Shhh…It’s A Secret

Secrets….we all have them. We share some with others, but some we keep between ourselves and God. The sick, dark twisted secrets that if we share with anyone else…..they will know the blackness of our hearts and how shameful  and soulless we really are. In the rooms of recovery, we hear we are only as sick as our secrets and we are encouraged to open up and share ourselves with others, but we share surface shit. The stuff people can identify with and with time and trust we trot out some of the secrets that contributed to our addiction and our erratic behavior. I have shared that I was molested as a child…..which is a terrible thing, but that wasn’t the catalyst that spun me into the spiral of addiction; the catalyst was how it made me FEEL…..and how those feelings at the hand of a family member clashed with what had been instilled in me. These feelings contributed to my low self-esteem and low self-worth and my self- image….and these feelings combined with the  guilt, torment and shame was the catalyst. This is NOT my dark, hidden away secret…..this is the secret that, once I told it, placed me firmly on the path of recovery and let me know I was not alone in the turmoil that had raged inside of me for so long.

We share our secrets with those we feel we can trust. If I had to pick one person who knew the majority of my secrets, it would be a tie between Morning Person and Him. I have never heard my secrets repeated from either and I am going to give credit where credit is due: in this respect, Him is definitely a better person than me. Hands down. The things I have told him….he has never repeated and has never, ever thrown back in my face. In fact, the man has never called me out of my name (except in bed) and I cannot say the same about me when it concerns him. I call him every name in the book and some no one has ever thought of; I throw every secret back in his face and name ONE Panel member who does not know his secrets? You can’t because I shared secrets that were not even mine with other people. Thank Goodness I hang with folks more trustworthy than me. Not that I cannot keep a secret…I can. Just not when it concerns me.  I told secrets that he thought were safe  with me to people who see this man every day and work with him and answer to him…. they know exactly what his kinks and secret desires are; they know the hell his wife put him through; they know his inadequacies and insecurities and they know everything I have said to him and pretty much all he has ever said to me….in love and in anger. Yet I want to get angry with him for keeping us a secret…I want to say he is ashamed of me and he does not think I am pretty enough or whatever enough to be seen in public with me.  Hmmmm….hello?  The man is private, discreet and secretive; he does not parade his private life around, and he trusted me to keep us between us. Hell, I am a worse person than I thought as I totally misrepresented myself to him. I have logged into his email account and read every communication in there, and then, smart bitch that I am…I confront him with shit I am not even supposed to know about. I hid my sources behind rumors and gossip, but see what I mean when I say I cannot keep a secret when it concerns me? I cannot even justify spilling his secrets: yes, I am a female and yes, girls talk and tell each other personal stuff about what happens with them and their man, but not to friends who see your man every day!!

You know….this is the hardest thing I have ever had to write……I hate being truthful with myself and sharing it with others? Painful as hell. I mean, I am an untrustworthy bitch who has misrepresented herself to the one person she claims to love more than anything. Simply because he does not know I have betrayed his trust does not mean I have not. Of course, this in no way excuses his shit….AT ALL….but maybe I am getting back what I put out. I am not going to excuse his behaviors and actions by shouldering all of the blame, but if I am being objective….I am not Little Miss Perfect here. It is one thing to tell my Panel about my sexual exploits or my dark places….I am the author of this book and I can have it as open as I want; I cannot open books that are not mine. The man shared a part of himself with me; he read passages of his book to me….and only me. It was not my place nor is it my right to share his book with others…and I have because by our getting together, we became a part of each other’s story. He chooses not to share his story, so I am not a secret. He just chooses not to share that piece of himself with others. I chose to share my story with my trusted circle….and when it came to the chapters that contained him, I should have done some heavy editing. Not that they will tell….I know them. They keep my secrets as I keep theirs….I just over share mine and right now….I feel so badly. I really do; he did not share his secrets with the Panel…..he shared them with me, knowing I would keep them safe. I betrayed his trust, I called him some really mean things and I threw things that he shared looking for caring and understanding back in his face, belittling him in the process.

I have no excuse….hurt people hurt people and I am the bitch who will give back what she is given. I still have no idea why he treated me the way he did, why he would betray our friendship the way he did….and all I can say is Karma and the Universe see and know all, so maybe this is my retribution. Seriously, I am the pot calling the kettle black…he just got caught doing his dirt. Of course, he can never know what I have done….I am not dumb enough to get caught doing my fucked up shit….so I will tuck this secret away with my other dark, can never be told secret and pray for forgiveness for myself. I still do not know what will happen to he and I; I have no idea whether we will reconcile or remain strangers, but perhaps forgiving myself will go a long way towards me forgiving him and being able to wish him the best in whatever he undertakes, whether I am a part of it or not, and be sincere when I say that.  Remember the old song: two people can keep a secret only if one of them is dead? It was written for people like me…whether I am a part of the secret or not, a secret is shared in confidence. Maybe I thought since it was partly my business too, it was okay to tell, but then what happened to the confidence part? I don’t know. In fact, I have NO idea how I ended up here, with these thought and this blog post. I WAS going to blog about misrepresentation, but in the world of online dating…you know, how people post pictures that are 20 years old, lie about their weight, height, etc. but I ended up here instead.

You know, I am REALLY hating this process right now…once again, I am wearing the black hat and being the bad guy…..but in order to change and grow, you have to confront the demons and the unpleasantness they bring with them. Perhaps I am here at this point because it IS time for forgiveness and time to remove the shards of glass from my heart so I can heal….and in order to forgive another, you must first forgive yourself and maybe in sharing this, I can finally start on the journey of  forgiveness and healing.

