Why Now?


Today, I am filled with a hate and rage so deep towards him, I feel it in every fiber of my being. It actually started Sunday, but still it persists. It is hitting me just HOW much I loved him, just how much I wanted things to work out between us and how much of myself I opened up and offered up to him, and the way he treated my love and my gifts?? The way he treated my beauty, my grace and my compassion? This man has broken my heart in a billion pieces AND violated trust AND disrespected me…..and I hate him for that. Totally and completely. I was talking with Quiet One and just broke down crying. For some reason, she was under the impression I was jealous he had left me for someone else or that I wanted him back but that is not the case. I know nothing lasts forever, and we had an agreement from Day 1….if either of us met someone else we felt we wanted to pursue something with, we would have “the talk” so nobody would be unnecessarily hurt. He had a chance when we reconciled back in July to be honest about what he wanted and HE said he wanted to try again with me,  and it would remain exclusive as I was the only woman he was interested in. He was ready to go further and it would be different; no, he was not deeply in love with me, but he did care an awful lot, he liked me and I brought something to him that no one else did and that was what he wanted. A month later, I am getting cryptic messages and excuses…. I am hurt, angry and broken hearted over his cavalier treatment of me and how he is such a coward and so damned delusional he says it is all my fault; he had AMPLE opportunity to tell me about this chick and NEVER did….instead he led me on to believe that he was so incredibly busy with work. According to him, we never had the sort of relationship where he felt it was any of my business if he had someone else or not and still he hollers that he has all this honor and integrity and respect for all women. THIS is why I hate him…this is why my trust issues are all shot to hell and STILL I love him. Yes, I love him still and want him still, but I do not want him back…if that makes any sense. Quiet One let me cry and told me she understood and to just stay strong and do what needs to be done. She tells me eventually I will be able to move on but the love will never completely go away, and be prepared for that….and she hates him even more than ever.

I am not a child and not new to losing a love(r), but they occurred when I was younger or dulling my pain with drugs and sex or just not that into him. When it is your first love, you honestly believe you will never love again; the promises of undying love and always being there for you….it is heady stuff and if you are experiencing those rapid heartbeats and butterflies for the first time, you tend to believe it all and not know that usually our first love will not be your only love. It CAN happen (high school sweethearts, anyone?) but it is not the norm.  When you are younger and it is your first love, there are so many options to explore and you are not weighted down with issues and baggage; sex with a stranger just for the sake of having sex is not a problem and you are able to rebound more quickly. You may not find your Next Big Thing immediately, but the search for it can be a fun adventure.

As you get older, you acquire more responsibilities and obligations and while it would be nice to have love, it is not the priority it used to be. Someone to release some stress with, enjoy meals with and hang out on the weekends with is pretty much a great thing to have. This is no longer the 1950s where marriage and children would be standard before you are 25; if you are already married that’s great, and if you aren’t…well, that’s fine also. You know what you want out of life and you are mature enough to realize that you need to have ducks in a row to pursue the dreams and goals. People say they want someone who can come to the table and they can both give 50/50, but I say both bring 100/100. It just makes more sense to give 100% , especially with someone you can envision a future with, but people know what they want and are looking for. If you are in love and the heartbreak comes, it is more painful as you now realize that the first love was merely infatuation…kind of a warm up for the real thing. You cry and wonder why and all the time and emotion and effort invested seems like such a waste now, and you get pissed. You want revenge, and for  him AND her to go to hell and quickly. But still , you are pretty young and resilient and you find that ice cream, a mani/pedi and a girls night out can work wonders. You also know you will find love again and that knowledge helps lessen the pain a little.

When you get a little older, you pretty much have baggage and issues….maybe a marriage or two under your belt, maybe some children. You are juggling work and home….maybe even school. You are more hesitant to put yourself out there because you have checked into Heartbreak Hotel more than once. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to hold you close at night and to tell about your day but really, it takes an effort and with the experience you have, you can tell the gamers, players and cheaters pretty much off the bat. And then when you least expect it, here comes someone. No, they are not perfect but then neither are you and you allow them entry. You go slow, play it close to the vest but eventually, you fall….and when it all goes to hell, it becomes a little harder to let go and move on because this time around…..you went slow, consulted with girlfriends and maybe even ran criminal  and credit checks; and after all the research and careful thought and putting  a lot on the line, you STILL got fooled. You think, and over-think and throw yourself more into tangible goals and just kind of let yourself drift along until he is a distant thought but now, now no one will get in again as you are getting too old for this shit.

