The Day After Fiasco

Yesterday, I received another communication from Him. It is nothing to talk about really and only 2 Panel members know about it…Quiet One and Artsy-Craftsy. He sent me an email in the  morning just as I was shutting things down to head out the door to work. It was another one-liner: Wishing you happiness and success in the New Year. Two thoughts hit me when I read it….you said this in the email last week and why would you wish me happiness when you were the one who made me happy and then took it away? All I said was: May you get exactly what you deserve in the coming year. And I left it alone and pretty much put it to the back of my mind. The only reason Quiet One and Artsy Craftsy know is because it came out during conversation. There is no need to sound the alarm and rally troops…..for once, there is nothing to analyze. The only strange thing to me is it comes after I have the strangest dream EVER about him (the man was dating my mother!)  and Quiet One says he seems to reach out during the holidays so we are not expecting to hear from this idiot until Easter.

My sister sees my blog post links on the social sites I frequent (she will not read my blogs….she is not worried about the personal stuff I talk about as she can be objective; she says it is too long. According to her, I book, I do not blog) and she says I should be over him by now as he was not that important and we did not spend quantity time. See, I have my sister being over a guy just.like.that. Unlike me, she has her shit together and is filled with healthy doses of esteem. She is quiet, reserved and private; I do not see her losing her mind over a guy or allowing him to occupy a lot of rent-free space in her head. I see us as Izzie and Christina when Christina returned from her honeymoon with Meredith (Burke had left her at the altar so she took her BFF with her to Hawaii ,where she and Burke were to honeymoon): Me/Izzie: Are you sure you’re okay?? I mean, he was the love of your life and you took a big hit and all. Sister/Christina: I ‘m fine, I’m okay and I am over it. Me/Izzie: Either you are completely healthy or completely messed up.  Me? You already know I am emotionally unhealthy and issue laden. I am open, intense and extremely sexual. When I love a man, I give them my all and with this guy, I gave more than even I know. So no, I am not over him; we had quality and intensity and say what you want….it had depth and substance when it was not completely fucked up and he knows this also. His demeanor, attitude and appearance tell us all just how happy he is; his random emails tell me how happy he is. He is staying with this woman who makes him so happy, yet when he is sick, she does not have a cough drop or a Kleenex. He looks as if he dresses in the dark and apparently no one does laundry. Truly, I hear and others see just how happy he really is. His actions seem calculated and orchestrated to keep me in his face and his business, but I am no longer playing the game and I am not making moves. Let him enjoy his happiness. I am ready to put Him on the shelf for a few days. I am starting my resolutions early and not being negative….it is what it is and I have to accept it and while I do not have to like it, I can be neutral. Hatred is exhausting and I do not hate him….disappointed and hurt, but beneath it all, the love still flows. I am staying in the moment and while I speculate about some things…it all comes with the territory and really it is not my business, just like what I do is not his. Of course, the Panel is trying to prepare for their version of a worst case scenario but they can calm down for a minute; I do not have any more communications coming for a minute ( remember, next big holiday is Easter)  as I have not given him an entry of any kind. He will need to regroup and plan and that is going to take time….time I plan to use to my advantage and to tell you about the Day After fiasco.

Okay, so you all know I attract the weird guys who have issues and damage so deep it is not even funny. Reliable One is no different. I met him maybe 3 years ago when I was just out of the relationship with Married Man and I was still working on the Island.  I was conducting the Craigslist Experiment at the time but Reliable One reached out via Yahoo personals. He lived near where I worked and said he was a huge I Love Lucy fan….which I am also. We emailed and I gave him my work number and we talked on our lunch hour. I should have known he was strange when he asked me my shoe size….but I attributed that to the fact  that he may have had a foot fetish and once he found out how tall I am, he may have been curious. You know what I have discovered? That online dating leaves a LOT to your imagination….he did not have a picture posted and his general description and my imagination had me thinking he looked other than how he does. Put it this way….based on his description, I was thinking maybe heavyset John Forsythe and what I saw when we met for dinner (he was a half hour late, BUT he brought me shoes!!) was a cross between the guy who played Taggert in Beverly Hills Cop and Milton from Office Space.

I am not going to get into a lot of details about him, but the man has googled me; he admitted this on the first date and he pretty much had to as he asked how I liked living on my street and said he was familiar with my neighborhood. …..and we had never discussed logistics. He has also been detained for stalking/harassment of a co-worker but he says he just happened to always be where she was the same time she was there. Whatever. Again, signs I should have just gotten up and walked away…..I am wondering if it really IS me as I stick around for men that tell me off the break how fucked up they are, but so far, the man has proven harmless and to be a dependable friend. He is generous….I have shoes, casual outfits, he has helped me financially, he feeds me and he brought me a new cell phone…and now I have to tell you guys about the restaurants and the blackberry incident.

Okay, the man is over half a hundred; has never left his mama’s house, is never married and has no children; he makes a really good salary and basically has no bills save for a pay as you go cell phone and car insurance…and the car is his mother’s and a good 30 years old. He told me that I can always pick the restaurant and price was no object…so with him I got to experience some pretty high end places. I did space out the dinner dates and tried to mix it up with some places that were not as expensive but one day he asked me did I want to go to dinner with him. I said yes and offered my suggestion….and I will say this: I always ask him does he have a place in mind. After all, he is paying so he should have a say in what we eat, but he always leaves it up to me. In any case, he shot my suggestion down stating it was too pricey. I asked him did he have a place in mind, and he wanted the Yummy Pasta place. I gave in…I believe you have to give to get and I do love yummy pasta, so we met there. At least there all he will want off my plate is some salad and their salads are definitely large enough to share. So while we were eating we were talking about my beat up cell phone that was laying on the table. I LOVE my little cell phone but it is in bad shape…it is banged up, beat up and the face of it is scratched all to hell. Reliable One had gotten it for me as a Christmas present the year before….the year before that, he got me a flat screen TV. In any case, he was saying I need an upgrade and asked which phone I wanted. I told him I wanted a Blackberry….and it could even be the Boost mobile kind as I could afford the monthly fee. So after dinner, we wander over to Radio Shack and this man who had just said over dinner that a Blackberry was okay with him did not buy me anything but a set of earphones for my Zune because he felt that $200 was too much to pay for a phone. I was floored…..not only was HE the one who put the suggestion of a new phone out there AND say that he was agreeable to my choice, but he has spent more than the cost of the phone on steak dinners! I was pissed and he knew it; even today he will ask about my phone and I will give him a look and tell him it is in his best interest to drop the subject.

Now do not get me wrong….while I feel nothing sexual towards this man, I have offered him sex. I am not a gold digger ….I firmly believe in quid pro quo: you scratch my back, I will scratch your itch. When he bought me the flat screen ( 32”), when he has paid my rent (he has even paid up to two months at one time), when he takes me to the five star restaurants or puts money in my bank account because I say I am broke….I feel damn near obligated to offer up something to him but he has never taken me up on my offer, until the day after Christmas. All I can say is what was told to me once: his timing was terrible. He has been backhand insulting me, I am in pain and the man ASKED me what I wanted as a Christmas present. I told him: a bottle of Romance perfume by Ralph Lauren. That’s it. It is a bit pricey but not overly so…a big bottle can be gotten at Macy’s for under a hundred dollars and a smaller one for under $70. I buy it for myself, so it is not as if I said I wanted  something I could never get for myself.

