One thing I am always asked….when things had not even developed and we were flirting, when things were good, when things went bad and now that things are a chaotic mess that has ripped everything apart and have us both being lost, immature fools….is WHAT do I see in this man? WHAT does he have, what does he do that has caused me to love him with a depth people only read about and allows me even now in the good moments to understand, excuse and forgive? What is it with us that even now we are still so tangled and wanting each other even though the wounds and bruises have not healed, and the hurt is so palatable, we could touch it?
I will say that the man I met, the man I knew and fell in love with was not this incredible asshole I blog about; the man I hold onto hope for is NOT the same guy it takes 10 people 2 days to figure out his communications say nothing at all; the man I am in love with did not have mixed signals, denial and delusion and was most definitely not a coward. Or maybe he was, and the more we got to know each other, the more the layers revealed themselves to me, yet love blinded me to them or understanding had me thinking I could deal with them. Maybe my perspective is off, and I am looking back at the man who wears the mask, not who stands before me now, and a part of me is tangled in the past unwilling to move towards the present.
My own Panel…..my friends whom I turn to for support, love, acceptance and advice…..all ask me that question on a near daily basis. According to them, he is NOT attractive at all (I need a new prescription for my glasses) and only Oscar will not outright say the man is ugly. She will say that if that what I was looking for, I got it and she can kind of see what I see in him. Fellow Leo thinks we make a good looking couple and he has nice eyes, but Fellow Leo is a sweet, kind person who has yet to say an unkind word against anyone. Cuz, PJ, Morning Person, Chef, Quiet One….they all say when you look at me and then look at him……there is no doubt that this could only end in a fucked up way because he is scared of my light, my beauty, my intelligence , my confidence and my outgoing personality. I am the woman he has only dreamed of and when you add in the fact that I am as sexually open and kinky as he is?? There is NO WAY he would ever think he would be all I want and need. He has seen me in all aspects, and he knows that I am the one who lights up the room, makes the party and will flirt with men and women alike. He knows I am sweet, generous, kind yet can hold my own, right or wrong and he is scared to death of all that I offer with little to no effort on my part. I have an intensity that draws you in, scoops you up and can be too much for someone unused to being the center of any type of attention. So they ask me….WHAT does he have, what do you see, and why with him?
I will say that with this man, when I first laid eyes on him, I felt that jolt in my tummy. I felt tingles and butterflies and I KNEW that there was something about this man that I could learn to love. I am not going to say it was love at first sight, but never with anyone have I just looked at them and felt something. Even gorgeous movies stars, I will look at them and say WOW. Hot. And keep it moving. I have had guys look at me and I know they felt something when they saw me, but I never felt anything. I would flirt, smile and even had a couple of relationships where I grew to like them and love them. With him, I wanted him on the spot because I just knew I liked him and wanted to know what he looked like naked. No, he is not the best looking man in the world but he has not stopped a clock (although some Panel members would disagree) and he is not a body builder, but I am partial to men with meat on their bones. Seriously, I cannot describe it, but when I look at people I see THEM but when I looked at him, I saw nothing but beauty and perfection. I did not see the wrinkles, the effects that aging and drinking had taken on his face…I did not see what others saw. I saw a handsome man who had the most kissable lips…. unless he got on my nerves. Then I would call him a Redneck Santa Claus. Trust me, he is not George Clooney or Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington….he is more of a short Kenny Rogers, and you have to look hard to see even that. Whatever it was I felt, he felt it also…you could see it in his eyes (they tell everything his mouth cannot) and in the way he would banter and flirt right back. In me, he says I am beautiful, sexy and he has fantasized about me from Day 1.
He always made a point to come past the reception desk and say good morning to me and when I became his secretary, we shared jokes, stories and would ask about our interests and hobbies. When I was going through over my apartment, he was the one who said we would handle it together; when I first started having issues with my female equipment, he was the one I confided my fears of it possibly being cancer to. He held my hands, looked me in my eyes and said we would deal with that if it came to that. He was the one who when I was out of the office drove everyone else crazy with his needs and wants and temper tantrums. When I was in the office, I was the only one who was brave enough to enter his office when he was throwing such tantrums. I was the one who told him he was scaring the females in the office with his tone and language and if he was in one of those moods where he would not even listen….I was the one who shut his door and told him do not come out until he could play well with others. Our personalities meshed well, we respected boundaries and we reigned each other in. When the layoff came, he was the one who cried over letting me go, and he was the one who pursued me.
