What’s going on? Nothing is what’s going on. We are boring people today. In fact, the Panel and I have been boring for a minute. To be fair, it is the holiday season and that means compressed work weeks which equals less days to do more work; we are all going through something and are kind of in our own little worlds right now…even Oscar has calmed down enough to at least take a deep breath. We will catch up with the Panel in a few, after I introduce you all to Chef.
I have no idea where to begin with Chef. He is simply a great friend: he will listen to you, offer advice and insight, loan you money (not a lot, though) and not press you for repayment and if you are depressed, he will tease you and joke with you until you are smiling or laughing. I cannot count the times since this fiasco he has stopped my tears from falling. Chef works on the Island (he has been there for over 20 years) and is pretty much the office bitch. He DOES have an official title, but he does everything BUT that.; however, you will never hear him complain and he has the work ethic of a robot. The man only takes one day off a year (New Year’s Eve) and even when his fiancée was ill, he only took half days two days a week and when she passed, he took MAYBE 3 days. We call him Chef because since his fiancée passed, he started culinary school to not only learn a new skill, but to fill the empty spaces. The dishes he prepares in class sound yummy, but we do not know if the man can cook or not as he never brings home leftover goodies to share with us. I am probably the only one to know this side of him, but he is very much into shock value, especially on a sexual level (think videos and pictures) but I am too quick for him and usually end up showing him a trick or two. He says Quiet One is his wife, Pregnant One USED to be his fantasy girl but she has been replaced with Girlfriend and I am his naughty girl. Chef knows my history (all of it) and still sees me as a lady. A classy lady and will berate and correct me when I use foul language. While Chef is quite angry at Him for his treatment of me, he does want to see us reconcile and for Him to make amends and the necessary changes. According to Chef, he has never seen Him as happy and balanced as he was when we were together and any man who can get me to stop the Craigslist experiment and be faithful (even during a breakup) cannot be all bad. He says Him and I are not soul mates, but cell mates as he has never seen/heard/read such intensity and passion between two people and our arguments have him grabbing popcorn and a front row seat. Chef knows what it is like first hand to not fully appreciate someone until they are gone, and he feels that two people with such chemistry, magnetism and attraction who still have a chance to get it right need to get it right. Chef is not pressuring me to move on or fall out of love….when it is time, it will happen. It has been almost two years since his fiancée passed and Chef is comfortable with his memories and mementos of his one great love. When it is time for him to move on and open his heart, he will but he hopes that other women are not as crazy as I am. Chef is the one encouraging me to reach out and see if anything can be salvaged from the wreckage and Chef is the one who has not wavered in his belief that He will return and I need to lay down my sword and hear him out. All I can say is…we’ll see. And now…on to the Panel:
Me: Hmmm…first, I seem to have inadvertently eaten some cauliflower earlier this week (which I am allergic to) and I am now broken out in angry red bumps all over my forehead and cheeks. They itch something awful and when I scratch them, they burn. So my face is slathered in Neosporin, which makes me smell like an old person. I have spoken with the Policeman and I guess we have made up. He apologized and said he missed his friend, and I listened. I may not have said anything but at least I picked up the phone this time around. I am still processing, and I am still struggling with ambivalence. I hate to be so ambivalent as I feel like an indecisive fool and pretty much crazy to go back and forth so often and so quickly, but I go where the process takes me and today, it is taking me to a place that says he does not appreciate my love for him; hell, no one has ever asked him to return it….just recognize, receive and appreciate. The process is taking me to a place that says he does not know how to treat me as a person and a lover ( I believe I WAS those two things to him) and until he can treat me as a person and not an object here for his pleasure and pay for pussy he DOES get the way he pays for pussy he DOESN’T get (Chef would so fuss me out for putting it so bluntly)…..we have nothing to say to each other. I truly do not like myself right now for my ambivalence; for all my big talk I am still loving him, I hate having to treat him this way, I am still weak enough to care when I hear things and I still want to save him from the inevitable fall (if he has not already spiraled into it) he is headed for when he threw me into a freefall with no thought, no guilt and no remorse……but always, when it comes to him, I use my powers for good and not evil unless he provokes me to do otherwise.