So, the day after Christmas, Reliable One shows up and I had asked him to bring me some KFC. He comes in and before even handing me my food, he is worrying and complaining about how he MAY have gotten a camera ticket on his way over here….he is unsure because he was driving alongside another car and the camera could have caught the other guy. First thing…give me my food! I asked for it for a reason, primarily I am hungry. Second thing….you know if you were speeding or not, and those cameras will get you if you are 10 miles above the speed limit. Third thing….the ticket is only $50 and he says that it will be his second ticket of the year. Seriously?? You are bitching and moaning over what is only your 2nd ticket in 365 days, that will not leave points on your record nor raise your insurance rates AND it is not as if you cannot afford it…..the man makes 4 times my yearly salary and has none of the bills I do….and he wants to whine? In any case, he gives me my food and watched me as I divided it up….I put a piece of chicken, some potato wedges and the ear of corn on my plate….the other piece of meat and remaining potatoes I left in the box and asked him to place in the refrigerator for me. He does so, and when he returns he asked me what did I put in the fridge. He honestly did…..and that rattled my chain. You sat here and saw what I did and you want to ask me what I feel is the dumbest and  most obvious question of the year….I told him he was nosier than hell and why in the word is he asking me that…..you KNOW what the hell you just put in the fridge. Reliable One got angry….why would I call him nosy?? He wanted to know what I ate, that’s all……and that statement leads me to believe he is one of those guys who not only has a fat fetish, but he has to see you eat. I have had one of those guys before….I think they feel  that if they see you eat, they will witness the pounds just jump onto your body and that excites them.

In any case, I told Reliable One that he knows what he bought me, and he saw me divide the food so he already knows what the hell I am eating and yes, he is nosy. When I told him my assignment was moving me downtown, he asked where. I give him the cross streets and general area because at the time even I did not know exactly where…..and the man pressed me for an address for 3 days. Seriously. When he comes to my house (which is not often), the first place he always needs to go is the bathroom and when I go in after him, the man has moved back my shower curtain to see my tub….I say it is to see how nasty I keep it and I am so sorry to disappoint but it is always clean and shiny. He has gone into my closet to see my clothes and so yes, Reliable One….you ARE nosy. Well, by this time we are pretty much full blown arguing so I suggest we just drop the topic….he knows what he bought me to eat and he knows I will eat the rest at another time and really, go look in the box yourself if you want to know what I did not eat. I ask him to hand me my presents and not only did he not get me what I wanted, he actually left the price tags on them: I got a pair of black summer wedges that he got on clearance form Payless ( and nothing against Payless as I shop there, but all of my other shoes he bought me came from Nordstrom Rack) and a Ralph Lauren perfume sampler.

I swear, I am not trying to sound or be ungrateful ( the man had just paid my rent the month before) but I think the man is trying to downgrade me. Seriously…..but in trying to save a few dollars ( the perfume sampler cost $45), he ended up wasting his money. I know what I like to wear and I know what I want and that sampler box was not it. When I tried to explain to him that I do not like or wear the perfumes in the sampler, he wanted to know how did I know I did not like them? Is it because it wasn’t Romance? And I told him…exactly. I buy perfumes, I know what I like and what I asked for is what I like and want. I told him to take the gift back and get his money returned as I would not be using it but he asked me to keep it and that I wear the perfumes when I see him. Then he asks what can he get me that would elicit the reaction he got when he bought me the TV…..he said I hugged him so tightly and was so happy with that gift; and I told him: buy me a gift that I want myself but cannot afford. It has to be a surprise and it has to be something you know I   want/need but just cannot afford at this time. His suggestion: a Jeep Liberty. I told him if he got me that, I would pass out butt naked on my street and when I came to, I would suck his dick for 24 hours straight. Apparently, that gave him the courage he needed to do what came next…..the man stands up in front of me, unzips his pants and asked me for a handjob. Seriously?? You are in my house bitching over a possible $50 ticket, asking me the world’s stupidest question, giving me merchandise I do not even want that totals MAYBE $60 and you want a handjob? Again, his timing is terrible; he should be asking when he has saved my ass from possible eviction, not when he has fucked up a simple gift request. Needless to say, it was time for Reliable One to go home.

So now I am a bitch ( the man called me the next day to resume the nosy argument), probably ungrateful but I just do not see it that way….you asked what I wanted, I told you; you have the resources and for someone who wants to see me happy and showing you appreciation, why keep telling me what to put out there if you have no intention of picking it up? I do not get it…I do not ask him for things….he asks what I want. Personally, I think I am getting too worked up over a guy I feel is a friend at best; he is even more inexperienced than Him and who knows what issues lay beneath Reliable One’s surface? What I do know is when the chips are down and it’s crunch time, Reliable One is the first to the rescue and I am not a dumb chick….I cannot let a perfume sampler and summer shoes be what fucks up a sure thing. I will retract the nosy statement and replace it with Curious George and suggest we go to dinner someplace nice….not five star but not cheap or chain either. I will wear one of the perfume samples and make nice. No handjobs though…..when there is a Jeep Liberty parked in front of my house and he hands me the keys telling me it’s mine, he can get one. Hell, I may even do it topless!

And this is my last blog post for 2010. I want to thank my readers for hanging in here with me and if you are around for 2011, I would love that! The process is not finished, and who knows what will happen in the coming year? I can tell you that there will drama, funny stories and dates….I will re-visit Nebraska and there will be cryptic communications from Him (you can bet money on that one); Pregnant One will get a name change as  KBugg is coming and pretty much, I will be telling all of my business and lots of other people’s too. I wish everyone a safe and Happy New Year’s Eve and hope to see you guys in the New Year. Tomorrow I will blog about the Panel’s New Year’s resolutions and we will take it from there.

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The Horror Story Heroine

I get comments on some of my blog posts….my two favorite commentators are Bambi and Cherries. These women make me laugh and think and always say something that makes sense. We are strangers to each other, but they have shown me that they have my best interests at heart and I love them for that. Cherries, I have not heard from in a while and I hope she is doing okay and Bambi commented on my most recent post. Her advice: read the blog as a reader versus the author and tell the heroine to get the HELL out of Dodge. I laughed because she makes it sound like a horror story….and I guess in a way it is. If you take the hurtful words and actions and substituted them for stab wounds…both of us would be deader than hell.

It is funny because ever since the days of addiction (where I began my professional training for all things sexual), I have been the chick who attracts the weird ones, and it got no better in recovery. I think I have Weirdoes Welcome tattooed on my forehead or something; it is either that or like I said once before…like attracts like so maybe I am weird also. In addiction, I always got the tricks who were into the kinkiest things….I first got rimmed and rimmed a guy ( also known as salad tossing) back in the 90s before anyone thought to put a name to it. Public sex?? Standard operation procedure for a street girl so that was not unique to me. Toilet sports, face sitting and the men who sweat buckets while having sex…I got the guys who were both like that and into that. Men with breast fetishes, strap on fantasies and who wanted to talk and get to “know me”….I got those guys. The men who were even more fucked up than me were the ones who wanted me. I even had a guy who beat me, raped me and afterwards asked for my number because I was a decent woman, just fucked up and he could help me with that. Seriously??

