Dazed and Confused

I know I have not blogged in a couple of days, and again, I am offering apologies. I have been in a fog of sorts. The process has started back up and I am feeling all kinds of emotions: anger, hurt, desire, despair, hope, love and worry. I feel as if I am moving in a dream or am stuck in a bad movie or maybe it is Groundhog Day….reliving the same day, the same events, over and over.  I am torn and impatient and Him and I are at an impasse…..he feels that HE is the victim and I am the villain, whereas I feel I am the injured party and he is the hit and run driver that has completely blindsided me. He is still being irresponsible, sending mixed signals and has no remorse as he says did nothing wrong…..confronted with an objective, factual recount, he has taken to hiding behind masks and shadows and thinks I am the bitch who has just gone completely crazy. I am trying to be as honest and objective as possible…..I have even compromised and admitted the role I played in the fiasco; NOT for an opportunity at reconciliation but for my closure so I can move forward and emerge healthier and stronger. Yes, we have the connection, the bonds and the ties that keep us together, but the price I am paying for the hours ( not days, weeks or months) of pleasure, bliss and completeness I get is, at this point in time, too high to pay. Seriously, if I were an animal, he would be jailed for cruelty to animals and his name would be Michael Vick.

I am worried….about Cuz. He has been in a dark, dark place where he cut himself off from the world and had taken to degrading and humiliating random sex partners. He says the voices were talking to him (The Committee is in FULL effect) and he was ready to go to an even darker place. He didn’t (or at least he is not admitting it) and says he is all right but there have been communications between him and his one great love. She is offering hope and happy endings….just give her more time. Yet the trust is broken and Cuz is already talking about the consequences she will suffer if she fucks him over again. And here is where I have to tell him……dude, she WILL fuck up again. She is unhealthy and fucked up and has not even bothered to pack her issues away in a bag; they are on display for all to see. You are unhealthy and your suitcase full of issues is overflowing and kept closed with pieces of string. Nothing has changed on her end……from what I know and can see, Cuz is the one who has done all he can to put forth the effort and compromise. He is the one who makes the treks to her place, he is the one who will make a sincere effort to try again (when he is not on a revenge tip), avoid past mistakes and do everything right. So I worry that he will go into this the same way I always re-enter my relationship with Him…..full of forgiveness, a serious case of amnesia and trusting with all his heart, only to have it broken again into a million little pieces. Where he will be left with huge holes and The Committee, Ego and Immaturity will carry him so far out into left field, he will never be seen again. I want him to think this through very carefully because there is too much at stake this time around.

I am worried about Oscar…..she has involuntarily entered a process and it is driving her crazy. She has periods of isolation, crying spells and she is at the point where it is all him, all the time. I understand that (hell, I am there more often than not myself) and the pure torture that can be, The good times, the bad times….trying to figure out where it all went wrong and why even now that is so fucked up, it still feels so right. She is being stronger now and I am really proud of her but I already know how this is going to end. She will continue to be strong and the depth and intensity of her breakdowns will remain between certain Panel members, but like I have stated before: Him, Jr may be foolish but he is not a fool. He KNOWS what he has in Oscar, and he is not willing to give it up. He will jeopardize, fuck it over, mistreat and disrespect it but he will not give it up.  And because Oscar, like me, watches too many freaking movies where the people are healthy and responsible, she will believe him when he makes his promises and declarations, and take him back. She will do so unconditionally and completely unguarded and he will offer her promises and hope….only to do what he has he always done. And my poor, poor Oscar….she is so beautiful and so strong, yet so young and fragile. Like Bailey on Grey’s Anatomy, she is being held together with tape and glue and I imagine her heart looking like an abstract version of Humpty Dumpty. I fear that she has already given this man her all and is running on reserves now and what will be left to give the man who will give her what she needs and deserves?