Morning Person: She has been quiet lately….very quiet. She has not called to check on me (she is probably enjoying the break) and maybe, just maybe, the rest of us have driven her right over the edge. She has family obligations, work and a host of other things (Me, Oscar and Cuz come to mind first) that may have made her say Fuck It and just jump into the pool of craziness she is surrounded by. However, if Morning Person goes crazy, it will mean a man, chocolate ice cream and staying up past 9:00pm, and a part of me, while worried about her, is almost hoping she has embraced all three. However, she will not say anything as she as secretive as a cat and sometimes just as aloof, but when I am ready to mind someone else’s business again, I will press her as to what she has been up to.
Artsy Craftsy: I think Quiet One and Pregnant One have kidnapped her. Seriously. She has been so busy lately with work, remodeling her house, preparing for the holidays AND she is trying to finish making her Thanksgiving artsy craftsy stuff. So she has pretty much been incognito. She tells me to just let time do its work on my situation and to not stir the pot……whatever will happen, will happen sooner or later and a watched pot never boils. She wants me to heal, and concentrate on the other areas of my life that while not falling apart, could definitely use some shoring up and the woman makes sense.
Pregnant One: The woman has had 10 million baby showers and has enough baby things to fill a storage facility. She is busy sorting gifts, writing thank you cards and trying to figure out who will have the best spread for Thanksgiving. Her back hurts, her belly is stretching and her feet are swelling so she has become the Mistress of Multi-Tasking While Sitting Down. She is helping me stand strong and not cave in to my softer feelings for him and she has a friend who has her own drama…pretty similar to my fiasco except girlfriend is married to her guy, which brings so many other variables into play. Pregnant One is glad others have drama….less for her and it takes her mind off of the fact that a due date is rapidly approaching.
Chef: He is forgetting his problems (the holidays put him in a funk now) by getting all involved in mine. He is now likening my situation to last week’s Redskins/Eagles game. I call it The Night Philly Came to Town and the paper even said the Redskins were “Vick-timized”. In any case, according to Chef, yes it was embarrassing and humiliating, but it does not have to be the end of the season…a comeback is still possible and in the grand scheme of things, all it is is a loss. One loss and the Skins have snagged a playoff spot with a worse record. I just listen to him because in my opinion, yes it is just one loss, but it is the loss everyone will remember. Hell, that score/loss will knock the fact that we have lost to the Detroit Lions two years in a row out of the box.
Quiet One: She is finally back from vacation and is busy unpacking, trying to get caught up at work and prepare for Thanksgiving. She asked me one question: have you talked to or heard from him? When I told her I was standing strong and he was being stubborn, she said: Okay. Bye. I cannot help but to love her.
Girlfriend: She is preparing for her annual family vay-cay and enjoying being single. She is still waiting for her rock star YES moment and has another ex-boyfriend who is wanting to come back…yet, not only is he still carrying baggage….he still has a current girlfriend. And dude wonders where she is coming from when she says she can never trust him again.
Cuz: He is in a funk but not a deep one. He has good days and bad days but at least he can speak in a calm tone of voice and not threaten physical violence. He is trying to detox his one great love out of his system as he says he is not carrying her into 2011. I hope he can do so ….we both the same promise at the end of 2009 and look where we are now.
Buddy: Buddy is doing pretty good….he got fired from his job but qualifies for unemployment, he can freely admit he is in a relationship with Psycho-Stalker Chick and he saw Forrest Gump for the first time the other night. He has asked me to be his Jenny, which would be sweet if Jenny weren’t such a whore who died at the end of the movie.
Oscar: Still crazy. She loved the blog post about her and told me she did not realize she had been riding such a roller coaster until she saw it in print. She is going to slow down and see if there is a future with Mr. Minor. I am charging my phone, leaving my inbox open and waiting on stand-by.
So this is all from the Panel…I have some Independent Consultants who are doing their own thing: Artistic One has started her new adventure…..she moved to another state this weekend with her boyfriend. She BETTER call and write..often. I have another IC I will call The Greek….he is half crazy (do I know any other type of people?), extremely political and sick as hell. He wants me to come over and make him some soup, which I would do in a heartbeat except the man is only accessible by car, which I do not have one. Maybe I will see if there is a deli or carryout in his area that will deliver it to him.
Well, I am done for the night….I spent the weekend cleaning (YAY, me!) and typing/writing. Today I worked my butt off, and received phone calls from Married Man AND Pantyhose Dude….whatever to both although Pantyhose Dude have made a tentative date for next week. More than likely I will blog again on Wednesday and have no idea what I will talk about….maybe Thanksgiving. Guess we will all find out together, huh? Have a good one and talk soon, people.