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Bits and Pieces

I am revamping my Panel. Morning Person, Artsy Craftsy and Pregnant One are going to be getting 90 day notices for Christmas and Quiet One is on probation. I make these threats all the time, and no one pays me any attention, but they need to talk to Girlfriend. I followed through on my threat to ban her from the Panel for a full five minutes, people. Longest five minutes ever. I am sure people are busy with their own lives and I hope everything is okay….but I miss my friends. No one calls, no one writes….and Morning Person should know better. I am like a child….when I am this quiet I am either sleeping or busy getting into trouble. It will serve them right when they come back home and see the walls covered in crayon, sofa cushions ripped, wet toilet paper stuck to the ceiling and the dog whimpering in the corner, needing therapy and the gum cut out of his fur.

Right now, the patients are running the asylum: Cuz,  Buddy, Oscar and I are holding things down….and all of us are crazier than bedbugs on crack. Seriously, there is a real problem when I am the sane person in the group and Oscar is making sense. So let’s find out what is going on with the ones in charge:

Buddy: All I can do is laugh at Buddy. I love him…I really do. This man is one of a kind…no doubt. I told you guys he lost his job, but now he has another one! Buddy….MY Buddy…is going to become a ski instructor. When he first told me this, I stared at the phone. I finally asked him was he sure? I mean, this is a man with a double major from an accredited 4 year university, and the degree is NOT in outdoor winter sports. He said he was sure. I asked him COULD he ski? He said he had had a couple of lessons about 5 years ago. I asked him did he need to show off his skiing talents, or have accreditation or something that would let people know he really was qualified to teach them how to ski and not hit trees or break legs or something else that would require medical attention and a good insurance plan. He said…I got this. So I am looking forward to hearing all about his new job and hoping it lasts longer than my confidence in him on skis.

Cuz: He has emerged from his corner and says he is tired of being depressed. He has (once again) put the One Great Love in the background and is ready to get back out there and go on The Hunt. He is not searching for a relationship….he wants a straight up freak that he can do kinky things with.  He has placed ads on Craigslist and Nude Africa. He wants to tie women to his kitchen table and be serviced for 24 hours straight. He wants a submissive, threesomes and young girls. However, he does not want a woman who writes to men in jail and the women have to be intelligent or classy. MY question: name one classy, intelligent woman who will allow herself to be tied to a table in Southeast for a one night stand based off of an ad placed on someplace like Craigslist? Seriously, she MAY be out there….but I doubt if he will find her.  I asked him was he sure about this as he seemed to be all over the map with his desires and wish lists. I think he has been watching too much porn and thinks every woman has an oral fixation and wears Velcro clothing with no underwear. He says he needs to make up for lost time and he will be an equal opportunity employer. So far, it is still in the planning stages as his ads on Craigslist were flagged and he is waiting to see if there is a charge to place a personals ad on NA.

Oscar: She is not as crazy as before, but she did have to re-read about her exploits and comment on them. Him, Jr. is back in her thoughts, pretty much because he is back to sending his mixed signals. He will call and text her asking about the baby, yet when she sends him communications on Facebook  asking when he is coming to pick the baby up for visitation (the man only has text on his phone, and apparently did not pay the bill for that this month), he goes all Mr. I Am Being Harassed By You on her, so she gave up. She wants a civil relationship at the very least with him as they will always be tied by the baby, but he has more mood swings than a roomful of women with PMS.  As for Mr. Minor….she has had vivid dreams of him, but no contact. They were supposed to meet up last week, but he had a last minute emergency. She is not sure if he lying or telling the truth but she is going with the innocent until caught in the act theory.  She is not sure which direction she wants to go in as her heart is in a headlock right now, so she is finally sitting still, but only for a minute and her legs are fidgeting so much, she could audition for Riverdance and probably get in. She is concentrating on other areas of her life…..going back to school, and she has an acting audition coming up next week.

Me:  I got a text message today from a person who said they read my blog….and I am messed up. I told them I had been messed up for years. I actually know this person, and while they are more than an acquaintance, they are not quite a friend. We used to be friends at one time, but somehow, we do not call or email as much but they know if they need an ear or a shoulder I am here and I would hope it is the same on their end. I went to a viewing today (as in funeral service viewing) as a show of support for a co-worker. I really cannot go out in public….I hugged my co-worker and  we were both in awkward positions and somehow her hat fell off…and it was one of the hats with the hair attached to it, so it became even more awkward. Then I went to view the body….and did a double take as they had left glasses on the woman. I pretty much felt everyone saw me do the double take so I hurried up out of there. Work is coming along and it seems that it will turn out to be long term after all..so YAY. I baby-sat for my supervisor Friday at work, and her son is adorable. He is 4 years old and he mimics people. The phone on my desk rang, and I answered it. Then the main line telephone rang at the desk he was sitting at and he answered it!! He picked up the phone and said: “Hello. My mommy’s job.” He went with me everywhere, even smoking. I left him on the inside of the door and we had our hands touching each other’s through the glass, jailhouse style and he told me he liked smoking! I think his mom is spending the weekend trying to break him of all the bad habits I taught him.  The end of November is coming up FAST and still no rent money, but I am not worried. Do not ask me why I am not, but I am Queen of the Stall Tactics, and seriously…I have held onto my apartment for the past 6 years (although it has never been this bad)  and I have no plans to leave here anytime soon. As for him….who knows? I write emails and letters….and purge myself. I am not AS depressed as I was…I am keeping the apartment and my clothes clean and no one has to call to ask if I bathed….Time, Universe and the Process are doing what they have to (and taking their sweet time about it) and who knows what will happen? I am keeping worst case scenarios firmly in the forefront so I am not surprised or blindsided no matter which direction I find myself going in. Although my ice cream cone is ready to be licked I have no desire for any particular person….. although the one thing I want more than anything right now is to kiss him….slowly and deeply. I cannot see us beyond that kiss, and I do not see me even kissing another,  so my ice cream cone will stay in the freezer. You can’t let just ANYONE lick your ice cream, ladies and right now….I have ZERO idea where anyone’s body parts have been or whether or not they play(ed) safely.