For me, I have issues galore….my drug addiction simply allowed me to manifest them and addiction adds on baggage, experience and traumas that takes a LOT to come to terms with. Abuse, rape, doing things you never thought you would, living a lifestyle that not even Hollywood can completely capture…..it takes a toll on you and I wonder do people ever overcome them? Yes, physically you can clean up and materially you can show the world how far you have come, but emotionally and mentally? I wonder, as I know I have not. I can compartmentalize and work around them, but never have I overcome them on the inside. So I have a ton of things on the inside that are just laying there dormant, and I have never given myself completely to someone I was intimate with….I did not have my first orgasm until  almost 7 years ago. Being a prostitute allowed me to approach sex in a clinical manner….it was simply a means to an end. A service that was provided to men who may or may not need it again. There was no talking, no cuddling, no knowing anything about the guy except how he liked it, and even in recovery, I simply never found the person I could completely open up to. I have loved a man before in recovery but I never really liked him. With this guy now, I liked him. We had a friendship and a foundation and I fell in love with him long before I knew I did. With this guy now, I never meant to tell him all I did or to give him all of me that I did…..but he returned my offerings and he understood. He came to me at a time when I was not looking for anything or anyone and it was wonderful and beautiful. I fell, and he loved the fact I fell for him….he appreciated all I gave him and he returned as best he could (giving your all is 100%, and sometimes one person’s all is another person’s halfway), until the depression, until the issues and then I do not what happened. How could what was so right turn out so fucked up where I will hate him until my dying day. Where I want him dead and Karma will get me for that one, I know it; but I seem to be paying the price for things I haven’t even done yet, so what is one more thing? I really want him dead as I feel as if he has killed me and if in fact all he did was maim me for life and I will live, it doesn’t matter.  I will never again be whole. I have no forgiveness for him and really, I wish this had all happened when I was on drugs…..alcohol and drugs can make the worst pain go away. Being involved in a all consuming lifestyle has a way of numbing the pain before it even starts.  I wonder why it had to happen now? Now….when my issues are all fucked up, and love and understanding make it that much harder to let go. Why did I have to have the one great love NOW? Regardless of when you meet your one great love, once it is over, you really do not want it to go, and you try to establish connections to hold on just a little bit longer…add to them issues, baggage and the knowledge that yeah, I will love again but never in that way (and seriously, that can be a GOOD thing!) but who will give me that understanding and acceptance? Why now when pickings are slim and I am at the level of experience that I KNOW I will no longer settle for less than the great heights I experienced with him or be willing enough or stupid enough to experiment my way to finding Another One?  And how in the hell am I supposed to know if anyone is capable of taking me to such great heights if I DON’T experiment? It is HARD, and I envy the people who can say fuck that and move on with such ease, as if they never felt anything for the person they claim to have loved….but perhaps they are as fucked up as the rest of us and maybe even more so, they just do not admit it so they can show the world how strong they are. After all, who does not admire strength?

I have written a missive to him and I think I am pathetic…..2 months later and I am still blogging and writing him letters…..I really want the process to do what it does. In any case, I want to send him this missive….I really do. Not for him, he  knows what he did. I want to send it to him for me….to vent this anger and frustration on whom it belongs and get it off of me and my Panel who have to listen to me vent, bitch and cry.  But I hesitate, and I am NOT the chick who hesitates when you have wronged me. I have no problem telling you exactly what I feel but now….I waffle and wonder and this indecision is begging for a therapy session….and we are going to have a two part blog. Has that ever been done…. a to be continued sort of blog post? No matter….. I am going to post the letter here….and  have a therapy session to try to figure out why I cannot send it in tomorrow’s blog. Of course, the majority of the Panel says to not send it….it is rough, mean and it is best to let sleeping dogs lie (as if he will actually respond) but Quiet One says to send it ( I LOVE her!) ….and she hopes all he did to me, he will get back 10 fold. The mere fact I consulted the Panel BEFORE sending it is a first, and lets me know something is happening here….so, here is my letter to him:

