Forging a Path

It is Saturday afternoon, and I SHOULD be telling you guys all about the fun time I had last night with Fun One, but we had to re-schedule. He had to work late (he was actually in a meeting 15 minutes after our meet time, and according to him it had just started) and it was a little too chilly and windy for a waterfront walk anyway. So I came home, ate junk food and slept. I talked to Morning Person and Artsy Craftsy and processed, and while I do not think I am anywhere near done, I am making more progress than I know and I think I have found a path which allows me to get a better grasp on the situation and will eventually lead me home.

I still hear tidbits about him, and I am not at the point where I DON’T want to hear, but it is also at the point where it doesn’t hurt the way it used to. Perhaps he has hurt me so much it really doesn’t matter….kind of like shooting a dead horse. Yes, it hits the animal, but he no longer feels the pain. He is in a place past the pain, and I think that is where I am. It goes beyond being numb….it is as if I am emotionally dead. Seriously, if he went to Vegas and married the BTH, that would shock me but not hurt me. All my worst case scenarios came true when he left me for her and in the manner he left…..sleeping with her, falling in love with her…whatever is done with her now would simply come with the territory. We are no longer together. Morning Person says that blame falls on both of us, but no way will I or can I allow myself to be 2nd place again….I did that with the married man (and that was my choice) and I was not choosing that spot again. Frankly, it would have been 3rd place as everyone will be 2nd place to his issues and demons. The man has the right to live his life as he sees fit. I may see the mistakes that he is making , but I no longer have the right to voice my opinions to him, no matter how good my intentions are. Yes, he hurt me in making his choices and in how he carried his agenda, but that is on him, not me. One day he may realize what  he did and how much it hurt both of us, and maybe he won’t. I cannot make him see it, and all I can do is not allow it to happen again. When he returns, I will not allow him to just waltz back in and forget that any of this happened;  I have said it before…people make mistakes, but how many chances do you give a person? How many times do they need to get their act together?  I know for me, it took me hitting rock bottom and just being sick and tired and knowing there was a better way. I had to KNOW in my mind and my heart that I was a better person, capable of doing more than just selling my ass for a dime piece of crack. And maybe this fiasco occurred not only for him to realize what I offer and what we had together but for me to realize that I can do better than a man who can only offer what I need on a part of a part-time basis. When he returns, I have questions: What will be different this time? Do you finally know how to treat me? Are you willing to make the changes necessary so that physical violence will not be needed?  And it was not that long ago, I would never question his return….I would take it and be happy to have it, but now? Day by day, I seem to make it through without him being a part of my routine and guess what? I am not dead or dying and slowly it is feeling less like hurt.

I am discovering that with or without him, I am still the funny, edgy chick. I still carry my beauty and light and while it has been diminished, it is not extinguished. I was told I was a bright, shining coin who needs someone who will polish me, not tarnish me. I am a rare jewel who needs to be appreciated and some people will not know my worth…..I will be the one overlooked in their search for brightly colored stones, or my sparkle and clarity will be too intense for them. Or maybe they will realize my worth and they will be scared to be responsible for such wealth. With or without him, I am still blunt and honest with everyone, including myself. With or without him, I am still sexy, cute and a good friend. Yes, he brought something to my world that is missing, but apparently I can live without it, and while I miss it terribly….I am done paying the price. I have been listening to Beth Orton lately….and I love Beth. She has a song that says you lose it, only to find it and then walk right by it…and she is done spending another minute in Hell pretending it is Heaven. Today, I’m with Beth. The soul and the spirit each have their own limit, and I have reached mine.

 When this fiasco first went down, I was asked how many times can your heart break, and I believe as often as you put it out there, regardless if it is the same person or not. So this time around, I am going to not rush back in….I am going to process and safeguard my heart. I am going to work on me ( there is a reason all the guys I allow in turn out to be crazy ass cowards). I will know when I am ready to take a chance again, whoever it may be.  Analysis of us and what happened will still happen, but I am becoming my own worst enemy with speculation. However he feels about her, I will never know. Whether he misses me and did he ever feel anything for me…..thoughts that have no answers I will ever know about and does it matter? He had all the information and still chose to make the decision he did and I am realizing that it is not a reflection of me or my beauty or attributes….it is a reflection of him and what he felt he needed. Why worry if he is happy…I know I’m not and my happiness comes before his; why wonder if he knows he fucked up. I already know he does and again, he will never admit it. I am doing the best I can to squash the speculation when it arises and at least I can finally say it is a rhetorical question rather than put it out there for the Panel to try and answer. Hell, I put the questions to him and he couldn’t even come up with an answer, so if the author of the work can’t answer the questions, who can?

I still read the horoscopes and again we both pretty have the same horoscope: we are both missing that certain person and want to reach out regardless of how we left things; no sense in missing them when you don’t have to, but changes will have to be made for a different ending. Sounds good and a month ago it would be music to my eyes/ears, but I am making changes and my changes right now are not allowing him entry. My changes will bring about a difference and it will be for more and to go further and  I am not making deals with God for a picture perfect reconciliation…..I will continue to state I want the man I fell in love with, not this idiot.  Yes, I am still in love and at this point, it is what it is. No one has asked me to NOT love him….just do so from afar which if I am going to be real about it….I probably always have as he kept his masks on and electrified fences up except when we were naked. I am not going to rush the process or pray for a man. I am going to let Higher Power do what It does and I will be patient. It is time to sit still, clear the drama and clutter and watch, listen and learn. It is time to know the path that will lead me back home.


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