Xanax, Please

You know, it is now November. November!! The year is almost over and it seems I am ending it the way it began: estranged from him, and still no permanent job. I swear, I thought 2010 was going to be a better year for me…..a year of change and beginnings and just a wonderful prelude to a new decade. Okay, whatever. To date, he has given me the best day of the year and the worst, and if anything can top that….I am not sure I want to be around to see it. I am pretty much a candidate for both Prozac and the short bus and depression has taken away my Happy Homemaker award. Has anyone seen the movie Strait Jacket with Joan Crawford? I could fill the role of her batshit crazy daughter right now with ease….I hate you, I love you…oh, and let me commit ax murders while I am dressed as you so you will be framed for my actions and spend the rest of your life locked away somewhere. Seriously.

I am smoking too many cigarettes, my eating habits and diet are pretty much off kilter and I pop 800 mg motrins the way some people take vitamins for the constant headache I have. My neck and shoulders are so tight and tense, they feel like slabs of concrete. I can never seem to get enough sleep and my energy levels are zapped. My feelings are overly sensitive and I will snap at someone as soon as look at them.  I am doing the bare minimum and it is taking all I have to do only that. October’s rent has not been paid (and no, I do NOT have it) and I just feel as if I am going crazy. The cracks are starting to show yet I seem to be the only one who sees them. I swear, I cannot believe that the process takes this much out of you….I have to be processing every relationship I have ever had. Yes, I love/ loved him deeply and unconditionally but COME ON!! Can I please have my closure, tuck the emotions neatly away and get moving?? I do not mind staying stuck, but can I at least have the energy and motivation to at least change my closet over, iron clothes for work and dust my bookshelves? I am enduring the rain, and ready to walk the path….really, I am. Just let me get back to being me. I want to be funny, edgy, sexy and cute ALL the time, not in spurts and spells.

It has been suggested I take up a hobby, but I do not need a hobby. I enjoy reading, movies and writing….but I let them slack and slide along with everything else. What I need is an anti-depressant and an energy drink. It has been said that I am mourning and grieving; I can almost go along with that as while no one has actually, literally died…emotionally and figuratively he has. The Panel reminds me that he will return, but I say he won’t. Yes, he may come and stand before me if/when the BTH incident is over, but I will not let him back him in and it is at a point I am hoping he does not even look my way when this whirlwind tornado blows out of town. Once THIS sonofabitch process is over, I would be a fool to put myself in any type of position to start it back up and while  my ass may be dumb, I am not a dumbass. I am told it is a process and these things take time, but I am tired of that. It’s a process, it’s a process….it is a pain in the ass is what it is. I honestly think the only people happy to see me go through this are Morning Person as she has not seen me process a damned thing since I surrendered to the process of recovery; Artsy Craftsy who says that when this is over, I will be healthier, stronger and better able to make objective decisions and choices. I have a new Independent Consultant who came to me after reading this blog and told me she was IN. She has seen the effects of this fiasco and process on me, and now that she has a handle on what it was and how it all went down, she wants to help. She wants my light to shine and to be the great person she says comes through even now. Besides that, she loves the names, descriptions and accolades I give my circle of friends and she wants a cool name also. I have told her her name would be Artistic One and she has a gift for photography. Seriously, she should pursue it full time as she could easily be the next Annie Lebowitz. When I become rich and famous, she will be my personal photographer. In any case, she is loving the fact that I am processing and she wants me to stick with it and not give up. Yeah, I am a wreck now and it sucks but later….later I will be glad I stuck it out. All I know is I am afraid to give up on  it now, as I am thinking being half-assed processed may be worse than not being processed at all.

I do not mind being alone as I am not too lonely….hell, he is keeping me company in my head all day and all night. Even though I am horny as hell and my nipples are so hard they can cut glass, I am okay being celibate. There are ways to alleviate the feelings and urges and trust me, when I say I am not ready for anyone or anything, he is included in that. I am okay with the questions as that is natural to wonder why and what and how; I am even okay with the analysis of him and his motives as I have to get the answers I need somehow and they will not come from him. I have enough sense to not tell me what I want to hear as I cannot have the complications of false hope or expectations disrupting an already fucked up situation. What I am not okay with is this depression: the lethargy, the feeling of being disconnected and the just overall feeling of not caring. At this point, I just don’t care and nothing matters. I see no need to replenish the lack of groceries in my fridge and cabinets as I will not cook anything……microwaving a waffle is too much work. A shower on the weekends…..do I HAVE to? I tell myself I don’t as I live alone and who will know if I don’t? Talking to my mother, which I do at least 5 times a day when I am happy and healthy….dialing those digits takes all I have. I have even backed off a little from the Panel as they will ask how am I doing, and that will lead to discussions about him (and I KNOW they are tired of THAT shit), and I am trying to keep him in the background as much as possible. I am trying to progress and move forward and all I had with him is now in the past. The only reason I am blogging right now is  because someone needs to know where I really am in the scheme of things and these are things I would never tell the Panel.

I have no idea if I am crazy or obsessed; no idea if the process is working as I still seem to be so tangled in the past it is ridiculous, yet if it wasn’t working, there would not be the turmoil, right?  I am just a mess and a wreck and I feel worthless, stuck and useless right now. I blog all that happy crap about sunshine and rainbows but seriously, it is night where I am. It is cold and dark and I do not have the energy to light a candle to at least illuminate the shadows….I would rather just stumble around and feel my way through the darkness. Truthfully, if he returned right now saying all the right things and held me in his arms, kissing me and stroking my hair, I would want to halt the process and just jump off if only to stop this emotional whirlpool that can only manifest itself via lackluster confusion and vivid memories. But the Process Train is in full effect….moving too fast for me to jump yet the destination is still a speck in the distance. Since I have no idea what to do or where to turn, I can only do nothing. I can only stand still, pray for patience and strength and hope that by the time 2011 gets here I can at least have half my act together. I can only take things one day at a time and just run for cover when too many days hit me all at once and remember not to hate him too badly because it was not that long ago, he made me smile, he made me happy and he was just what I had wanted and wished for. Be careful what you wish for. I have to remember not to hate the process because it is for my own good and no one in my circle of friends would let me go through this if it ultimately was not in my best interest.

I DO want the train to stop; remember I told anyone who was tired of me going through this was free to leave? Well, can I leave now, please? I know I lost myself in him, and now the process seems to be drowning me….I just want to know will I ever return? Will I ever be me again? I am trusting that if I endure this process, I WILL be me…..only better. In the meantime,  I want this to be over and I want him to be the guy who when you mention his name, I can say: who? I want to be able to sleep deeply and soundly, I want to get back into cooking and I want to be able to restore the health and cleanliness to my cutie pie apartment. I want to be able to hang out on the weekends again, be it with friends or solo. I want to be able to look in the mirror and say positive things to myself because I mean it and want to, not to give me enough  gumption to walk across the street to the bus stop. I want to be ME again, with my control issues manifesting themselves in a productive way and even a day at work results in an adventure and funny stories. And for all I want (the process to stop, him(still) , myself and my life back) and all the suffering I am going through right now, the ones who suffer the most are the ones who don’t know what they want and blindly hurt others in their pursuit of…..whatever.


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