I am feeling like a rock star today. He has stayed in the background and I have had a really good two days. I have finally shaken off the lethargy long enough to clean my house…..seriously, I was two weeks away from being shut down by the Board of Health but today…my bathroom is white and sparkly and my kitchen has clean dishes and both floors are clean again. My closet is completely turned over: clothes, shoes and purses are now ready for the colder weather AND the laundry is washed, dried and folded. I dusted, I vacuumed and I put fresh linen on my bed. I even cooked dinner, people. I love having good days amid the process….I feel pretty much myself again and I wish the process was over so I can continue to feel this way. However, it is not over, I am on the see-saw as Artistic One likes to call it, and I know that acceptance is working its way in; I just don’t know where it will lodge this time.
I am going to talk a little bit about acceptance as it seems to be the key to getting through and while it will not speed up the process, it may make it less painful. It will help tame my issues and it is Morning Person’s favorite word. I am going to insert a disclaimer here that this is my opinion and experience….no one else’s, so it may be biased, flawed or not make any sense to anyone but me. Oh, I HAVE to put this in here as I simply cannot stand it when people use “except” as “accept”. Two different words people, with two different meanings. Acceptance: the act of taking or receiving something offered; the act of assenting or believing. Except: with the exclusion of; excluding; save; but. And just so you know, there is no such word as “exceptance”….it is “exception”.
Acceptance is the bridge we cross to get to the next step; whether you admit it or not, in order to get to the next level in any process, a part of you has accepted a cold, hard truth. Acceptance is hard to take as no one wants to face the truth….yes, we say we want to hear it and why can’t people tell us the truth and if we had know the truth beforehand, we could have made our decisions instead of it having been made for us. But, if you knew the truth of how things would end up, would you still do it? Seriously, if I had known that day in July what would happen less than 6 weeks later, would I have gone with him, would I have listened and believed or would I have said: thanks, but no thanks and kept the friendship? Of course I want you to think I am a smart cookie and would not put myself in harm’s way, but honestly, I still would have done it as I love him and the chance to be with him one more time, even though it could possibly be the last time? I would be so there for that one moment in time. I once went to a women’s spiritual retreat and me and about 10 other recovering women were asked the question if we could live our lives over, what would we change? Over half including myself said we would not change a thing…..acceptance allowed us to realize that every incident led us to that particular moment in time. Acceptance helped us realize that yes, we made bad choices but sometimes, you have to go through what you need to go through to become who you are supposed to be. Some said that they would be better mothers and sisters and daughters….but if they had not had suffered what they did, what yardstick would they measure better against? And in recovery, being given a second chance….weren’t they already being better? Getting the help they need, sticking with a program, making different choices….isn’t that being a better person all around?
So yes, no one wants to deal with acceptance because acceptance is hard. Who wants to face the fact that they have been rejected? Who wants to face that what they thought was a second chance has pretty much blown up in her face and that they helped make sure that no chance for anything with a person they call their soulmate would be forthcoming? Who wants to face that the one person they trusted and loved with their everything is a liar, a coward and an asshole and brings out the worst in her when he fucks up? Yes, I have let acceptance in some areas: I know we are over and that the last time was the last time, I know I played a significant role in our demise and I know vengeance will never be a part of my plan in moving forward…damnit! Yet, I hold onto hope….why or for what I do not know. Perhaps for the same reason I am still in love with him…..because once…once we were something special together and to each other. Once, he cared and wanted me and we made each other so happy. Once we had friendship, fire and magic. Acceptance will allow me to hold onto that but reminds me that that is what we were…what we are now are strangers, and there is a really good chance we will remain so. I do not want to accept that, so I use my coping mechanisms to delay the truth or at least allow it to seep in a little at a time….if we had to face the truth of our personal devastations full force and face on…..who knows what would happen to us. The entire world would probably be filled with Psycho Bitches Gone Postal.
Earlier I told you he was staying in the background and I was on a see-saw; when he does come to the forefront (well, these past two days anyway), it almost feels right and good to love him and I can almost forget why we are no longer together; I can almost forget that this is the man who has caused so much pain and I wonder what happened to us and not in a pitiful why oh why kind of way. I can remember our good times, our friendship and know that it was good and what I wanted. Now, with acceptance and my coping mechanisms in place, if I had another chance with him, would I take it? Honestly, I am torn…..the sensible side of me says no. We have already shown each other our true selves and truth does not change unless circumstances do, and on an emotional level, do circumstances ever change? So maybe I am not as torn as I thought as even the part of me that loves him, loves us both enough to remain in my corner. And acceptance has helped put me there.
There are areas I cannot accept at this time, as my coping mechanisms are working overtime in those areas, but acceptance is patient and Lord knows, it has enough work over here to keep it busy in other areas. Acceptance is not pushy….it works on the least resistant areas first to loosen the foundation of resistance. It will even work with the coping mechanisms because Acceptance knows that at the end of the day, the truth will still be there. I tell you I hope but I don’t know why or for what….maybe for gifts like the past two days, when I can love him and even knowing that I must move on and move forward, it’s okay. Days for when the hurt is not hot and searing, but a dull ache; knowing that someday, someone will hold me in the cold night and warm me again and it will be so much more than I imagined. Knowing that letting him go…letting US go will not be as painful as trying to hold on…but until THAT day comes….I try to stand strong, let go slowly, cry sometimes and wonder. I hold onto my memories and pieces of him ( AND do you know I broke a hand blown glass he brought me back from Mexico? Christ, if that keeps us, all I will have ARE memories) and remember a stranger who was once my everything.