When Ya Know that Ya Know….


Okay…EVERYTIME I say we are going to have a lighthearted day without Him or the process, something jumps off. Seriously….every time. I am completely baffled as to how it happens. So, let’s just jump right into it and see what the hell happened.

Today I had talks with Artsy Craftsy, The Chef and Quiet One…..kind of like a weekly therapy session/status update sort of thing. It is the consensus of these discussions that he is really does know and is starting to realize what he has done, and that he will be back, but the question is when. Quiet One and The Chef says it will be sooner than later and Artsy Craftsy is thinking it will be later….there are consequences and he knows he has crossed lines that have basically put him in No Man’s Land. At this point, I am pissed and hurt and am seeing beyond the blinders. See, the pisstivity is allowing some acceptance in, and I am at the place that I KNOW that he is wrapped in a cloak of denial so thick, it can keep him warm on the coldest Antarctica night. This denial allows him to trip though life thinking it isn’t him…..it’s me being a crazy bitch. Yes, he wants me but we are not “together” and he has no feelings “like that” for me…..despite him looking at my picture every day ( he has told me this), despite him wanting me to be privy to this relationship. Whatever his reasoning for THAT is, he KNOWS I am going to speak up and speak out if only to tell him I do not need to know this crap…..so we are still tied. The acceptance has also allowed me to finally admit that no matter HOW many times we go through this dance, no matter how many times I profess my love to him, no matter how many times we are together….it will still be too much for him, and he will bail in a fucked up way and show me that he cannot even give me the basics: common courtesy, basic respect, and a goodbye. He will bail when shit is good with no closure, because he needs to keep the door open, even though he  says he is not into me.  He needs his safe haven even though he cannot handle it . Seriously, I am simply too classy, too beautiful, too everything for him. I am the one who when he comes over, the house is spotless, there are candles lit and soft music playing…from my Zune player, not the radio so it is continuous and no commercials. I am the one with the sexy lingerie,  hot kisses and intelligent conversation. I am the one who has cold beers and his favorite liquor and as far as I know, the only one who will allow him to smoke his cigars indoors. I am the one who will put in the porn, and allow him to be a man. The one who will indulge the kinks and fetishes and push boundaries. The last time we were together, he just gazed at me for the longest time, kissing, rubbing and touching every inch of my body, telling me I am so beautiful and have such amazing skin. Outside the bedroom, my tastes in restaurants and movies leave him flabbergasted. He is an Outback, Romano’s Macaroni Grill or Ruby Tuesday sort of person  and his idea of upscale is Clyde’s. I am Oceanaire, Smith & Wollensky’s, Eatonville and Capital Grille. My idea of casual is Vapiano’s or Matchbox, although I am not above  IHOP, fast food or 5 Guys. Movies…..he is into Tyler Perry and mindless comedies where he does not have to think;  while I will watch them, I am also into documentaries,  indie films ( The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and Get Low) rom-coms with some substance and films that make you think like The Boy with the Striped Pajamas. He is not a reader, but I absolutely adore it. I am just too much and it made me cry to realize that  in spite of me being the one to help him with his issues, the one  to quiet the ghosts and voices (and now I really wonder if he thinks that putting the pictures up indicates to him that he has moved on past the Dead Ex-Wife and that the Big Tittied Hooker is the one who moved him?)  and me being the one to build him up and stroke his ego ( among other things) ; despite what I do offer, and what he does and can see of me…..it will never be enough to break through his inadequacies and whatever he does feel will always be skewered because he does not trust either of us enough to completely surrender to the feelings. So if I allow the heart to rule the head and I get hurt AGAIN…..who is to blame?  If I give in to the love and allow myself to trust him again…..am I the one to blame because I love him? Am I to blame cause this time I know, but believe his words, his whispers, his touch? Or is it him for using my love to his advantage and abusing my trust again?