Okay, it is Sunday, my random day and I have laundry and some mopping planned. Another Deadly Women marathon is coming on so I will watch it…Cuz and Oscar are watching it also ( at least some of it) so we will probably take notes. I told you before…that show is quite educational. Ninety day notices are still going out even though Chef is saying to put everyone on probation as they may need the Panel sooner rather than later and everyone needs a vacation once in a while. I am not sure….these are high-ranking members and they know they have to give notice for extended leaves of absences….this is equivalent to a no call, no show. I still have a day to debate the issue as mail won’t run until Monday. Everyone enjoy their Sunday and I will blog tomorrow.

Random Meanderings

Happy (Black)  Friday, people. I hope everyone had a wonderful, relaxing Thanksgiving holiday and your bellies are still full. Mine was good….I slept, I ate ( and got so full!)  and I watched The Godfather, Part II for the first time ever. I missed The Godfather as I woke up too late, but at least one  movie is scratched off of my Movies Never Seen list. And a young Al Pacino was HOT!! Seriously, I never knew the man was THAT good looking! I talked to Chef, Oscar and Cuz and some family members and I also caught a Deadly Women marathon….I LOVE that show. It is SO educational.  (Insert evil laugh here)

I do not think I told you about the dinner I had with Reliable One last week where he THOUGHT he was giving me compliments but it all came out wrong. Really wrong. The man said I was sexy as hell with my thick arms and chicken legs, and I was ALMOST beautiful. Seriously? First, you say I am the Michelin Man on stilts, THEN you basically say I am ugly. I am sorry, but there are just some things in life that are or aren’t….and beautiful is one of them. I just looked at him as I really need him to be my financial plan for a minute, so I cannot go around stabbing him with forks or going ghetto on him right now, but I did ask him was I supposed to be flattered by that statement and seriously, WHAT do you see when you look at me? I realize I am a larger woman (I say I am luscious; my sister says I need a fitness plan. I say as long as my clothes fit nicely, I have a fitness plan) but his statement really had me questioning not only myself but the quality and character of men I meet. Reliable One swears he meant it in a good way as he considers me his dream girl. Whatever…..all I know is I am really tired of excusing and justifying the words and actions of older white men due to their lack of experience. Even if you have NEVER been intimate with a woman, you should still know how to speak to and treat people. Call me crazy but that is the way I see things.

I am still processing and right now I am quiet. Not as quiet as Morning Person (I am so going to find out what is going on over there) but keeping to myself and working on other areas of my life that need tending to while I figure out which way to go OR prepare myself for the path the process will lead me upon. I am still struggling with forgiveness where HE is concerned…..like beauty and pregnancy, it is one of the things in life that is all or nothing, so how can I love him but not forgive him or only forgive him pieces of this fiasco? Really, if I can still feel the love I do, the empathy/sympathy I do for him…forgiving him should be the easiest thing in the world, but then I come up against the irrefutable facts.  I am dealing with memories, mixed signals and no closure, and the no closure part makes it really difficult to move on past these irrefutable facts which makes forgiveness kind of hard and unless one can move on completely and NOT in anger, a part of you will always be stuck. (That sounds so simple and logical, but it took me awhile to catch onto THAT tidbit of knowledge) What he offered me in terms of an explanation/closure, McGyver could not do anything with, so I know I am stuck with the shit end of the stick here. I just have to work it through as best I can and as objectively as possible….tossing it into one extreme or the other does no good because neither extreme is the complete truth…I have to find that gray area where we seem to live and he hides the other half of the truth.

I told you all in an earlier post that Married Man called me….totally random and out of the blue. I THOUGHT he was calling to see if he still had tax clients this year (I introduced him to 5 clients when we were together) but he said he had been having dreams about me. We chit-chatted for a minute or two, then he breaks out with he will come by this weekend and spend some time with me, and how he really is going to leave his wife this time. I told him to hold the phone there, Sparky. First, I do not recall mentioning being lonely or in need of company this weekend or at any other time. Secondly, we broke up over the exact same lie he is still letting fall from his lips. I NEVER asked the man to leave his wife…for what?? The man has no money and nowhere to go if he leaves his wife’s house (yes, it is HER house) and no, he cannot come here to live. The man is a serial cheater, a liar and  I call Him a coward?? He took lessons from Married Man…and in spite of all that, if he had NEVER talked about leaving his wife, we would still be together. See, I am the type I do not ask for much because I do not require much, but once you put something out there of your OWN volition and free will, I AM the bitch that will pick it up and expect you to follow through on it…..and Married Man has no follow through. Excuses, yes…follow through, no. The thing that gets me with Married Man is he really thinks we can just pick up where we left off, that I still want to be intimate with him. News flash:  I don’t and have not wanted him in over 3 years; it actually started before we officially broke up, but I was trying to break it to him gently.