I do know that I tend to be open-minded and either overlook or accept a lot of bullshit for my own reasons….in addiction, it was for the money to support my habit. I could deal with the liars because I was lying also…I wasn’t a crack whore like the other girls….I was a single mother with a baby whose man had been claimed as a victim of street violence. A cheating man? Hell, if it weren’t for them, I would never have survived and would have taken to robbing gas stations to get my fix. Men who were into cross-dressing? Fine by me as long as you had the money. In recovery, I still tend to overlook/accept  a lot of things, again for my own reasons. With Married Man, it started out as a paid arrangement so I overlooked the fact that he was married, had 4 baby mamas and 7 children…..then when my feelings began to deepen, I colored his irresponsibility, cowardice and lack of principles and morals with a rose colored pencil and said he had made some mistakes, but was doing the best he could. With Him…..I really had never had a man who freely admitted how fucked up he was and it freed me to let loose with my issues. I was met with acceptance, understanding and was told we all have been through something, that is what I used to be and who I am now is beautiful, sexy, intelligent and someone he was proud to know. I was incredibly sweet, loving and kind and while he did not know what I saw in a broken down old man…..he was lucky to have me.

Addiction blinded me to the obvious dangers right in front of me: you know I was anally raped at knife point and beaten with a hammer. I have had to jump from a car going 80 mph to save my life as I knew if I stayed, I would have died for sure…I have dude and the gun he held to my head not joking about what he was saying; I have been gang raped; damn near run over (thank God for the train tracks) when I refused to perform a blowjob for $5 and have sold myself for a sandwich. I slept in abandoned cars, used public alleyways for a toilet and at the end of my addiction, was sleeping on the ground in the dead of winter. I was beaten countless times and raped endlessly. I hear from lots of people how strong I am, but I do not see it that way. I was in the grips of an addiction and under the influence of a drug that did not give a damn about me and caused me not to give a damn about anyone or anything. I did what I had to do to survive which at best makes me adaptable or flexible. I am blessed and have been spared, but I am not strong.

I am not sure what has blinded me to him (and a part of me is still blinded, no lie) but I do know when I care for a man, my perceptions become skewered. It is not like friendship where you hear the person’s story and see the quirks and flaws but there is something in this person that you just KNOW will make your world a little bit brighter and better; so you embrace the quirks and flaws and accept them for who they are and where they are. No, with me and the men who pursue me and I choose to fall for…..it is like I see them and I hear the stories (believe me, Him told me the entire story so I cannot say I did not know) but I listen to them the wrong way, and I view their actions in the wrong light if that makes any sense. When I heard the stories of his marriage, I did not ask the role he played in things…I asked how could she treat him that way. When I did hear some of the role he played in the demise of his marriage, I did not run nor did I ask myself if he did that to a woman he loved enough to marry, what did that bode for me? I listened, I understood and I accepted that it was just him.  When he told me about his previous partners and said that things were good for only 4-6 months before they started acting crazy, I never saw the obvious sign ( HOW can they ALL be crazy??) because I tend to pick crazy men also. I told him they WERE crazy to let a sexy catch like him get away. I have an understanding of and for this man that transcends definition, but it is colored with an understanding of myself.

See, I know I am not a bad person….I suffer from self esteem issues and tend to lack confidence, but I treat people with kindness, respect and friendliness. I do not look down on anyone because once I was them, and but for the grace of God go I. I got caught up in situations that I was unprepared for and that were out of my control due to my vulnerability and people pleasing tendencies, but I am not crazy and I am fucked up due to what I have been through. I honestly try to work through my issues and baggage before embarking on something new with someone new because I feel it is not this person’s fault what the last person did to me. I try to be honest, objective, logical, reasonable and fair with everyone at all times….and I think everyone is just like me. The part of me that still loves him, that holds onto to a tiny piece of hope for us and believes that maybe, just maybe one day we CAN overcome this breach of trust and destruction of all we had sees that he is fucked up and cannot deal with his emotions and that maybe in a fucked up way, he calls himself doing me a favor so I can move onto to bigger and better things. I am seeing him the way I see myself….lonely, hurt and covering the pain with anger and false laughter, not allowing people to get too close on an intimate level and running when they do, but he is NOT me. Never has been, never will be. We may have common interests and shared issues but he is not where I am on any level….mentally or emotionally and because we connected on all levels, I think we ARE on the same level. That is not fair to either of us….I am setting myself up for disappointment by having an expectation that obviously is a higher standard than he is used to (remember, it takes work to realize what your issues are and to try to tame them as best you can) and he is not even going to try to act as if he is anywhere on that level. I can only applaud that….he knows what he is ready for and what he is not. What I do not applaud is his callous treatment, lies and disrespect but perhaps that has always been a part of him….my love and his masks blinded me to it.

You know what, Bambi?? Thanks a lot! This post wasn’t even supposed to be here today…you have delayed the Day After fiasco by another day and I am  going places and revealing things so deep and personal, I pray no one who knows me is reading this right now. But things have to come out and if not now, another time…..you have to wipe the shit off your shoes and the choices I make now have roots buried deep in my past and my psyche.  I do know that when I see him, I see myself and I know that if people had not helped me, talked to me and pulled my coattails, I have NO idea where I would be today. If people had not loved me when I was my most unlovable and did not offer up prayers and positive thoughts for me……and I see he needs that. He may never be the man I want him to be and he may never be my man again, but he needs friendship, caring and love and I do feel those things for him. He may never know that it is me who roots for him still, who really wants to see him happy and not being used and played and we do not have to be together for me to want those things and do those things for him. I know what it is like to be surrounded by love, honesty and healthiness and all you want to do is run for your life because you are simply not used to such things; regardless of how painful and fucked up previous situations have been, regardless that your way has always landed you in a space and a place you do not want to be in, that is what you return to because it is the familiar, and better to deal with the evil you do know versus the evil you don’t.

We do not have to be reconciled or even friends anymore for me to hold my hand out when he reaches…but it has to be in sincerity and friendship. Just checking to see if your 5 hour blowjob is where you left it is not what this is about anymore.  How many of us, when we are in need and are looking for a solution or a way out have depended on the kindness of strangers, and just because he destroyed the friendship does not make me his enemy. Does anyone  remember the episode of Grey’s that dealt with the train wreck and the man and woman were impaled on a pole? It was determined that once the pole was removed, only the man would live because the woman had too many internal injuries, so when the surgery was performed everyone of course went to work on the most viable patient. They did cursory work on the woman, but pretty much she flat lined as soon as she was put onto the gurney. Meredith started screaming: “What about her?? You can’t just abandon her!  You have to TRY!!” And that is how I feel about him….he is me when I was on the cusp of recovery and now that I know probably too much about him, I just cannot abandon him. Granted, he may never leave his familiar except for short periods and he may still flat line…..but someone has to care enough to try with him. And no one does, save me. I am NOT trying to save him or change him but he is lost and alone and we all have a guardian angel who is there for us when times get tough and the night is cold and dark. I have had countless….. I have been shown caring, understanding and placed on the right path  by people who did not know me from Adam’s housecat; I have people in my life now who freely give me what resources they have available and they do not expect anything of me in return;  the best way to repay that type of unselfishness is to pay it forward. If I can do so with homeless strangers by giving them food and money, surely I can be a friend to a man with whom I am still in love. It is all about forgiveness and not forgetting, but accepting that this is who he is and where he is.

