The Weather Report

There is a song with lyrics that say this: When you left me, you took the blue from the sky and left me wondering why. I wish I never saw the sunshine, then I wouldn’t mind the rain. I relate and understand…..when you have had days and days of sunshine and blue skies, rain can be a nuisance. I love rainy days but I want rain at my convenience. I only want rain when it is on a day I do not have to venture out in it, and if the day is too gray and the rain too hard, I will cancel plans to just stay indoors and out of the elements.. This fiasco (Chef says it simply was not a gentlemanly thing to do) has taken away my sunshine and left me with gray, rainy days that make me want to hide in corners, question myself and my attributes and just make me want to give up some days. But sun and rain are intertwined; you need both sun and water to make things grow, and who does not appreciate rain after a long, dry spell or sunshine after a rainy season? And too much of either causes extremes that can be unhealthy.

Too much sun burns and dries and can cause droughts. The intensity of the sun is magnificent but deadly (hell, it can cause cancer!!!) and people must be protected from it. Too much rain can cause floods, damage houses and is a known contributor to Seasonal Affective Disorder. Emotionally, sunshine of course equals happiness, stability and balance and rain is the heartache and hurt following the end of a love affair and definitely I am in a rainy season. I have an umbrella, rain coat and even boots, but still I get wet. I do my best to avoid getting too wet but I am soaked, and while I want to stay in and out of the elements, I cannot stay hidden. Rain can cleanse and wash away the debris…rain washes my soul clean and sets the hurt and anger free. Rain can allow acceptance in as acceptance has the towels and warm blankets to dry me off.  Of course there are times the rain will be hard and unforgiving;  a thick curtain that will not allow me to see a damned thing and I will stay indoors, safe and warm while I try to see anything through the torrent of water falling from the sky. But after all the rain, all the gray clouds…there will be a rainbow….a beautiful, colorful rainbow that will be my gift, and while all will see it, only I will know what pot of gold awaits at its end.

The rain will stop and I will have days that will not have the hot intensity of the sunshine I shared with him. This will be the sunshine of springtime….when I will throw open the windows and let the fresh air in. The sunshine  that will dry sheets on a clothesline and leave them crisp and smelling fresh and clean. The sunshine that will warm my skin, kiss my face and  will hold the night at bay by letting the day last a little bit longer. The rain gear will be gone, and cotton shirts, long flowy skirts and peekaboo sandals will replace them. There will be no humidity that will be thick and not allow me to breathe; there will be fresh breezes to refresh me and the blue of the sky will be that of a bird’s egg. There will be promise and excitement and surprises that come with this sunshine. It will offer me the comfort of a big fluffy robe and being snuggled under a down comforter on a cold, snowy day. Rain will come, but it will be a spring shower that will refresh me and allow me to splash in puddles and hold my tongue out to catch raindrops on my tongue, and I wait for that day.

Because now, even with the progress I have made and the shelter leafy trees offer, it is still raining and it is the rain that makes one lazy. You know the days where it rains so hard and so steadily, all you want to do is stay in bed? Where everything, including washing your ass , is a huge chore that can be put off until tomorrow? This rain does not soothe my skin which is burnt from the intense sunshine that has gone abruptly away. This hard, cold rain hits my skin and when it hits my skin, it stings and hurts. I wish it were snow….cold, fluffy and quiet. Yes, snow keeps you indoors and it needs to be shoveled and cleared away, but when it is falling…..it is beautiful to watch and it is quiet. It allows contemplation while you do your daily routine and while you know it is there, it is in the background not in your face and bringing thunder and lightning with it, but even snow has its dangers. It freezes over and there is ice underneath which can cause you to slip, fall and seriously injure yourself and it is only pretty when it first falls. Once the city starts to stirring, it turns black, brown and yellow and then it is simply becomes a nuisance as it will not melt completely. It will melt some and turn slushy, then re-freeze once night falls and the temperatures drop.

 We all wish that we could have sunshine and blue skies, we all wish that life’s inconveniences would just delay themselves and we could chart a course that would bypass illness, heartbreak, betrayal and sadness…but we can’t. In life, we must take the good with the bad, and sometimes bad things just happen to good people. We will put our love and trust in the wrong people and there is no sense in placing blame;  it will either be deflected or faced with indifference. We will all be hit with negativity and devastation, and we will need to devise a game plan to make the best of a bad situation. Into every life some rain (and snow) must fall, and if we have enough sunshine ( or memories of it)  to keep us warm and cozy, we won’t mind the rain that much. And if you are like me with no sunshine right now, remember that the sun always rises and will eventually peek through the clouds; then we will see how all the rain made the  sky just a little bluer and the grass just a little bit greener.

Forging a Path

It is Saturday afternoon, and I SHOULD be telling you guys all about the fun time I had last night with Fun One, but we had to re-schedule. He had to work late (he was actually in a meeting 15 minutes after our meet time, and according to him it had just started) and it was a little too chilly and windy for a waterfront walk anyway. So I came home, ate junk food and slept. I talked to Morning Person and Artsy Craftsy and processed, and while I do not think I am anywhere near done, I am making more progress than I know and I think I have found a path which allows me to get a better grasp on the situation and will eventually lead me home.

I still hear tidbits about him, and I am not at the point where I DON’T want to hear, but it is also at the point where it doesn’t hurt the way it used to. Perhaps he has hurt me so much it really doesn’t matter….kind of like shooting a dead horse. Yes, it hits the animal, but he no longer feels the pain. He is in a place past the pain, and I think that is where I am. It goes beyond being numb….it is as if I am emotionally dead. Seriously, if he went to Vegas and married the BTH, that would shock me but not hurt me. All my worst case scenarios came true when he left me for her and in the manner he left…..sleeping with her, falling in love with her…whatever is done with her now would simply come with the territory. We are no longer together. Morning Person says that blame falls on both of us, but no way will I or can I allow myself to be 2nd place again….I did that with the married man (and that was my choice) and I was not choosing that spot again. Frankly, it would have been 3rd place as everyone will be 2nd place to his issues and demons. The man has the right to live his life as he sees fit. I may see the mistakes that he is making , but I no longer have the right to voice my opinions to him, no matter how good my intentions are. Yes, he hurt me in making his choices and in how he carried his agenda, but that is on him, not me. One day he may realize what  he did and how much it hurt both of us, and maybe he won’t. I cannot make him see it, and all I can do is not allow it to happen again. When he returns, I will not allow him to just waltz back in and forget that any of this happened;  I have said it before…people make mistakes, but how many chances do you give a person? How many times do they need to get their act together?  I know for me, it took me hitting rock bottom and just being sick and tired and knowing there was a better way. I had to KNOW in my mind and my heart that I was a better person, capable of doing more than just selling my ass for a dime piece of crack. And maybe this fiasco occurred not only for him to realize what I offer and what we had together but for me to realize that I can do better than a man who can only offer what I need on a part of a part-time basis. When he returns, I have questions: What will be different this time? Do you finally know how to treat me? Are you willing to make the changes necessary so that physical violence will not be needed?  And it was not that long ago, I would never question his return….I would take it and be happy to have it, but now? Day by day, I seem to make it through without him being a part of my routine and guess what? I am not dead or dying and slowly it is feeling less like hurt.

I am discovering that with or without him, I am still the funny, edgy chick. I still carry my beauty and light and while it has been diminished, it is not extinguished. I was told I was a bright, shining coin who needs someone who will polish me, not tarnish me. I am a rare jewel who needs to be appreciated and some people will not know my worth…..I will be the one overlooked in their search for brightly colored stones, or my sparkle and clarity will be too intense for them. Or maybe they will realize my worth and they will be scared to be responsible for such wealth. With or without him, I am still blunt and honest with everyone, including myself. With or without him, I am still sexy, cute and a good friend. Yes, he brought something to my world that is missing, but apparently I can live without it, and while I miss it terribly….I am done paying the price. I have been listening to Beth Orton lately….and I love Beth. She has a song that says you lose it, only to find it and then walk right by it…and she is done spending another minute in Hell pretending it is Heaven. Today, I’m with Beth. The soul and the spirit each have their own limit, and I have reached mine.

