, always blindsided and heartbroken and each time, it feels like the first time…because in a sense it is if I have forgotten what he did before. Come on, I sent the man a care package out of the love I have for him, and because his perception/definition of love/caring has always been a certain way, he cannot even respond in any manner: good, bad or indifferent. I have never felt the depth of love I feel for this man ever before ( Morning Person and I had a talk Thursday and when I told her some more of our secrets….she gave me the most incredulous look and told me I had nothing BUT love for this man) and all I want to do is give it to him and show it to him…but because for him things have always been a certain way….he cannot receive it or embrace it. He is a deer caught in the headlights and all I can do is remember when I first came into recovery, I had no idea that once people argue, it does not mean the end of the friendship or the relationship. I had to be taught that people sometimes disagree and it is okay to do that. He needs to be taught to receive love and shown that he is someone worthy of loving, but unless the old dog wants to be trained…you can’t teach him new tricks and he will never know that things don’t have to always be the way they have always been. And what can you do with THAT piece of knowledge other than accept it? If I sent the man a care package every day, if I put the process on pause and wait for his return, if I got butt naked and stood in front of him for 8 hours a day with the words I Truly Love You written across my body…..it would not change a damned thing because only he can repair what is on the inside. Frankly, he has been damaged for so long he honestly does not know or think anything is wrong with him….it’s me for not taking it lying down.
Me? The process is changing me bit by bit….but the love I have for him? That won’t change…I do not think love can change. Passions can die out, lust can be extinguished but love…love is constant and I am hoping that as I change, the love I have for him will eventually tuck itself away into the special place in my heart just for him. It won’t die out in there, it won’t expire…I am hoping it grows wiser and will better safeguard itself and my heart, and serve to not only remind me that yes, I am capable of great love but to hold our memories.