But before any of this can happen, I DO have to work on me some more. My personal and professional life may be on pause while I wait to reap a harvest from seeds I have sown, but I  am not. I am still in motion and I have issues that still need sorting out, I need to go see a doctor about my health issues and I need to be more fiscally responsible; worrying about him when I have so much about me to worry about is nothing but a copout right now. His issues are not going anywhere and what happens with the choices he has now made are out of my hands. MY issues need my attention, MY job needs me there  and living and working around abdominal pain that has not lessened in a month is not working for me. So, I put him on the shelf for a minute (unless breaking news updates cause me to do otherwise) and take time for me.  So again, thank you Bambi for pointing that out because if I don’t look out for me first….who will?

Even a Stopped Clock is Right Twice a Day

I am not a dumb girl, at all. I am intelligent, witty, well-read and well-spoken. I do not tolerate dumbness or stupidity (unless you were born that way and really cannot help it). I can rationalize and research and figure things out…but this fiasco has had me stumped, baffled and feeling pretty dumb. Morning Person says all the time I keep trying to apply logic to a crazy person and that will never work. I have no answers or clues or any help at all from him so I am trying to make progress solo here. And after all these months of analysis and endless questions and playing all angles….I have come to a conclusion. No, the mystery is not solved, I am not processed and healed but I have reached a plateau I never thought I would. I am accepting things ( or at least allowing myself to entertain and put out in the Universe) that I never thought I would ever think or say.

 It started  last week (before the communication from him) when I realized that I was being pretty quiet and him was in the background more than ever. I was thinking like a single person again, and every other thought was not what is HE doing, what is HE feeling. That let me know the process was working and I know when the process is quiet, big revelations and flashes of brilliance hit me…some so hard, I feel as if I have been sucker punched. This knowledge had me feeling emotional discomfort and when I begin feeling emotional discomfort,  I get really petty and childish…..and I wanted to email/call him up and curse him out….the email he sent just gave me the excuse I needed. I ran it by Artsy Craftsy who told me NO. That would be just mean and hurtful and we are past the point of retaliation; at this point, it would open old wounds (whose? Mine are still pretty open….not as much, but nothing over here is closed) and reminiscent of Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown, only to snatch it away. No one likes Lucy. Morning Person said absolutely not. Him and I are not together and I cannot go around cursing him out because I am at odds and loose ends….it wasn’t right when we were together and it damned sure ain’t right now. Besides, we do not know where him is emotionally, and it is evident to Morning Person and Cuz based on his all over the map missive that he is looking for an opening….it does not matter which way the door opens (negatively or positively), he wants to get in.

Well, I did not listen to them but I did not curse him out either…..and I did it by talking to and listening to myself. My heart and my head got together for a good old fashioned talk, and the first thing that came to mind was the fact that I told myself, my Panel and my readers that I was NOT going to carry this negativity into 2011…..so if I was going to curse him out, it had to be done by Friday, and then I thought…for what? Seriously, what more can I say and how many more ways can I say it? HE knows what he did, he KNOWS how I feel about it. He SEES that he fucked up and at this point, I am NOT excusing, justifying or making anything easy for him. So to curse him out would accomplish what, exactly? What I want from him is acknowledgement….to tell me exactly what he was apologizing for. He never will give me the acknowledgement I want nor will I get an apology where he takes full blame for anything. Hell, during a huge argument a year ago, he called me an unwanted mistake….to my face. I want to say he also put it in an email because I recall sending Artsy Craftsy a communication with that exact phrase in it.  When he wanted to see me to talk things out, I threw that comment in his face right off the bat, and this man looked me in my face (again) and said he never said that….he said this with a straight face and told me he was hurt I would ever think he was capable of saying something like that. Artsy Craftsy said he should read what he writes. So, even if we reconcile to the point where WE are moving in together…..I will never get acknowledgment or 100% accountability from him.

Another thing that hit me is that I am acting as if I am special to him and being singled out for this horribly rude treatment and abandonment. He treats everyone the same way….I am just not privy to their treatment. There is a reason he is single; there is a reason that his longest relationship post-marriage  and prior to me lasted MAYBE six months. His marriage….I am not going to reveal those secrets to you but suffice it to say……she fared no better. And she did not let his issues and insecurities stop her from living her life. The man is incapable of doing anything on a personal/intimate level for the long term. In the beginning with him and I, I got the emails and phone calls; I got the quality time and cooked dinners and lots and lots of intimate encounters…..not always sexual, but always intimate. But slowly and surely….the need to work weekends took over, the funks came and the arguments arose over simple questions. He wanted to re-think being exclusive ( he wanted to change the word to monogamous as he says being exclusive got him nothing but hurt) and things went downhill quickly; however, we both held on because we knew that we had something that neither of us could put into words. The sex continued but then body parts started popping and blowing out (on him, not me) , the inadequacies surfaced and the depression came. It took all of 6 months the first time around for it to just disintegrate before my very eyes. He is not going to change, and his energy will wane from the effort he does exert….and there is no future for any woman with him. I should have gone with gut instinct from the get-go and made it a paid arrangement.

Morning Person wants me to say that there is no future for him and I, but we all know that. First, I already told you…I cannot be in the right and with this fiasco, I am nothing BUT in the right. I will never let him forget this shit…..as I was told today: if the man sneezes wrong, I am digging in the BTH bag looking for something to throw in his face. Second, who says that there will be a reconciliation? I admit, I wanted that more than anything when this shit happened and a part of me still hopes for one, but why? I will never trust him again…ever. He will have hoops to jump through and the man puts forth little effort at best; it would have to be a paid arrangement as he has proven that he cannot appreciate what was so freely given too many times before, and honestly, he may assist me financially the first two times but it will taper off and I will allow it because the part of me that loves him will have surfaced again. He cannot offer me anything long term, ongoing and regular…..at best it will be short term and because he will want to be with me sexually, not regular at all. He will be scared by the intensity of our chemistry as we will never have interruptions and I am the woman who will not only be alone in a room with him, I will do so naked. So, what good is a reconciliation as I am no longer willing to compromise or even to lead him back home to me? We played by his rules the first two times and while I share blame in the first breakup, my transgressions this time arose from his provocation….and we see where his rules land us. And he always wants to say it is no one’s fault…it is just the way it is.

The Panel is divided as to what will happen with us: personally I see us at best maintaining civility; everyone else except Morning Person, Oscar and Cuz see us with a strong friendship. Morning Person is crossing fingers and toes and hanging her head. She is speaking to me in stern tones to NOT communicate with him. She wants me to unplug phones and go back to blocking his email address. She wants the process to hurry the fuck up and bring me to new and higher levels of acceptance. She feels that no matter  what, when we see each other we will be back together because the chemistry is still there. Oscar feels that while all of this is a horrible thing to happen and completely fucked up, him does care and it is still some horrible something gone wrong and it has been blown out of proportion. The man does not know what he wants, and she feels that the BTH incident is what will show him it has been me all along. Cuz….Cuz is insistent that there is no contact, no communication and when I see him to address him as Punk Motherfucker. Cuz says that him is stuck out in left field all by himself and needs the love, comfort and care only I provide. He has had enough of being abused and kicked and needs to  not only be a man but to feel like one also. I am the only one who will allow him to be that, and according to Cuz….it stops now. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on. Out of the entire Panel, Cuz is the only one who insists that there cannot even be a friendship. According to Cuz, we are not magical together and there are no fireworks….we are voodoo and explosions and frankly, he is tired of having to help me wipe the shit off my face when him pulls his stunts.