 When this fiasco first went down, I was asked how many times can your heart break, and I believe as often as you put it out there, regardless if it is the same person or not. So this time around, I am going to not rush back in….I am going to process and safeguard my heart. I am going to work on me ( there is a reason all the guys I allow in turn out to be crazy ass cowards). I will know when I am ready to take a chance again, whoever it may be.  Analysis of us and what happened will still happen, but I am becoming my own worst enemy with speculation. However he feels about her, I will never know. Whether he misses me and did he ever feel anything for me…..thoughts that have no answers I will ever know about and does it matter? He had all the information and still chose to make the decision he did and I am realizing that it is not a reflection of me or my beauty or attributes….it is a reflection of him and what he felt he needed. Why worry if he is happy…I know I’m not and my happiness comes before his; why wonder if he knows he fucked up. I already know he does and again, he will never admit it. I am doing the best I can to squash the speculation when it arises and at least I can finally say it is a rhetorical question rather than put it out there for the Panel to try and answer. Hell, I put the questions to him and he couldn’t even come up with an answer, so if the author of the work can’t answer the questions, who can?

I still read the horoscopes and again we both pretty have the same horoscope: we are both missing that certain person and want to reach out regardless of how we left things; no sense in missing them when you don’t have to, but changes will have to be made for a different ending. Sounds good and a month ago it would be music to my eyes/ears, but I am making changes and my changes right now are not allowing him entry. My changes will bring about a difference and it will be for more and to go further and  I am not making deals with God for a picture perfect reconciliation…..I will continue to state I want the man I fell in love with, not this idiot.  Yes, I am still in love and at this point, it is what it is. No one has asked me to NOT love him….just do so from afar which if I am going to be real about it….I probably always have as he kept his masks on and electrified fences up except when we were naked. I am not going to rush the process or pray for a man. I am going to let Higher Power do what It does and I will be patient. It is time to sit still, clear the drama and clutter and watch, listen and learn. It is time to know the path that will lead me back home.

Processing…..

I wasn’t going to blog tonight…..I am in a place where I am angry. Deeply angry at both myself and him. I do not really want to talk to anyone but I did chat briefly with Artsy Craftsy and Oscar today and they understand. I am glad SOMEONE does because I don’t. It is supposed to be pretty cut and dried, but I am guessing when coupled with how deeply I loved him, how much of myself I gave to this relationship and my unhealthiness and issues, it is not going to be a walk in the park but can it stop for a day a least? Can I PLEASE have one day where it is not about him and the whys, whats and hows. Where it is not about fighting back tears, and the dread and the tightness in my heart? It has been 3 weeks since we have had contact and it is not because either of us has moved on…we each have our reasons for no communication but seriously….what the hell ever happened to “out of sight, out of mind”? Not only does absence make the heart grow fonder, it drives you freaking insane in the process. But I am holding on and holding strong….I have faced and been in worse situations and I am still standing, but this shit has knocked me to my knees. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, yet tonight on Grey’s there was a storyline about a woman who needed a simple operation; it went without a hitch and Bailey was so happy to see an end to the operation. The woman had come in on the day of the fatal shootings at the hospital and never got her surgery, but she survived being shot herself  by the killer by playing dead. So tonight, she had the surgery and everything was great…..and she never woke up. The woman who went in for a simple operation to make everything better and right and okay slipped into a coma and her husband had to pull the plug as she had no brain activity and was becoming septic. The Chief wondered how a woman could survive a crazed killer and not a simple operation and while it is interesting television….it makes me wonder. How can a simple procedure designed to make right what is wrong GO wrong?

Will I have faced down rapists, physically abusive men, crack addiction and homelessness only to fall victim to a broken heart? Maybe I HAVE run out of steam and what people see as strength is merely a mask just so I can through the day to day routine of living….and like everyone I wonder sometimes why we even go through the motions? One day we will all die, and can we take our paychecks with us? Will we be able to be buried in our homes and apartments and condos that we spend so much money on every month? Will our jobs keep our office or cubicle empty and place fresh flowers on our desks in our memory? Our clothes, cars and jewelry….will they go with us? See, I am in a DOWNER of a mood and Morning Person would call it a pity party, but I don’t. I call it getting honest in a way most people never do, and if they do, they DO NOT share it with others. We ALL have the thoughts and emotions I blog about, but no one talks about them because we are all so fucking okay and well adjusted. She calls everything a pity party if I am not being upbeat and positive and happy; she wants me to see the big picture and further down the road, and I can’t. Not today. Today, I am stuck and I am hurt and I am angry and all I can see is the wreck in the rearview. And the sad part is ,I am not even stuck on wanting him back or going back to what used to be as I refuse to go back to what he has become and what he has shown me he more than likely has always been. I am stuck in the middle….scared to close one door completely and unable to open a new one. Change is taking place and I am scared to death of facing it.

What I am learning is that the Universe will not allow us to stay stuck in any place for too long; you can make the necessary moves on your own and of your own free choice and will, or you can let the Universe do it for you….and you really will not like it when the Universe does it for you. I am being pushed and for real, I want everyone and everything to just back the fuck off. I will move when I am ready yet, here I am being taken for a ride and I have NO idea where I will end up. This is not a vacation where I know the plane will land in Seattle or San Francisco or I know the ship’s itinerary…..this is my LIFE and I know people say the joy is in the journey, but this is not the trip I planned and what joy can be found in heartbreak, hurt and pain?; And I HATEHATEHATEHATE him for thrusting me onto this path instead of preparing me for  the fact that trains may be changing when pulls into the station; that would allow me to choose which route to travel. I definitely would have chosen a more scenic route and a more direct route. Seriously.

This is so not what I was going to talk about so I guess that topic will be a blog post for another day and proof that the process is doing something: not only is it releasing honesty that I did not know was there, it has revealed another emotion that has lain dormant: fear. I am looking around at my apartment and while I asked earlier why do we bother to go through the routines, I need to clean this place up. It is not a complete disaster yet, but getting close, and if I did not care on some level, I would not even notice it is going downhill, let alone want to get a handle on it. Maybe we go through the routines because we are not born today and die tomorrow…in between we live, we laugh and we love. We want comfortable existences to make the journey more palatable as life is hard enough already; we find comfort in hot food, clean sheets, a relaxed environment that promotes peace and is pleasing to the eye. Maybe I cannot have one day of peace now because I will have so many peaceful days coming that I will not know what to do with them. I will not be stuck forever but right now it seems like it…. but one day I will be able to close and open doors with ease. First, I have to conquer the fear (let me add THAT one to the list), and right now I need to recharge the batteries so I will have the strength and energy needed to battle the issues and demons that need taming. Now I need to go to bed (it is after midnight) and Friday is trick or treat day in the office; I plan to scoop lots of chocolate and I am going to be the chick that is offering pills and cigarettes to all the trick or treaters….really.  I have bought Motrin, Advil and Tylenol tablets to put in my trick or treat bowl. At least I won’t be the person that hands out pencils and toothbrushes.

Baby Steps

I will be glad when this entire process is done and finished. I am TIRED of him filling my thoughts, my heart and my flip-flopping emotions. I will be glad when the feelings of dread and the tightness in my heart are a distant memory and the rocks in my belly have been dissolved. I know the Panel is growing weary of hearing about it and having to go through analysis, but guess what? If they are tired, what the hell do you think I am?? I WANT to be unstuck and for him to be someone I USED to love…..but it isn’t happening and my being impatient or trying to ignore my issues and the questions is not going to do a damned thing except maybe prolong or even setback the progress I have made.

I had a slight argument with the Policeman last night….he told me I should have been moved on from him….it is not as if the man was my husband or something. And that statement PISSED.ME.OFF. Totally. Do not ever belittle me or my feelings or tell me where the fuck I need to be in any area of my life. If I could fall out of love with him, do you NOT think I would have been done it?? You think I LIKE still loving a man who has hurt me, embarrassed me and basically wiped the shit from his ass on my face?? You think my issues….my deeply rooted and as old as me issues….can just bounce back from being lied to, led on and being basically used by the one man I loved and trusted enough to completely open myself up to….and he did not even have to do what he did the way he did it!! I gave him so many chances, so many options. Do you think they can just rebound back from being thrown over for a woman who looks like a street corner hooker at best and a tranny at worst?  You think that because I WASN’T married to him that my love is diminished somehow or it isn’t as real as the love you have for a spouse or significant other?? I told him my love is deeper, realer and stronger than his EVER would be because HE was constantly sticking his dick in anyone’s hole EXCEPT his wife’s and he wants to bitch, moan and cry when she says she wants to leave or when he thinks she has a lover. Really? YOU are hurt she may be with another, but you are ripping and running around all day fucking and sucking everybody’s woman but your own. You need to be at home calling up TLC or Neicey Nash  for help in cleaning that damned junkyard you live in and call a house. You say you love a woman and make vows to her and God and you cannot honor your word. A person is only as good as their word…isn’t that what we are told/taught?   Perhaps I did go overboard with my own version of for better or for worse, but to me that is what love is. A commitment to do right by a person, and do your part and your best to make someone happy and hopefully a better person. I told him he was a hypocritical hoarder who was an STD that was waiting to happen and when he could respect me and my feelings the way I respect him and his choices, then he could call me; until then, here is a hand basket to go to Hell in.

