Crossing Bridges

I am feeling like a rock star today. He has stayed in the background and I have had a really good two days. I have finally shaken off the lethargy  long enough to clean my house…..seriously, I was two weeks away from being shut down by the Board of Health but today…my bathroom is white and sparkly and my kitchen has clean dishes and both floors are clean again. My closet is completely turned over: clothes, shoes and purses are now ready for the colder weather AND the laundry is washed, dried and folded. I dusted, I vacuumed and I put fresh linen on my bed. I even cooked dinner, people. I love having good days amid the process….I feel pretty much myself again and I wish the process was over so I can continue to feel this way. However, it is not over, I am on the see-saw as Artistic One likes to call it, and I know that acceptance is working its way in; I just don’t know where it will lodge this time.

I am going to talk a little bit about acceptance as it seems to be the key to getting through and while it will not speed up the process, it may make it less painful. It will help tame my issues and it is Morning Person’s favorite word. I am going to insert a disclaimer here that this is my opinion and experience….no one else’s, so it may be biased, flawed or not make any sense to anyone but me. Oh,  I HAVE to put this in here as I simply cannot stand it when people use “except” as “accept”. Two different words people, with two different meanings. Acceptance: the act of taking or receiving something offered; the act of assenting or believing. Except: with the exclusion of; excluding; save; but. And just so you know, there is no such word as “exceptance”….it is “exception”.

Acceptance is the bridge we cross to get to the next step; whether you admit it or not, in order to get to the next level in any process, a part of you has accepted a cold, hard truth. Acceptance is hard to take as no one wants to face the truth….yes, we say we want to hear it and why can’t people tell us the truth and if we had know the truth beforehand, we could have made our decisions instead of it having been made for us. But, if you knew the truth of how things would end up, would you still do it? Seriously, if I had known that day in July what would happen less than 6 weeks later, would I have gone with him, would I have listened and believed or would I have said: thanks, but no thanks and kept the friendship?  Of course I want you to think I am a smart cookie and would not put myself in harm’s way, but honestly, I still would have done it as I love him and the chance to be with him one more time, even though it could possibly be the last time?  I would be so there for that one moment in time. I once went to a women’s spiritual retreat and me and about 10 other recovering women were asked the question if we could live our lives over, what would we change? Over half including myself said we would not change a thing…..acceptance allowed us to realize that every incident led us to that particular moment in time. Acceptance helped us realize that yes, we made bad choices but sometimes, you have to go through what you need to go through to become who you are supposed to be. Some said that they would be better mothers and sisters and daughters….but if they had not had suffered what they did, what yardstick would they measure better against? And in recovery, being given a second chance….weren’t they already being better? Getting the help they need, sticking with a program, making different choices….isn’t that being  a better person all around?

So yes, no one wants to deal with acceptance because acceptance is hard. Who wants to face the fact that they have been rejected? Who wants to face that what they thought was a second chance has pretty much blown up in her face and that they helped make sure that no chance for anything with a person they call their soulmate would be forthcoming? Who wants to face that the one person they trusted and loved with their everything is a liar, a coward and an asshole and brings out the worst in her when he fucks up? Yes, I have let acceptance in some areas: I know we are over and that the last time was the last time, I know I played a significant role in our demise and I know vengeance will never be a part of my plan in moving forward…damnit!  Yet, I hold onto hope….why or for what I do not know. Perhaps for the same reason I am still in love with him…..because once…once we were something special together and to each other. Once, he cared and wanted me and we made each other so happy. Once we had friendship, fire and magic. Acceptance will allow me to hold onto that but reminds me that that is what we were…what we are now are strangers, and there is a really good chance we will remain so. I do not want to accept that, so I use my coping mechanisms to delay the truth or at least allow it to seep in a little at a time….if we had to face the truth of our personal devastations full force and face on…..who knows what would happen to us. The entire world would probably be filled with Psycho Bitches Gone Postal.

Earlier I told you he was staying in the background and I was on a see-saw; when he does come to the forefront (well, these past two days anyway), it almost feels right and good to love him and I can almost forget why we are no longer together; I can almost forget that this is the man who has caused so much pain and I wonder what happened to us and not in a pitiful why oh why kind of way. I can remember our good times, our friendship and know that it was good and what I wanted. Now, with acceptance and my coping mechanisms in place, if I had another chance with him, would I take it? Honestly, I am torn…..the sensible side of me says no. We have already shown each other our true selves and truth does not change unless circumstances do, and on an emotional level, do circumstances ever change?  So maybe I am not as torn as I thought as even the part of me that loves him, loves us both enough to remain in my corner. And acceptance has helped put me there.

There are areas I cannot accept at this time, as my coping mechanisms are working overtime in those areas, but acceptance is patient and Lord knows, it has enough work over here to keep it busy in other areas. Acceptance is not pushy….it works on the least resistant areas first to loosen the foundation of resistance. It will even work with the coping mechanisms because Acceptance knows that at the end of the day, the truth will still be there. I tell you I hope but I don’t know why or for what….maybe for gifts like the past two days, when I can love him and even knowing  that I must move on and move forward, it’s okay. Days for when the hurt is not hot and searing, but a dull ache; knowing that someday, someone will hold me in the cold night and warm me again and it will be so much more than I imagined. Knowing that letting him go…letting US go will not be as painful as trying to hold on…but until THAT day comes….I try to stand strong,  let go slowly, cry sometimes and wonder. I hold onto my memories and pieces of him ( AND do you know I broke a hand blown glass he brought me back from Mexico? Christ, if that keeps us, all I will have ARE memories) and remember a stranger who was once my everything.

