I have seen the Big Tittied Hooker…well, a picture of her at least and people, I am shaking my head and holding back laughter. Seriously? All I can say is I can see why everyone thought he had taken an escort……a certain lack of class was evident in this chick; so evident it came though even in a photograph. She comes across as one of those cocky and overconfident chicks who makes up for what she lacks in looks by reading one too many self help books and owning stock in Revlon or L’Oreal. And I could be wrong….she may be sweet and nice and kind with healthy doses of self esteem, but somehow I doubt that. Trust me, I am not being catty…I think I have been pretty objective and honest throughout this entire ordeal and I plan to stay that way.
All of this came about because I was chatting with Pregnant One last night: we were bored, I was curious and I know any woman who has been through this type of break up has been in this position: it does not matter who you got dumped for (dumped is dumped), but you would love to see the woman who has pushed you out of the box. In any case, Pregnant One is at the stage of the pregnancy where she can actually countdown weeks versus months and she needed a distraction, and I was bored, in pain (physical) and just surfing the net and we decided to look up the woman up. We had ZERO idea where to begin, but Facebook seemed like a good idea. Who the HELL with any sort of a computer and little bit of typing skill ISN’T on Facebook? I thought of the friend of a friend trick ( yeah, I am sneaky)…..and we found something promising. Then we had to get Artsy Craftsy on the line as she HAS seen pictures of the woman and Artsy Craftsy was NOT in a good mood: long day at work, hungry, headachy and here Pregnant One and I are, asking her to endorse our stalking of a person. Well, she IS a member of my Panel (and a high ranking one at that), so of course she agreed and we have a pretty positive identification AND a name. We are not sure how old the picture we saw was, but it is more recent than those he has, but there were no big titties (we are thinking implants or a serious push up bra)……but other variables pretty much pinpointed her and Artsy Craftsy confirmed that this is the chick. And seriously, all I wanted was to see her, but Pregnant One must be a private investigator or something when we aren’t looking because we know pretty much more than we wanted to and actually has me thinking that this chick may not even live in the area. Just because he says he met her here does not mean she lives here.
Again, I am NOT jealous of this woman….never was, never will be. For what? What happened is between he and I, and the woman is not the best looking thing I have seen. It ALMOST begs the question what does she have that I don’t, but maybe that is the style and caliber of woman he is used to; it is obvious he either does not want or he can’t handle what I have and offer. She had on the tackiest ever wig, and it is obvious she cannot even put her hair on straight. That wig was crooked as hell and I just want to give her a mirror. We saw nappy naps and beady beads and I swear, I have seen a corpse wear less makeup. Her features have her looking like a poor man’s version of Erykah Badu, and the first word that popped in my head after seeing her picture was “fake”. Artsy Craftsy says she looks like a frog and Pregnant One says that I definitely win the looks contest, hands down. She wondered what the hell the two of them see in each other. Of course we shared with the rest of the Panel and a couple of ICs. Oscar’s response: Ewwww. She is thinking HE is too good and too good looking for HER and I gave you the Panel’s opinions on his looks. Cuz says he will not comment AT ALL, but that maybe he and I need to make eye appointments together. Morning Person does not condone stalking in any way, but for real, she is as nosy as the rest of us, and she will not comment one way or another except to wonder what was he thinking, and to say definitely I am the best thing ever…..but she is my oldest friend and surrogate mom. What else is she going to say? Oh, I forgot…..Morning Person also says the woman could be sitting butt naked on his desk, and she still will not believe that the woman existed after they parted ways in the parking lot after the party. Girlfriend is shaking her head and an Independent Consultant has stated that she WAS on his side and hoping I would find it in my heart to forgive him and we would try again….and the operative word here is “was”. She has stated that he is definitely settling, a man that damned dumb deserves to be alone for the rest of his days, and if I break the no communication rule, I had better start looking for another friend. I have a new IC whom has declared himself to be my new BFF and he has stated the BTH to be a female gremlin, and has a picture to prove it. Quiet One said to mourn and move on, then asked what was my game plan.
Game plan? I do not have a game plan and seeing this chick does not motivate me to get one. Obviously the woman existed: he took her to a party and put up pictures of her. MY seeing her does not make her any more or any less real. I am not trying to woo him back or break them up ( if there is anything there)……I WAS trying to get accountability, an explanation and an apology from him. I am trying to make sense of this entire fiasco, and there is no game plan for that. You simply cannot apply logic to a crazy person and he cannot offer anything when he feels that he did nothing wrong (oh, the joys of delusion and denial!!) and what he did offer I took simply because to NOT accept it would drag things out longer than necessary (as if they haven’t been already). I am not going to sit in a car with binoculars and a notepad to do surveillance on his house or his office, I am not going to do a dump on his phone…..he is over there and I am over here. Yes, I love him….more than words can describe and more than anyone including him will ever know; but this time around, too much damage has been done and no one has an idea how to repair the damage, so we will leave the ruins where they are. I will attempt to clean it up as best I can via the process because I do not need THAT with me as I move on. I have enough issues and baggage as it stands already.
So there is no game plan….there IS a daily plan where I will endure my process, and go where it takes me. The process has me going back and forth with my feelings towards him, but the one thing that gets me riled up EVERY time is his cowardice, and his hollering about his “honor and integrity.” All I can do is cock an eyebrow and dare him to spell them because he has shown me honor and integrity are spelled: deceit and liar. I even told him I should not expect honesty from him as he does not even give it to himself, but that is another story with no ending as he never said anything to that statement. So I will laugh and cry, feel anger and hurt, and work on falling out of love but none of it can be rushed. I have made SO much progress already and I am saying things I never thought I would, being more honest than I ever want to be and there is no goal here. The first time around, I was gung ho about being back with this man and making it work and all I would and not do to get it right. This time……I just want to be healthy and I want to be happy for the long term and there is no quick fix. IF he can put forth the effort, hard work and changes necessary, he MAY be welcome to come along for the ride, (if the process is not complete, the Panel and ICs will have to convene and decide as I know I am softhearted when it comes to him) but I am having no problems doing the journey solo. This time around I am remembering history so I am not doomed to repeat it. He made his choice (seriously, I go from being the only woman to sleep with you in 3 years, offering love, friendship and sharing kink I had only heard about to becoming a side piece to a BTH??) and left me with none but to endure a process and more than likely go on without him. If he regrets his choice, tough. If he misses me and wants to try again…too bad. I am NOT going through this hellified process to go through it again…at least not over the same man I’m not. Besides, I have NO idea where his lips have been and after seeing for myself what this chick looks like, if they have been THERE…..Ewwwwwww.