There is a saying in the rooms of recovery : when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will make the necessary changes. And this time around I am sick and tired to the nth degree. Yes, I wonder and worry will he come back, but not because I want him back…..this time around I want to be able to tell him to kiss my fat black ass as he had too many chances to honor it, appreciate it and do right by it. This time around I have not even uttered the words I want him back…..because I do not want this man back. I want the man I fell in love with and unfortunately Marty McFly and Doc Brown destroyed the DeLorean time machine. Yes sometimes I think about a reconciliation, but we can all dream. Seriously, what does this man offer me now?  I will no longer believe his promises or heartfelt statements of being ready to move forward and go further. I will no longer allow his kisses to stop my tears and questions. What will be different this time around? I do not see him entering into therapy, or even picking up a self help book. Hell, if he started watching Dr. Phil and asking his doctor for a prescription for his depression that would be something….but he will not do anything. He will look all sad, pitiful and maybe even get teary eyed, but when I ask him WHY he treats me the way he does…..the blankest look will come over his face and he will say I never meant to hurt you. I have seen his cowardice, the depth of his delusions and denial (and here is a scary though: what if this is just the tip of the iceberg with that crap?) and his manipulation; how in the fuck are YOU in the wrong yet you can justify your actions so that I am the bad guy? As if I am the one who woke up, forego the medications to just rip your ass a new hole simply because I felt like it. No, this time around….he crossed boundaries that I allow NO ONE to cross (even my mama knows when to back down and she knows I will never curse her)  and I crossed lines with him that have me feeling badly even though on some level he did deserve it. So I cry, mourn and grieve what we had once upon a time ( and aren’t once upon a times supposed to end in happily ever afters?), I bitch, rant and rage at how it got back to this point AGAIN and I wonder and analyze WHERE it went wrong and why didn’t I see it coming. On the flip side, I love him still. I WANT to forgive him, tell him it is alright and we can still be us. I want to tell him I understand and accept and it can be on any terms he wants….just stop the turmoil in my head and heart, and let things go back to the familiar. I want to stop worrying about him, and wondering if he misses me, feels badly and does he want to go back also? Because a part of me says we can, but I cannot verbalize it. Self Respect and Common Sense have banded together to stand fast and hold firm; if I do not have the sense to know that enough is enough, they do and they hold love and understanding at bay and gag my declarations of love. They are the ones telling me that I can do better, I deserve more and at the very least I need a person who will work as hard as I do regardless of how casual or serious the situation. Once, he was that man but no longer. His issues have broken us down and if I return once more……if this fiasco  is a train wreck, there will be mass devastation the next time he pulls one of his stunts. So yes, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and I am letting the process run its course and if anyone is tired of it, or of me doing what I need to do…..feel free to leave. Seriously. This will take as long as it takes and I will do what I need to do to purge the toxins from my body. I have held my own hand before and am perfectly capable of holding conversations with myself.

One thing that is missing from this is fun. Since this entire fiasco has gone down, there has not been one fun event to happen. I am not ready to go solo into the world, and Panel members have lives and families. There was a Panel Member who was the Fun One, but we had a falling out; we saw each other last week and had a long talk and I am going to forgive him and resume the friendship. I know the boundaries not to cross with him, and he has learned that my word is and always will be the truth. I am not one to hurt a person without provocation, yet I always seem to get the shit end of the stick. People fuck up and make mistakes…..the question is how many mistakes will you allow them to make? And Fun One will give me therapy, advice from the heart and then we will embark on wonderful, non-sexual adventures that make me feel young and pretty and sexy and free. I will see things I have never seen, hear things I have never heard and come home at 4 in the morning, happy, breathless and issue free for a few hours. Besides, if not for the process, I would have forgiven Him and be begging and cajoling  him to take one more chance….why not give a friend who has been there for me for the past 7 years, who will take me to dinners, parties and give me great gossip another chance?

The process continues and while it may seem like I am just as stuck as I was on Day 1, baby steps are being taken. It is slow, painful and tiresome and I am getting on my own nerves most days, but I see the progress I am making, and I cannot let people rush me or push me into what I am not ready to enter. Strange isn’t it? You never know who you will fall in love with or how deeply you fell until the love is no longer there and you are floundering, wondering what to do with yourself. I am letting go, bit by bit……the falling out of love may never happen, but hopefully it will fade, or tuck itself away into a corner of my heart. One day I will be able to go out and be with another and maybe even love and trust again….but I will take my time and make my moves in my time and my way. Period.

The Game Plan

I have seen the Big Tittied Hooker…well, a picture of her at least and people, I  am shaking my head and holding back laughter. Seriously? All I can say is I can see why everyone thought he had taken an escort……a certain lack of class was evident in this chick; so evident it came though even in a photograph. She comes across as one of those cocky and overconfident chicks who makes up for what she lacks in looks  by reading one too many self help books and  owning stock in Revlon or L’Oreal. And I could be wrong….she may be sweet and nice and kind with healthy doses of self esteem, but somehow I doubt that.  Trust me, I am not being catty…I think I have been pretty objective and honest throughout this entire ordeal and I plan to stay that way.  

All of this came about because  I was chatting with Pregnant One last night: we were bored, I was curious and I know any woman who has been through this type of break up has been in this position: it does not matter who you got dumped for (dumped is dumped), but you would love to see the woman who has pushed you out of the box.  In any case, Pregnant One is at the stage of the pregnancy where she can actually countdown weeks versus months and she needed a distraction, and I was bored, in pain (physical) and just surfing the net and we decided to look up the woman up. We had ZERO idea where to begin, but Facebook seemed like a good idea. Who the HELL with any sort of a computer and little bit of typing skill ISN’T on Facebook?  I thought of  the friend of a friend trick ( yeah, I am sneaky)…..and we found something promising. Then we had to get Artsy Craftsy on the line as she HAS seen pictures of the woman and Artsy Craftsy was NOT in a good mood: long day at work, hungry, headachy and here Pregnant One and I are, asking her to endorse our stalking of a person. Well, she IS a member of my Panel (and a high ranking one at that), so of course she agreed and we have a pretty positive identification AND a name. We are not sure how old the picture we saw was, but it is more recent than those he has, but there were no big titties (we are thinking implants or a serious push up bra)……but other variables pretty much pinpointed her and Artsy Craftsy confirmed that this is the chick. And seriously, all I wanted was to see her, but Pregnant One must be a private investigator or something when we aren’t looking because we  know pretty much more than we wanted to and actually has me thinking that this chick may not even live in the area. Just because he says he met her here does not mean she lives here.

Again, I am NOT jealous of this woman….never was, never will be. For what?  What happened is between he and I, and the woman is not the best looking thing I have seen. It ALMOST begs the question what does she have that I don’t, but maybe that is the style and caliber of woman he is used to; it is obvious he either does not want or  he can’t handle what I have and offer. She had on the tackiest ever wig, and it is obvious she cannot even put her hair on straight. That wig was crooked as hell and I just want to give her a mirror. We saw nappy naps and beady beads and I swear, I have seen a corpse wear less makeup. Her features have her looking like a poor man’s version of Erykah Badu, and the first word that popped in my head after seeing her picture was “fake”. Artsy Craftsy says she looks like a frog and Pregnant One says that I definitely win the looks contest, hands down. She wondered what the hell the two of them see in each other.  Of course we shared with the rest of the Panel and a couple of ICs. Oscar’s response: Ewwww. She is thinking HE is too good and too good looking for HER and I gave you the Panel’s opinions on his looks. Cuz says he will not comment AT ALL, but that maybe he and I need to make eye appointments together. Morning Person does not condone stalking in any way, but for real, she is as nosy as the rest of us, and she will not comment one way or another except to wonder what was he thinking, and to say definitely I am the best thing ever…..but she is my oldest friend and surrogate mom. What else is she going to say? Oh, I forgot…..Morning Person also says the woman could be sitting butt naked on his desk, and she still will not believe that the woman existed after they parted ways in the parking lot after the party. Girlfriend is shaking her head and an Independent Consultant has stated that she WAS on his side and hoping I would find it in my heart to forgive him and we would try again….and the operative word here is “was”. She has stated that he is definitely settling, a man that damned dumb deserves to be alone for the rest of his days, and if I break the no communication rule, I had better start looking for another friend. I have a new IC whom has declared himself to be my new BFF and he has stated the BTH to be a female gremlin, and has a picture to prove it. Quiet One said to mourn and move on, then asked what was my game plan.