Pantyhose Dude and I have an appointment late next week…..he called to see how I was doing and to apologize for standing me up. He offered no excuses or reasons….he said he had no excuse and if I could find it in me to accept his apology and give him another chance, he would NOT make the same mistake twice. What can you say to that? It was mature, smart and sincere. I agreed to meet with him, but there will be no going further. He had his chance with that and now I am more of an emotional mess than I was before and really….I have nothing to offer any man at this time. I can however parade around in  hose and listen to him talk about his latest acupuncture session. So this is what is going on with me and where I am . I will blog later this weekend and hope everyone enjoys their Friday.

Gobble, Gobble

Today is Thanksgiving Day. Without a doubt, Thanksgiving is my absolute favorite holiday, and with good reason It involves food, friends and family. Yeah, yeah…family can mean dysfunction and drama, but it is only for one day and with all the good food and friends to hide behind….it really is bearable. In the past, Guardian Princess and I would throw Thanksgiving dinner parties for the neighbors in our building who were either alone or not doing anything special for the day; my family members would be invited and Guardian Princess would invite her friends and she and I would cook: turkeys, glazed ham, homemade stuffing with sausage and apples, homemade cranberry sauce, seafood and pasta salad (which I make with albacore tuna and real crabmeat), macaroni and cheese that was so cheesy my baby sister said no wonder it was so yummy… it was a heart attack on a plate, whipped sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top, all types of greens and vegetables, mashed potatoes, potato salad, all types of desserts and drinks. We would have it in the hallway ( no way everyone could fit in one person’s unit!) with candles, music and the first year we did it, we gave away door prizes. Last year, Guardian Princess opted out for other obligations and I cooked for a small gathering of family and friends, but this year….the hallway is again empty. Obligations, circumstances and other forces beyond our control have me spending my very first Thanksgiving alone….and I decided not to cook.

People are looking at me as if I am crazy and probably think I am lonely and depressed as my Thanksgiving this year will consist of a pizza (with extra cheese, pepperoni and sausage), Cajun wings and potato wedges. Everyone says no one should be alone for the holidays…..but I say people should never be lonely. Everyone deserves something or someone which enriches their lives and makes them complete….the holiday season is not the only time people feel loneliness and depression. Food is an integral part of Thanksgiving but it is not the only part. Just as Christmas has become too hectic and commercialized, I feel Thanksgiving has become so also. It is all about all this food….what are you cooking, are you cooking enough and make sure I can take some home. Seriously, Thanksgiving has become an expense and a chore….I do cook from the heart and I get the most satisfaction from seeing the people I love and care for deriving pleasure and nourishment from my culinary efforts….but do not make me feel as if I have an obligation to feed you beyond this one day of togetherness. The cost of food is damn near prohibitive and to buy enough to feed 20 or more people at least twice AND to take home leftovers? This Year I do not have the time (cooking like that takes a LOT of time and I had to work the day before and will work the day after), money/resources or the energy (after all that cooking, comes the cleaning and trust me, NO ONE sticks around for that part!) to entertain.  Oh, and this is just a random thought: WHY are people trying to make Thanksgiving healthy?? Can us Fatty Patties have 3 days out of 365 to just indulge and not be reminded of calories, fat and sugar content? All we want is Halloween (trick or treat!), Thanksgiving  (a day ALL ABOUT food) and Christmas (Santa is  definitely NOT a weight watcher!!) . We will count calories and read labels the rest of the year.

This year, I am going back to the real meaning of Thanksgiving….a time to reflect back on what I have to be thankful for. Of course, one should do that every day but we don’t. Today, I will be alone but not lonely….I have my family whom I will speak with on the phone. I am so blessed to have both my parents still living and in stable, decent health with no financial worries. I have siblings I love so much although we fuss. I have friends who love me and I love them too…yeah, I am going through and probably getting on their nerves, but I am there when they need me also and our bonds are unbroken. I have my apartment which provides me with shelter and an oasis from the outside world. I still have my temp assignment and I am blessed to be part of such an organization and the people I have met there make me feel as if I am family and belong there with them. I may not have a lot of groceries, but if I had chosen to cook something I could have, and Guardian Princess has offered me turkey and sweet potato bread (I am so going for the sweet potato bread) but I am content with my pizza and wings…..it is tasty and I can heat and eat. I can spend the day doing what I want: blogging, sleeping, some light house cleaning and maybe laundry. Not only being thankful, but caring for the things I am thankful for: my home, a warm bed, clean clothes, resting so I can go into work tomorrow and my health (although  my menu is not very healthy, it is good for the soul…pizza makes everything better).

Today will be a Thanksgiving unlike any other I have ever spent……I have not been up since 5am trying to get the rest of the dinner together and rushing around like a mad woman getting the house in order. I will not be venturing out into the cold and rain to eat at someone else’s house, wondering if they know how to cook, or having to swallow down food when I already know they can’t. I will not have to make small talk with those I do not know or those I do not wish to be bothered with simply because we are somehow related or I have known them since we  were “yay-high”….and that is the advantage of being the hostess. You invite only those you WANT to be bothered with and this year, on this day….I only want to be bothered with me.

I do not think I am being selfish, rude or mean; Thanksgiving is STILL my favorite holiday and there will be others. I do not need a holiday to spend time with my family and friends and I definitely do not need a holiday to cook up a storm. I have no children to instill or keep a tradition going for and as chaotic and hectic as this year has been, a day of solitude is the best gift yet. I am okay (really, I am!) and have been told by others when they heard of my plan that they are envious. So enjoy your turkey and stuffing and pies…..spend time with your loved ones and laugh, tell stories and tell them you love them. Give thanks for all you have and remember who and what you have lost, and give thanks for them also. Don’t drink too much and don’t stay up too late….Black Friday is coming sooner than you think and you KNOW you want to hit up Target with their $200 TVs.  🙂

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!

What’s Going On?

