In life, there are the good guys and the bad guys. The good in people always shows through…..in their friendliness, in what they say and sometimes what they don’t say. Their deeds, actions and words show us that they are there to help, not hurt and if they can’t help, they will either lead you to someone who can or stay out of your way. Sometimes, it is easy to spot the bad guys: they may not always wear black hats, but you know. Life experiences, trusted advice from friends and family and just pure gut instincts can help us steer clear of the bad guys. Even if they come masqueraded as a good guy, their hidden agenda comes to light as a phony cannot keep up their pretense forever. Bad things happen to good people and once in a while, it can be so devastating, so bewildering, it can make a good guy a bad guy. Things beyond our control: death, horrible accidents that leave us maimed or disabled, layoffs…we do what we can as we know that sometimes, it is the luck of the draw and we somehow deal with the fallout. Maybe not as quickly as people would want us to, but like everything, it passes as time will heal all wounds. Sometimes, the bad thing that happens comes at the hands of someone we trust….someone we call a good guy. Betrayal can turn a good guy into a bad guy.
I am trying really hard people….really hard to fall out of love with him, which would pretty much solve everything, but this fiasco…..seriously, it has to be the worst thing to happen to me sober. I do not want to beat a dead horse, but my issues are raised and I just cannot wrap my head around the fact that he lied to me, led me on, showed me his cowardice and then has to nerve to say I am the bad guy. Okay, I will take back the last statement as I KNOW I did nothing to repair the damage. His actions, his betrayal….have made me a bad guy and now I am as much to blame as he is. I channeled my inner Mars and lashed out at him straight out the gate, without any relief or reprieve. I said cruel, malicious things that leave me speechless and have Morning Person and Girlfriend STILL feeling sorry for him. I ask myself what is it with ME that he can just do what he did, why did he choose to hurt ME? PLEASE believe when I tell you I am not jealous of the BTH nor do I blame her in any way for any of what went down. The part of me that loves him wishes I could see something in her that would make me say I see why he chose her and I became a distant thought in his brain. To me, this chick is NOT attractive in the least….all I see is fake, phony and gold digger written all over her and again I see why all at the party thought she was an escort But with the BTH in the picture, I have to ask what does she have I don’t? What is it with her he can just abandon me with no word or warning? Wasn’t I enough? Wasn’t I there when she wasn’t and to be real, aren’t I still here for him…only the process and the Panel stops me from reaching out. And there are no answers…..even he does not have an answer, and because there are no answers, nothing to help with my closure, nothing to help assuage my issues, I lashed out and became a bad guy. I may not have done anything to cause his actions, but by my deliberate retaliation, I am as responsible as he is for the clean-up.
Morning Person says I do not see anything attractive about her because she is a part of his life and I am not, but apparently Morning Person has forgotten about my sexual history and that I have NO problems admitting when a woman is attractive to me….and there are women I find downright sexy and hot. Also, I have to ask Morning Person and any others who may feel along the same lines to please stick with one theory or the other. I really do not care which side of the fence you are on as I welcome all viewpoints to help me withthe process but stick with it. Just do not tell me where I should be or push me to do or be what you want…again, if you are tired, leave. Either you believe the woman is in the picture or not, and if your opinion or theory has changed, that’s fine as things change all the time, but if you are thinking another approach will help me with acceptance, it won’t. Acceptance will come in its own way and in its own time. I have never held any illusions about the relationship and I hold no illusions now that it is over. I am not dumb or even optimistic…I AM more than a pretty smile and big boobs, but I have to have something to help me through the day and to help me sleep at night. Everything is a possibility and given my penchant for worst case scenarios at this time, maybe his returning IS the worst case scenario. I do not know if he will return, only Time and the Universe know. A part of me feels that he won’t as seriously, I cut him no slack, revealed my wrath and my issues and showed no forgiveness (sorry I did not make your abandonment of me even easier for you) and again, there are variables in place that we have not had to deal with before, but the part of me that still loves him hopes he will, and I would love to know why I hope that. Seriously, WHY would I want him back? No matter how deep my love, no matter how unconditional it is….the first law of nature is self-preservation and I have put myself out there with him twice. I no longer trust him, I will never see him the way I did before this fiasco happened and my walls are back up in full force. (Chef says I have built a wall that has a fence in it) To me, it is obvious I am not what he was looking for, and will he have changed if/when he returns? Will he have remorse and regret? Doubtful….so why do I still love him? If I can fall out of love with him…..I won’t need answers, will I?
What makes a good person bad? Is it constant retaliation against betrayal? Is it being unable to forgive? Morning Person says I need to let acceptance in, and I have in some areas…but the areas I cannot understand, I cannot accept. The areas that still see him a liar and a coward. The areas where I feel that he is less than a man, that even someone who felt nothing would at least have decency and respect for a person…they accept nothing as I am still seeing it from a point of view and a level I think everyone else is on, but obviously only I and a few others are on this level. Perhaps if I accepted his actions as being a part of him that I never knew about….would that help? If I accepted the fact that it isn’t me but him…that I was simply the one who was there when he took yet another mask off….would that help make me a good person again? Or would acceptance in these areas just raise more questions? I am not ready to meet and mingle with anyone new…hell, I wasn’t ready for him when he came on the scene…I just want to move on past him a little further. I do not mind holding onto hope as long as I keep it in perspective which I think I am…I am just tired of being the bad guy. I am breaking my self- imposed no contact rule to send him the missive below, and then I would have done all I could to make amends and give apologies. I am not looking for a response from him as this is not for him….it is for me. Somehow, it is as much a part of the process as the anger and cursing was….you have to let things out to let things in: darkness, bitterness, regret. I just don’t know when I will be ready to let something in.
Tomorrow, I will introduce you guys to Chef and tell all of Oscar’s business….time for someone else’s drama and issues for a change.
Enough time has gone by and I have grown enough via this process to know I do not hate you…your actions, yes but not you. I hold enough love for you (I know you think I just say that, but I really do) to admit I was wrong to retaliate as often as I did and to say things I should honestly only think. I am not sure where you stand or are regarding me, but I would hope you had enough of whatever it was that drew you to me to find it in your heart to know that it was my actions and words that hurt and angered you, not me.I am not re-hashing the past…we both know what happened; I am no longer placing blame….obviously our perspectives of what happened and how it happened differ. I have offered apologies and have tried to make amends, but I say for the two of us to have what we had….the bond, the chemistry/attraction, the fun and the good times…..there is no excuse for either of us to have caused the other the hurt and pain we did. Just know that my reaction was in response to my perceptions of your actions. I do not want to NOT love you…you were my first in so many ways and in so many things and I want to be able to face you in the present, not in the past. Not the recent past which is full of hurt and pain, nor the past where we were something special to each other. I want to face you now, where we both are….I do not know about you but I have regrets, remorse and a lesson learned. Yes, I miss you so, so much….I miss US so badly it is as if a part of me has died, but I need to be treated and thought of as more than you can do and I do not know why it is so hard for you to give me the basics and bare minimum as far as friendship, courtesy and respect go. I am not sure what the future holds for either of us, or whether we will still be a part of each other’s lives (the Universe is a funny thing) …..all I know is when you can treat me with the honor, integrity, respect and friendship with which you treat the others; when you can appreciate me as a friend and as a woman who cares in all ways at all times for you….I would love to hear from you. And if that day never comes…..it will be okay.