Game plan? I do not have a game plan and seeing this chick does not motivate me to get one. Obviously the woman existed: he took her to a party and put up pictures of her. MY seeing her does not make her any more or any less real. I am not trying to woo him back or break them up ( if there is anything there)……I WAS trying to get accountability, an explanation and an apology from him. I am trying to make sense of this entire fiasco, and there is no game plan for that. You simply cannot apply logic to a crazy person and he cannot offer anything when he feels that he did nothing wrong (oh, the joys of delusion and denial!!)  and what he did offer I took simply because to NOT accept it would drag things out longer than necessary (as if they haven’t been already). I am not going to sit in a car with binoculars and a notepad to  do surveillance on his house or his office, I am not going to do a dump on his phone…..he is over there and I am over here. Yes, I love him….more than words can describe and more than anyone including him will ever know; but this time around, too much damage has been done and no one has an idea how to repair the damage, so we will leave the ruins where they are. I will attempt to clean it up as best I can via the process because I do not need THAT with me as I move on. I have enough issues and baggage as it stands already.

So there is no game plan….there IS a daily plan where I will endure my process, and go where it takes me. The process has me going back and forth with my feelings towards him,  but the one thing that gets me riled up EVERY time is his cowardice, and his hollering about his “honor and integrity.” All I can do is cock an eyebrow and dare him to spell them because he has shown me honor and integrity are spelled: deceit and liar. I even told him I should not expect honesty from him as he does not even give it to himself, but that is another story with no ending as he never said anything to that statement. So I will laugh and cry, feel anger and hurt, and work on falling out of love but none of it can be rushed. I have made SO much progress already and I am saying things I never thought I would, being more honest than I ever want to be and there is no goal here. The first time around, I was gung ho about being back with this man and making it work and all I would and not do to get it right. This time……I just want to be healthy and I want to be happy for the long term and there is no quick fix. IF he can put forth the effort, hard work and changes necessary, he MAY be welcome to come along for the ride, (if the process is not complete, the Panel and ICs will have to convene and decide as I know I am softhearted when it comes to him)  but I am having no problems doing the journey solo. This time around I am remembering history so I am not doomed to repeat it. He made his choice (seriously, I go from being the only woman to sleep with you in 3 years, offering love, friendship and sharing kink I had only heard about to becoming a side piece to a BTH??) and left me with none but to endure a process and more than likely go on without him. If he regrets his choice, tough. If he misses me and wants to try again…too bad. I am NOT going through this hellified process to go through it again…at least not over the same man I’m not. Besides, I have NO idea where his lips have been and after seeing for myself what this chick looks like,  if they have been THERE…..Ewwwwwww.

The Voodoo That He Do

One thing I am always asked….when things had not even developed and we were flirting, when things were good, when things went bad and now that things are a chaotic mess that has ripped everything apart and have us both being lost, immature fools….is WHAT do I see in this man? WHAT does he have, what does he do that has caused me to love him with a depth people only read about and allows me even now in the good moments to understand, excuse and forgive? What is it with us that even now we are still so tangled and wanting each other even though the wounds and bruises have not healed, and the hurt is so palatable, we could touch it?

I will say that the man I met, the man I knew and fell in love with was not this incredible asshole I blog about; the man I hold onto hope for is NOT the same guy it takes 10 people 2 days to figure out his communications say nothing at all; the man I am in love with did not have mixed signals, denial and delusion and was most definitely not a coward. Or maybe he was, and the more we got to know each other, the more the layers revealed themselves to me, yet love blinded me to them or understanding had me thinking I could deal with them. Maybe my perspective is off, and I am looking back at the man who wears the mask, not who stands before me now, and a part of me is tangled in the past unwilling to move towards the present.

My own Panel…..my friends whom I turn to for support, love, acceptance and advice…..all ask me that question on a near daily basis. According to them, he is NOT attractive  at all (I need a new prescription for my glasses) and only Oscar will not outright say the man is ugly. She will say that if that what I was looking for, I got it and she can kind of see what I see in him. Fellow Leo thinks we make a good looking couple and he has nice eyes, but Fellow Leo is a sweet, kind person who has yet to say an unkind word against anyone. Cuz, PJ, Morning Person, Chef, Quiet One….they all say when you look at me and then look at him……there is no doubt that this could only end in a fucked up way because he is scared of my light, my beauty, my intelligence , my confidence and my outgoing personality. I am the woman he has only dreamed of and when you add in the fact that I am as sexually open and kinky as he is?? There is NO WAY he would ever think he would be all I want and need. He has seen me in all aspects, and he knows that I am the one who lights up the room, makes the party and will flirt with men and women alike. He knows I am sweet, generous, kind yet can hold my own, right or wrong and he is scared to death of all that I offer with little to no effort on my part. I have an intensity that draws you in, scoops you up and can be too much for someone unused to being the center of any type of attention. So they ask me….WHAT does he have, what do you see, and why with him?

I will say that with this man, when I first laid eyes on him, I felt that jolt in my tummy. I felt tingles and butterflies and I KNEW that there was something about this man that I could learn to love. I am not going to say it was love at first sight, but never with anyone have I just looked at them and felt something. Even gorgeous movies stars, I will look at them and say WOW. Hot. And keep it moving. I have had guys look at me and I know they felt something when they saw me, but I never felt anything. I  would flirt, smile and even had a couple of relationships where I grew to like them and love them. With him, I wanted him on the spot because I just knew I liked him and wanted to know what he looked like naked. No, he is not the best looking man in the world but he has not stopped a clock (although some Panel members would disagree) and he is not a body builder, but I am partial to men with meat on their bones. Seriously, I cannot describe it, but when I look at people I see THEM but when I looked at him, I saw nothing but beauty and perfection. I did not see the wrinkles, the effects that aging and drinking had taken on his face…I did not see what others saw. I saw a handsome man who had the most kissable lips…. unless he got on my nerves. Then I would call him  a Redneck Santa Claus. Trust me, he is not George Clooney or Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington….he is more of a short Kenny Rogers, and you have to look hard to see even that. Whatever it was I felt, he felt it also…you could see it in his eyes (they tell everything his mouth cannot)  and in the way he would banter and flirt right back. In me, he says I am beautiful, sexy and he has fantasized about me from Day 1.   

He always made a point to come past the reception desk and say good morning to me and when I became his secretary, we shared jokes, stories and would ask about our interests and hobbies. When I was going through over my apartment, he was the one who said we would handle it together; when I first started having issues with my female equipment, he was the one I confided my fears of it possibly being cancer to. He held my hands, looked me in my eyes and said we would deal with that if it came to that. He was the one who when I was out of the office drove everyone else crazy with his needs and wants and temper tantrums. When I was in the office, I was the only one who was brave enough to enter his office when he was throwing such tantrums. I was the one who told him he was scaring the females in the office with his tone and language and if he was in one of those moods where he would not even listen….I was the one who shut his door and told him do not come out until he could play well with others. Our personalities meshed well, we respected boundaries and we reigned each other in. When the layoff came, he was the one who cried over letting me go, and he was the one who pursued me.

I am going to be honest…..I never thought the sex would be great. As much as we liked each other and as attractive as we found each other…..he just seemed very vanilla and I already knew he was inexperienced. He wanted me BAD and told me so, and as stated before, I am a trained professional, but what would he be like? And I will say he wanted me to spend the night our first time together, but I am the person who snores and farts in her sleep and I did not know him THAT well to expose him to my bodily functions, so I respectfully declined. For our first time, I wore lingerie and heels under a long winter coat and when he saw me his face went red and he could not speak for a good 3 minutes. His first words were: Are we actually going to do this? I was surprised and laughingly asked him what did he THINK we were going to do? His response: talk and watch television. Whatever. Our first time had me seeing stars and crossing my eyes. The man was amazing and he is the only man who has ever given me multiples AND put me to sleep. He said I am the best lover he has ever had, and I curl his toes and cause him to bask and float on clouds. We talked…..about any and everything, we shared secrets, kinks and fantasies. And we did it again and we felt it again. He actually touched my heart at our second meeting because he said he did not think I would want to see him again. Every time we are together…..it is amazing and wonderful and so loving. It is as if we are one person, and truly, I feel that this man, even now….is my soul mate. We talk, share more secrets and when we are together, he is all over me as if he cannot believe I am real. I hold him tightly and inhale his scent and run my hands through his chest hair and whisper sweet nothings. I have never told anyone this story: once, while we were holding each other, I  told him  I had to pee so badly, but did not want to let him go. I could always pee, but who knew when I would hold him in my arms again? He actually walked with me to the bathroom and literally held my hand while I went #1.