What’s going on? Nothing is what’s going on. We are boring people today. In fact, the Panel and I have been boring for a minute. To be fair, it is the holiday season and that means compressed work weeks which equals less days to do more work; we are all going through something and are kind of in our own little worlds right now…even Oscar has calmed down enough to at least take a deep breath. We will catch up with the Panel in a few, after I introduce you all to Chef.           

  I have no idea where to begin with Chef. He is simply a great friend: he will  listen to you, offer advice and insight, loan you money (not a lot, though) and not press you for repayment and if you are depressed, he will tease you and joke with you until you are smiling or laughing. I cannot count the times since this fiasco he has stopped my tears from falling. Chef works on the Island (he has been there for over 20 years)  and is pretty much the office bitch. He DOES have an official title, but he does everything BUT that.; however, you will never hear him complain and he has the work ethic of a robot. The man only takes one day off a year (New Year’s Eve) and even when his fiancée was ill, he only took half days two days a week and when she passed, he took MAYBE 3 days. We call him Chef because since his fiancée passed, he started culinary school to not only learn a new skill, but to fill the empty spaces. The dishes he prepares in class sound yummy, but we do not know if the man can cook or not as he never brings home leftover goodies to share with us. I am probably the only one to know this side of him, but he is very much into shock value, especially on a sexual level (think videos and pictures) but I am too quick for him and usually end up showing him a trick or two. He says Quiet One is his wife, Pregnant One USED to be his fantasy girl but she has been replaced with Girlfriend and I am his naughty girl. Chef knows my history (all of it) and still sees me as a lady. A classy lady and will berate and correct me when I use foul language. While Chef is quite angry at Him for his treatment of me, he does want to see us reconcile and for Him to make amends and the necessary changes. According to Chef, he has never seen Him as happy and balanced as he was when we were together and any man who can get me to stop the Craigslist experiment and be faithful (even during a breakup)  cannot be all bad. He says Him and I are not soul mates, but cell mates as he has never seen/heard/read such intensity and passion between two people and our arguments have him grabbing popcorn and a front row seat. Chef knows what it is like first hand to not fully appreciate someone until they are gone, and he feels that two people with such chemistry, magnetism and attraction who still have a chance to get it right need to get it right.  Chef is not pressuring me to move on or fall out of love….when it is time, it will happen. It has been almost two years since his fiancée passed and Chef is comfortable with his memories and mementos of his one great love.  When it is time for him to move on and open his heart, he will but he hopes that other women are not as crazy as I am. Chef is the one encouraging me to reach out and see if anything can be salvaged from the wreckage and Chef is the one who has not wavered in his belief that He will return and I need to lay down my sword and hear him out. All I can say is…we’ll see.        And now…on to the Panel:  

Me: Hmmm…first, I  seem to have inadvertently eaten some cauliflower earlier this week (which I am allergic to) and I am now broken out in angry red bumps all over my forehead and cheeks. They itch something awful and when I scratch them, they burn. So my face is slathered in Neosporin, which makes me smell like an old person. I have spoken with the Policeman and I guess we have made up. He apologized and said he missed his friend, and I listened. I may not have said anything but at least I picked up the phone this time around. I am still processing, and I am still struggling with ambivalence. I hate to be so ambivalent  as I feel like an indecisive fool and pretty much crazy to go back and forth so  often and so quickly, but I go where the process takes me and today, it is taking me to a place that says he does not appreciate my love for him; hell, no one has ever asked him to return it….just recognize, receive and appreciate. The process is taking me to a place that says he does not know how to treat me as a person and a lover ( I believe I WAS those two things to him) and until he can  treat me as a person and not an object here for his pleasure and pay for pussy he DOES get the way he pays for pussy he DOESN’T get (Chef would so fuss me out for putting it so bluntly)…..we have nothing to say to each other. I truly do not like  myself right now for my ambivalence; for all my big talk I am still loving him, I hate  having to treat him this way, I am  still weak enough to care when I hear things and  I still want to save him from the inevitable fall (if he has not already spiraled into it)  he is headed for when he threw me into a freefall with no thought, no guilt and no remorse……but always, when it comes to him, I use my powers for good and not evil unless he provokes me to do otherwise.

 Morning Person: She has been quiet lately….very quiet. She has not called to check on me (she is probably enjoying the break) and maybe, just maybe, the rest of us have driven her right over the edge. She has family obligations, work and a host of other things (Me, Oscar and Cuz come to mind first) that may have made her say Fuck It and just jump into the pool of craziness she is surrounded by. However, if Morning Person goes crazy, it will mean a man, chocolate ice cream and staying up past 9:00pm, and a part of me, while worried about her, is almost hoping she has embraced all three. However, she will not say anything as she as secretive as a cat and sometimes just as aloof, but when I am ready to mind someone else’s business again, I will press her as to what she has been up to.   

 Artsy Craftsy: I think Quiet One and Pregnant One have kidnapped her. Seriously. She has been so busy lately with work, remodeling her house, preparing for the holidays AND she is trying to finish making her Thanksgiving artsy craftsy stuff. So she has pretty much been incognito. She tells me to just let time do its work on my situation and to not stir the pot……whatever will happen, will happen sooner or later and a watched pot never boils. She wants me to heal, and concentrate on the other areas of my life that while not falling apart, could definitely use some shoring up and the woman makes sense.

