I Wish I Didn’t Understand….


So it is 4am and I am wide awake, blogging. I was going to blog last night, but fell asleep talking to The Policeman and figured I would blog this evening after work and dinner with Reliable One, and even knew what I was going to blog about, but that will be for tomorrow. I woke up with an epiphany, if you will and here I am.  Random thought: I have to admit, I am pleasantly surprised by the responses and feedback I got from The Chicken Wing Conspiracy, but I guess for a lot of us ( not just me) , food is a part of the pleasure, the pain and apparently, the process. I have an Outside Observer who deals with The Double Whopper Dilemma and I am loving that.

Today, I am going to talk about understanding. In healthy relationships, understanding is a good thing. It helps you to reach a level of connection and commitment that could very well lead to a happily ever after. It strengthens the bonds and ties, promotes friendship and builds a stronger foundation. In an unhealthy relationship, understanding is the worst thing that could ever happen to you. In an unhealthy relationship, understanding is Bull.Shit.  Understanding could either drive you crazy or be the death of you when you are unhealthy and in an unhealthy relationship. In an unhealthy relationship, you have a depth of understanding that no one should ever have and that leads to the two of you having an understanding…and the two things are totally different, but not separate if that makes any sense.

In my situation, the one thing that he and I have is a complete understanding of the other. I understand his pain, his issues, the reasons he does what he does. I understand he has been hurt, that every time ( except me) that he has put himself out there he has been thrown under a bus, dragged to the nearest metro station and thrown on the tracks for the trains to run him down. I understand that is why I am getting the fallout, the hurtful behaviors and treatments ( intentional or otherwise), why he cannot express himself to me. Which leads to his leaving when things are good, his irresponsibility and his immature, childish behaviors. Understanding allows me to condone, excuse and justify completely irrational behavior and inexcusable actions, and that my friends, is Bull.Shit. He understands me with my control issues, my trust issues, my lack of anger management which allows me to belittle him when I get good and ready, allows me to email him to just say Fuck you and you know why. He understands, and allows himself to be my whipping boy and he says nothing: he does not tell me to grow up, he does not say he is not the one, he does not say move on, leave me alone or to go fuck myself. He takes it all, and will hold me when we get together and says he understands. We both understand the need to express and indulge our kinkiness and I will be searching the web for all kinds of deviant porn, reviewing it to see if it would interest him; it allows him to explore and express his fears of infidelity on my part and has him spanking my ass until it is red, swollen and whelped and we are both at a level of excitement and passion, it is unreal. Understanding has us both being a couple of immature fools who bring out the best, worst and kinkiest in each other and has brought about an understanding. Yes, I can love him, but cannot say it to his face. Yes, he will give me what I need, but do not lock or label him. Whenever he does fucked up shit to me, I cannot go off and become angry because when I do my fucked up shit to him, he takes it with a straight face and no complaint, and why can’t I do the same? Understanding has him thinking that regardless of what he did or how he did it, this time around I am as much to blame as he is because I am not adhering to the understanding we have, and understanding has me thinking this makes sense.

Understanding brings about denial, where the person you know, the person you have such a deep understanding of could  never do such a thing to you. How can they be so fucked up and there must be another reason, but sometimes the plain truth of the matter is….they are fucked up. They were fucked up when you met them and being with you and your unhealthy ass has made them even more fucked up. Seriously. If you are not unhealthy and you are reading this blog…..you just like drama, are a member of the Panel ( and that does not count as we are all pretty fucked up in our own ways) or you are either my sister or her BFF. So, you are unhealthy…they are unhealthy and issues will manifest themselves, especially if they think they will find understanding and acceptance somewhere. Issues will peek out and let you catch a glimpse of them, and you are thinking to yourself: Oh, is that all? I can handle that. Then bit by bit, they reveal themselves but it is so subtle and all the while emotions are becoming entangled and next thing you know……you are being blindsided and wondering what happened? Kind of like crabs in a pot…..you slowly turn the heat up higher and higher so they aren’t jumping out of the pot and all over your kitchen trying to escape and next thing they know, they are cooked and about to dipped in butter and served with beer. So it is with the denial that understanding brings: you understand what you know of the person, you understand what they have allowed you to see and sometimes there really is more beneath the surface and because you do not know that…..your understanding is skewered and incomplete but because YOU DON’T KNOW that your perception is off, you make excuses, put on blinders and wear denial  like a shawl because your person would NEVER do this shit and reveal themselves to be a complete and utter cowardly asshole or to be a totally fucked up person. Your understanding of this person allows you to deny the truth staring you in the face, and that my friends….is Bull.Shit.

Acceptance does not stand a chance against understanding. Understanding has denial on its side and a whole other host of unhealthy things has its back. Understanding will allow you to twist acceptance and the reality it brings with it to suit your own needs to soothe self-respect, self-worth and self-esteem and keep them quiet and let them think they are okay. Understanding will allow you to warp the facts and truths acceptance brings with it so you are the victim, so you are the one who is right and they are the ones who are wrong because they stepped outside the box and crossed the lines of the understanding between you. In its own way, understanding is worse than love. Love KNOWS when it has been disrespected and knows that it deserves better and knows that someone out there will treat it with all the healthiness and kindness and respect that it is worthy of;  love will get to stepping in a freaking heartbeat. Understanding will not; understanding will keep you stuck and going through the motions and reliving the cycle because who will understand you the way this person does?

So this is my take on understanding….it is as unhealthy as anything out there, it is Bull.Shit. and I wish I did not have any.

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2 thoughts on “I Wish I Didn’t Understand….

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