I do not know what happened along the way….all I know is he has issues and while I can deal with his being a workaholic, incredible sense of obligation to family and the depression (which he seemed to think I knew all about).….I cannot deal with the inadequacies and self esteem issues that cause him to hurt me and ignore me and cause my issues to rise up and lash out. I swear, I HATE hurting him. I am not a hurtful person and with a person I love and care about?  Rarely happens…..and when I try it, the Panel knows how to nip it in the bud. Which is one thing that puzzles me about this man…..as dominant as he is with me in the bedroom, as firmly as he can pull me in line when I do wrong to others….he says nothing and does nothing to stop me from totally fucking him up and over. He will never say stop or defend himself or offer anything good or bad to allow us to move on. Frankly, I do not want to move on…I want him to move past his issues and return to me the man I used to know so I can once again be the woman he used to know.

The man who would share his secrets and issues and look in my eyes and know I understood. The man who would hold me so tightly after a secret sharing session and just kiss me and say he didn’t want me to leave. I want the man back who I never had a mean thought or word to say against. Even the Panel does not know what happened or how it happened, but Morning Person has the best handle on it: when we discovered some of his issues, Morning Person would just get really quiet. When we found out I am the only woman who has allowed him to be dominant in all areas of the relationship, Morning Person asked me was that a good idea, given he had been my boss and all. When he and I had an argument and I revealed to him that I loved him…..Morning Person told me that this would change everything and not for the better. Morning Person knows that with all I offer, and all he feels he can’t…..there is no road to travel any longer. There are potholes and ditches and broken glass  all over and with all my words and actions of loving and healthy…..he cannot see what we can have on the other side. He sees only the obstacles and not the opportunity, and while he may want what we had and still have…..he can only handle it in small doses and my pleas for more of him fall on deaf ears as he only hears his Committee telling him he is not good or good enough for me.

What I had in him was the full monty: understanding, acceptance, love/caring, mind blowing sex and someone who would allow me to unleash on him when life got overwhelming, and he got the same from me. It was not conventional ( but neither are we) but it worked for us, and now it is gone. I would give anything if he would give me a chance to show him how sorry I am, but if I offered him the same chance, would his issues allow him to take it? Honestly, I could forgive him the BTH…..I could even forget and start anew with him, but he is too far gone. His issues have him not knowing how to treat me when he is going through and he will never know the depth of what he has done until he sees it in my face; and then he will feel so badly and so guilty, just as I do now for what I have said. But we will both know that we can never look at each other the same way again, we will never trust each other in the same way again, and just maybe…..the magic that made us US, is gone forever. Oscar sent me a poem she found somewhere, and I used that as an inspiration for a poem I have shared with Artsy Craftsy and Fellow Leo. I think I am going to end this post with it…..and while I wonder if we will ever find out way back to each other without the hurt and ugliness, he will need more time…..and I do not think I have anymore to give. 

Once upon a time, we shared something special and magical. We had a joy  a bliss, a connection that I thought would be unbroken. A feeling that things would always be this way. We shared as only lovers could and we held each other tightly. Yet even as you held me, you were letting go, but I never knew. It was that way for days and a day…..until something came between us. And then you let me go……

The Panel Speaks Out

The process has me losing my mind. Seriously. It has me losing my mind and today, it has me being incredibly immature and calling him names. I am so incredibly pissed and angry today, I cannot believe I was even so nice and forgiving towards him the past couple of days. I mean, today he is a yellow bellied, fat assed coward and liar. Today he is Frodo. No, wait….Frodo is probably too cute for him. Frodo was a hobbit, right? Not quite sure a hobbit looks like, but the name sounds cute, and today, he is anything but cute. He is a combination of Yoda, Jabba the Hut and the troll from the Billy Goat Gruff fairy tale. He is bald, crooked footed and covered in liver spots and twisted from his head to his feet. Seriously. I cannot believe his nerve, his gall, and how the FUCK I could ever even consider anything with him again proves I need to get back on and stick with my medications. He is a bitch, a bastard and the lamest loser ever to grace the face of the earth. I know I said it before but it bears repeating: he is a coward, a liar, completely delusional and I need to stick my foot so far up that fat ass of his that when he speaks, people will be able to see my toes.

Obviously, I am in no condition to say anything to anyone right now and probably need Jesus. So today, I am going to let the Panel speak up on their thoughts of the process so far, and give their opinions on the whole damned thing. After all, they are going through it with me, and lately I have just been giving my thoughts and feelings.

Morning Person: Morning Person will be glad when I fall out of love with him. Hell, she can endure the process….she is waiting for that small piece of me that is still holding on to hope to let it go. She is waiting for me to let acceptance fully in the door. She is proud of me for standing fast in my commitment to not contact him (Day 17!) and proud that I realize that he is no longer a part of the equation. What happens from here on out will involve me sorting through the tangle of emotions and putting my heart back together.  What she wants me to work on now is my resolve……he will return and she cautions it won’t be now when I can tell him to get lost and pretty much mean it. He will wait….and if there is one thing that man has is patience. So when I least expect it, he will return and he will be saying all the right things, and she wants me to remember the hurt, the anger and the pain. She wants me to remember that he lied before and he will do so again, and he would have changed just enough to make me think that this time, it will work. She thinks this entire fiasco is the damnedest thing ever and she would really like to know just what in the hell he was thinking when he set this crap in motion. Or maybe she doesn’t….Oscar, Cuz and I are keeping her hands full and hair gray enough.

Artsy Craftsy: Artsy Craftsy actually thinks that this time around is better than the first time we went through a breakup. She still wants us to work it out…..she has seen the happiness I bring him and she knows the lifestyle changes I have made because of my love for this man. She wants us to get it right, or rather for him to get it right. However, if he is not showing signs of change, or takes too long to come around (really, what is there to think about?) she washes her hands of the entire situation and is dragging me into the bathroom with her to wash my hands also.  She is for the no contact rule and is proud of me for not letting him get away with what can only be termed as utter bullshit. She wants him to come through with clear communication but that is so not going to happen. In fact, she is in charge of ordering us a new shipment of secret decoder rings as our current ones are pretty much worn out. People think I am joking when I say this, but Artsy Craftsy knows it to be the truth: When I worked on the Island, female smokers would not go down to the garage level where he would park because he was the creepy guy down there smoking cigars; I would laugh and assure them that it is okay…he was my boss. I really am the only woman (besides his wife, daughters, co-workers and 3 lovers before me) who will actually be alone in a room with this man. Even Artsy Craftsy will not be alone in a room with him unless it is work related, and to her it begs the question: why treat the only person in the world who obviously likes you if nothing else (and you obviously like something about her) as if you have options banging down your door and she needs to take a number?

Quiet One: She has never liked him…even before we became intimate and when things were good. She has simply never liked the man and has always thought I was the one with my head up my ass when it came to him. She is sitting and waiting with a box of Kleenex. She will either cry with joy when I turn him down, or cry tears of sorrow if I decide to give him another chance. I think if I choose the latter, she will dress all in black, sit Shiva in the office, fuck up his reports and cut her eyes at him when he questions her about it.

Cuz: He has surfaced long enough to tell me to buy a gun, pack my bags and move out of state. He believes that if a person cannot see, cannot hear or read…..they can feel, and sometimes a person just has to be shown what in the hell it is you are talking about. What I do with the gun is up to me and my mood that day, but he has my back and I better be ready to roll out once I have done what I need to do.

The Girlfriend: Like Quiet One, she has never liked him, and now she hates him. She knows now why he is such a loser with the ladies and why he is still a thought in m head is beyond her comprehension. She tells me constantly he is not worth it, and by it, she means anything. She has never understood what I see in him and why I felt he was worthy of  me, but she understands the heart does what it does. She is happy I have made it as long as I have with no contact, and encourages me to keep it up. She is also reminding me that should I get weak and consider sending him an email or giving him a phone call, to have an interpreter handy as we will never understand a word he says in his defense or should he offer a sincere apology.

Oscar: As much as Oscar is for forgiveness, true love, soul mates and what is meant to be will be….she is telling me to keep walking. She is so angry at him this time around, she could eat matches and shitfire. Her new favorite phrase when it comes to him is: Fuck that! While she does not think he did any of this intentionally or that he meant to hurt me, she is at a loss to explain his lack of communication or his inability to give a straight answer. The fact that he will say I send him ugly emails yet will not tell me to STOP sending them, the fact that he read every one of them and has proven that terming his actions “high-schoolish” is giving him too much credit has her wondering what really happened to this man over the years, and that yes, I am too beautiful, intelligent, wonderful and sexy for him. To Oscar, at this point he can do nothing to earn my trust, respect and love and if he had all the money in the world, he still could not afford me.