When Good Goes Bad

In life, there are the good guys and the bad guys. The good in people always shows through… their friendliness, in what they say and sometimes what they don’t say. Their deeds, actions and words show us that they are there to help, not hurt and if they can’t help, they will either lead you to someone who can or stay out of your way. Sometimes, it is easy to spot the bad guys: they may not always wear black hats, but you know. Life experiences, trusted advice from friends and family and just pure gut instincts can help us steer clear of the bad guys. Even if they come masqueraded as a good guy, their hidden agenda comes to light as a phony cannot keep up their pretense forever. Bad things happen to good people and once in a while, it can be so devastating, so bewildering, it can make a good guy a bad guy. Things beyond our control: death, horrible accidents that leave us maimed or disabled, layoffs…we do what we can as we know that sometimes, it is the luck of the draw and we somehow deal with the fallout. Maybe not as quickly as people would want us to, but like everything, it passes as time will heal all wounds. Sometimes, the bad thing that happens comes at the hands of someone we trust….someone we call a good guy. Betrayal can turn a good guy into a bad guy.

I am trying really hard people….really hard to fall out of love with him, which would pretty much solve everything,  but this fiasco…..seriously, it has to be the worst thing to happen to me sober. I do not want to beat a dead horse, but my issues are raised and I just cannot wrap my head around the fact that he lied to me, led me on, showed me his cowardice and then has to nerve to say I am the bad guy. Okay, I will take back the last statement as I KNOW I did nothing to repair the damage. His actions, his betrayal….have made me a bad guy and now I am as much to blame as he is. I  channeled my inner Mars and lashed out at him straight out the gate, without any relief or reprieve. I said cruel, malicious things that leave me speechless and have Morning Person and Girlfriend STILL feeling sorry for him. I ask myself what is it with ME that he can just do what he did, why did he choose to hurt ME?  PLEASE believe when I tell you I am not jealous of the BTH nor do I blame her in any way for any of what went down. The part of me that loves him wishes I could see something in her that would make me say I see why he chose her and I became a distant thought in his brain. To me, this chick is NOT attractive in the least….all I see is fake, phony and gold digger written all over her and again I see why all at the party thought she was an escort But with the BTH in the picture,   I have to ask what does she have I don’t? What is it with her he can just abandon me with no word or warning? Wasn’t I enough? Wasn’t I there when she wasn’t and to be real, aren’t I still here for him…only the process and the Panel stops me from reaching out. And there are no answers…..even he does not have an answer, and because there are no answers, nothing to help with my closure, nothing to help assuage my issues,  I lashed out and became a bad guy. I may not have done anything to cause his actions, but by my deliberate retaliation, I am as responsible as he is for the clean-up.

 Morning Person says I do not see anything attractive about her because she is a part of his life and I am not, but apparently Morning Person has forgotten about my sexual history and that I have NO problems admitting when a woman is attractive to me….and there are women I find downright sexy and hot. Also, I have to ask Morning Person and any others who may feel along the same lines to please stick with one theory or the other.  I really do not care which side of the fence you are on as I welcome all viewpoints to help me withthe process but stick with it. Just do not tell me where I should be or push me to do or be what you want…again, if you are tired, leave. Either you believe the woman is in the picture or not, and if your opinion or theory has changed, that’s fine as things change all the time, but if you are thinking another approach will help me with acceptance, it won’t. Acceptance will come in its own way and in its own time. I have never held any illusions about the relationship and I hold no illusions now that it is over.  I am not dumb or even optimistic…I AM more than a  pretty smile and big boobs, but I have to have something to help me through the day and to help me sleep at night. Everything is a possibility and given my penchant for worst case scenarios at this time, maybe his returning IS the worst case scenario.  I do not know if he will return, only Time and the Universe know. A part of me feels that he won’t as seriously, I cut him no slack, revealed my wrath and my issues  and showed no forgiveness (sorry I did not make your abandonment of me even easier for you) and again, there are variables in place that we have not had to deal with before, but the part of me that still loves him hopes he will, and I would love to know why I hope that. Seriously, WHY would I want him back?  No matter how deep my love, no matter how unconditional it is….the first law of nature is self-preservation and I have put myself out there with him twice. I no longer trust him, I will never see him the way I did before this fiasco happened and my walls are back up in full force. (Chef says I have built a wall that has a fence in it) To me, it is obvious I am not what he was looking for, and will he have changed if/when he returns? Will he have remorse and regret? Doubtful….so why do I still love him? If I can fall out of love with him…..I won’t need answers, will I?

What makes a good person bad? Is it constant retaliation against betrayal? Is it being unable to forgive?  Morning Person says I need to let acceptance in, and I have in some areas…but the areas I cannot understand, I cannot accept. The areas that still see him a liar and a coward. The areas where I feel that he is less than a man, that even someone who felt nothing would at least have decency and respect for a person…they accept nothing as I am still seeing it from a point of view and a level I think everyone else is on, but obviously only I and a few others are on this level.  Perhaps if I accepted his actions as being a part of him that I never knew about….would that help? If I accepted the fact that it isn’t me but him…that I was simply the one who was there when he took yet another mask off….would that help make me a good person again? Or would acceptance in these areas just raise more questions? I am not ready to meet and mingle with anyone new…hell, I wasn’t ready for him when he came on the scene…I just want to move on past him a little further. I do not mind holding onto hope as long as I keep it in perspective which I think I am…I am just tired of being the bad guy. I am breaking my self- imposed no contact rule to send him the missive below, and then I would have done all I could to make amends and give apologies. I am not looking for a response from him as this is not for him….it is for me. Somehow, it is as much a part of the process as the anger and cursing was….you have to let things out to let things in: darkness, bitterness, regret. I just don’t know when I will be ready to let something in.

Tomorrow, I will introduce you guys to Chef and tell all of Oscar’s business….time for someone else’s drama and issues for a change.

