I will be the first to admit that I am unhealthy, can be borderline obsessive and at times, stupider than the average bear. I KNOW I am not ready for anything at this time….and when I say anything, dinner out has become a challenge. Another thing I am is tired….of everything. I am tired of trying to give myself closure, tired of not being recognized or appreciated. Tired of getting up every morning to work an assignment that has paid me JUST ENOUGH this week to pay the rent and put $20 towards transportation and that is it. No lunch, no cigarettes, not even a postage stamp. Morning Person says it always works itself out, but no it doesn’t. I bust my ass, sell my ass and beg, borrow and steal to make things work, and now…I have no options and no energy to create any. I am tired, and tired of playing the game of Life. I am going to do with life just like I did with the weight when I got tired of fighting that….just let the bitch win and let the chips fall where they may. I am tired of busting my butt at jobs that do not pay enough to make ends meet month to month and offer zero benefits. Again, I am back to choosing between a roof over my head, or paying the utilities, keeping my credit score straight and putting food on my table. I am tired of walking around with this “bullet” in my chest and last night on Grey’s, we found out that despite Alex’s protestations of being “fine”…..that bullet hurt like hell and needed to come out. In fact, he was stuck in limbo ( no surgeries or performing medical procedures until it came out—Bailey removed it) but I have no trust in anyone to remove the bullet, and especially none in the person who put it in me, and I am tired of these patchwork surgeries I perform on myself. I am tired of people thinking I am strong and I will get by……if you asked any member of the Panel if they could go through what I have been going through for what seems like forever, they all say they couldn’t do it, but I can because of all I have endured previously and I am tired of enduring, going through and still ending up at the same place, be it personally or professionally. Seriously.
I mentioned that I was not ready for even dinner, and had a dinner date this week with Reliable One, and swear to God, if I had a baseball bat, that man would be dead today. The one thing he always does, without fail, is take me to wherever I suggest; he will tell me to order whatever I want and he will only order the salmon entrée (subbing extra veggies for the rice or potatoes) and unsweetened iced tea. Without fail, that is what he will order. Meanwhile, I am looking at appetizers and salads and soups and steaks or crab cakes. Of course, my appetizers/salad/soup comes first and before I can start eating, he has HIS utensil up and at the ready. He will ask what does it taste like, and ask for some. He will eat my French fries (with his HANDS that have not seen the inside of the bathroom since he walked through the door) as if they were going out of style and when the salad or soup comes? He is right there with me, halving my meal! When my red meat entrée comes, he is all over my plate making comments such as: that looks good; is it juicy? Does it have flavor? Maybe I should have ordered that…..and then I am giving him even MORE of my meal. Seriously, and it gets on my nerves especially since he cannot return the favor….I don’t want no stinking salmon. If I did, I would have ordered it myself!! Trust me, he is not broke nor is he saving for weeks on end to take me out to eat…..the man is just cheap as hell and trying to fool someone ( himself) that he is eating so healthily. News flash: you cannot be if you have gone up a pants size since we have been going out to dinner ( 3 years now) and if you are going to the gym every day and still your weight is increasing. If you are doing this salmon and no carbs shit to impress me….please stop, and start ordering what you want! It has gotten to the point that I order 2 appetizers, a larger salad and two desserts just so I can enjoy my meal in freaking peace. To top it off, a COCKROACH appeared out of nowhere and was crawling the wall beside us, and when I pointed it out to him, the man did not miss a beat, people! He kept right on eating, saying the roach was over there, we were here and it’s all good. Oh, did I mention that he was using my cell phone every 10 minutes to call his mother?? I was outdone and I do believe the only time worse than this dinner was the time he took me out for my first lobster and ate it all save two bites or maybe the time he said I needed a new phone and would get me a Blackberry; once we got in the store, and he saw the price ( $200), he said never mind, then had me standing around while he watched the fucking game on the HD TV on display.
The guy whose ad I answered cancelled our dinner date. Didn’t I tell you guys that I was not holding my breath for that crap? It was evident his wanting to take it slow was bogus….remember he wanted to make a “delivery” within 20 minutes of out conversation? Well, the next morning he calls me at 7am to say he is looking for a purely sexual relationship BUT he wants us to see about exploring a friendship so dinner was still on. Then, Thursday morning, I get an email where he says he cannot make the date and he does not have a lame excuse….he has to work late, but he can make it up to me if I invite him over to my place Sunday for coffee. SERIOUSLY, dude? I have told you repeatedly that for one thing I do NOT drink coffee or alcohol; secondly, IF I wanted you in my house, I never would have suggested a public place to meet. Inviting a man you met online to your place immediately tells everyone just one thing, and I am NOT looking for that……not yet and maybe not ever. If I can ever get some extra money, I may invest in a cat or 3, take up knitting and start watching Wheel of Fortune. I am just not ready and I am tired and I have no time or patience for stupidity or density of the brain or a horny, persistent asshole. Period. I told him as much and then he says to keep in touch and we can meet next week. Hmmmmm…..NONONONONONONONONONONONO!!
So today, I am tired, pissed and ready to throw in the towel……on everything and everybody. I am ready to have a pity party and you can attend if you want, but you have to bring your own issues and ice cream. I do not want pep talks or told it will get better or be thankful I have a job. I am not going to lie….when I saw exactly what was on this paycheck, I did not know whether to praise God or curse Him ( I can’t even get a roll of toilet paper when I pay this rent!)…..and before anyone jumps all over my ass, yes I get angry at/with God. A lot……and I yell at Him and demand answers; and the God I know….understands. He should….He created me and knows that I am impatient and believe that when you do things right, it should not be going wrong; He knows what I have endured, so He takes it all with a grain of salt and I still have to go through processes and trials and tribulations. So, it’s a trade-off, and I promise if you come to my party, I will not argue with God while you are there. Our arguments are private and I have already told you too much by letting you know they exist.
Sorry if the blog comes across as negative or as if I am ungrateful or whatever it seems…..but I am not ready for anything which pisses me off and tired of going through what I have to just to make it through another day. I am tired of being stuck….at least Him can put on a show ( everyone sees through it, but still he can do more than I can right now) and I am tired of there being no options, so I have to stand still. I am tired of the feelings of dread, the rocks in my belly and a paycheck that does not deposit itself in my account but rather, flies over it but swoops low enough so I know I really am not being a volunteer. So the pity party is on, and I have ice cream, Cheez-Its and some chocolate pudding….no chicken wings as they cost money I don’t have. I have cable ( for now) and my bed that begs to be a part of the festivities. I may or may not answer the phone, but I will blog. Maybe tomorrow’s will find me in a better frame of mind, but that is doubtful. Right now, like the cast of Saturday Night Live, I am a Not Ready for Prime Time Player ( all across the board) and looks like I will be one for awhile.
PS—My horoscope for today? Says moodiness and melancholy will have me wanting to distance myself from my entourage and cause me to isolate myself from others.