The Chef: He has known him the longest (over 20 years) but Chef is MY friend and like Artsy Craftsy, he wants us to get it right, but he thinks the man is dumb, dense and is as stupid as he looks. He wants me to calm down, cool off and leave the ghetto at home….then go have a face to face talk with him. He wants us to clear the air, compromise and then just no more talking. Chef says we are the couple who either need to stay naked and indoors or simply never speak as verbal communication/conversation is not our strong point. Chef agrees that he does not know how to treat me or how to respond to a healthy, loving relationship, but he wants me to help him understand. Chef says that what we have is once in a lifetime (on his end, especially) and he does not want him to miss out on this….. Chef has seen some of what he has been through, and is so glad a woman like me entered his life. He does not want me to be the one that got away and who he falls in love with once I am gone forever. However, as I point out to Chef, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink. Chef just asks that I do not replace the love with anger and I keep an open mind.

Buddy: According to Buddy, I could gain another 200 pounds and still be too good for him. Buddy says that any man who treats a woman better as his secretary (and he had fantasies of me back then) than as his lover does not deserve a woman at all. Seriously, Buddy would rather me go through another Craigslist Experiment before taking up with him again. Buddy is neutral when it comes to him: he neither likes him nor does he not like him, but Buddy cannot stand stupidity; and being over half a hundred, if you do not know what you have right in front of your face is all you claim you have been looking for, he doesn’t deserve me and never did.

The group consensus is he fooled us all this time around, the BTH does not exist outside of the party or the appointment he made to get the pictures. A couple of us believe she does exist (kind of like Santa Claus and M&MS), and I waffle on my theory. Whether she exists or not, we can all agree that there is nothing there on either end and nothing has happened.  He is a fool who can dish it out and not take it as evidenced by his lame ass excuse/explanation and the fact that after all this went down he was going to return my panties and porn in a bag and leave it at the reception desk to avoid facing me. The Panel says I DID go overboard and I have no excuse for that….right is right and wrong is wrong (when Morning Person and Girlfriend say I went too far, I must have said some serious shit). They know I love him and while they are not bashing him, they are giving me their truth and insight. They all want me to be happy on a long term basis and until this fool can break through enough to see and realize what he has in me and what we had together, they know I never will. I have to stick with the process, build up my resolve and if I am stuck, they are stuck with me. It won’t last forever….I just have to let time do what it does which hopefully will be to heal me, soothe me, move me on and help me better safeguard my heart.

Mars, Venus and Aphrodite

The title is a little out there and may have you thinking I am going to either quote or compare my (former) relationship to the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, but I am not. I have never even read the book….men and women are both from Earth. I had thought of incorporating some horoscopes/astrology into it as I am still reading the horoscopes, lovescopes and numerology reports and we all know planets play a role in that. But, it is not about horoscopes or planetary alignments either. I will say we are both fire signs (Aries and Leo) and in numerology we are both odd ( he is a 1 and I am a 3) and for the past 3 days both horoscopes have been saying the same thing: his is telling him he is missing the person from whom he is separated, and he knows what will make him happy; just make the decision. Mine is telling me to cultivate patience and acceptance while I wait for the threads of my love life to become untangled.  

Mars and Venus are from Roman mythology…..Mars was the Roman God of War and Venus was the Goddess of Love and Mars’ lover. Aphrodite is from Greek mythology and was the Goddess of Lust, Beauty and Love. You know how artists, writers and musicians claim to have muses? The inspiration that gives birth to their creativity? I think we all have muses and in this process, I consider these 3 figures to be mine. Have I mentioned how much I absolutely HATE the process? It has me confused, waffling and all I know for certain is that the time between meeting and finally leaving is sometimes called falling in love. The process helps you to fall out of love, it helps you to put what once was so wonderful behind you and maybe I am not ready to do that yet……maybe I want to recapture the wonderful. Yet, the process reminds me that both of us have to want to do that, and both of us have to be willing to practice acceptance, tolerance and be willing to make sincere amends and actually put forth the effort. So I have my muses to help me make sense of my flip flopping emotions, to help me accept acceptance and to maybe not hate the process so much because it is ultimately for my own good and the sanity of the Panel.

Mars, the Roman God of War was second only to Jupiter as far as importance to ancient Romans. The month of March is named after him and festivals were held in his honor in March and October. Mars is NOT one to fool with. You know the expression “at the drop of a hat”? Mars is ready before the hat hits the ground. Mars would declare war by opening the gates of his temple, so pretty much every time he left the house, he was out to kick someone’s ass. Mars is thunder and lightning; hurricanes and massive typhoons. He takes no prisoners and Mars questions every loving thought or moment I have. Yesterday I wrote that I regret hurting him, and Mars is scratching his head wondering why. This is not our first time going through this, and Dude is not new to my wrath. Whatever I said to him, he deserved it and pretty much asked for it when he opened the gates to my temple, releasing my issues. Whose fault is it that he started this crap, and I ended it? Is it my fault that I can kick his ass through the goal posts of hell and back?  When I poured my heart out to him and he responded with some bullshit (he actually said, I WILL regain my inner strength), love went out the window and Mars sent the response. It shut him up for 3 weeks. Initially, Mars was the Roman God of fertility, so there is a lot of passion there….it just manifests itself with a lot of anger. Which makes sense as no matter how I feel about him on a given day…..love or hate, it is still passion and what I long for is indifference and frankly I do not think I will ever get that. Even before we became intimate, there was never any indifference between us. It has always been passionate, smoldering and threatening to boil over……it was so in the beginning and it is so now, at the end. Aphrodite allowed us to take the lid off  and let it boil over for our physical encounters and Mars wants it off now to let the anger and hurt run rampant, but there must be boundaries.

Venus gives me that boundary. Venus and Aphrodite are almost the same person…both are Goddesses of love and beauty, but there is a difference. Venus is the Goddess of Spiritual Love, and Aphrodite is the Goddess of Physical Love. Venus was  known for her fertility and her beauty inspired countless festivals and pageants; despite her numerous affairs with the Gods of Ancient Rome,  she was known for her chastity. Venus believes that love is more than the physical and true love goes all the way to the soul. I am not sure if my love for him goes to my soul, but it runs deeply and is unconditional. In spite of this incredibly fucked up fiasco, in spite of his quirks and flaws…..I can still only see me with him and I can see him with only me. I am hurt and angry, but if he showed up hurt, sad and looking pitiful….I would hold him, tell him it’s okay and just be with him. For me, it does not have to be sexual when we are together. I have said it before and I will say it again: I would pay to see that man take a nap. I want to see the smile that only I can put on his face, and I want to feel the butterflies he STILL gives me after two years. Venus encourages me to put the hurt aside and to see the beauty in him versus the ugliness; Venus tells me to be patient and work on forgiveness so we can try again. Venus is a dreamer and an optimist who calms Mars down with her beauty, her smile and her charms. Venus has Mars thinking that maybe it is better to make love, not war.  

Aphrodite…what can I say about her?  According to legend, Aphrodite was born when Uranus’ genitals were cut off and tossed into the sea; from the sea foam arose Aphrodite and her beauty was known to cause jealousy and wars. She truly may be our driving force. I talk about our friendship, our mental and emotional connections, but the physical/sexual attraction was what brought us together and laid the foundation for everything else. Our chemistry? Seriously, I do not think I can even describe it and I do know I will never, never , never have it again with another. When I was angry I kept saying he had a limp dick and told you guys about the erectile dysfunction, but guess what? He still satisfied me beyond my imagination and it would appear, limp or not, I still want that part of him….along with everything else. With Aphrodite, we see only the beauty and good in each other, and when we are sexual…..time is suspended and we are perfect, in every way. I am beautiful  and he is handsome (I think we are regardless but when we are together it is perfect beauty, like airbrushed, glossy magazine cover perfect); I am sexy and not fat, and he is my Adonis. (Those who have seen him are probably shaking their heads and I can hear Artsy Craftsy grunting before uttering, “Gross” in her 1980s Valley Girl way.) Together, we are without flaws and imperfections. Aphrodite allowed us to take off our masks completely and had us naked and vulnerable with each other in every sense of the words. We shared things sexual and emotional that no one should ever know and it was so right, so wonderful.  I am not jealous, but I do not want him with another and truthfully, he does not want me with anyone else either. The thought of either of us doing to another what we did to each other…..it tears me up inside and causes him to do really immature things. Aphrodite is not worried about will we reconcile; she already knows and is waiting so she can remove the lid to allow us to explode and boil over in the most delicious, sensual and sinful of ways.