Enough time has gone by and I have grown enough via this process to know I do not hate you…your actions, yes but not you. I hold enough love for you  (I know you think I just say that, but I really do) to admit I was wrong to retaliate as often as I did and to say things I should honestly only think. I am not sure where you stand or are regarding me, but I would hope you had enough of whatever it was that drew you to me to find it in your heart to know that it was my actions and words that hurt and angered you, not me.I am not re-hashing the past…we both know what happened; I am no longer placing blame….obviously our perspectives of what happened and how it happened differ. I have offered apologies and have tried to make amends, but I say for the two of us to have what we had….the bond, the chemistry/attraction, the fun and the good times…..there is no excuse for either of us to have caused the other the hurt and pain we did. Just know that my reaction was in response to my perceptions of your actions. I do not want to NOT love you…you were my first in so many ways and in so many things and I want to be able to face you in the present, not in the past. Not the recent past which is full of hurt and pain, nor the past where we were something special to each other. I want to face you now, where we both are….I do not know about you but I have regrets, remorse and a lesson learned. Yes, I miss you so, so much….I miss US so badly it is as if a part of me has died, but I need to be treated and thought of as more than you can do and I do not know why it is so hard for you to give me the basics and bare minimum as far as friendship, courtesy and respect go. I am not sure what the future holds for either of us, or whether we will still be a part of each other’s lives (the Universe is a funny thing) …..all I know is when you can treat me with the honor, integrity, respect and friendship with which you treat the others; when you can appreciate me as a friend and as a woman who cares in all ways at all times for you….I would love to hear from you. And if that day never comes… will be okay.

Let’s Play Catch-Up

I promised to blog today, but I have nothing to say. I was supposed to go to the Island today for lunch, but circumstances beyond my control, and circumstances beyond other Members’ control interfered. Pretty much no one except Chef could make it (and he was actually waiting on us at the restaurant AFTER voice mails and emails telling him not to go), so we have re-scheduled. I am not upset….things happen, and we have decided if we have to walk there, we will all meet that day. Yes, I wanted to see him and wanted him to see me (looking fabulous, of course) but apparently Somebody, somewhere knows best. I still have some accepting to do as I am pretty much a wrong look  from him away from going ghetto on him…again, and in public this time. He is still a coward, and a liar and really….if I cannot move on from that, I am pretty much always going to be right here, right now and that is not a good thing.

My financial situation is still in shambles and the end of November is coming up fast. Mind you, I still have not paid October’s rent. I was going to ask Reliable One for assistance (I usually do, and usually I get it) but we had dinner earlier this week and I pretty much fucked that one all up. I am still processing and accepting which makes me pretty short tempered; I am back to restless nights, which makes e cranky and tired, and despite my best attempts to keep that man off my plate of food…..he STILL finds a way to put his hands all over my freaking food! Seriously, I ordered 2 appetizers (which he ate 1 ½ of)  AND ordered a trio combination plate ( shrimp, chicken fingers and ribs) just to give him the ribs as his salmon would not be enough (of course), and that man had the NERVE to grab for my fries…..and I stabbed him in his hand with my fork. When he looked at me as if I had gone crazy, I told him to try it again, he would be a lot more hurt than a couple of puncture holes in his hand. Seriously, would it KILL him to order a fucking carb as he apparently eats them anyways?? I even called Pregnant One to tell her about it (in the middle of dinner) and while I was on the phone calling him names in his face, he was eating my dessert! I mean, seriously?? And when the check came….he actually wanted to know what the hell did we eat. I told him he was eating for one and I was eating for two, and if this kept up, it would be for three.

I want to add a music player to the blog……and seem to be having technical difficulties. I have come across two great songs and one of them, in Oscar’s words, is so sad. It is called Don’t Forget Me by a group called Way Out West and it is a break up song. The woman is accepting the fact that they are over, and is walking away against her will…but she has one favor to ask of him: don’t forget me, and that is what we all want, isn’t it? You may not have loved me, you may have moved on, but please remember me. The other is a techno, jazzelicious instrumental called Coastal Brake by a group called Tycho and it makes me think of the ocean, warm breezes and waking up in a house with high ceilings and beds with fluffy white sheets and pillows. I have re-discovered Me’Shell Ndegocello’s Bitter album…..and I swear, if Fool of Me wasn’t written for me, I do not know who for. So, I would love to add a music player so you can have something to listen to while you read, but I make no promises.

I am still losing some weight as I am still not eating properly. Today, I had 2 slices of pizza and two big chocolate bars. The chocolate bars scare me as each bar had 60 grams of sugar and I had 2 of them. It is a wonder I am not voiding syrup when I use the bathroom. I am not as young as I used to be and I am trying to keep myself as healthy as possible seeing as I have no insurance to cover medical expenses. The cigarettes are not going anywhere anytime soon, so my diet is all I can control. Tomorrow, breakfast will be a plain buttered bagel and water and maybe a salad with light dressing for lunch. I am not trying to lose a lot of weight as I am a poor person, and cannot afford an entire new wardrobe… clothes have to still fit me people, and call me shallow, but I LOVE having big breasts and I want to keep them. They are heavy, but not wrinkly or sagging and I want to keep them that way. Too much weight loss could affect areas I am not trying to change,  but I can try to reduce my muffin top.

This weekend I am having date night with Girlfriend and we are both looking forward to it, and I plan to finally tackle my closet and do some laundry. I may even cook (beans with sausage, tomatoes and onions with some cornbread). It is time to shake off the lethargy; it is time to get back in the swing of things and no, I am not ready to forget him or run right out and date the first thing to come along…but I can make changes within me. This sleeping all day, laying in bed all weekend….it is not me and I miss me. I will probably blog again this weekend also….it could be about Oscar ( she has DRAMA), or introducing you guys to Chef or more about my friends on Grey’s Anatomy….I love those characters and they either take my mind off my problems or help shed light on them.

