Hell in the Hallways

I have a question: do you know when you have fallen out of love? Or do you feel as if you have loved so long and so deeply, it is just not possible to NOT love a person? Even if you wind up in a place where you wonder what did I love about THAT, do you  still feel a pang of loss and wonder what could have been? I ask because I have been talking with Quiet One….and that woman is hilarious. This is a woman who feels that lingerie shows too much. She knows what it is and what its purpose is, but she feels that it is too revealing. In any case, she told me she thinks I am lying about still being in love with him….he is an unworthy and undeserving asshole and I should be over him by now. Hell, we aren’t even speaking to each other, and we have both hurt each other too deeply…so what is there to love?  First I asked her what kind of fool would LIE about being in love with a man who has left her? If I could, I would flip the love switch to “off” and be the biggest whore this city has ever seen to prove my sexiness and desirability factor. Then,  I asked her had she ever had her heart broken, and her response was no. She married her college sweetheart and he is her one and only…in everything. I told her until she had been through it, she would never understand it as it simply cannot be explained.

We have all heard the expression: when one door closes another one opens, but no one ever talks about having to travel from one door to the other. You just don’t sit there looking at the closed door and behind you, another one opens letting the light in. You have to travel to the door that will be opening and going down that dark hallway to find the open door….I am calling it the process, but a better word would be hell. Pure, unadulterated hell and you travel it alone. Yes, people can support you and whisper in your ear but the process that carries you down the hallways, you travel alone. You go through the pain, hurt, anger, grief, tears and the unanswered questions by yourself. My Panel can talk to me, they can empathize and sympathize, they can give me their hand, but their hands are being thrust from rooms they occupy and I cannot enter their rooms. I have been thrust from the room I once occupied and to get to the next room, you travel the halls and the halls only. You can sit down and lean your head against the walls to rest but basically, you are emotionally homeless and it sucks. There is all this hurt, anger, pain and underneath it all, there is still love….and where do you put it? How to release it? There is no place as the one you loved and who caused all this….has left the room. Sometimes the door is not completely shut…it is cracked so you both can still spy and see, but the door is not the open it once was; at best, it is ajar and that just is not the same.  Even if more than one person has had a door close on them, they do not travel the same hallways as you. Oscar is in the same situation, and our halls are separated by walls…thin enough to talk to and encourage each other, but we cannot travel together. Chef has not left his room, and has decorated his closed door with memories and mementos, and that is working for him. He has no interest in finding an open door. Cuz has ventured into his hallway, but has basically set up camp somewhere far enough from the closed door where it will be as much effort to re-open that one as it will be to find the door that will open for him….and that is working for him, or so he tells me. He has a sleeping bag, a folding chair and water as he has no idea when he will be ready to move in either direction.

I feel as if I am shackled as I walk down my hallway…..I did not want to leave my room. I was evicted and his in your face betrayal and my stunts and antics have pretty much made returning to that room a tad difficult at the moment. Like Chef and Cuz, I am not ready to open new doors just yet. At this point in time, I want my closed door to re-open, renovated and under improved management. My hall is dark and long and all I want is to go home. I am shackled by my issues and baggage; I am shackled by my love for him. I was not ready to stop loving him, to stop being with him and now….I have no choice. I want to be free to love him, and show him how much and tell him when I think he needs to hear and know this and loving him from afar does not allow this. The doors I pass along this hallway are dark and uninteresting to me and I know they are not for me. Just as I knew the door he resided behind was for me, I will know when another door will open for me and right now, it is not my time. I know I have to heal, and get me and my issues under control; I do not want any transference of feelings, positive or negative , to an unsuspecting person. So I walk my hallway, slowly and in the dark. I do not want to trip and fall, or bump and bang against the walls. I can only do this one day at a time and some days I make more progress than others.

Overall, I have made incredible strides with this process and my time in the halls: I have been downright truthful with myself and discovered I have more growing and recovering to do. My issues that I thought were so latent and under control obviously aren’t and I am using this time and this process to address them. My behaviors need some work, and if I were in a good mood I would say he may have done me a favor because if it weren’t for this shit, I would so not be here getting to know me all over again. I can see I have become complacent in my recovery and in my growth process; I can see that with all the caring and understanding and acceptance we had for each other…..actions really do speak louder than words and yes, I will forgive him ( do I have a choice? I just want it to be genuine) and maybe I will even trust him again…..but his treatment of me outside the bedroom will be what keeps us apart should we ever find ourselves reading the same book again (we do not have to be on the same page, but we have to at least be reading the same book). I cannot believe I am at this point and actually okay with it…all I know is I went through hell to get here.


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