The title is a little out there and may have you thinking I am going to either quote or compare my (former) relationship to the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, but I am not. I have never even read the book….men and women are both from Earth. I had thought of incorporating some horoscopes/astrology into it as I am still reading the horoscopes, lovescopes and numerology reports and we all know planets play a role in that. But, it is not about horoscopes or planetary alignments either. I will say we are both fire signs (Aries and Leo) and in numerology we are both odd ( he is a 1 and I am a 3) and for the past 3 days both horoscopes have been saying the same thing: his is telling him he is missing the person from whom he is separated, and he knows what will make him happy; just make the decision. Mine is telling me to cultivate patience and acceptance while I wait for the threads of my love life to become untangled.
Mars and Venus are from Roman mythology…..Mars was the Roman God of War and Venus was the Goddess of Love and Mars’ lover. Aphrodite is from Greek mythology and was the Goddess of Lust, Beauty and Love. You know how artists, writers and musicians claim to have muses? The inspiration that gives birth to their creativity? I think we all have muses and in this process, I consider these 3 figures to be mine. Have I mentioned how much I absolutely HATE the process? It has me confused, waffling and all I know for certain is that the time between meeting and finally leaving is sometimes called falling in love. The process helps you to fall out of love, it helps you to put what once was so wonderful behind you and maybe I am not ready to do that yet……maybe I want to recapture the wonderful. Yet, the process reminds me that both of us have to want to do that, and both of us have to be willing to practice acceptance, tolerance and be willing to make sincere amends and actually put forth the effort. So I have my muses to help me make sense of my flip flopping emotions, to help me accept acceptance and to maybe not hate the process so much because it is ultimately for my own good and the sanity of the Panel.
Mars, the Roman God of War was second only to Jupiter as far as importance to ancient Romans. The month of March is named after him and festivals were held in his honor in March and October. Mars is NOT one to fool with. You know the expression “at the drop of a hat”? Mars is ready before the hat hits the ground. Mars would declare war by opening the gates of his temple, so pretty much every time he left the house, he was out to kick someone’s ass. Mars is thunder and lightning; hurricanes and massive typhoons. He takes no prisoners and Mars questions every loving thought or moment I have. Yesterday I wrote that I regret hurting him, and Mars is scratching his head wondering why. This is not our first time going through this, and Dude is not new to my wrath. Whatever I said to him, he deserved it and pretty much asked for it when he opened the gates to my temple, releasing my issues. Whose fault is it that he started this crap, and I ended it? Is it my fault that I can kick his ass through the goal posts of hell and back? When I poured my heart out to him and he responded with some bullshit (he actually said, I WILL regain my inner strength), love went out the window and Mars sent the response. It shut him up for 3 weeks. Initially, Mars was the Roman God of fertility, so there is a lot of passion there….it just manifests itself with a lot of anger. Which makes sense as no matter how I feel about him on a given day…..love or hate, it is still passion and what I long for is indifference and frankly I do not think I will ever get that. Even before we became intimate, there was never any indifference between us. It has always been passionate, smoldering and threatening to boil over……it was so in the beginning and it is so now, at the end. Aphrodite allowed us to take the lid off and let it boil over for our physical encounters and Mars wants it off now to let the anger and hurt run rampant, but there must be boundaries.
Venus gives me that boundary. Venus and Aphrodite are almost the same person…both are Goddesses of love and beauty, but there is a difference. Venus is the Goddess of Spiritual Love, and Aphrodite is the Goddess of Physical Love. Venus was known for her fertility and her beauty inspired countless festivals and pageants; despite her numerous affairs with the Gods of Ancient Rome, she was known for her chastity. Venus believes that love is more than the physical and true love goes all the way to the soul. I am not sure if my love for him goes to my soul, but it runs deeply and is unconditional. In spite of this incredibly fucked up fiasco, in spite of his quirks and flaws…..I can still only see me with him and I can see him with only me. I am hurt and angry, but if he showed up hurt, sad and looking pitiful….I would hold him, tell him it’s okay and just be with him. For me, it does not have to be sexual when we are together. I have said it before and I will say it again: I would pay to see that man take a nap. I want to see the smile that only I can put on his face, and I want to feel the butterflies he STILL gives me after two years. Venus encourages me to put the hurt aside and to see the beauty in him versus the ugliness; Venus tells me to be patient and work on forgiveness so we can try again. Venus is a dreamer and an optimist who calms Mars down with her beauty, her smile and her charms. Venus has Mars thinking that maybe it is better to make love, not war.
Aphrodite…what can I say about her? According to legend, Aphrodite was born when Uranus’ genitals were cut off and tossed into the sea; from the sea foam arose Aphrodite and her beauty was known to cause jealousy and wars. She truly may be our driving force. I talk about our friendship, our mental and emotional connections, but the physical/sexual attraction was what brought us together and laid the foundation for everything else. Our chemistry? Seriously, I do not think I can even describe it and I do know I will never, never , never have it again with another. When I was angry I kept saying he had a limp dick and told you guys about the erectile dysfunction, but guess what? He still satisfied me beyond my imagination and it would appear, limp or not, I still want that part of him….along with everything else. With Aphrodite, we see only the beauty and good in each other, and when we are sexual…..time is suspended and we are perfect, in every way. I am beautiful and he is handsome (I think we are regardless but when we are together it is perfect beauty, like airbrushed, glossy magazine cover perfect); I am sexy and not fat, and he is my Adonis. (Those who have seen him are probably shaking their heads and I can hear Artsy Craftsy grunting before uttering, “Gross” in her 1980s Valley Girl way.) Together, we are without flaws and imperfections. Aphrodite allowed us to take off our masks completely and had us naked and vulnerable with each other in every sense of the words. We shared things sexual and emotional that no one should ever know and it was so right, so wonderful. I am not jealous, but I do not want him with another and truthfully, he does not want me with anyone else either. The thought of either of us doing to another what we did to each other…..it tears me up inside and causes him to do really immature things. Aphrodite is not worried about will we reconcile; she already knows and is waiting so she can remove the lid to allow us to explode and boil over in the most delicious, sensual and sinful of ways.
Three powerful emotions: anger, love and lust. Which one will dominate and are any of them ruled by the brain, or all ruled by the heart? I need common sense and acceptance to step up and break through to help me choose which path to take. Anger will not help either of us in the long run…..it will make me bitter and allow me to continue to hurt him and let’s be honest here: there is a difference between retribution and overkill. I think I am dangerously close to that line. If I choose sex, we will be okay for a little while, but beneath the passion of lust, will anything have been resolved? Will we really have forgiven and be ready to move on past the elephant in the room, or will the issues and inadequacies surface as soon as we part ways? Love may be the path to take: we will be able to forgive and forget and move forward in either direction. Except love is paired with understanding and what if our understandings are different now? Remember, we both have control issues and being two fire signs with all our compatibility, when we differ….. we differ. And let us not even think of his making a move without bringing along his mixed signals. What if I have forgotten how to read them? So what to do if we make amends, talk it out and we are not on the same page? What if I make a decision and here he comes, being all I want and need again? What if he fills my empty space and turns my grief to grace, only to do the same thing again? What if he still does not know how to treat me clothed the way he treats me naked? I cannot be on my knees again, holding on to only memories while my heart is shattered into a million pieces again. It is a vicious cycle and the hamster wheel keeps turning, but I am slowly pulling myself together. I can do nothing but endure until the answers come and they do not come easily.