So now we are all caught up on what I have been doing and where I am; everyone have a Happy Friday and we’ll talk later this weekend.

Are We There Yet?

I am tired of this process, and really I am ready for it to be over and done with. Some days it does not feel like I have made any progress. Some days I feel stuck, and that everyone is surrounding me, demanding I do SOMETHING, but I can’t because I am more than stuck….I feel frozen in time. A statue caught in a moment, holding that same pose for what seems like forever. I have days where I realize I have done more than anyone would ever imagine….I am letting go slowly….. in bits and pieces, but if you knew what pain it causes me to NOT contact him, to NOT throw myself back out there at him, to let the days go by and NOT tell him I love him and we can work through this…..I deserve a medal. Then I have days like today….where I am aware of the acceptance that HAS seeped in, the worst case scenarios that are now pretty much a reality, the pain and hurt that comes and goes in waves, the tears that still come but not as frequently. The days when it is what it is, whatever happens, happens and I will be able to deal with it. The days, like today, when I am convinced the process is complete.

The Panel is laughing at me: Morning Person got really quiet when I told her the process was over. She finally found her voice long enough to tell me to get real. Pregnant One spit out her water and Artsy Craftsy ‘s eyes got really big while her eyebrow arched. Chef just laughed right in my ear and Cuz is ready to get with Morning Person to declare a Level 3 Meltdown. Girlfriend says no way and Oscar says while I am showing strength and growth….not yet. Quiet One is on vacation, Fellow Leo is on a sabbatical taking care of personal business and Buddy….according to Buddy, as far as I am concerned, the process has not even begun. They all agree on one thing…..tremendous progress has been made, but still….there is a long way to go and NO, we are not there yet.

I can think of him without thinking of him being with her; I can wonder if he is okay, how his day is going without me wanting to jump in and send him something to let him know he is crossing my thoughts.  I can pretty much let vengeance go by the wayside as already he is reaping what he has sown,  but the part of me that loves him wants to catch him before he falls. He is really sick, and now his knee has pretty much blown out again. The part of me that loves him remembers that this is what caused the last depression that took forever for him to get through and had me enlisting the help of Cuz and Artsy Craftsy to keep him from jumping off the roof of a building.  The part of me that still loves him wants to push him out of the path of the oncoming truck. The processed part of me knows that his plight is of his own choosing; I know that catching him, worrying about his physical and mental health is no longer my concern…whether he entrusted its care to the BTH or not, he relieved me of that duty, and the mean part of me says that he has slept with the BTH and he is sick because the woman has a bad batch downstairs and he blew his knee out trying to show off in the bedroom….and it all serves him right.

I can accept the fact that we are over, that I can no longer email him to just vent, curse him out and make him my verbal whipping boy. I can accept the role I played in this, and I am willing to apologize for it (and I have). I can accept the fact that he really may no longer like me as a person….hell, he rejected me at my best, so why not expect him to reject me at my worst? I can accept the fact that he left me in a fucked up and immature fashion. I can accept the fact that he fucked me up, fucked me over and has shown his true colors. I am just glad and grateful that I have enough of a foundation and such great friends who caught me when he thrust me into freefall. I know I will never get an answer…and no, it does not have to be what I want to hear….but the part of me that still loves him wishes he would man up and say something that will not require me to just take it as to prolong the questioning is to delay the healing; the part of me that still clings to hope wants him to just say he fucked up, he has no excuse and please forgive him.

I can even accept the fact that he really may not return this time. I say with such certainty that he will based on history, but already history has changed. There was never another woman before……a woman he took out in public and put her picture up. Whatever his reasons for doing so, they are done. History was changed when I showed him how angry I was….there was no love, no let’s work this out, no I will wait for you. I tore into him as if my tongue was a straight razor and was on the verge of physical violence. I have stopped communication this time around, and I am not reaching out with caring and concern regarding his pain and illness. This time around there are variables never present before and depths of emotion that neither of us knew the other was capable of….seriously, we go from not being able to get or stay angry to him not liking me and probably never liking me again and me hating him until my dying day? (I have grown enough to know I do not hate him, but his actions…and those I will hate for a VERY long time.)  This time around, there is hurt and devastation, there are words that cannot be retracted and actions that cannot be undone. There is no re-set button and while there may be forgiveness, there can be no forgetting. So yeah, there is a good chance that he will not return this time as sometimes, history does not repeat itself. The part of me that still loves him does not want to believe that what we had…. the intensity, the passion, the rightness of us….can end like this: in pain and curses, with us being strangers to each other.  

And the part of me that loves him? The part that wants us to crawl under each other’s skin…again, and in a good way? The part that wants him to hold me in this cold night and make the sun come out, and wants to ward the night off for him? The part of me that wants us to just wave a wand and make the last 3 months go away and pick up where we left off? THIS is the part that needs to be processed. I do not want to NOT love him, and again, no one has told me to stop loving him…..just love him without hope and expectations. I have to learn that if he does not come back to repeat the history, it really will be okay. I need to learn that while I am letting him go…..I can’t keep looking up in the sky to see where he goes. I have to learn to be single again, I have to learn to open myself to another and until I am ready to do ALL of this while holding on to the lessons already learned….then the process will be complete.

I am going to the Island Thursday for lunch with some of the Panel….Pregnant One will join us and I have presents for her and KBugg. It will be our last time seeing each other until after the holidays and for Pregnant One,  it will probably be spring before we see her again. I may see him if he is there ( he DOES work there), and I think I am ready. I do not plan to speak to him but I was asked what I would say if he spoke….and my response was snarky, snide, sarcastic and downright mean. Morning Person may not let me leave the car, as that is another thing that needs to be processed…..if he puts forth a sincere effort, I should be able to also. I need to be able to face him in the present, not the past. So, the Panel and I are strapped in, heading towards a destination as yet unknown; who or what is at the end of the process we do not know. All we know is we have each other and that I bear watching.

