I wasn’t going to blog tonight…..I am in a place where I am angry. Deeply angry at both myself and him. I do not really want to talk to anyone but I did chat briefly with Artsy Craftsy and Oscar today and they understand. I am glad SOMEONE does because I don’t. It is supposed to be pretty cut and dried, but I am guessing when coupled with how deeply I loved him, how much of myself I gave to this relationship and my unhealthiness and issues, it is not going to be a walk in the park but can it stop for a day a least? Can I PLEASE have one day where it is not about him and the whys, whats and hows. Where it is not about fighting back tears, and the dread and the tightness in my heart? It has been 3 weeks since we have had contact and it is not because either of us has moved on…we each have our reasons for no communication but seriously….what the hell ever happened to “out of sight, out of mind”? Not only does absence make the heart grow fonder, it drives you freaking insane in the process. But I am holding on and holding strong….I have faced and been in worse situations and I am still standing, but this shit has knocked me to my knees. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, yet tonight on Grey’s there was a storyline about a woman who needed a simple operation; it went without a hitch and Bailey was so happy to see an end to the operation. The woman had come in on the day of the fatal shootings at the hospital and never got her surgery, but she survived being shot herself by the killer by playing dead. So tonight, she had the surgery and everything was great…..and she never woke up. The woman who went in for a simple operation to make everything better and right and okay slipped into a coma and her husband had to pull the plug as she had no brain activity and was becoming septic. The Chief wondered how a woman could survive a crazed killer and not a simple operation and while it is interesting television….it makes me wonder. How can a simple procedure designed to make right what is wrong GO wrong?
Will I have faced down rapists, physically abusive men, crack addiction and homelessness only to fall victim to a broken heart? Maybe I HAVE run out of steam and what people see as strength is merely a mask just so I can through the day to day routine of living….and like everyone I wonder sometimes why we even go through the motions? One day we will all die, and can we take our paychecks with us? Will we be able to be buried in our homes and apartments and condos that we spend so much money on every month? Will our jobs keep our office or cubicle empty and place fresh flowers on our desks in our memory? Our clothes, cars and jewelry….will they go with us? See, I am in a DOWNER of a mood and Morning Person would call it a pity party, but I don’t. I call it getting honest in a way most people never do, and if they do, they DO NOT share it with others. We ALL have the thoughts and emotions I blog about, but no one talks about them because we are all so fucking okay and well adjusted. She calls everything a pity party if I am not being upbeat and positive and happy; she wants me to see the big picture and further down the road, and I can’t. Not today. Today, I am stuck and I am hurt and I am angry and all I can see is the wreck in the rearview. And the sad part is ,I am not even stuck on wanting him back or going back to what used to be as I refuse to go back to what he has become and what he has shown me he more than likely has always been. I am stuck in the middle….scared to close one door completely and unable to open a new one. Change is taking place and I am scared to death of facing it.
What I am learning is that the Universe will not allow us to stay stuck in any place for too long; you can make the necessary moves on your own and of your own free choice and will, or you can let the Universe do it for you….and you really will not like it when the Universe does it for you. I am being pushed and for real, I want everyone and everything to just back the fuck off. I will move when I am ready yet, here I am being taken for a ride and I have NO idea where I will end up. This is not a vacation where I know the plane will land in Seattle or San Francisco or I know the ship’s itinerary…..this is my LIFE and I know people say the joy is in the journey, but this is not the trip I planned and what joy can be found in heartbreak, hurt and pain?; And I HATEHATEHATEHATE him for thrusting me onto this path instead of preparing me for the fact that trains may be changing when pulls into the station; that would allow me to choose which route to travel. I definitely would have chosen a more scenic route and a more direct route. Seriously.
This is so not what I was going to talk about so I guess that topic will be a blog post for another day and proof that the process is doing something: not only is it releasing honesty that I did not know was there, it has revealed another emotion that has lain dormant: fear. I am looking around at my apartment and while I asked earlier why do we bother to go through the routines, I need to clean this place up. It is not a complete disaster yet, but getting close, and if I did not care on some level, I would not even notice it is going downhill, let alone want to get a handle on it. Maybe we go through the routines because we are not born today and die tomorrow…in between we live, we laugh and we love. We want comfortable existences to make the journey more palatable as life is hard enough already; we find comfort in hot food, clean sheets, a relaxed environment that promotes peace and is pleasing to the eye. Maybe I cannot have one day of peace now because I will have so many peaceful days coming that I will not know what to do with them. I will not be stuck forever but right now it seems like it…. but one day I will be able to close and open doors with ease. First, I have to conquer the fear (let me add THAT one to the list), and right now I need to recharge the batteries so I will have the strength and energy needed to battle the issues and demons that need taming. Now I need to go to bed (it is after midnight) and Friday is trick or treat day in the office; I plan to scoop lots of chocolate and I am going to be the chick that is offering pills and cigarettes to all the trick or treaters….really. I have bought Motrin, Advil and Tylenol tablets to put in my trick or treat bowl. At least I won’t be the person that hands out pencils and toothbrushes.