First, I want to start this blog off by thanking you, my readers. This blog has been in operation for 68 days today, and I have had well over 1,900 views/reads…..that averages to 29 readers/viewers a day!! I thank you all: Panel members, Independent Consultants, Outside Observers and just Cyberspace World for hanging in there with me, and hopefully someone knows that they are not alone out there. I am sure you guys know more than you ever wanted to, and it seems to be a horrible circle at times, but you do not let that deter you from checking in on me and letting me know that I am entertaining, if nothing else. Again, thank you…and the process continues.
Secondly, I am exhausted and a basket case. I know I said I was going to blog about Izzie Stevens and there would be no talk of the process or of him, but I talked with Morning Person today….and before I say another word, I MUST give Morning Person, Artsy Craftsy and Pregnant One a standing ovation: *applause, applause, applause*. I have been going completely crazy the past three days: crying, yelling and cursing…..at them. They try to talk sense into me, but I am as a deaf as a snake right now, so they let me vent and rant and they understand. I poke holes and find loopholes in all they say and they are being patient. In any case, in talking to Morning Person, she first said she did not know I loved him so deeply and why couldn’t I shut the door on him and open the door on acceptance?
I WANT to shut the door on him….I really do. However, I am a hurt, wounded victim right now. No, I will not remain a victim but right now I am and this fiasco has awakened my issues and my issues run so deep, I don’t know even want to know where they end. Suffice it to say if I started weekly therapy right now, I would be in the afterlife on a shrink’s couch before we sorted them all out. When someone has been hurt, violated or betrayed in any way…..you are first in shock. You are wanting to know what happened and you withdraw to examine how badly you were hurt, and you wonder should action be taken. Then, when you realize that hell yeah, I am freaking WOUNDED here, and something needs to be done about it…..you are not looking to God for answers, or at least I’m not. Your first instinct is to demand some type of retribution, compensation…something to even the score and make this right. Hell, even when I was on drugs, after the rapes and beatings, I would look at these guys and tell them they owed me $20 and I was not joking with them. I never got it of course, and I would throw bricks at the car windows or made the next man pay for their crimes. Either way, I got some type of satisfaction and retribution from the violation. And that is where I am……I want to avenge myself against him. No one else will do it for me…..and yes, I know about Karma and the Universe, but they take too long and I have NEVER been known for my patience. I am no longer on drugs or drinking alcohol so I have nothing to soothe my pain (spare me the feel to heal speech please. If that were the case, I should be the healthiest person on the planet) and no one to vent the full extent of my anger and hurt on.
I do not want to hate him, nor do I want to hurt him; hell, I still love him as if none of this ever happened, but he brought it on himself. For every action, there is a reaction and all of us must pay the piper. I want to be forgiving and mature and all the good stuff I say I should be in my blogs (yes, I read my own blogs. I need to see in print what I know I should be doing and what I cannot verbalize) but like I wrote in the letter never sent: whichever emotion I view this from, I come back to his lies and his treatment of me. I think of the man who I sent hot soup, grilled cheese sandwiches and orange juice to when he AND his daughter were sicker than dogs and no one cared enough to even give them a cough drop. I think of the man who laid across my bed and cried because he said he felt that no one cared about him or understood him and clung to me like a child when I told him I did and I do; I think of the man who looked me in my eyes and said that he wanted me, wanted to try again with me and would honestly put forth an effort. I think of the times I had to encourage him, the times I was his own personal cheerleader, the times I was ALL HE HAD…..and THIS is how he treats me? Seriously? I am supposed to look at all this and so much more and say…..I forgive you? Not today, and tomorrow ain’t looking too good either.
Morning Person asked why am I so sure he will return (she knows he will as she is the one who has always said there is no BTH, no relationship and he has not moved one inch since this all went down; but she is either playing Devil’s Advocate or thinks a new approach will assist the process) but I know he will. It is not wishful thinking….at the very least he will view me as a booty call and there is unfinished business on both sides. On his, he only broke off communication with me because I went all Power Ranger Psycho Bitch on him; it took a full week for me to realize what he had done and was actually doing, and for that week (Artsy Craftsy, Chef and Quiet One are witnesses) we talked as if nothing had happened. We still flirted, bantered and told each other about our day. We were still us, and he was more than content to either play me along or play with me. And he will want to play again…..I am the one who knows the things no one else does, I am the one who will do the things no one else will. I am the only one who will give the great heights that allow him to laugh, joke and practically skip around the office. If only for one last fling, this man will find some courage from somewhere to return. On my end…..do you have to ask what my unfinished business is? And truthfully, this really is ALL speculation: will he return or won’t he return? Who knows, and if I take the road that he won’t return, why NOT close the book once and for all AFTER I extract my revenge? Why wait any longer because the way I see it now, he is going to suffer consequences, and as my grandmother used to say before giving a spanking: the longer I have to wait, the worse it is going to be.