Meet Isobel Stevens

I am going to begin this blog with a HUGE hug and shout out to my Guardian Princess, who has once again reached out to help me in my time of need. I have known her for 6 years, and  from Day 1, we instantly hit it off. She is sweet, kind, loyal and has a heart bigger than mine. When she likes you, she likes you and when she loves you….she will not let hell, high-water or hurt feelings prevent her from doing or saying what needs to be done or said.  She shows me unconditional love and friendship no matter what and I can be an ugly, stubborn, immature kind of person at times. I love her so much and she is a grounding factor in all aspects of my life. I will not say anything else about her right now as I may be embarrassing her.

I am still processing and have discovered that I do not hate him as completely as I thought and Meredith Grey said it best…hating someone you love is the most exhausting thing of all. I do hate his actions, but in a conversation with Chef today, he mentioned that him was sick. I was pretty pissed he even mentioned the man’s name, but Chef made a good point: yes, Panel members are MY friends, but some of them have to work with/for him and he is friendly with them and no one should have to censor what they say or who they talk about with either of us: no one should have to pick around pieces of their day to make a conversation tolerable for me and they are sick of talking of me in whispers or  slamming down phones or shutting up completely when he comes into hearing range.  In any case, when I heard he was pretty sick and once again, NO ONE can be bothered to give him a cough drop or a hot tea or even a tissue to blow his nose, it touched my heart that he is so sick he actually got sent home. It hurts me that no cares enough to send him hot soup;  it hurts me that he is too dense to see that he has surrounded himself with people who just do not give a fuck BUT he had someone who cared and that did not matter to him, did it? He made his choice and this is just one of the consequences and repercussions, so while a part of me wants to send him hot soup and Dayquil and tell him to get better soon, I will not. He is a grown man who has been sick before; he has daughters and a BTH whom apparently has no interest in his health, only her perception of his wealth (there isn’t any), but that was his decision. I am not his mother, no longer his lover and at this point, we are not even friends. So he can either take care of himself or wait around on those he chooses to be with. It is no longer my problem or concern.

I told you guys I was going to blog about Izzie Stevens…..she is another character from Grey’s Anatomy, and seriously, Grey’s is the Him of my TV shows. I discovered them on a boring Thursday night and flipping through channels I came across the 2nd season premiere of this show, and I immediately got caught up in it. The characters leapt out the screen and spoke to me, and while they kind of went in a different direction with Season 4 (season of the writer’s strike), some characters have come and gone and storylines have tested my patience….I stick with them, and love them regardless.  I love each and every character and while Izzie is NOT my favorite character, Izzie connects with me, and I have to say, she is probably the character most like me, personality wise…which would explain why she irritates me so much. Her name is actually Isobel Stevens, but Izzie never meets a stranger. She will walk up to everyone and say, “Hi! I’m Isobel Stevens, but call me Izzie.” Her smile, her friendliness and her openness leave you with no option but to respond in kind unless you are Bailey. She is the one who gets too attached, too emotional and she is the one who will always be there for you.

She is beautiful, smart and unconventional….. the woman was born and raised in a trailer park, she worked her way through med school by working as a lingerie model, and she has no shame about it; as she told Alex and a roomful of his male cohorts who were hooting and cat-calling at a pictorial spread of her in a magazine, wearing little left to the imagination: Laugh now, I do not care. While you are busting your butts to pay off your student loans, my education is completely paid for and I will be the one with the big house and fancy car in 5 years while you are in your one bedroom apartments wondering why you still can’t make ends meet. She then offered to show them the real deal, uncovered since they were so excited and eager to ogle her, but no one called her bluff. Izzie  does not back down from a fight; the woman has follow through and no problem proving it. She is Queen of the Snide Remark and can break things down to its simplest form: after George (who is/was her BFF) punched Alex, Alex tried to play cool and macho with Izzie saying George hit likes his sister. Izzie’s comment: “So, in your own words, you just got beat by a girl?”  Izzie is the one who is all about the holidays and togetherness and being a family.  She is the one who roasts the turkey at Thanksgiving and decorates the house and tree at Christmas. She is the one who will bake up yummy treats for them to eat in the kitchen while sharing their day.

She feels left out by Meredith and Christina at times… as if they are over there in their own little world and she is over here, left out and all alone. She feels that being housemates with Meredith and working with Christina 18 hours a day coupled with the fact that they are the girls in their clique would give them a bond, a solidarity and it does…..except that Christina and Meredith are more alike. Izzie once said that you think living with people, working with people, talking to them every day…you think you know someone. Yet, Christina and Meredith are dark and twisty with issues and baggage that they know are unresolved and unpacked and view Izzie as a happy, shiny person….and seriously, what would happy/shiny know about dark/twisty? Izzie and George are the innocents of the group.  Izzie likes to think of herself as an open book and if she can open up to you, you can open up to her, yet Izzie has her secrets also, and the only reason we know about them is because they came back to haunt her. She had a child out of wedlock as a teenager which she gave up for adoption. The child fell ill and needed a bone marrow transplant, so the adoptive parents brought the child to the hospital to ask Izzie to save their child. Izzie’s hurt, confusion and pain all came back and while she did not hesitate to save her baby, she declined the offer to become an active part of the child’s life. She knew that they had parted ways a long time ago, and to attempt to start something up now would do nothing but raise questions and cause confusion. Izzie has a mother who makes the term “trailer trash” sound like a  good thing…..her mother drinks a little too much, has a Live Psychic Line addiction, enjoys the company of too many men at inappropriate times and lives her life through her daughter; yet her mother loves her and her pride at her daughter’s accomplishments and her awe at Izzie’s strength when Izzie was fighting cancer shone through despite her non-stop prattle of trailer park gossip.