Right now, I am not doing anything….what will happen will happen. I am feeling like the stopped clock referenced in the title….I feel as if I am not moving or progressing, but once in a while….I have flashes of clarity and brilliance and know I am on the right track.  I am processing, letting go of expectations and waiting patiently for my turn at bat again. I did post an ad online….it was a great ad, nicely written and concise….and while I have been told it has been published ( I posted it twice) it has not posted anywhere on the site. What else can I say other than this is a sign (yet another one!)  that it is not my time and this time I am listening. I am sticking to the no communication rule and it does not bother me the way it used to. There  has been no word from the Islanders other than his appearance and demeanor are the same…Chef thinks he may be even more dumpy and draggy ass than usual but I can do nothing about that. The man is not my husband or my child…he is a man grown who made his choice. I cannot be his savior or his enabler any longer….he cannot learn his lessons if I am the one sitting in class for him.  I am going to climb in bed and listen to more of my playlist….and I am going to end this post with a brief synopsis of a song I inadvertently left off the list in yesterday’s blog. I promise…the Day After fiasco you will know all about before the year is over.

Heartbeats by Jose Gonzalez: I cannot believe that I forgot to list him in yesterday’s blog…..this song I listen to on a near daily basis, and hit repeat a good 3 times when I do. I think it is because this song….this beautiful, poignant song  that says so much ( to me it does) cannot be listened to if you are not in a good place and in a accepting mood. Seriously, I listen to it when I am melancholy and all the whys and unanswered questions flood my mind, but now after all the analysis and revelations….it can be the most fitting swan song to what him and I shared and it the lyrics are an ode to not only our last day/night together, but maybe to what happened to us: “One night to be confused, one night to speed up truth….we had a promise made, 4 hands and then away. Both under influence, we had divine sense to know what to say, mind is a razor blade. One night of magic rush, the start a simple touch; one night to push and scream….and then, release. Days of perfect tunes, sharing different heartbeats…we had a promise made, we were in love.

Music Calms the Savage Beast

I am on the warpath…..no joke. I am still in pain, Mother Nature is visiting and the process is being too quiet which tells me something big is going to break. People (okay, one person)  are saying the stupidest things, asking obvious questions and pretty much wondering why I am not pleased with their offerings when they bring me things I did not ask for; I am not being ungrateful, but if you ask me what I want as a Christmas present and I tell you and you bring me something that is NOT what I ask for…..prepare for me to really NOT like your present. I will elaborate further in another blog about all this, but right now…..I am still too angry and filled with some sort of self-righteous entitlement to give you guys an objective overview of what went down.

In any case, I did vent about it to Morning Person and Pregnant One and they both suggested I calm down and blog it out….I am taking the first suggestion; like I said, I will blog it out when I can be objective about all that went down. Music is my balm and my refuge…with all that is going on, I need something to help me clear my mind, cheer me up and bolster my resolve. I need something to help me with the closet cleaning, to assist with the unanswered questions and to keep hope (that I will survive this and come out better, stronger and healed) alive. So here is a list of only a few of the songs I am re-discovering on my Zune and adding to the ever changing playlist that is now the soundtrack of my life:

The Sun Is Coming Up and My Plane Is Going Down by Young Galaxy: This song is just haunting and beautiful. The guy sings about how some feelings are so simple to feel yet so hard to explain; how he reached out to give her what she needed, yet she was always in another space, another place. Now that she is ready to receive his offerings, he has to move on and while he will always feel and care, it is time for someone to care and feel for him.

Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money by Primitive Radio Gods: THIS song…..classic. When it first came out in the early 90’s , I loved it and my feelings towards it have not changed. It is a song of irony ….of course, most people associate irony with Alanis Morrisette’s Ironic which is a great song also. But Primitive Radio Gods’ take is irony as it relates to love and life….what if all that is supposed to be good were bad? It has beat, a smooth melody and the bluesy hook speaks for itself…to the woman he loves he says: “I’ve been downhearted baby…ever since the day we met”.

Natural Blues by Moby: This is a sad song….no doubt. BUT it is sad with a beat. It makes me move and groove and the message is one that everyone can relate to, and it does not have to be related to love or romance: “No one knows my trouble but God”.  Definitely it is a remix of an old time spiritual and tells the tale of how this person goes place to place, person to person to find help, refuge, etc. and always the door is closed. With no one to help them and nowhere to go….there is only God. And how true is that? God does what no man can but we get impatient because it is not when we want it, so we run in circles in an attempt to make things happen….and they won’t until God is ready for them to.

Sideways by Let’s Go Sailing: It’s been on Grey’s Anatomy ( FAVE show with THE best music ever)….and the episode was titled “My Favorite Mistake”. Do I need another reason to be totally infatuated with this song?? The first line says it all: “I’ve been walking; I’ve been thinking; I’ve been looking at you sideways.” For all my processing and good game talk….I still steal sideways glances at him in my mind.  Other lyrics: “I woke up pretty; I have no problem dipping my feet; the trouble comes when I have to jump”. I am going to say they are referring to jumping INTO the relationship, not jumping out….but I have to make the leap sooner or later out of this fiasco completely….and I wonder if I have been ready and won’t let go because the current state of mind the process has put me in suggests it is finally time to move on.

You Know The Way (Acoustic Version) by Right The Stars: Again, a find found on Grey’s…..this song hurts in the most beautiful way. “Smoking cigarettes out in your car, thinking about the time you lost your mind”; “forget sometimes that life is beautiful, sleeping through the dreams that make you whole”; “you will know the way to go back home”. The song sounds sad, and may seem sad….but is a song filled with hope, because don’t we all just want to be home, where we are loved and understood?

What If I Leave? by Rachel Yamagata: I first fell in like with Rachel when she released Worn Me Down…..in that song she told her guy he had worn her down like a road even after she did all he told her; she was worn down to her knees trying to please to him…yet all he thought about her was Her ( another woman). Now, in this song….Rachel tells him he does not call when he says he will and why can’t he love the woman who loves his face, his touch, his everything? Is it because she no longer belongs to him or because he feels that it won’t work out if they try again? And she poses the question…what if I leave? Will you chase, will you change, will you miss me if I leave? All she wants is to go back, start again and be his fool again….but he won’t call.  So she asks…what if I leave….will I find another who will be my lover or will you find your way back home? Indecision set to a mellow, jazzy background….perfect substitution for a Nina or Billie night.

Allies by Blue States: Hope with a dance beat….the album title itself gives me hope to move forward: First Steps Into…. And I definitely am taking my first steps into the unknown. When I broke it off with Married Man, I stepped into the Craigslist Experiment which was pretty much a series of one night stands, dinner dates and a entire week of Nebraska….maybe I will tell you guys about Nebraska one day….and no, it is not about the state. But when I broke it off, I knew what I was going to do. After the experiment, I ventured into Him….and now, I am adrift and am truly in unknown and uncharted territory. I cannot hide behind sex or dates or experiments. I am going through the process and I am doing it with no exit strategy, relying only on faith and friendship.  The lyrics in this song are simple and repetitive: “These days are mine…. we’re left behind.” They do branch out with “I can’t believe it’s here again” and not sure what is here again, but I want to say love.