I am worried about Artsy Craftsy and Morning Person….not as much as I am about others, but still worried. Morning Person has a LOT on her plate and is making time for everyone but her. Work, family obligations, listening to me bitch and moan, worrying about other Panel members…..it is taking a toll on her and with this bitch of an economy and obligations that simply cannot be re-scheduled or ignored do not even leave her with the option of a weekend getaway to just relax and be. Hell, at this point a movie is out of the question. Still she perseveres and is an inspiration.  Artsy Craftsy is having a stressful time at work and it is causing some of her issues to want to rear their head. So far she has a handle on them, but we all know that no matter how great a handle we have on things, issues can mushroom out of nowhere and suddenly, you are overwhelmed, misunderstood and everything is pretty fucked up. I do not want Artsy Craftsy in that position…..I wish I could offer something to help her  continue to cope and stay evenly balanced. She says assisting me with my analysis takes her mind off her shit, but I still feel as if I am adding to her burden.

I am worried about me……I am still a mess and after this latest communication, I am not sure how I feel towards him anymore. Yes, the love is there and as mentioned before, the ties and the bonds. He says he is not sure if he could even like me very much ever again because of my mean comments. Dude, let me tell you something….ditto. This time around he has shown me such immaturity, irresponsibility and has proven himself to be a complete asshat; I am sure I have shown him that I can do more with my mouth and tongue than take him to such great heights….I can cut his ass off at the knees and totally castrate him all the while saying how much I love him. We are both completely fucked up, cross lines that healthy people never even know exist and yet…neither of us will be the one to say goodbye. We say everything but, always leaving doors cracked so we can still see and  hear what the other one does. Girlfriend says it is because we are both holding onto the hope that if given another chance….maybe, maybe ,maybe we will get it right and have our happily ever after. Folks, if I never speak the truth again in life, I will speak it right now…….WE WIL NEVER GET IT RIGHT and the best we can hope for are happy endings of a sexual nature. Seriously. MY issues will not allow him to make a mistake or an error in judgment. The moment he does,  my issues are out of the box and on the attack…I will admit that. I never ask a question until I have cursed him from asshole to appetite, and now I have ZERO trust in him. None, so now worst case scenario stays in full effect when it comes to him.  HIS issues will not allow him to believe that I really do love him and am in love with him and all I want is him.  See, he will feel that I am only going to hurt him in the end, and Ego will not allow him to see that I only hurt him when HE hurts ME. His issues will have him doing fucked up shit and then flipping the script quicker than an ant has an orgasm, and Ego will tell him that I am one crazy ass bitch. Yet, we both know the caring and understanding and intensity we offer each other; we know  that the only ones who will understand us, and actually PUT UP with our fucked up ways….is each other, and apparently given our track record, only for short periods.

I am going through a process and while I am stuck, I am not waiting around on him; yet I feel as though my NOT being able to move forward with someone else in any capacity makes me feel as if I AM waiting for him….and I do not like that feeling. Perhaps I feel as if I have something to prove and now I have been presented with an opportunity. Pantyhose Dude is back…..he misses me, wants me and wants to go further ( as in a full blown sexual encounter…..yes, with me wearing hosiery) and I am ready to go for it even though  I am not ready. I want to prove something to someone ( maybe me, maybe the world), I want to show Him that I CAN seal the deal even if he can’t, and those are not the right reasons. If I needed to feel wanted and desirable and sexy, I could accept that; hell, I would accept the fact that I am broke and could use the extra cash…..but right now, with all these emotions and all this confusion……I may be asking Pantyhose Dude to be my boyfriend or some other crazy shit or worse yet, end up hating both of us for doing the deed. Whatever I am going to do, I need to make a decision before 1pm Monday.

So, that is what has been going on…..and Lord, all I am right now is tired. If I could have 3 wishes granted right now they would be a million dollars in each bank account, a full body massage until I could no longer take it and laundry that did itself on a weekly basis. I WOULD ask for clarity on what will become of me and him, but I think the process will tell all in due time, so maybe I need to ask to be granted patience in lieu of laundry.


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