Izzie’s love life…’s complicated does not do it justice. Really. All I can say is it began with Alex and it ended with Alex. She and Alex had an instant attraction, but it was rocky. For their first date, Alex was consumed by his utter awe of Izzie and fear of failing his boards which left him pretty much NOT the ideal date, and Izzie told him, with no problem, she really loved the part where he treated her like crap the entire time. Yet, when Alex told her he had a great time, you could tell Izzie was ready to say she had had one also, and puckered up for a serious kiss….and then Alex failed at that test also. Needless to say, she was left confused and bewildered. The two of them did hook up, only to have Alex cheat on her and Izzie was unforgiving. She felt that they were together…there was no one else in the picture for either of them, they had chemistry/attraction, and she felt that if he wanted to see another woman, just tell her. They were cool like that, but for her to walk into the on-call room and find him naked, doing George’s ex-girlfriend? NOT cool. She ignored him, she ragged him, she was mean to him….and got highly upset when the others continued their friendship with him. She told them that she was ALWAYS there for them, and the ONE TIME she needed them on her side, they weren’t. Meredith had to point out to her that no matter what happened between her and Alex, the others were friends with them both. They had given Izzie support and love, and Alex had already messed up and lost the girl he truly wanted….he did not deserve to lose his friends also. Izzie did forgive him in the episode about the bomb in the hospital. Izzie was watching all the activity surrounding the man with the bomb in his body and said that it was time for her to be a doer. So on what could conceivably be her last day on earth, Izzie did not run to a telephone to tell family and friends she loved them; she did not run upstairs to be with Meredith and Christina to assist in surgeries and be a hero or a martyr……she ran to Alex and told him: I have not had sex in 8 months and 12 days; I am horny, half-naked and saying yes. Do you want to stand there talking in metaphors or do you want to literally take off your pants? Afterwards, she and Alex had the talk, and they both admitted the roles they played….and everything seemed to be going well and balanced, until Denny Duquette.

Denny was a heart patient who was in need of a transplant. His first visit to the hospital was simply a harmless flirtation between he and Izzie, but when he returned to get the transplant…I am not sure how it happened but these two fell in love. I think Denny gave Izzie the compliments and attention that Alex could not and she fell for him. She got to spend time with him, learn all about him and she could share herself in return. The man was a patient with a weak heart so she had no far of his cheating on her, and Izzie let herself go, further than she ever intended. Christina told her she did nt know this man, she did not love him and a sane person would run the other way. Izzie told her that just because this was not a conventional relationship, did not make her love any less or diminished the possibilities of what could be. When his heart was in danger of falling through, Izzie went crazy. She cut his El-Vad wire to stop his heart (the worse his condition, the better his chance of getting the heart), prevented her friends from calling a code and put everyone in danger: Denny’s life, the hospital’s reputation and accreditation, her career and her friends’ careers. Her plan fell apart as she did this based on the assumption that Burke was en route to Seattle Grace with Denny’s heart but Burke was shot right outside the hospital by a crazed gunman. Izzie freaked out, George called in Meredith and Christina was up there only to check on Denny’s condition, and they were all caught up in it. Even Alex, who was not even IN the hospital at the time was still part and privy to this, and it was total bedlam. Bailey did damage control as best she could but no one, not Bailey, not the Chief could get anyone to admit anything. Izzie stood silent (smart move as EVERYONE knew who was behind it; anything said would have simply incriminated her further) and her friends stood with her. They were there for her and no one admitted to having any knowledge of what was going on. They all suffered consequences and punishments to protect Izzie. Denny proposed to her during the scramble to save him, Izzie said yes, and 2 days later after a successful surgery, he was dead. Izzie was a complete wreck, even quitting the program (she returned), but when it came time to separate her from Denny, it was Alex who reached for her and it was Alex she clung to.

Izzie and Alex did reconcile  (not immediately…she slept with BFF George first) but then cancer struck Izzie; even though she survived and she and Alex did get married…..the issues from before, the new baggage being sick brought with it….it eventually took its toll on Izzie and suddenly she was no longer the one who was always there. Izzie left…..the hospital, her husband, her friends. She needed time alone and to think, and she really thought that everything would go back to being normal when she returned to Alex; they had been through SO much together, surely he would understand. But he didn’t, and he told her to stay away….and so far, she has. Izzie, who brought sunshine and brightness ….who made the holidays happy…who stuck by her friends no matter what….who was a competent surgeon with a wonderful bedside manner….who believed in true love, what is meant to be will be and real friendship, is no longer a part of the show. I say I don’t miss her, but  I do. I miss her and Alex, I miss her talking with Meredith and being frenemies with Christina. I miss the bond she shared with Bailey. I miss Izzie.

Keeping Quiet

I am processing. Quietly. I am leaving the Panel alone and they are leaving me alone. We are all at a point where we need to go into our respective corners, deal with our lives, and rest up. I still hate him, but it is not the hatred that is loud and  demanding swift vengeance. It is a quiet and simmering hatred….the kind that reveals itself in the way a person chops vegetables. Everyone says that hate/hatred is such a strong word, and I simply do not like his actions against me, but no, it is hatred. This fiasco has awakened damn near every issue I have as I have ride or die issues: raise one, you have raised them all. I am the one who has to process and go through and really, I never, in my wildest worst case scenario imaginings,  thought I would be back to Square One again; not even if I had a relapse and went back out into active addiction, certainly not in recovery and definitely not over a man. Well, live and learn. So yes, I do hate him and while I am still of the belief that he WILL be dealt with (I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t give it the old college try),  I am being quiet.