Pregnant One: The woman has had 10 million baby showers and has enough baby things to fill a storage facility. She is busy sorting gifts, writing thank you cards and trying to figure out who will have the best spread for Thanksgiving.  Her back hurts, her belly is stretching and her feet are swelling so she has become the Mistress of Multi-Tasking While Sitting Down. She is helping me stand strong and not cave in to my softer feelings for him and she has a friend who has her own drama…pretty similar to my fiasco except girlfriend is married to her guy, which brings so many other variables into play. Pregnant One is glad others have drama….less for her and it takes her mind off of the fact that a due date is rapidly approaching.

 Chef:   He is forgetting his problems (the holidays put him in a funk now) by getting all involved in mine. He is now likening my situation to last week’s Redskins/Eagles game. I call it The Night Philly Came to Town and the paper even said the Redskins were “Vick-timized”. In any case, according to Chef, yes it was embarrassing and humiliating, but it does not have to be the end of the season…a comeback is still possible and in the grand scheme of things, all it is is a loss. One loss and the Skins have snagged a playoff spot with a worse record. I just listen to him because in my opinion, yes it is just one loss, but it is the loss everyone will remember. Hell, that score/loss will knock the fact that we have lost to the Detroit Lions two years in a row out of the box.         

 Quiet One: She is finally back from vacation and is busy unpacking, trying to get caught up at work and prepare for Thanksgiving. She asked me one question: have you talked to or heard from him? When I told her I was standing strong and he was being stubborn, she said: Okay. Bye. I cannot help but to love her.                                                                

Girlfriend: She is preparing for her annual family vay-cay and enjoying being single. She is still waiting for her rock star YES moment and has another ex-boyfriend who is wanting to come back…yet, not only is he still carrying baggage….he still has a current girlfriend. And dude wonders where she is coming from when she says she can never trust him again.  

 Cuz: He is in a funk but not a deep one. He has good days and bad days but at least he can speak in a calm tone of voice and not threaten physical violence. He is trying to detox his one great love out of his system as he says he is not carrying her into 2011. I hope he can do so ….we both the same promise at the end of 2009 and look where we are now.           

 Buddy: Buddy is doing pretty good….he got fired from his job but qualifies for unemployment, he can freely admit he is in a relationship with Psycho-Stalker Chick and he saw Forrest Gump for the first time the other night. He has asked me to be his Jenny, which would be sweet if Jenny weren’t such a whore who died at the end of the movie.             

 Oscar: Still crazy. She loved the blog post about her and told me she did not realize she had been riding such a roller coaster until she saw it in print. She is going to slow down and see if there is a future with Mr. Minor. I am charging my phone, leaving my inbox open  and waiting on stand-by.      

 So this is all from the Panel…I have some Independent Consultants who are doing their own thing: Artistic One has started her new adventure…..she moved to another state this weekend with her boyfriend. She BETTER call and write..often. I have another IC I will call The Greek….he is half crazy (do I know any other type of people?), extremely political  and sick as hell. He wants me to come over and make him some soup, which I would do in a heartbeat except the man is only accessible by car, which I do not have one. Maybe I will see if there is a deli or carryout in his area that will deliver it to him. 

 Well, I am done for the night….I spent the weekend cleaning (YAY, me!) and typing/writing. Today I worked my butt off, and received phone calls from Married Man AND Pantyhose Dude….whatever to both although Pantyhose Dude have made a tentative date for next week. More than  likely I will blog again on Wednesday and have no idea what I will talk about….maybe Thanksgiving. Guess we will all find out together, huh? Have a good one and talk soon, people.

Girl Gone Wild

Today, I am finally going to tell you guys about Oscar and what she is going on with her. After spilling my guts in yesterday’s post and the process/emotions taking me in a totally different direction than I wanted the post to go in, it is time to mind someone else’s business. Even though I barely scratched the surface of all that we were sexually, you probably still know waaay more than you need to and the thing is…I wasn’t even going to talk about MY sex life.  I was going to talk about the strange sex people have….like the guy who has sex with fruit and peanut butter (he has Oscar and I wondering what mashed bananas would feel like) or the guy who gets sexually aroused blowing up balloons and orgasms when he pops them (Chef and I cannot figure out what the deal is with THAT, but I am veering towards a latex fetish)….NOT about my sex life with him, but I guess what came out is what needed to come out. For what, I have no idea because I am confused and saddened and wonder now if all we were and what we felt together was just on me.

I told you guys Oscar is calling dibs on crazy, and truly she is. The girl has deep rooted issues that need to be addressed by a trained professional and I do not say that to be mean, cruel or even funny. Like the majority of us, she knows she has them and unlike the majority, she knows she needs help to get to the root of the problem. She cuts herself, she contemplates suicide and she uses sex and emotions to hide from her realities. Oscar is in over her head and there are days she is drowning and it is only by holding onto the hands of her mother, her son and myself she has not gone under for good. When we last left Oscar, she had decided to forgive Him, Jr. his physical assault on her and was going to stay with him. Well, that blew up in her face as Him, Jr. turned out to be the World’s Second Biggest Asshole who used her and inflicted even more pain. He used his son as a weapon to stay close to her yet keep her at arm’s length. He would get his son for visitation and leave him at the house with HIS brother while he went out partying, to hockey games and to meet his new girlfriend. He has had the girlfriend over there while he had his son ( the baby actually came home and told Oscar “Daddy had a woman over and I don’t like her”), ignored the baby when he was there and here is the kicker:  the “woman” who has captured his heart and he actually calls his girlfriend and who he claims to love……he walks to school in the morning. The girlfriend is underage!! I wonder if he packs her lunch also?  She is in high school and he is a grown man. The Law & Order Special Victims Unit would love this guy.