Don’t Forget Me by Way Out West: Again, Grey’s knows me and what I like….I swear, I would watch Grey’s if only to discover new tunes and artists. This song is haunting and filled with nothing but acceptance….”There is just one thing I need to say before I close my eyes and walk away; there is just one thing I need to feel before I walk away against my will”. “The memory of this will always remind me of you, and that is where you will find me.” “Don’t forget me, don’t regret me, don’t neglect me”.

Hello by Tristan Prettyman: A song for when I feel the love and remember the good times and wonder what in the hell happened. I am going to mix the lyrics up a bit but you will get the gist…. “Hello, I’ve had you on my mind for hours, there’s no doubt; hello, how could I ever feel this way with so much left to say and so much on my mind; hello, my God you’re beautiful, it’s true, every day I stumble getting caught up on you; ‘Cause baby, I’ve been lightly drinking and a little bit too heavy on the thinking, won’t you tell me something good? ‘Cause baby you start and then you stop and my heart beats big before it drops and I don’t know what to do; sit back and let my love grow good for you….so baby baby, whatcha waiting, whatcha waiting, whatcha waiting for?”

Okay, you know what? I could go on and on and on with the freaking songs I am listening to right now…..any and everything by Matt and Kim, the new R. Kelly album, the instrumental by Tycho ( Coastal Brake), Thievery Corporation…..seriously, I would be here all of the night and day when it comes to my music. Suffice it to say, the current selection of tunes covers all the bases of where I am in the process. Right now, it is after midnight, I have work in the morning and I have to figure out a way to tell you guys about the Day After fiasco. Chef and Artsy Craftsy are on alert to see and tell if my next to final worst case scenario came true over the holiday weekend, so I need to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for that (I know, I know….move on, move on….but it is a process, and we are all nosy!) ….in any case have a great night/day and look for me tomorrow.

 

How Do You Clean the Closet?

Well, it is the day after Christmas and I really hope that everyone who reads this blog had a wonderful, enjoyable and relaxing holiday. After my mini-meltdown Christmas Eve (and Sana sent me an early Christmas present in the form of Oscar who was a ROCK), I went back to sleep to see if I could not wake up on a better side of the bed. It is a process, and none of this (the overcoming, getting over and processing) is going to just let me say POOF! I’m over him, his actions and I am all better. It all has to be taken one day at a time, and some days will be better than others, the bad days will get further and further apart and thinking about tomorrow will not and does not change how I feel today.

I value and appreciate having others along with me on this journey down the hallway….the insight, input and advice I get is invaluable. I have an Independent Consultant who has been around since the days of Married Man….I am going to feed my ego and call her Mini-Me and not because we resemble each other…we don’t; but her relationships tend to take on patterns that strangely follow mine….whatever strange, fucked up thing my man does….hers suddenly does. Whatever I feel towards my man at a particular moment….she feels . But she can be a bitchy thing also…whenever my relationship is in a really fucked up spot…..that is when hers is over the moon and she will rub.it.in.my.face. And then she wonders why I curse her out….I tell people up front….MY shit is all fucked up and I REALLY am not in the mood to hear about your wonderful news or how fucking great your damned man is right now. Tell me later when I can be happy for and with you., but Mini-Me never listens. Never. But in any case, she and I were talking over the holiday weekend and she said something that is so fucked up yet so truthful, I can do nothing but laugh and accept it: the woman told me I was an emotional hoarder.

I am going to say I have known that I am one but never knew the words or terminology to describe it; I blogged once about putting memories/emotions away for future reference and I tell you guys all the time I am a grudge holding bitch. Put the two together and this is what it has led to…..being a hoarder. I really try NOT to be petty and to overlook slights, snubs and downright rude behavior but when it comes to just doing me wrong or using my face to wipe your ass with…..I do hold on. With Mini-Me, I STILL hold a grudge against her and the infraction is over 8 years old. Really, and when I think about it, I get just as pissed as I did the day it happened and will call her up to curse her out all over again…..over a freaking seafood salad. Seriously. In 2002, a group of girls (me included) took a trip to Ocean City and we split ourselves into two rooms. Because not everyone had the money to eat out every meal, we brought groceries to take advantage of the kitchenette; each room was responsible for their own breakfast but we agreed to share dinners. One night, one room was to make fried chicken and corn on the cob, and my room decided I would make my famous seafood and pasta salad. So I prepare the salad, and when my room went downstairs to share dinner, Mini-Me’s room had eaten ALL the chicken and corn!! ALL of it…..so me and my girls took OUR salad back to our room to eat, and Mini-Me wanted to raise hell and call ME a greedy, selfish bitch. Needless to say, that started something that pretty much ended with all in Mini-Me’s group being a bunch of worthless, fat, lazy, loose booty bitches. They could take their stank asses far away from me and if they all dropped dead that was fine by me and NONE of them had best never say not one word to me EVER again in life. I am sure you know our weekend getaway was a bust from there on out and I honestly did not speak to any of those chicks for a good two weeks….Mini-Me came to me with an apology but I was in grudge mode. Here is another truth about me: you cannot ever let me be in the right as no matter what I say I want from you…it will never be enough. No matter if you fall to your knees and beg my forgiveness and jump through every hoop I put out there….you will always be wrong and I will always be right and I will NEVER let you forget that fact. So I lied, told her I forgave her but really, I haven’t. That incident colors everything I say and do with her and whenever I get good and ready, I pull it out and just vent on her. Yet, she says I am her best friend ever ( I am still a good friend to her) and when we do our weekend in Ocean City, she is always part of the group and ALWAYS has to room with me. We no longer cook ourselves; you have to have the money to feed yourself, period.

With Policeman, I am still emotionally hoarding…..I have NOT forgotten his hurtful ass comment and while I will at least answer the phone when he calls, I have little to nothing to say to him. He tells me I am his only confidante and he cares so much for and about me and if he lost my friendship his whole word would change…..but all I can think is he hurt me with a careless remark and I am NOT letting that go. Ever. He belittled my feelings and tried to discount what is the worst thing to ever happen to me sober because I am not married to the man. Hell, Policeman IS married and has a girlfriend and STILL will never know what it is like to receive the depth of love and caring I gave to Him. This statement is going to sound so petty, but he showed himself to be nothing but a jealous hater.

Reliable One….the man is an idiot who has no idea what to say out of his damned mouth and while he does come through for me, and takes me to dinner and buys me presents…it is getting to the point I feel he owes it to me for the shit he puts out there.  My emotional hoarding with Reliable One has me developing a sense of entitlement and that is NOT good…for either of us. He tells me that he loves me, I am his dream girl and he will be here to help me until I can take of myself for the long term…..but he will turn around and call me fat ( remember the Michelin Man on stilts comment?), ugly ( almost beautiful isn’t beautiful) and that he likes another girl more than me. Well and good, but seriously, unless you can say something nice, positive and encouraging to me..please do us both a favor and SHUT THE FUCK UP!  I have never told him he was either handsome or ugly; I make no comments as to  him needing to give up the gym as he is doing nothing but getting bigger in all the wrong places; I say absolutely nothing about him being well over half a hundred and never having left his mother’s house or that he still sleeps in the twin bed he grew up in or the fact that he has to be home FROM WORK before the street lights come on because his mother has him on curfew. I used to tell him he was a nice guy, but now, even that may stop. All I know is when he says those hurtful (and intentional or not, hurt is hurt) things, not only am I tucking them away with the other fucked up things he has said,  I am already planning which bill his ass will be paying that month. I am wondering how long before he notices the pattern.