Quiet allows him to stay further in the background; quiet allows me to rest and heal. Quiet will allow me to clear some clutter: if not emotionally or mentally, physically at least. The house still needs a thorough cleaning, my closet needs to be switched over as the cooler weather is here to stay and I have already started cleaning out kitchen cabinets. I had applesauce that expired in 2007, powdered Jell-O that had expired in 2006 and who knows what all else is in here that is long past its expiration date? Looks like I have even less groceries than previously thought.  I have nothing to say right now….I am being quiet. I am working on the Izzie Stevens blog post, and resting up tonight so I can tackle a lot of tasks on Saturday. I AM going to include two poems that Oscar has written; she is going through also, and I promise I am going to blog about her adventures really soon, along with introducing you guys to more Panel members, like Chef and Girlfriend. I may sneak Quiet One in here while she is not looking.

Oscar has been writing letters never sent and poems to try and make sense of what the hell her life has become and she shares them with me. I am honored, flattered and  her pain and confusion come through so clearly.  The one thing that is consistent with her writings is that she places NO BLAME….none, whatsoever and I admire her for that. When she sent me these two poems, I immediately related and  knew I would be putting them in a blog post, with her permission. God, she was so excited I think if I were a man, she would have thrown her panties at me. So, enjoy Oscar’s poems, look for Izzie  sometime this weekend and be safe, careful and relaxed this weekend. I am getting in the bed to watch Fatal Attractions…… a man has a fully grown BULL that is bigger than my apartment as an indoor pet! And I think I have problems…..

 “I Could Never Imagine.”
I could never imagine not being with you; not being able to tell you I love you and how much you’ve always meant to me. I could never imagine you staring into someone else’s eyes; sharing hopes, dreams, passions; I could never imagine it. I was always thought I was enough; when did I become not enough? I could never imagine her being where I used to be; in your house, corrupting your bed, winning over your heart. Has she won over your heart? I could never imagine that.

“I Like to Call us Nothing.”
I tried to make something out of nothing. How do you make something out of nothing? Everything is something; even if it’s nothing, it’s something. You’re a flawless display of nothing, the only exception. I tried to make something out of nothing. How do you make something out of nothing? I believe in the unknown, the unrealistic, even the unbelievable.We’re a flawless display of something, I like to call us nothing.

An Answer To A Question

First, I want to start this blog off by thanking you, my readers. This blog has been in operation for 68 days today, and I have had well over 1,900 views/reads…..that averages to 29 readers/viewers a day!! I thank you all: Panel members, Independent Consultants, Outside Observers and just Cyberspace World for hanging in there with me, and hopefully someone knows that they are not alone out there. I am sure you guys know more than you ever wanted to, and it seems to be a horrible circle at times, but you do not let that deter you from checking in on me and letting me know that I am entertaining, if nothing else. Again, thank you…and the process continues.

Secondly,  I am exhausted and a basket case. I know I said I was going to blog about Izzie Stevens and there would be no talk of the process or of him, but I talked with Morning Person today….and before I say another word, I MUST give Morning Person, Artsy Craftsy and Pregnant One a standing ovation: *applause, applause, applause*. I have been going completely crazy the past three days: crying, yelling and cursing… them. They try to talk sense into me, but I am as a deaf as a snake right now, so they let me vent and rant and they understand. I poke holes and find loopholes in all they say and they are being patient. In any case, in talking to Morning Person, she first said she did not know I loved him so deeply and why couldn’t I shut the door on him and open the door on acceptance?

I WANT to shut the door on him….I really do. However, I am a hurt, wounded victim right now. No, I will not remain a victim but right now I am and this fiasco has awakened my issues and  my issues run so deep, I don’t know even want to know where they end. Suffice it to say if I started weekly therapy  right now, I would be in the afterlife on a shrink’s couch before we sorted them all out. When someone has been hurt, violated or betrayed in any way… are first in shock. You are wanting to know what happened and you withdraw to examine how badly you were hurt, and you wonder should action be taken. Then, when you realize that hell yeah, I am freaking WOUNDED here, and something needs to be done about it… are not looking to God for answers, or at least I’m not. Your first instinct is to demand some type of retribution, compensation…something to even the score and make this right. Hell, even when I was on drugs, after the rapes and beatings, I would look at these guys and tell them they owed me $20 and I was not joking with them. I never got it of course, and I would throw bricks at the car windows or made the next man pay for their crimes. Either way, I got some type of satisfaction and retribution from the violation. And that is where I am……I want to avenge myself against him. No one else will do it for me…..and yes, I know about Karma and the Universe, but they take too long and I have NEVER been known for my patience. I am no longer on drugs or drinking alcohol so I have nothing to soothe my pain (spare me the feel to heal speech please. If that were the case, I should be the healthiest person on the planet) and no one to vent the full extent of my anger and hurt on.

I do not want to hate him, nor do I want to hurt him; hell, I still love him as if none of this ever happened, but he brought it on himself. For every action, there is a reaction and all of us must pay the piper. I want to be forgiving and mature and all the good stuff I say I should be in my blogs (yes, I read my own blogs. I need to see in print what I know I should be doing and what I cannot verbalize) but like I wrote in the letter never sent: whichever emotion I view this from, I come back to his lies and his treatment of me. I think of the man who I sent hot soup, grilled cheese sandwiches and orange juice to when he AND his daughter were sicker than dogs and no one cared enough to even give them a cough drop. I think of the man who laid across my bed and cried because he said he felt that no one cared about him or understood him and clung to me like a child when I told him I did and I do; I think of the man who looked me in my eyes and said that he wanted me, wanted to try again with me and would honestly put forth an effort. I think of the times I had to encourage him, the times I was his own personal cheerleader, the times I was ALL HE HAD…..and THIS is how he treats me? Seriously? I am supposed to look at all this and so much more and say…..I forgive you? Not today, and tomorrow ain’t looking too good either.

