The process has me losing my mind. Seriously. It has me losing my mind and today, it has me being incredibly immature and calling him names. I am so incredibly pissed and angry today, I cannot believe I was even so nice and forgiving towards him the past couple of days. I mean, today he is a yellow bellied, fat assed coward and liar. Today he is Frodo. No, wait….Frodo is probably too cute for him. Frodo was a hobbit, right? Not quite sure a hobbit looks like, but the name sounds cute, and today, he is anything but cute. He is a combination of Yoda, Jabba the Hut and the troll from the Billy Goat Gruff fairy tale. He is bald, crooked footed and covered in liver spots and twisted from his head to his feet. Seriously. I cannot believe his nerve, his gall, and how the FUCK I could ever even consider anything with him again proves I need to get back on and stick with my medications. He is a bitch, a bastard and the lamest loser ever to grace the face of the earth. I know I said it before but it bears repeating: he is a coward, a liar, completely delusional and I need to stick my foot so far up that fat ass of his that when he speaks, people will be able to see my toes.
Obviously, I am in no condition to say anything to anyone right now and probably need Jesus. So today, I am going to let the Panel speak up on their thoughts of the process so far, and give their opinions on the whole damned thing. After all, they are going through it with me, and lately I have just been giving my thoughts and feelings.
Morning Person: Morning Person will be glad when I fall out of love with him. Hell, she can endure the process….she is waiting for that small piece of me that is still holding on to hope to let it go. She is waiting for me to let acceptance fully in the door. She is proud of me for standing fast in my commitment to not contact him (Day 17!) and proud that I realize that he is no longer a part of the equation. What happens from here on out will involve me sorting through the tangle of emotions and putting my heart back together. What she wants me to work on now is my resolve……he will return and she cautions it won’t be now when I can tell him to get lost and pretty much mean it. He will wait….and if there is one thing that man has is patience. So when I least expect it, he will return and he will be saying all the right things, and she wants me to remember the hurt, the anger and the pain. She wants me to remember that he lied before and he will do so again, and he would have changed just enough to make me think that this time, it will work. She thinks this entire fiasco is the damnedest thing ever and she would really like to know just what in the hell he was thinking when he set this crap in motion. Or maybe she doesn’t….Oscar, Cuz and I are keeping her hands full and hair gray enough.
Artsy Craftsy: Artsy Craftsy actually thinks that this time around is better than the first time we went through a breakup. She still wants us to work it out…..she has seen the happiness I bring him and she knows the lifestyle changes I have made because of my love for this man. She wants us to get it right, or rather for him to get it right. However, if he is not showing signs of change, or takes too long to come around (really, what is there to think about?) she washes her hands of the entire situation and is dragging me into the bathroom with her to wash my hands also. She is for the no contact rule and is proud of me for not letting him get away with what can only be termed as utter bullshit. She wants him to come through with clear communication but that is so not going to happen. In fact, she is in charge of ordering us a new shipment of secret decoder rings as our current ones are pretty much worn out. People think I am joking when I say this, but Artsy Craftsy knows it to be the truth: When I worked on the Island, female smokers would not go down to the garage level where he would park because he was the creepy guy down there smoking cigars; I would laugh and assure them that it is okay…he was my boss. I really am the only woman (besides his wife, daughters, co-workers and 3 lovers before me) who will actually be alone in a room with this man. Even Artsy Craftsy will not be alone in a room with him unless it is work related, and to her it begs the question: why treat the only person in the world who obviously likes you if nothing else (and you obviously like something about her) as if you have options banging down your door and she needs to take a number?
Quiet One: She has never liked him…even before we became intimate and when things were good. She has simply never liked the man and has always thought I was the one with my head up my ass when it came to him. She is sitting and waiting with a box of Kleenex. She will either cry with joy when I turn him down, or cry tears of sorrow if I decide to give him another chance. I think if I choose the latter, she will dress all in black, sit Shiva in the office, fuck up his reports and cut her eyes at him when he questions her about it.