Three powerful emotions: anger, love and lust. Which one will dominate and are any of them ruled by the brain, or all ruled by the heart? I need common sense and acceptance to step up and break through to help me choose which path to take. Anger will not help either of us in the long run…..it will make me bitter and allow me to continue to hurt him and let’s be honest here: there is a difference between retribution and overkill. I think I am dangerously close to that line. If I choose sex, we will be okay for a little while, but beneath the passion of lust, will anything have been resolved? Will we really have forgiven and be ready to move on past the elephant in the room, or will the issues and inadequacies surface as soon as we part ways? Love may be the path to take: we will be able to forgive and forget and move forward in either direction. Except love is paired with understanding and what if our understandings are different now? Remember, we both have control issues and being two fire signs with all our compatibility, when we differ….. we differ. And let us not even think of his making a move without bringing along his mixed signals. What if I have forgotten how to read them? So what to do if we make amends, talk it out and we are not on the same page? What if I make a decision and here he comes, being all I want and need again? What if he fills my empty space and turns my grief to grace, only to do the same thing again? What if he still does not know how to treat me clothed the way he treats me naked? I cannot be on my knees again, holding on to only memories while my heart is shattered into a million pieces again. It is a vicious cycle and the hamster wheel keeps turning, but I am slowly pulling myself together. I can do nothing but endure until the answers come and they do not come easily.

A Few Regrets

It is the weekend, and it is a lazy, random weekend for me. I was going to change my closet over as it has been downright chilly lately, but of course, it is supposed to be in the upper 70s/lower 80s all next week, so that chore got cancelled. Want it to warm up? Make plans to prepare for colder weather. I do have laundry from last week that needs to be hung and folded and laundry that needs to be washed, but today I slept and tonight…I am sitting in darkness, smoking and thinking while my music plays in the background. Tonight I am listening to instrumental as I am confused and do not need another’s words influencing me……love, hate, anger, hurt, resignation and regret are swirling around in my head and heart and I need to sort it all out.

We all take stock of ourselves from time to time…where we are in the grand scheme of things, marking off goals and accomplishments on some checklist we all have. We all have different goals and accomplishments and we all have a different timeline for these things: home ownership by the age of 40, committed relationship/marriage by the age of 30 or so, at least one baby by age 35, corner office/partner/upper management position at work within the first 5 years of coming onboard…..we all have a checklist. Usually we follow the rules and the paths that will lead us to these goals; others take the more scenic route, or detour/shortcut to get there.  So wherever we are in our lives right now, is this where we are supposed to be, or is it because we put ourselves there? Yes, Higher Power gives us the choice of free will, but in the end, does not His plan for us come to fruition as His will is stronger than our own?

When I was younger, I wanted to be nothing more than a wife and mother. Of course, like other young girls I had thoughts of being a singer, actress and even a teacher. I can’t sing, and have little patience for teaching others. I can show you, but to sit you down and explain why 2+2=4 or dissect sentences by nouns, verbs, and predicates….forget it. I once toyed with becoming a pro basketball player but the one year I did play school basketball, I scored 2 points the entire season. Then I thought about becoming a bus driver (once upon a time, I was a Metro groupie), but I still saw me with a husband and a couple of kids, complete with the house with the white picket fence. I would have wonderful holiday dinners, and my parents would come over along with my siblings and their spouses and children and we would have a Hallmark time. Of course, NONE of it worked out the way I thought it would.

Upon graduation from high school, I went to work in retail…..I was tired of school and classes and in my mama’s house, you are either in school or holding down a job. I will state I do not regret not going to college; if I did not tell you I am not a college grad, you would never know. I am  intelligent, well-read, well-spoken and my experiences have given me an insight into people that serves me well. I will take an intelligent person over an educated one any day, and unless you are one of the people I am referring to, I know you feel me on that statement.  I met a man (actually I had met him in high school but I was still underage), he was my first love and the one who introduced me to drugs. Some people want to beat his ass to this day, but I hold nothing against him. I knew the dangers and was raised in a drug free environment; I had a choice and I chose to share his world. While I do wish I did NOT experience some of what I did ( rapes, beatings, being homeless), I do not regret the road I chose. This is in NO WAY an endorsement for drug use or abuse, but even in sin there is a season of pleasure and I have to say I met people that colored my world, changed my life and make me realize that no matter where we come from, we are all vulnerable and susceptible. I was getting high with suburban housewives who would work jobs, bathe babies and make meatloaf during the day, and smoke up Peru at night. I met lawyers, chefs, department heads, pregnant women, fathers, grandmothers, and just the plain lost folks who had no direction……men and women who for some reason found solace and escape in drugs. I talked with these people, we shared secrets, we laughed and we cried when members of our circle died or were killed. I met men who were nice, freaky, generous….a couple of them fell for me, and one guy loved me so much he took me  in off the streets in an attempt to clean me up. He fed me, bought me clothes and nursed me when I was sick…..and I repaid him by stealing his paychecks and keys. I locked him in his own house, stole his truck and rented the vehicle out to drug dealers. I regret that, and what makes it even worse is that when he finally escaped and tracked me down, he did not even press charges.

My addiction was filled with good and bad, and the one thing I DO regret is that I gave so much of my life to it…15 years I was in the streets. Time is the one thing no one can get back, but if I flip the coin around…..there are still so many I shared this experience with who either died or are still out there…..so while I did do a lot of time, I made it out on the other side, alive, sane and healthy. I do not regret the jail time associated with my actions during this time…..some funny folks are in the jails and prisons and you can learn a lot from every person you meet even if it is only what or how not to do something; you simply need the time to listen and being locked up offers you nothing but time. I also do not regret not having children…..my addiction always came first, and I would not have been there for my children. The state would have them or my parents…..everyone would be raising my children but me, and I was out there for 15 years and it has taken me 8 years to get myself together. My children would never have known me as their mother, but as their friend. And to have one now?? Best to leave the babies where they are.  

Career-wise, I have no regrets. My path of drug addiction took me off whatever path I was on and subsequently, I lost my sense of direction so when I entered recovery, I had no idea what I wanted to do. Recovery gave me choices; I attended a vocational school where I studied typing and computer applications, and I found my niche. I wanted to be a secretary/administrative assistant…and for the past 7 years, I have worked hard, worked steadily and I take pleasure and pride in being the person that makes my manager look good. I have no idea where I am supposed to be at my age and level of experience  in the work force, but this economy has kind of put everyone in the same boat…..grateful to get up and go out to work every day. Of course I would love a bigger paycheck, but maybe I need to learn to budget better. I do not travel as much as I would like but I have been some places, and I am sure if I stay on the right path and save my pennies, I will be properly rewarded and I will be one jet-setting sista. I do not regret not owning a home…first, it is always a possibility but it will always be a responsibility, and a big one at that. My cutie-pie apartment serves me well for now….it has for the past 6 years and until my career and finances stabilize again, it will serve me well still. It is easy to clean, a roof over my head and a great place to be. I have made it mine and sometimes, I walk in, look around and wonder who lives here? Then I realize….I do, I  do and it makes me happy.

Him…..I do have regrets but not over meeting him or falling in love with him. I regret that I still have so little control over my issues that this time around, I hurt him. I mean, I really hurt him. Yes, I feel he deserved to be hurt: he is a grown man who claims to have all this honor, integrity and respect that he seems to forget to show me, but I belittled him, emasculated him , threw his secrets back in his face, and crossed lines that he would never think to cross with me. Actions and words hurt equally and I know he is as bruised and bloody as I am right now. I am NOT excusing his treatment of me nor his actions, but as everyone ( Panel, Independent Consultants and my heart) is telling me…….I might as well have stripped him naked and beaten him with a baseball bat with rusted nails sticking out of it. If I could see him now, I would tell him that I love him so very, very much (I know my words recently do not reflect that),  but I am not a doormat and you can’t treat me any old kind of way and not expect consequences and repercussions. I would tell him his treatment of me raises my issues, which run so deep. I know I hide them well, but they are there and once unleashed, they do not know when to stop. I wanted him to cry and hurt just like he made me, and please please do not hate me. I am still the woman you kissed, laughed with and shared secrets with (which I still hold); I am still the woman who does not care about your age, or your issues….maybe with more trust and time, we could have helped each other go further in all ways; I am still the woman he held and said was really a good girl…I just get carried away sometimes and I need him to reel me in; I need him to hold me and tell me its all right. I would tell him I wish none of this had happened and we were still US, and I miss him so damned much…so very, very much. I miss kissing him, laughing with him and being with him; I miss sharing my day and funny jokes with him. But I cannot go back because unless he knows how to treat me, my issues will not know how to treat him. I am sorry…..more than he will ever freaking know that it went down the way it did, and I should have enough of something to stop the ball from rolling downhill but I don’t….and we cannot keep doing what we do to each other once the clothes come back on.