Oscar is in a place of knowing, and she has even stated that when she gives in and sees Him, Jr.  she will love him that night and hate him the next day….and it has happened this weekend. Friday was family night….Mommy, Daddy and Baby enjoying pizza and movies. Playing together and enjoying their love for their baby and the good feelings they have for each other. Baby bath time, adult time and probably sweet, sweet love. A slight argument arose, but nothing a kiss and a cuddle could not squash. Saturday morning cleaning, breakfast and more family time…..and then it was over. Time  for Oscar and the baby to go home, and Daddy to go play ball with the fellas. Except Daddy only played football for 20 minutes, claiming heat exhaustion. When Oscar talks to him later on, she asks him out for drinks and food at a local tavern and he tells her: “No. I am not feeling well, and besides, we just  spent time together”….or something to that effect. A cruel and unnecessary statement that has set off a chain of events that NO ONE could see coming, and has me reaching for my bag of emergency chocolate. In fact, I had to pause to light a cigarette before writing this because it is completely unbelievable. Okay, so Oscar is PISSED at the statement and a pissed Oscar is a psycho Oscar. After putting the baby to bed and getting her Mom to watch the baby, Oscar WALKS ( she does not drive and is scared of buses….long story) 20 blocks to Him, Jr. ‘s apartment and tells him she is outside…let her in. Him, Jr. is SHOCKED and pretty much lets her in the building but is blocking the door; however, he cannot block the smoke, music or noise coming from the apartment and Oscar pushes him aside to enter into a….party!! A party that is at least 40 people deep in a one bedroom apartment, filled with not one person she knows, and everyone ( including Him, Jr) is pretty much wasted and tore up from the floor up. Oscar goes off on him, wanting to know is this how he takes care of himself when he is not well, and is this why he cannot have a freaking drink and a burger with her?? Him, Jr.,  being a caught coward, LEAVES Oscar alone in the apartment full of under the influence strangers, texting her to just wait there for him, he will be right back. And Oscar, full of love or a need to know, was ACTUALLY WAITING!! I told her to get the fuck out of there pronto as she needed to ask herself WHAT she waiting around for? So she leaves, and on the walk home…..Him, Jr. has snagged a ride and finds her. Instead of ignoring him and continuing on her walk home, Oscar gets in the car and starts ranting and raging all the way back to his apartment….and I understand that move. YOU fucked up and I WILL be heard. The driver of the car goes back inside, leaving Oscar and Him, Jr. alone…..and here is where it gets ugly. Oscar steps out of the car, Him, Jr, following her, and she is still cursing a blue streak when  she trips and falls into a tree, banging her head hard. This is when Him, Jr. grabs her  arms so hard they are actually bruised,  and keeps shaking her and yelling at her: “WHY are you doing this to me?” People broke them up and last I heard from her, she was in the back of a cop car waiting to give a statement. I am in shock and all I can say is I do NOT condone this behavior from any man…..and now, Oscar KNOWS. She KNOWS more than ever before and  beyond a shadow of a doubt that this will never get better, and once this line has been crossed…..it will happen again and again and again. She KNOWS he will lie to her, he will provoke her to the point she is walking across town to verify suspicions and he will beat her to stop him from facing his role in this tragedy of a romance and to stop her from pointing it out. The question now is: what will she do with this knowledge? Will she break the ties that bind, or will she take him back when the dust settles? Will her love for herself and her child overcome her love for him? What choice will she make NOW that she KNOWS and will she be to blame if her choice is born of the heart and not the head and she goes through this again? Or is it his fault because he will manipulate her via the baby and their history?

Buddy….Buddy is knowing that the psycho-stalker bitch is crazy as shit. Seriously. They have broken up more times than Elizabeth Taylor has been married and she WILL. NOT. GO. Anywhere. She has slept in his car, invited herself over unannounced, moved her clothes and makeup into his place and when all else failed, she pitched a tent in his front yard. She spies on him with binoculars and will call him and actually ask him who is over his house. If he says no one, she will tell him she knows he is lying as she can see for herself someone is there. The woman calls him every 10 minutes when he is at work, and here is the kicker with that move: THEY WORK TOGETHER! They share the same shift and the same work location, so WHY are you calling him when all you have to do is turn the fuck around? She wants a committed relationship and all I can say is, she needs commitment all right. Yet, Buddy keeps going back…..he says she has a good and sweet side: she will stock his refrigerator, fill up his gas tank, clean his house top to bottom, wash his dirty drawers and is available sexually whenever he needs her to be. She cooks for him and invites him to family functions. He will fix her car, gives her rides to and from work, does handy man repairs around her house and plays with her children. But when he is not available to her…..she resorts back to her role that Glenn Close made famous in Fatal Attraction, and I have to wonder if stalking is just too high a price a pay for fried chicken and a blow job. Yet, Buddy KNOWS what the consequences are of dealing with this woman and although he claims to not have feelings for this woman, he never calls the police on her nor does he cut the ties with her. He keeps her around and says it’s hard to find a woman, crazy as shit or not. So, given that Buddy knows that he will be spied upon, harassed and stalked when he is not available for her ( which is every minute of every day) he holds on and who is to blame? Him, for not having the nerve to be alone and wait for someone not quite as crazy or is it her, for knowing if she applies enough pressure and sends enough threats, he will give in? Who will be to blame as this situation disintegrates to the point that dead woodland creatures will be nailed to the front door and suicide texts will appear on his phone?  Where he will be unable to sleep because he KNOWS she is out there watching and waiting or unable to date the sane chick because Stalker Chick will try to run them off the road? I know the what if scenarios sound melodramatic, but this is how I see this relationship playing out….definitely no happily ever after can come of this….at all.

Okay, it is late and the meds have worn off and I am damned near out of cigarettes. Today, I plan on lying low, being available for Oscar and dinner with my sister. As for the rest of the Panel: Morning Person will  definitely call a State of Emergency, Artsy Craftsy will want to know ALL the details and be ready to kick some ass  and Cuz will just be happy it isn’t him this time around. Chef and Quiet One will be shocked speechless and Fellow Leo will be reaching for aspirin.  Maybe tomorrow we can talk about co-workers, movies, the 80s….something other than the questions this breaking news bulletin has raised.  Seriously.

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