Needless to say, Oscar did not take the news well, and she went off in a direction that had my mouth hanging open and had Morning Person and Pregnant One shaking their heads. Oscar went off on the girl….calling her at 3am when she knew the girl (I am going to call her Miss Minor) was spending the night with Him, Jr.; telling Miss Minor all about her history with Him, Jr. and what sexual acts he liked performed on him; telling the child all about her communications with Him, Jr. and once during a conversation with Him, Jr. demanded he put the girl on the phone. Of course, Him, Jr. (I am abbreviating him to HJ) ate this shit UP and would call Oscar telling her ALL of their business and even told Oscar Miss Minor was pregnant! THAT proved to be too much for Oscar and after repeated warnings and admonishments from me, called the girl and told her all…which the girl promptly denied and even called HJ on a 3-way to prove her innocence. It was also around this time that Oscar met a guy who was 10 years her senior and claimed to have had this long time crush on her and asked her to be his girlfriend. I TOLD Oscar do NOT go there….this dude was bad news. First, he was 10 years older, and the long time crush….Oscar is a baby herself (a young baby), so please define long time crush? Second, he told her he did not care if she was still hung up on HJ…they would work through it together. Really? WHAT man do you know of who willingly wants drama? Third, he DID work, but still could not provide Oscar with anything…..he had no car, Oscar has no free time or flexible schedule so he would meet the girl outside for “dates”. No food, no going to the bar for a drink….making out on a stoop is what he offered. To be fair, he invited Oscar over twice when she did have a night off from the baby, but when she did go over, all she talked about was HJ….and because this dude and HJ worked together, Oscar could still keep tabs on not only HJ but the relationship. AND this crazy dude obliged her, which makes him crazier than she is as she has a reason for her craziness. I knew Oscar had no feelings for this dude…yes, she found him cute and sexy, but the one time she had to seal the deal with him, she got drunk, indulged in a 3some and went over to dude’s place; she claimed sick and went back home to give one half of the Dynamic Duo she had JUST had sex with another round.  Even HJ told Oscar she was settling and could do better, and whatever she did, DO NOT sleep with that dude. Turns out HJ was on the money, as this guy was needy, crazy and clingy. He sent Oscar the world’s longest text message begging her to give him one more chance, he LOVED her and please do not leave him…and when Oscar agreed to one more try (Oscar knew she was not in love and finally realized she was not ready for anything), dude dumped her on Facebook…and not in a private email…he did it on the home feeds!!

Oscar was not crushed and thanked her lucky stars she dodged THAT bullet and it was around this time one of her best friends was tragically killed in a car accident. Grieving, bored and reality setting in fast, Oscar decided to resume her stalking of HJ via Facebook, and seriously, I KNOW from experience the quickest way to have reality come smack you in the face is to go snooping. You always find out things you do not need to know, no matter how recent or old it is and Oscar found that HJ and Miss Minor has put up profile pics of themselves together and kissing….and Oscar was back in the spiral. This time, she hooked up with a guy I will call Mr. Minor …I even asked her if he and Miss Minor share a homeroom. In any case, Oscar, Mr. Minor and the baby spent a day playing ball in the park, and she hooked up with him later than night to go not one, not two….but four rounds with him and now…she is in love. She says this guy has wiped all thoughts of HJ from her mind, he is all she can think about and she has pictures of him everywhere. She calls/texts him every day and prays every time she gets a communication, it is from him. She cannot eat, she cannot sleep…all she can do is think about him. I keep telling her she is running from the inevitable….she is hurting like hell and trying to recapture what she had with HJ, but right now she and HJ are no longer together and she is trying to find a substitute. She told me she was processed and this was the real deal…..but even she admits that this guy reminds her of HJ BEFORE the baby came, when it was just she and him. She says that the day in the park had her thinking of a real family …what she has always wanted with HJ. She has told the guy how strong her feelings are for him and how she has to break it off and he understood, but now Oscar wants him back. She wants to be free to obsess over him and to feel him again, be with him again. Yet, I still believe it is not Mr. Minor but HJ she longs for. All I know is this is a ball of confusion. Oh, and to make it even MORE confusing…one of her best friends who is a gay virgin kissed her and felt her up the other night. Complete and utter madness people, although I will cut them both some slack….she was drunk and since he is still a virgin, perhaps he is  bisexual and not a flat out homosexual.

I am pretty much finished putting another person’s business out there…it is all confusing, frustrating and to me, it sounds almost incestuous as these people all run in the same circles and maybe inter-related (they’re not really, but I feel that way sometimes) ….it is like Archie and the Gang passing Betty and Veronica around. I want Oscar to slow down, think things over, work things out with herself and THEN make a move. I want her to remember her talents and goals and dreams….concentrate on those. Like me, she is impatient and impulsive, but Time and the Universe will not be rushed and rushing into the first thing to come along when you are still holding on to past loves and hurts does more harm than healing. I want to say I  sincerely hope this did not come across as judgmental in any way because no one is judging. Every Panel member is fucked up in their own way and we all are going through something. Some of us have been where she is and we talk to her and give advice so her road will not be so hard to travel, but we know everyone has to go through what they have to go through. We LOVE Oscar and have only her best interest at heart; she is there for us and as best we can, we are there for her…..just because she called dibs on crazy doesn’t mean the rest of us aren’t crazy right along with her. I am going to end this post in her own words (yes, another poem by my baby!!) and next time we can meet Chef and maybe get caught up with other Panel members.

Little girl, it wasn’t long ago you’ve wished upon a star. You’ve lost sight of who I am, I’ve never forgotten who you are. Little girl, you’ve learned the difference, although it isn’t clear. I believe it shows inside your eyes, through every shedded tear. Little girl, so much has changed, your features, more complex. Your upbringing, your lifestyle, the challenges you’ve faced, I see that you’ve been blessed. Little girl, he is your little one, I am watching from afar. As he grows into the man he will become, he is wishing on a star.

