Random Meanderings

Happy (Black)  Friday, people. I hope everyone had a wonderful, relaxing Thanksgiving holiday and your bellies are still full. Mine was good….I slept, I ate ( and got so full!)  and I watched The Godfather, Part II for the first time ever. I missed The Godfather as I woke up too late, but at least one  movie is scratched off of my Movies Never Seen list. And a young Al Pacino was HOT!! Seriously, I never knew the man was THAT good looking! I talked to Chef, Oscar and Cuz and some family members and I also caught a Deadly Women marathon….I LOVE that show. It is SO educational.  (Insert evil laugh here)

I do not think I told you about the dinner I had with Reliable One last week where he THOUGHT he was giving me compliments but it all came out wrong. Really wrong. The man said I was sexy as hell with my thick arms and chicken legs, and I was ALMOST beautiful. Seriously? First, you say I am the Michelin Man on stilts, THEN you basically say I am ugly. I am sorry, but there are just some things in life that are or aren’t….and beautiful is one of them. I just looked at him as I really need him to be my financial plan for a minute, so I cannot go around stabbing him with forks or going ghetto on him right now, but I did ask him was I supposed to be flattered by that statement and seriously, WHAT do you see when you look at me? I realize I am a larger woman (I say I am luscious; my sister says I need a fitness plan. I say as long as my clothes fit nicely, I have a fitness plan) but his statement really had me questioning not only myself but the quality and character of men I meet. Reliable One swears he meant it in a good way as he considers me his dream girl. Whatever…..all I know is I am really tired of excusing and justifying the words and actions of older white men due to their lack of experience. Even if you have NEVER been intimate with a woman, you should still know how to speak to and treat people. Call me crazy but that is the way I see things.

I am still processing and right now I am quiet. Not as quiet as Morning Person (I am so going to find out what is going on over there) but keeping to myself and working on other areas of my life that need tending to while I figure out which way to go OR prepare myself for the path the process will lead me upon. I am still struggling with forgiveness where HE is concerned…..like beauty and pregnancy, it is one of the things in life that is all or nothing, so how can I love him but not forgive him or only forgive him pieces of this fiasco? Really, if I can still feel the love I do, the empathy/sympathy I do for him…forgiving him should be the easiest thing in the world, but then I come up against the irrefutable facts.  I am dealing with memories, mixed signals and no closure, and the no closure part makes it really difficult to move on past these irrefutable facts which makes forgiveness kind of hard and unless one can move on completely and NOT in anger, a part of you will always be stuck. (That sounds so simple and logical, but it took me awhile to catch onto THAT tidbit of knowledge) What he offered me in terms of an explanation/closure, McGyver could not do anything with, so I know I am stuck with the shit end of the stick here. I just have to work it through as best I can and as objectively as possible….tossing it into one extreme or the other does no good because neither extreme is the complete truth…I have to find that gray area where we seem to live and he hides the other half of the truth.

I told you all in an earlier post that Married Man called me….totally random and out of the blue. I THOUGHT he was calling to see if he still had tax clients this year (I introduced him to 5 clients when we were together) but he said he had been having dreams about me. We chit-chatted for a minute or two, then he breaks out with he will come by this weekend and spend some time with me, and how he really is going to leave his wife this time. I told him to hold the phone there, Sparky. First, I do not recall mentioning being lonely or in need of company this weekend or at any other time. Secondly, we broke up over the exact same lie he is still letting fall from his lips. I NEVER asked the man to leave his wife…for what?? The man has no money and nowhere to go if he leaves his wife’s house (yes, it is HER house) and no, he cannot come here to live. The man is a serial cheater, a liar and  I call Him a coward?? He took lessons from Married Man…and in spite of all that, if he had NEVER talked about leaving his wife, we would still be together. See, I am the type I do not ask for much because I do not require much, but once you put something out there of your OWN volition and free will, I AM the bitch that will pick it up and expect you to follow through on it…..and Married Man has no follow through. Excuses, yes…follow through, no. The thing that gets me with Married Man is he really thinks we can just pick up where we left off, that I still want to be intimate with him. News flash:  I don’t and have not wanted him in over 3 years; it actually started before we officially broke up, but I was trying to break it to him gently.

Pantyhose Dude and I have an appointment late next week…..he called to see how I was doing and to apologize for standing me up. He offered no excuses or reasons….he said he had no excuse and if I could find it in me to accept his apology and give him another chance, he would NOT make the same mistake twice. What can you say to that? It was mature, smart and sincere. I agreed to meet with him, but there will be no going further. He had his chance with that and now I am more of an emotional mess than I was before and really….I have nothing to offer any man at this time. I can however parade around in  hose and listen to him talk about his latest acupuncture session. So this is what is going on with me and where I am . I will blog later this weekend and hope everyone enjoys their Friday.

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