I am not the type to let go easily…..I hold onto the good and the bad (and here is another reason to just kick his ass…..he has even tainted the good memories I hold) with everything. I can hold a grudge longer than I will live, and smile 5 years later remembering the touch of a lover. I do not want to be caught unawares or unprepared, and I will compartmentalize and put things away when I feel there is no need to have it front and center anymore; mind you, it has not gone anywhere…it is simply no longer front and center. The Married Man…we have been done and over with for 3 years now, but he does my taxes and a couple of Panel members’ taxes also so once a year, we have contact. We are not bitter enemies, and I can handle a conversation or two with him….but he always, always without fail thinks that we can pick up romantically where we left off…all because I forgave him his actions and stupidity. He thinks he can just come in my building and will actually try my door to see if it is locked…no knocking , just rattling my knob, and that rattles my chain. So I have to go digging back in what I put away concerning his ass, and pull it out, front and center and remind both of us why we are no longer together. With Him, I have to hold onto all of this front and center….for a little while longer at least because he will be back and I need to be able to pull out the reasons why we are no longer together as he will think hitting a reset button or jumping through a hoop or two will make everything okay.
It gets complicated here, because by allowing forgiveness and acceptance in where this guy is concerned will allow me to forgive his role in this, but I will not forget the actions, the hurt and the betrayal…..and if he does not return, someone else will pay. It is really fucked up because I will do to another what he did to me all because I was denied closure and vindication. Forgiveness will not allow me to feel vindicated or even to move past, because I will never forget. Forgiveness allows him to do what he did and let him think it’s okay and that WILL bring him back as he will feel that he can waltz in, do what he wants with me and fuck me over again because I love him so much, I would never hurt him. I want him to know it is NOT OKAY, and he will listen, but not comprehend as I forgave him not once, but twice. It is not enough for me to hear that he suffered the same fate or to know that the Universe will right the wrongs….I want my rock star YES moment, I want to be able to gloat and do a Snoopy dance. I want him to know that all the hurt and pain he is going through is because of what he did to me, and unless I inflict it, he won’t.
When I first entered recovery, I had TONS of stored up anger and rage against others…faceless, nameless men and even myself…..and it had to be released. I had 3 separate incidents that Morning Person reminded me of, and pretty much I lashed out with unnecessary force and once with a weapon in public……I suffered consequences but they were worth it as I did not feel free of those particular demons and burdens until someone paid the price….and thanks to ALL Higher Powers that Morning Person was there to take the knife out of my hand. I can say today, these women were pretty much innocent bystanders…their trespasses against me were trivial compared to what I had suffered through and was releasing….but all it took was one wrong word, one immature action, and they were the face of pain. I am fucked up and for all the dirt I have done, I firmly believe in justice and I if I am prepared to accept consequences for my actions, if I and everyone else on this planet have to account for their actions…..he will also. He is not special or exempt and has no right to visit the sins of another on me. No, I am not God or God’s Wife or the Right Hand of God…..but I am not a pushover and I will get the vindication I need and deserve, whether he returns or not. And this just hit me…..he and I have another issue in common: if we cannot make the person who wronged us suffer, we will take it on the next one. I know all I need to know to find him and I am tired of taking this out on myself and my Panel (we are going through enough) nor do I want to hurt an innocent bystander.
So to answer the question why can’t I shut the door on him and move on? Let me state right here that it is not directed at Morning Person as I KNOW that she is not the only one to ask herself this question; she is just the only one who had the courage to speak up and ask me. Help me to work through this issue that is so deep it is a facet of my personality; help me to see that forgiving him will not leave me and someone I have not even met yet vulnerable to my issues and anger; show me where taking the higher road will truly be the best thing as I have YEARS of working around the issues and baggage; tell me HOW to get my rock star moment, my vindication without having to wait on Karma or resorting to plotting and planning….and I will happily shut the door.
Okay, I have blogged more than I wanted to on a topic I did not even want to…I do not know if it even makes sense to anyone but me, but this is the best I can explain my stance on this topic. Sorry if it is still confusing, but some days the process does not make sense…..all I can do is put it out there and hope someone can relate and help. Tomorrow , the Panel and I are taking a break…from blogging and each other. We have been going through this since Sunday and I am stuck and they are tired and we are going to rest. Friday, we will talk about Izzie unless another issue raises its damned head.