Cuz: He has surfaced long enough to tell me to buy a gun, pack my bags and move out of state. He believes that if a person cannot see, cannot hear or read…..they can feel, and sometimes a person just has to be shown what in the hell it is you are talking about. What I do with the gun is up to me and my mood that day, but he has my back and I better be ready to roll out once I have done what I need to do.
The Girlfriend: Like Quiet One, she has never liked him, and now she hates him. She knows now why he is such a loser with the ladies and why he is still a thought in m head is beyond her comprehension. She tells me constantly he is not worth it, and by it, she means anything. She has never understood what I see in him and why I felt he was worthy of me, but she understands the heart does what it does. She is happy I have made it as long as I have with no contact, and encourages me to keep it up. She is also reminding me that should I get weak and consider sending him an email or giving him a phone call, to have an interpreter handy as we will never understand a word he says in his defense or should he offer a sincere apology.
Oscar: As much as Oscar is for forgiveness, true love, soul mates and what is meant to be will be….she is telling me to keep walking. She is so angry at him this time around, she could eat matches and shitfire. Her new favorite phrase when it comes to him is: Fuck that! While she does not think he did any of this intentionally or that he meant to hurt me, she is at a loss to explain his lack of communication or his inability to give a straight answer. The fact that he will say I send him ugly emails yet will not tell me to STOP sending them, the fact that he read every one of them and has proven that terming his actions “high-schoolish” is giving him too much credit has her wondering what really happened to this man over the years, and that yes, I am too beautiful, intelligent, wonderful and sexy for him. To Oscar, at this point he can do nothing to earn my trust, respect and love and if he had all the money in the world, he still could not afford me.
The Chef: He has known him the longest (over 20 years) but Chef is MY friend and like Artsy Craftsy, he wants us to get it right, but he thinks the man is dumb, dense and is as stupid as he looks. He wants me to calm down, cool off and leave the ghetto at home….then go have a face to face talk with him. He wants us to clear the air, compromise and then just no more talking. Chef says we are the couple who either need to stay naked and indoors or simply never speak as verbal communication/conversation is not our strong point. Chef agrees that he does not know how to treat me or how to respond to a healthy, loving relationship, but he wants me to help him understand. Chef says that what we have is once in a lifetime (on his end, especially) and he does not want him to miss out on this….. Chef has seen some of what he has been through, and is so glad a woman like me entered his life. He does not want me to be the one that got away and who he falls in love with once I am gone forever. However, as I point out to Chef, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink. Chef just asks that I do not replace the love with anger and I keep an open mind.
Buddy: According to Buddy, I could gain another 200 pounds and still be too good for him. Buddy says that any man who treats a woman better as his secretary (and he had fantasies of me back then) than as his lover does not deserve a woman at all. Seriously, Buddy would rather me go through another Craigslist Experiment before taking up with him again. Buddy is neutral when it comes to him: he neither likes him nor does he not like him, but Buddy cannot stand stupidity; and being over half a hundred, if you do not know what you have right in front of your face is all you claim you have been looking for, he doesn’t deserve me and never did.
The group consensus is he fooled us all this time around, the BTH does not exist outside of the party or the appointment he made to get the pictures. A couple of us believe she does exist (kind of like Santa Claus and M&MS), and I waffle on my theory. Whether she exists or not, we can all agree that there is nothing there on either end and nothing has happened. He is a fool who can dish it out and not take it as evidenced by his lame ass excuse/explanation and the fact that after all this went down he was going to return my panties and porn in a bag and leave it at the reception desk to avoid facing me. The Panel says I DID go overboard and I have no excuse for that….right is right and wrong is wrong (when Morning Person and Girlfriend say I went too far, I must have said some serious shit). They know I love him and while they are not bashing him, they are giving me their truth and insight. They all want me to be happy on a long term basis and until this fool can break through enough to see and realize what he has in me and what we had together, they know I never will. I have to stick with the process, build up my resolve and if I am stuck, they are stuck with me. It won’t last forever….I just have to let time do what it does which hopefully will be to heal me, soothe me, move me on and help me better safeguard my heart.