So this is my check-in with myself. I do not believe that anyone should keep up with the Joneses……who knows what their monthly expenses are and I already know I cannot afford it.  Food on the table, clean clothes and a roof over your head is what you need. Wants will not kill you. I do not believe that there are any normal relationships anymore…..if you find someone who understands you, respects you and makes you happy…..that is all that matters. Someone who makes you laugh more than they make you cry, and will be there to share your burden. At the end of the day, it is all about stability, companionship and being content with yourself and your partner. If you have that, that is all that matters.

Darkness and Light

You guys know I love Grey’s Anatomy, right?? I mean, LOVE it….as if the characters are real people who are a part of my social circle. This new season is reminding me of how the show was when it first started: simple, yet complex with the characters revealing even more of themselves to me, layer by layer. Did I ever tell you about the time The Girlfriend and I tried to wrangle bereavement leave when Meredith “died”? Even though we knew she wouldn’t stay dead (she IS the lead character), we worried for two weeks what would happen, and what would become of Derek and Christina if she somehow did not make it. And have I mentioned how much I totally LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Christina Yang? Strong, yet vulnerable……independent and mysterious, yet lonely and wanting acceptance……Christina is one of a kind……come on—she’s an Asian named Yang who is Jewish; she is one who breaks the mold everytime and I most identify with her. I would say I see myself in all of the characters, but Christina is who I can relate to the best.

When she was with Burke, I was in love with them. I loved Christina with Burke and was livid when they broke up and she got with Owen. I did NOT like Owen….first, he was NOT Burke and that is who Christina belonged with. But maybe…..Burke and Christina were too intense together and it worked out the way it did because that was the only way it COULD have worked out.  Burke was larger than life, and a bright shining light. No one was an enemy; everyone was  competition and treated as such. Christina may have started out as a love interest for him, but ended up a conquest. She was just as focused and intense as he was, and wanted her light to shine just as brightly as Burke’s, but Burke wanted to keep her in the shadows. HE was a teacher, she was a student. He even told her once that HE was a world renowned, first class surgeon and she was a lowly intern. She was challenging, hard headed and why couldn’t she let him love her? She wanted to know if she could have both: the great career and the happy home, but with Burke that would not have been possible. Not saying that Burke was a complete and utter ass….he tried very hard to break through to Christina, to understand her and to become a part of her world as he wanted her to be  part of his…but some part of Christina just could not or would not break completely down and somewhere along the line, Burke stopped trying.  I think it came about when Burke got shot…..you could see the fear of losing Burke forever in her face, in her eyes and in her actions. Then  we found out that the surgery that saved his life left him with tremors in his hands, and he could no longer operate and Burke could not have that. Surgery was his life, and while most women would have been insulted or upset (your job means more to you than I do?) Christina understood because she had the same drive and she told him she would help him, she would protect him and they would get through this. Christina….his lover, his pupil….became his hands, yet Burke took the credit. Christina was an intern on his service…nothing more, nothing less. Christina was sweating bullets, breaking ass over elbow and thrust completely into the fire performing surgeries that she could not even pronounce; she was the one saving lives and Burke hid it all under the guise of teaching/training her. She was the one who should have receiving the heart-felt thanks and the accolades, but Burke stole her thunder and her spotlight. Still, because she loved him, and whether she got the recognition or not, she was performing surgeries she had only dreamed of and was becoming a damned fine surgeon because of it, she overlooked and  compromised: she moved in with him, she accepted the fact he outed them to hospital and she even became a porcelain doll for her wedding to him…one of my favorite quotes from Christina is “Mama Burke took my eyebrows!” when she was prepping for her big day. She would complain to Burke and when he berated her and told her she would learn to love it, she would always tell him she was trying and doing the best she could. She put herself out there for the man she loved, kept his secrets and her reward? ON the actual wedding day, he left her. In the hall of the church, in her beautiful gown and gorgeously made up face …..he left. He gave some bullshit excuse which he could have told her at any point OTHER than in the church  5 minutes before she was due to walk down the aisle. When Christina returned to their apartment and realized he really had left her, all she could do was tell Meredith to get her out of that damned dress because she just couldn’t breathe. She just cried and cried, gasping “I can’t breathe” over and over.

Then she took up with Owen….who was brash, aggressive and to put it mildly, strange. Everything he did had some sort of shock value attached to it. The man has issues, baggage and I wanted him to go away. His demons have led him to stand in a shower fully clothed—shoes and all and once he had a PTSD episode in his sleep and awoke to find his hands around Christina’s neck, choking the life out of her. Christina forgave him, but insisted he go get help….and he did. Owen wants every doctor to have trauma training to help not only prevent another hospital shooting, but to minimize damage if one should occur. He wants to help himself and others. He wants to be a better man, a better surgeon and a better person. He wants Christina to be happy and Christian wants the same for him. She is willing once again to compromise, not to prove her love or to gain his love, but to show her love. Although both she and Owen are standing in the darkness that issues and demons bring with them, they are looking at the light and want to take each other into that light. He wants her to shine as brightly as he does. With Owen, maybe she can have it all: the career, the happy home and all without sacrificing self-respect or losing herself in the process. He knew she was still traumatized by the shooting and he encouraged her to take her time and even though all kinds of juicy surgeries were coming her way, she took her time and when she did make her move towards becoming Dr. Yang again….it was all the better because it was her move, made her way and in her own time. And Owen was there with her, supporting and encouraging her every step of the way. And last night, Owen did something that Burke was never able to do, and made me see him in a totally different light……he made Christina smile. Anyone who can bring a smile to my Christina’s face cannot be ALL bad. Maybe with Owen, Christina will be able to breathe again.

I had a panic attack yesterday, just from seeing his name in print. Seriously. I know it is not an isolated incident: seeing a car like his, a person who looks like him….we have all been there. It made me realize that I still love him so so much, yet I have endured enough of the process to know that loving him is not enough. With he and I, the darkness and light blur to make a shadowy gray, turning us into anomalies. We have so much love…..yet with him I do not feel free enough or secure enough to give it again and he has never felt secure enough or trusted me enough to share it (or receive it)  except in the most intimate of moments. Our most intense times, the most poignant of looks, touches and expressions all take place without a word being spoken. In our respective areas, we shine with so much light, and when we are together in private, it burns with the intensity of a thousand suns…..yet when the clothes come back on and we are no longer face to face…..it seems all we offer each other is darkness. We are filled with humor, respect and kindness….except to each other. We hurl ugliness, disrespect, disdain, indifference and cruelty at each other as if we were playing a baseball game and we were on opposing teams. I keep his secrets, and venture into unknown territory with him; I offer him love, laughter, acceptance and understanding; in return, he gives me my safe haven, my refuge, my happy place….but not for long. And I need to go further…..I need him to be available to me. I need him to let go of the issues, the inadequacies and to stop hiding behind masks, shadows and excuses.  I will not change for him but he needs to change for me. He needs to let me in further, he needs to want to go further….I am not looking to move in, marriage or even a full blown committed relationship…..but I need him to want me and only me, and to show me on a consistent basis his appreciation of and for me. Maybe he and I are Christina and Burke…with the chemistry/attraction and a connection on all levels, but yet we are too much for each other and will only burn each other out. Things cannot remain as they are between us, and while I want a new beginning, a fresh start and a chance for us to get it right with each other….there can be no beginnings without endings. I want to be able to breathe without worrying about when will the axe fall again, without wondering if this time that we hold each other will be the last time, without the fear of being rejected for no reason at all. I want to be able to smile, and know that he will be the one to keep it there. I want him to be able to tell me  how he does feel versus what he doesn’t. I want him to know that I will be the one to never hurt him. And when it is time to part ways and start new chapters, to be able to do so as a man, face to face and with maturity. I don’t want to be the psycho stalker bitch that is constantly hurting his feelings and feeding the issues, yet I also don’t want to be the expendable one. I want us to be free of the darkness, able to explore our fascination with light together….and for both of us to be able to go further.