Him….what can I say? What I thought was all good has turned out to be all wrong. He has destroyed the trust between us and has compromised the understanding and acceptance. The part of me that loves him is miniscule compared to the part of me that is now hoarding all the wrongs and infractions. The communication he sent Thursday: who KNOWS why he put the line that negates the rest of the missive in there, but objectively, he DID attempt an apology and perhaps amends as best he knows how….but it is not enough. You are going to gloss over the fact that you destroyed me emotionally by saying you made me “feel bad”? Feeling bad is having a cold; feeling bad is PMS or forgetting a close someone’s birthday. What I went through ( and am still going through) is NOT feeling bad…..crying at my desk at work, on the bus ride home and wishing I could just die is not feeling bad. I have been downhearted ever since the day he left; I wear a mask to answer the fucking phone and he says he made me “feel bad”?  Bull.Shit. A generic “all I did and did not do and say”….you DON’T know what you did?? You cannot tell me that YOUR cowardice, deceptiveness and lies has brought us to this point? Are you still hiding behind your denial and delusions, and while you cannot shoulder all the blame as you should be doing, you think you are manning up by sending me this piece of shit email?? This man, who tell me how good I look should we see each other again, has shown me that everything he has ever told me is a lie and I am supposed to take his telling me how good I look as a compliment? He allowed his head to be turned by a bug-eyed BTH and I am supposed to believe him that I look good? This is a man who only takes his head out of his ass long enough to blow smoke up mine…and I am supposed to just accept this half assed apology and forgive and forget because it is the best he can do?  Kiss my ass. Seriously.

Definitely, I am an emotional hoarder and I need to forgive and forget so I can clear some room in my heart and soul….I need to clean my closet, if you will. Forgiveness, it comes but not quickly…..you have to wrestle with the hurt and anger; you have to overcome the self-righteousness.  If you don’t, you remain a bitter victim who only gives the illusion of moving on. You remain bent on your vengeance and will deny the happiness or goodness of  what was right and good with  what you had because you are wrapped up in and possibly choking on the bile of what went wrong. You have to forget, at least all that was bad and wrong….you HAVE to, because without forgetfulness, there is no forgiveness. You can’t say I forgive you but every time you turn around, you are throwing what they did in their face. I forgave and forgot once (with Him I did) but I made a fatal mistake….I forgot the lesson. This time around, I hesitate to forgive fully and forget anything. I did it the first time and he went straight for the jugular in less than a month See, I know me…..with this man, I will always give him my all and if I hold onto lessons learned, I cannot give him my all. I will hold back and build walls so high even I won’t be able to see over them.. IF these cryptic communications with the lackluster, half-assed apologies are his way of reaching out to find his way back home to me, I can’t accept this. It is not enough even though I told him that if he gave me an apology and an explanation it would be. Now I am the one with the mixed signals, but it is not because I am that fucked up. It is because I have grown….while he has been being happier than ever and looking/dressing/feeling/great and losing weight, I have been growing, healing and processing…I am no longer in the space I was when I told him an apology would suffice….and he is just now getting there.

Maybe the saying should be forget and forgive, because if you have forgotten, there is nothing to forgive. But another adage cautions us that those who forget history are doomed to repeat it…..so is there a balance?  Is there a way to clean out emotional closets, and shine up the tarnished memories so they are pretty and bright again and the memories that are too dirty and tattered you can just toss away like the garbage they are?  Can you toss the story yet keep the lesson? Basically, I want to know: is there a way to forgive, forget yet still hold onto lessons learned AND still think of a person with fondness and tenderness for when times were good and great and there were whispers instead of shouting, laughter instead of tears and tender kisses instead of your heart being ripped out of your chest? I think it is called Time….and if it doesn’t heal all wounds, it scars them over and makes them bearable.

Blue Christmas

It is Christmas Eve, and I am not filled with cheer or holiday spirit or anything resembling those things. You know, no matter what has happened in my life, I have always had the holiday spirit….the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas when the air is crisp and cold; people smile more and are more generous with kind words, money and food; there may not be snow, but the city is decked out with wreaths, trees, lights and bows. You know, the time of year when you wish complete strangers the very best for a wonderful holiday and a new year and the plight of the homeless and the hungry tug at your heartstrings even more. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and Christmas is not far behind. Of course I love to RECEIVE gifts (who doesn’t?) but I am one of the few who get true joy from giving….to match the perfect gift with a person and their personality…..I love it.

This year….a year that I held such high hopes and expectations for….a year that was the start of a new decade and hopefully a new direction for me…..has disappointed me in all ways and on all levels. Professionally, I am still not a permanent part of anyone’s agency and my salary has me struggling to keep the roof over my head and clothes on my back. Money  or the lack of it, has seen me spend my two favorite holidays alone and unable to provide for family and friends. I do not mind the alone part so much as I am not prepared physically or emotionally to deal with people…I have no energy to put the happy mask on unless I absolutely have to. I have email, telephone, movies, books and so many other things to occupy my mind and my time; not being able to give my friends and family presents as a token of my love, appreciation and gratitude pangs me. I know it is not all about the food or the presents and I am not a material person per se, but after all I have been through and the countless hours, emails, support and advice my Panel and my mom have given me throughout this tumultuous year…words seem so empty and meaningless. Old friends and new friends alike have shown me a depth of love and compassion  that overwhelms me and while not even the most expensive gift could match the pricelessness of that, it is more tangible.

Personally…..again, I fell into the trap. Earlier this year, he and I were estranged. He had said in no uncertain terms that we would ever again be sexual; he feared that he could not offer to me what he felt I needed and deserved. I disagreed as I thought it was his inadequacy, depression and ego speaking but I accepted that and we had fallen into a friendship. I had again learned to be comfortable with my singleness and was just about ready to venture back out there in all ways, when he stated he wanted to try again. That is one thing with this guy….he has an uncanny knack of knowing when I am ready to venture forth and spread my wings (or legs) with someone different, and that is when he is ready to try something with me.  We had a couple of  false starts, but then came the day….I asked him a thousand times was he sure. I told him we could just make it a onetime thing and just fall back into the friendship…but he was insistent that we both give it a full effort. Everyone was in the past, he was ready to go further and farther with me….and now look at us. It is Christmas Eve and I have been awake since 6am crying my eyes out. I don’t have him crying his eyes out…I have him being happy and making Christmas merry and bright and decking halls and jingling bells. And here is a question: during a breakup, why does the dumpee, who is in misery and pain, have the dumper being incredibly happy?  We have no way of knowing anything but it seems the dumper is always so much happier without the dumpee. Are we programmed to ingest as much misery as possible, either via gossip/social circles or our imagination?  I swear, I think my imagination and my committee are my own worst enemies during this process. My Panel tells me what I need to know to  let go of false hope and while a couple of things have been painful, the truths they see and relate do not make me feel better; it appeals to the love I have for him and brings back memories of what we had when it was good.  I ask myself why can’t he love me/care for me on a consistent basis? Why can’t he be honest with both of us? Why does he throw shit out there he feels only at that moment and encourage me to pick it up, only to knock it out of my hands? When will I be over the hurt of it all, and when will he become a distant memory?