Let’s Talk About Sex

I know I have not blogged…..I would apologize but you guys know I would have been here sooner if I could have. I am really riding the see-saw and my emotions are all over the place; however, I am again focused on the real reason for all of this. The man does not know how to treat me and this is why I had to go off on him and become a bad person. The speculation/rhetorical questions concerning the BTH is nothing more than a tangent which I allowed to become a distraction. I am not a naïve person and I know that there will be others my partner may find more attractive or physically appealing; of course, in a healthy relationship, my partner would realize all I brought to the table and would know I am simply beautiful and genuine inside and out and if they didn’t, they would know how to properly end what it is we have. Unfortunately, I was not in a healthy relationship and his unhealthiness reared my issues and unhealthiness……and here we are. He does not know how treat me, I do not know how to take the higher road and I go from loving him at 10am and hating him and all that is him at 10:15am.

This emotional roller coaster is driving me crazy, but no one can call dibs on crazy right now as Oscar has claimed the title and shows no signs of relinquishing it anytime soon. I promise to tell you guys about THAT situation before the weekend is over. I want to stick with the part of me that says that the guy is a lame loser, unworthy of my friendship and love and I see firsthand why he always gets left and is alone. The part of me that loves him though…..the part that understands where he is, that knows how fractured he is and the reasons for running from healthy….that part feels for him, is sad for him and wants to save him from himself. The part of me that loves him knows how wonderful he is in certain areas and does not want to imagine life without being with him again; I want us to be naked, doing naughty, naughty things with him and my body is calling for him. Yes, I am horny…..and right now, only his touch and what he brings me will do.

Our sex life was the ONE thing that never, ever came under fire or scrutiny, even when certain dysfunctions came into play. In fact, the problems, the issues never arose until AFTER we were sexual; trust me, we did not call/email each other cursing the other out then jumped into the bed. Everyone  except Cuz and Morning Person agreed that we were simply too intense; Morning Person says we are both crazier than hell and Cuz called us some perverted bitches. I have told you I was a trained professional so I brought experience with things like 3somes, Domme/sub, public sex, fetishes and even a toilet sport experience. He came with experience in couple swapping, public sex and a host of twisted fantasies. We both enjoyed porn (I introduced him to tranny and gay porn…I am sorry, but men know how to suck a dick and he LOVES not only receiving but watching blowjobs and he introduced me to orgy porn) and we share a breast fetish.  We would email each other at work  fantasies regarding the more taboo things we found erotic, and all bets were off when we did get together.  We have had sex in his front doorway with the door wide open (his house faces a busy street), in the kitchen with the windows wide open, and have run around his backyard naked, ending up in the hot tub.

In the bedroom, we have used toys…even strapping a dildo on to keep the party going ( please note that the toys/strap-on/dildos were only used on me); he dominated me to the point I was craving it…I would deliberately be rude and insubordinate to feel his strong hands spank my ass. I have always been the dominant partner and to be submissive to this man?? I loved it then and crave it still….my last spanking had my ass red, welted and I honestly could not sit or lay on it. Now, without him, I feel like the girl in Secretary who is trying to spank herself to recapture that feeling. He has blindfolded me, restrained me with both cloth and metal handcuffs ( he says most women want a man over to replace a light bulb or fix a leaky faucet, not tie them up), we have had fights and wrestled for control in the bed, and he overpowered me every time and believe me when I tell you I put up a good fight. There is no fun in it if you don’t. He has pulled my hair, called me dirty, dirty names and his tongue and fingers??? I am feeling waves of sexual deliciousness roll over me as I type this. He is extremely oral, and it would start with a kiss…..his kiss was simply the best thing ever. I would have been content to let our tongues explore each other’s mouths, but he had other plans. I was his dinner and dessert and he was  a hungry man. With him, I discovered what it meant to receive pleasure from your partner’s pleasure as I would happily lay there like a baby with a pacifier and pleasure  him orally for hours (and I do mean hours) on end.  When I rolled on top of him to allow him to indulge his breast fetish……we both had sighs and moans of satisfaction. And afterwards, when we were both spent and had cleaned each other up…..laying in each other’s arms kissing, cuddling and sharing secrets and feeding each other dinner? If there is anything closer to paradise or perfection when we are together sexually….I have no idea what it is and right now, do not want to find out as right now, everything and everyone else will fall flat.

Yes, I definitely miss the sexual aspect of us and yet…..I would be content to just be with him: looking, laughing and talking. I have never felt this way before towards any man and I do wonder why he did what he did; I wonder what happened and why was I not enough. I ask myself how a man who called me the best lover ever, who said I was beautiful, sexy and kinky as hell (and he loved it that way), the man I would call when I was about to pleasure myself and let him listen could be the same man I am now heartbroken over. The man who would have the stupidest grin on his face and a skip in his step after a weekend with me…. the man who said he cared for and enjoyed me in all aspects is now the man who treated me like shit and is angry with me for returning the same actions to him. I don’t understand it and it raises my issues and while it is not the searing pain it used to be, it is still painful.

So, I love him, I hate him and I am horny…..and cannot call dibs on crazy so I lay low and watch porn.  I never used the toys alone, so I have not used the toys since we broke up  but I hold onto them…..just in case. Later this weekend I will tell you guys about Oscar’s drama and next week will finally introduce you guys to Chef and Girlfriend and talk about Thanksgiving. Right now, I need to be alone as I have further confused and sexually frustrated myself with this post.