Morning Person asked why am I so sure he will return (she knows he will as she is the one who  has always said there is no BTH, no relationship and he has not moved one inch since this all went down; but she is either playing Devil’s Advocate or thinks a new approach will assist the process) but I know he will. It is not wishful thinking….at the very least he will view me as a booty call and there is unfinished business on both sides. On his, he only broke off communication with me because I went all Power Ranger Psycho Bitch on him; it took a full week for me to realize what he had done and was actually doing, and for that week (Artsy Craftsy, Chef and Quiet One are witnesses) we talked as if nothing had happened. We still flirted, bantered and told each other about our day. We were still us, and he was more than content to either play me along or play with me. And he will want to play again…..I am the one who knows the things no one else does, I am the one who will do the things no one else will. I am the only one who will give the great heights that allow him to laugh, joke and practically skip around the office. If only for one last fling, this man will find some courage from somewhere to return.  On my end… you have to ask what my unfinished business is? And truthfully, this  really is ALL speculation: will he return or won’t he return? Who knows, and if I take the road that he won’t return, why NOT close the book once and for all AFTER I extract my revenge? Why wait any longer because the way I see it now, he is going to suffer consequences, and as my grandmother used to say before giving a spanking: the longer I have to wait, the worse it is going to be.

I am not the type to let go easily…..I hold onto the good and the bad (and here is another reason to just kick his ass…..he has even tainted the good memories I hold) with everything. I can hold a grudge longer than I will live, and smile 5 years later remembering the touch of a lover. I do not want to be caught unawares or unprepared, and I will compartmentalize and put things away when I feel there is no need to have it front and center anymore; mind you, it has not gone anywhere…it is simply no longer front and center. The Married Man…we have been done and over with for 3 years now, but he does my taxes and a couple of Panel members’ taxes also so once a year, we have contact. We are not bitter enemies, and I can handle a conversation or two with him….but he always, always without fail thinks that we can pick up romantically where we left off…all because I forgave him his actions and stupidity. He thinks he can just come in my building and will actually try my door to see if it is locked…no knocking , just rattling my knob, and that rattles my chain. So I have to go digging back in what I put away concerning his ass, and pull it out, front and center and remind both of us why we are no longer together. With Him, I have to hold onto all of this front and center….for a little while longer at least because he will be back and I need to be able to pull out the reasons why we are no longer together as he will think hitting a reset button  or jumping through a hoop or two will make everything okay.

It gets complicated here, because by allowing forgiveness and acceptance in where this guy is concerned will allow me to forgive his role in this, but I will not forget the actions, the hurt and the betrayal…..and if he does not return, someone else will pay. It is really fucked up because I will do to another what he did to me all because I was denied closure and vindication. Forgiveness will not allow me to feel vindicated or even to move past, because I will never forget. Forgiveness allows him to do what he did and let him think it’s okay and that WILL bring him back as he will feel that he can waltz in, do what he wants with me and fuck me over again because I love him so much, I would never hurt him. I want him to know it is NOT OKAY, and he will listen, but not comprehend as I forgave him not once, but twice. It is not enough for me to hear that he suffered the same fate or to know that the Universe will right the wrongs….I want my rock star YES moment, I want to be able to gloat and do a Snoopy dance. I want him to know that all the hurt and pain he is going through is because of what he did to me, and unless I inflict it, he won’t.

 When I first entered recovery, I had TONS of stored up anger and rage against others…faceless, nameless men and even myself…..and it had to be released. I had 3 separate incidents that Morning Person reminded me of, and pretty much I lashed out with unnecessary force and once with a weapon in public……I suffered consequences but they were worth it as I did not feel free of those particular demons and burdens until someone paid the price….and thanks to ALL Higher Powers that Morning Person was there to take the knife out of my hand. I can say today, these women were pretty much innocent bystanders…their trespasses against me were trivial compared to what I had suffered through and was releasing….but all it took was one wrong word, one immature action, and they were the face of pain. I am fucked up and for all the dirt I have done, I firmly believe in justice and I if I am prepared to accept consequences for my actions, if I and everyone else on this planet have to account for their actions…..he will also. He is not special or exempt and has no right to visit the sins of another on me. No, I am not God or God’s Wife or the Right Hand of God…..but I am not a pushover and I will get the vindication I need and deserve, whether he returns or not. And this just hit me…..he and I  have another issue in common: if we cannot make the person who wronged us suffer, we will take it on the next one. I know all I need to know to find him and I am tired of taking this out on myself and my Panel (we are going through enough) nor do I want to hurt an innocent bystander.

So to answer the question why can’t I shut the door on him and move on?  Let me state right here that it is not directed at Morning Person as I KNOW that she is not the only one to ask herself this question; she is just the only one who had the courage to speak up and ask me. Help me to work through this issue that is so deep it is a facet of my personality; help me to see that forgiving him will not leave me and someone I have not even met yet vulnerable to my issues and anger; show me where taking the higher road will truly be the best thing as I have YEARS of working around the issues and baggage; tell me HOW to get my rock star moment, my vindication without having to wait on Karma or resorting to plotting and planning….and I will happily shut the door.

Okay, I have blogged more than I wanted to on a topic I did not even want to…I do not know if it even makes sense to anyone but me, but this is the best I can explain my stance on this topic. Sorry if it is still confusing, but some days the process does not make sense…..all I can do is put it out there and hope someone can relate and help. Tomorrow , the Panel and I are taking a break…from blogging and each other. We have been going through this since Sunday and I am stuck and they are tired and we are going to rest. Friday, we will talk about Izzie unless another issue raises its damned head.