I am going to be honest…..I never thought the sex would be great. As much as we liked each other and as attractive as we found each other…..he just seemed very vanilla and I already knew he was inexperienced. He wanted me BAD and told me so, and as stated before, I am a trained professional, but what would he be like? And I will say he wanted me to spend the night our first time together, but I am the person who snores and farts in her sleep and I did not know him THAT well to expose him to my bodily functions, so I respectfully declined. For our first time, I wore lingerie and heels under a long winter coat and when he saw me his face went red and he could not speak for a good 3 minutes. His first words were: Are we actually going to do this? I was surprised and laughingly asked him what did he THINK we were going to do? His response: talk and watch television. Whatever. Our first time had me seeing stars and crossing my eyes. The man was amazing and he is the only man who has ever given me multiples AND put me to sleep. He said I am the best lover he has ever had, and I curl his toes and cause him to bask and float on clouds. We talked…..about any and everything, we shared secrets, kinks and fantasies. And we did it again and we felt it again. He actually touched my heart at our second meeting because he said he did not think I would want to see him again. Every time we are together…..it is amazing and wonderful and so loving. It is as if we are one person, and truly, I feel that this man, even now….is my soul mate. We talk, share more secrets and when we are together, he is all over me as if he cannot believe I am real. I hold him tightly and inhale his scent and run my hands through his chest hair and whisper sweet nothings. I have never told anyone this story: once, while we were holding each other, I told him I had to pee so badly, but did not want to let him go. I could always pee, but who knew when I would hold him in my arms again? He actually walked with me to the bathroom and literally held my hand while I went #1.
I do not know what happened along the way….all I know is he has issues and while I can deal with his being a workaholic, incredible sense of obligation to family and the depression (which he seemed to think I knew all about).….I cannot deal with the inadequacies and self esteem issues that cause him to hurt me and ignore me and cause my issues to rise up and lash out. I swear, I HATE hurting him. I am not a hurtful person and with a person I love and care about? Rarely happens…..and when I try it, the Panel knows how to nip it in the bud. Which is one thing that puzzles me about this man…..as dominant as he is with me in the bedroom, as firmly as he can pull me in line when I do wrong to others….he says nothing and does nothing to stop me from totally fucking him up and over. He will never say stop or defend himself or offer anything good or bad to allow us to move on. Frankly, I do not want to move on…I want him to move past his issues and return to me the man I used to know so I can once again be the woman he used to know.
The man who would share his secrets and issues and look in my eyes and know I understood. The man who would hold me so tightly after a secret sharing session and just kiss me and say he didn’t want me to leave. I want the man back who I never had a mean thought or word to say against. Even the Panel does not know what happened or how it happened, but Morning Person has the best handle on it: when we discovered some of his issues, Morning Person would just get really quiet. When we found out I am the only woman who has allowed him to be dominant in all areas of the relationship, Morning Person asked me was that a good idea, given he had been my boss and all. When he and I had an argument and I revealed to him that I loved him…..Morning Person told me that this would change everything and not for the better. Morning Person knows that with all I offer, and all he feels he can’t…..there is no road to travel any longer. There are potholes and ditches and broken glass all over and with all my words and actions of loving and healthy…..he cannot see what we can have on the other side. He sees only the obstacles and not the opportunity, and while he may want what we had and still have…..he can only handle it in small doses and my pleas for more of him fall on deaf ears as he only hears his Committee telling him he is not good or good enough for me.
What I had in him was the full monty: understanding, acceptance, love/caring, mind blowing sex and someone who would allow me to unleash on him when life got overwhelming, and he got the same from me. It was not conventional ( but neither are we) but it worked for us, and now it is gone. I would give anything if he would give me a chance to show him how sorry I am, but if I offered him the same chance, would his issues allow him to take it? Honestly, I could forgive him the BTH…..I could even forget and start anew with him, but he is too far gone. His issues have him not knowing how to treat me when he is going through and he will never know the depth of what he has done until he sees it in my face; and then he will feel so badly and so guilty, just as I do now for what I have said. But we will both know that we can never look at each other the same way again, we will never trust each other in the same way again, and just maybe…..the magic that made us US, is gone forever. Oscar sent me a poem she found somewhere, and I used that as an inspiration for a poem I have shared with Artsy Craftsy and Fellow Leo. I think I am going to end this post with it…..and while I wonder if we will ever find out way back to each other without the hurt and ugliness, he will need more time…..and I do not think I have anymore to give.
Once upon a time, we shared something special and magical. We had a joy a bliss, a connection that I thought would be unbroken. A feeling that things would always be this way. We shared as only lovers could and we held each other tightly. Yet even as you held me, you were letting go, but I never knew. It was that way for days and a day…..until something came between us. And then you let me go……