By sending you this letter, it seems as if I may still be stuck…and in a way I am. I LOVED you, and for you to do what you did the WAY you did it? I will never get over that, and in my process, this is what I keep coming back to…your treatment of me. In other areas, the process is doing its job as you will NEVER get another chance to piss in my face and call it rain, and at this point if I never see or hear from you again, it will be too soon. You say I persist in sending ugly emails and that I shouldn’t because you never said you loved me. Seriously, dude? After you wipe your shitty ass with my face, you think I am just supposed to wash my face and go on about my merry way? Get.Real. How about you STOP reading them?  And they are only ugly because they make you face the truth and I am not sugarcoating anything. I simply send them to you as you are the one who created this fiasco, and I am done running around wondering what it is with me. You even told me yourself that the person who causes the shit/drama is the one who should be the recipient of my wrath, not innocent bystanders, yet that does not apply when you are the one who is stirring the pot?

 ALL of this was your fault and the blame lays squarely on your shoulders. You know you were in the wrong as evidenced by you not being able to face me (you were actually going to leave used panties and porn with the front desk?) and that puzzles me as you said you never felt anything towards or for me, so why would it bother you to look me in my face?  You handled this in a sneaky, immature way that can only lead me to believe that you planned to play me just like you did the first time….you may not want me: aside from having big titties, I am obviously NOT your type, and sorry to disappoint but hey, a good dicksucker is hard to find, huh? Maybe I should become a gold digger who is fake/phony from head to toe, wears a ton of makeup and lots of fake hair (at least I would have gotten an all expense paid to trip to Cabo out of the deal) And that statement is not said out of jealousy…you WISH it could be something as easy as jealousy. No way in hell am I jealous of THAT and no way in three hells could I ever get ghetto enough or lower myself enough to be the caliber of woman you are apparently comfortable parading about.  This is NOT about who loved who; it is all about your treatment of me…..and spare me your bullshit reasoning, please. The mere fact you are surprised someone would be angry and actually lash out at the treatment you have shown me….seriously, I am not worthy of basic respect and common courtesy after YOU were the one to say I would always be the first to know when you had moved on? Tell me, where was you honor and integrity? Where is all this respect you say you have for all women? Your actions say a LOT about you or maybe it is only me who is the sole recipient of this treatment? It would be nice to know just WHAT have I ever done to you for you to treat me the way you did? Tell me…what was it?

This entire fiasco is YOUR fault and born of YOUR actions and YOUR treatment of me.  The way you handled this was not the way a gentleman, which you claim to be, would have, regardless of how casually you viewed me and what we had. You showed no honor, no integrity and no respect for either of us with the way you dealt with the situation (to term it high-schoolish is giving it too much credit) and have the nerve to say I am the bad guy and you don’t like me? Seems to me you never did if your actions are any indication, and you were warned when we got together in July that I will give back what is unfairly given to me. Tell me, have I EVER lied to you about ANYTHING? You say I called you names no one has ever thought of….but they never say anything do they? They just leave. And I will tell you this: I have never, ever been treated so ridiculously by ANY man….ever, so that makes us even and really, I feel you deserve worse than what I have given you.

I know I am a damned good woman and treated you damned well when you did not provoke and push me to do otherwise, but obviously I am not what you wanted or looking for in any capacity….. but I will always be natural, truthful and a straight shooter. And you will always, ALWAYS never be worthy or deserving of all I offered you. I am at a point in the process where I am straddling the line between love and hate, and hate is winning. I am not shouldering any of your blame and will not be a party to your delusion and denial. It is obvious both of us have crossed boundaries with each other and I at least am still hurting and unwilling to forgive you your actions…ever. I will never trust a word out of your mouth, and never, ever will I be able to see you in the same way again ….in fact, I will hate you until my dying day for this.

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