NOT Christmassy thoughts, but perhaps appropriate. Winter has been a cruel season in my family as that is when Death seems to prefer to snatch my loved ones, so perhaps I am grieving and mourning what once was and never will be again. I cry because we are both facing tomorrows without each other and without knowing what could have been; I cry because I felt something with him that if he could have freed himself from his demons and allowed himself to freely give in, it would have been something beyond words and measure. I cry because at this moment in time…..we are over and I fear that the ultimate worst case scenario will come true and kill off the last vestige of hope I keep tucked away and out of sight. I fear the unknown and the change I am now going through. I fear that it really IS me and not him and I am destined to always be the one who loves and gets left.

So this year, there is no Christmas in my house….yes, I have up a tree ( tabletop….I live in a studio), cards and a couple of decorations. I am playing remixed Christmas carols and wish neighbors, family and friends Happy Holidays but there is no Christmas here. There is mourning and grief and a resolve to not carry this into 2011. I have no ideas what awaits in the new year, but I need all the positive thoughts and karma I can muster; not the insecurities and hurt/pain of this fiasco. I need a positive attitude and can-do resolutions to improve all areas of my life. I want a better holiday season next year….I want lots of food, family and friends. I want smiles, laughter ad funny stories. I want happy memories, not a re-hashing of the whys and whats and hows.

Perhaps 2010 is my Year of the Storm…..and storms do not last always. I want to flip this entire thing around and say I am being tested and prepared for blessing so huge and wonderful, they will overflow and I will be at a loss as to what to do with all this newfound happiness. I can only hope so…..and pray that the hurting stops soon so I can move forward again.

Well, I wish all of my readers a VERY Merry Christmas; I wish you love, peace and all the good gifts you asked for. I wish you happiness and lots of good food and that no one ever takes you for granted. I wish you all are appreciated and show appreciation and that this is your best Christmas ever. We’ll talk again on Sunday.

Smoke and Mirrors

I am going to say something I never thought I would ever say, or at least not until it was over: Thank God for this process. Seriously. Today…two days before Christmas, I receive an email from Him. Out of the blue and totally unexpected and still so typically him. Like a good little girl, I sent it off to some Panel members…Morning Person, Artsy Craftsy, Pregnant One, Oscar, Quiet One Chef and Cuz. Even some Independent Consultants were tapped for this communication…and we are all stupefied and wondering when in the HELL is Artsy Craftsy going to order those damned decoder rings.  She is hesitant to order them given my new mindset as she says that we won’t need them soon, but really…..I am waffling all over the place and who knows who is next in line on my dance card? I tend to choose guys who LOOK to be normal, sane and together on the outside and in the beginning, but they all turn out to be defective and in need of a factory recall.

I am going to say the communication was to wish me a Merry Christmas but I am not really sure. He started off telling me he never hated me and was hurt I would think that (hmmm…you told me so!); he never has and never would say anything negative against me. He apologized for anything he did or did not do that caused me to hurt or feel bad. BUT, he is the happiest he has ever been in his life, he is looking, dressing and feeling great and he has lost weight. THEN he wished me a Merry Christmas. That’s it. Morning Person says he and I are meant for each other as he under-communicates and I over-communicate; kind of like Jack Sprat and his wife except with words.

You know, the second thing that galls me about this entire fiasco (the first being his treatment of me)  is that he has NEVER come clean with me about the BTH: the man has never told me he is in a relationship, he has never said he has a girlfriend or a woman….he says nothing to me personally, but he creates his own rumors and makes sure I hear them. He has ample opportunity to do so, he just chooses not to; yet  he will either ignore me when faced with a direct question or wants to jump all over me when I get ghetto and break shit down to its simplest terms for him. So, either he thinks I already know and I am going to be truthful here….. I know he told me he met a woman and it was a “whirlwind tornado”; I know  that the puzzle pieces he displays suggest a relationship; I know the rumors he leaks and put them together, it tells me that YES, he is in a relationship and I know about it via gossip and grapevines. However, it is all circumstantial; if this were a court of law, more than likely I would lose the case. Some cases have been won on circumstantial evidence, but countless have been lost.

He had the perfect opportunity to give us both closure and lay this mess to rest and one would think the line about “happiest he has ever been” would do so….it stung to hear that a man I still love is so freaking happy without me, but Morning Person pointed it out first: he never said WHAT had him so damned happy. I am assuming it is the BTH. Personally I was going in two directions: either it was the BTH or fucking me over royally had him so damned happy. Oscar says that line was the cruelest thing she has ever read and obviously the man was dense and fucking nuts. Chef just wants to know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, and if him really thinks his current state of being is happiness, the man is beyond help.

He has proven himself to be a liar with himself and others: Quiet One, Chef and Artsy Craftsy all tell the same tale: the man looks like sin dipped in misery. Not 5 months ago, while he was balding, his hair had more pepper than salt in it; now, he is completely gray. His face is more lined and wrinkled than before and Quiet One says it looks like a prune. With me, there were some wrinkles and laugh lines (but he smiled and laughed so much with me, I never really noticed)  and I would always try to get him to let me give him an apricot scrub to exfoliate his skin, but he always refused.  The weight loss is uneven….his pants are still tight ( the man really does have a fat ass) but his shirts and jackets are hanging on him and according to Artsy Craftsy….his lack of clothing/fashion sense is really shining through. Yet, to me he says how great he is looking and dressing. Not sure if he is living in a parallel universe, or my Islanders need eye appointments but what good does it do my Panel to tell me how miserable he is? And how do 3 separate people of different races, ages and genders  get bad vision at the same time regarding the same subject?  

So he has yet to come clean, has yet to offer an explanation or a sincere apology….seriously. His first apology basically said: I’m sorry, but all of what you talk about is in your head. This time around, he said: I’m sorry, but in order for me to be happy, not only did you have to go, I had to goat fuck you first. I am continuing the process to give myself closure; I told you,  this man is the Master of Mixed Signals and his denials and delusions boggle the mind, cross the eyes and make the head shake. If I were not involved in a lifestyle that calls for honesty the majority of the time (actually it is all the time, but I am a work in progress)  and I did not have a support group, I would not know if I were coming or going. If I were not in this process, I am not sure where I would be emotionally….probably taking a page from Buddy’s girlfriend’s book and pitching tents at the end of his driveway; however, I AM in a process, and I do have a support group and as hard as it is, I AM being truthful and objective so I am in a good place. I can see that at this point in time…..there is nothing between us. If I am offering abc, I need him to offer it also, not come at me with q’s and v’s. You do not have to bring more to the table than I do, but at least bring the same things…..and all he can match me in  is fucked up for fucked up.

I am no longer analyzing because there is nothing to analyze…..at least not with this communication there isn’t. Morning Person is getting a little more worried and is insisting I say nothing, as is Quiet One. Nobody knows what he is thinking or where is trying to go with this and I have already decided: I have to see him for myself. This verbal interaction allows him to hide behind the smoke and mirrors and no one knows if the outstretched hand is reaching out or pushing away. Once I see him with my own eyes, the eyes that see all of him and the eyes that know what his eyes are hiding, then I can make a determination. I am not rushing anything and I am not forcing anything; it is what it is and I am betting it won’t change anytime soon…at least on his end it won’t. I need to pull myself together and be ready to leave it all behind in a little over a week….remember, I am not dragging this into the New Year; we can create new drama or finally kill and bury  this whatever it is that apparently neither of us is willing to let die. Gladys Knight said it best: Neither one of us wants to be the first to say goodbye. But maybe….just maybe, if we say goodbye to each other, clear the smoke and remove the mirrors, we can finally say hello to ourselves.