I am processing. Quietly. I am leaving the Panel alone and they are leaving me alone. We are all at a point where we need to go into our respective corners, deal with our lives, and rest up. I still hate him, but it is not the hatred that is loud and demanding swift vengeance. It is a quiet and simmering hatred….the kind that reveals itself in the way a person chops vegetables. Everyone says that hate/hatred is such a strong word, and I simply do not like his actions against me, but no, it is hatred. This fiasco has awakened damn near every issue I have as I have ride or die issues: raise one, you have raised them all. I am the one who has to process and go through and really, I never, in my wildest worst case scenario imaginings, thought I would be back to Square One again; not even if I had a relapse and went back out into active addiction, certainly not in recovery and definitely not over a man. Well, live and learn. So yes, I do hate him and while I am still of the belief that he WILL be dealt with (I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t give it the old college try), I am being quiet.
Quiet allows him to stay further in the background; quiet allows me to rest and heal. Quiet will allow me to clear some clutter: if not emotionally or mentally, physically at least. The house still needs a thorough cleaning, my closet needs to be switched over as the cooler weather is here to stay and I have already started cleaning out kitchen cabinets. I had applesauce that expired in 2007, powdered Jell-O that had expired in 2006 and who knows what all else is in here that is long past its expiration date? Looks like I have even less groceries than previously thought. I have nothing to say right now….I am being quiet. I am working on the Izzie Stevens blog post, and resting up tonight so I can tackle a lot of tasks on Saturday. I AM going to include two poems that Oscar has written; she is going through also, and I promise I am going to blog about her adventures really soon, along with introducing you guys to more Panel members, like Chef and Girlfriend. I may sneak Quiet One in here while she is not looking.
Oscar has been writing letters never sent and poems to try and make sense of what the hell her life has become and she shares them with me. I am honored, flattered and her pain and confusion come through so clearly. The one thing that is consistent with her writings is that she places NO BLAME….none, whatsoever and I admire her for that. When she sent me these two poems, I immediately related and knew I would be putting them in a blog post, with her permission. God, she was so excited I think if I were a man, she would have thrown her panties at me. So, enjoy Oscar’s poems, look for Izzie sometime this weekend and be safe, careful and relaxed this weekend. I am getting in the bed to watch Fatal Attractions…… a man has a fully grown BULL that is bigger than my apartment as an indoor pet! And I think I have problems…..
“I Could Never Imagine.”
I could never imagine not being with you; not being able to tell you I love you and how much you’ve always meant to me. I could never imagine you staring into someone else’s eyes; sharing hopes, dreams, passions; I could never imagine it. I was always thought I was enough; when did I become not enough? I could never imagine her being where I used to be; in your house, corrupting your bed, winning over your heart. Has she won over your heart? I could never imagine that.
“I Like to Call us Nothing.”
I tried to make something out of nothing. How do you make something out of nothing? Everything is something; even if it’s nothing, it’s something. You’re a flawless display of nothing, the only exception. I tried to make something out of nothing. How do you make something out of nothing? I believe in the unknown, the unrealistic, even the unbelievable.We’re a flawless display of something, I like to call us nothing.