This is the post I promised to do for The Policeman. I hesitate to post this because who knows how he will take this if ever he reads it? People do not want to be seen objectively….it will ALWAYS come across as negative. People want to be seen in the best possible light: when things are good , they want you to see them as a hero or a person who has their stuff together, and when things are bad, they want to be seen as the victim or the underdog. Objectivity takes the good, the bad and the ugly and puts it all out there with no embellishments or apologies. I am going to blog it out for him though….no one knows who I am talking about anyway and it gives us a break from Him.
Policeman is a member of the Panel, but not many know of him. Really, he should be an Independent Consultant, but I cuss him out and make him my whipping boy too many times for him NOT to be on the Panel. He is a good guy, loyal friend, a jokester and I swear, this guy has more get rich schemes than an all infomercial, all the time cable channel. He is a husband, father and a hard worker; his advice to me seems to come off to me as flippant and nonchalant, but I know he means well….he just does not understand the depth and the variables and the fact that I just love him. He always says don’t beg someone to love you; don’t chase them, replace them. Which makes me wonder how strong his love is for his wife, or does he take it for granted? Yes, he has a chick on the side, which I get on him about all the time and tons of online female friends, but if you love someone and are in love with them, and they broke your heart….can anyone really just walk away? I agree with the don’t beg someone to love you, but after being dumped, my first question will always be why wasn’t I enough. No, you may not chase them, but definitely you are stuck and if you say you aren’t, you are lying to yourself, no matter how many people you sleep with, no matter how many bars and clubs you hit over the weekend.
So anyways, Policeman has this built in safety net because his wife has definitely taken him for granted. They have 4 kids ( 2 are hers from previous relationships, 2 are his), he works insane hours on his job….seriously, every time he calls me he is at work. When he is not working, he is trying to sign people up for the Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread, he is working on his cars, he is visiting his mom, and somewhere he finds time to see the side chick. His paychecks go towards providing for his family…mortgage, cable, utilities, school clothes for the kids, car upkeep and insurance and he basically does all the household chores: laundry, grocery shopping, taking out the trash and cleaning the house.
His wife works also, and her paycheck is hers. Period. She has no money to contribute towards household expenses and somehow she is always overdrawn at the end of the month; she does the bare minimum as far as domestic duties go, and as far as wifely duties? His birthday, Christmas, wedding anniversary and maybe here and there when he begs hard enough and then it really is only the bare minimum. Pretty much if she were dressed for tea with the Queen his options would be: remove the gloves. Not the lipstick, not the panties. Gloves.
They live in a 3 bedroom house and once, when I was laid off he came to get me to help me out with some money. He would pay me $20/room plus lunch to help him clean his house and help me and my ends meet; I am thinking 5-6 rooms is an easy $100-$120. After all, he is always telling me how he is cleaning up and he has a wife. I am thinking a quick vacuum, some dishes washed, pick up toys and clothes and then we would hit the Chinese buffet. Besides, I needed a distraction….him and I were arguing horribly that day, so I go. And O.M.G……I was ready to call TLC and have the crew of Hoarders show up. Seriously, Niecey Nash of Clean House would need two crews and a week to get this house ready. Pretty much I looked at him, looked at what I could see of the house ( I had seen enough to know I had seen too much) and got back in the car. I have NO idea how his house got the way it did; all I know is we all have mess in our lives and it manifests itself in different ways. Unless we address the mess quickly, it can become an overwhelming challenge where all you can do is minimize it, hide it or totally ignore it and tell yourself you really are okay.
So last night, Policeman calls me and is sounding so depressed and so hurt…I KNEW it was heartache. You know what heartache sounds like when you hear it, and my first thought was side chick had moved on to a single guy who could give her what she needed and deserved. Imagine my shock and surprise when he tells me that wifey-poo has told him she no longer wants him around. She wants him out of the house and possibly a divorce. When I asked what happened ( of course I am thinking he got found out), he says they were arguing over…..HOUSEKEEPING! If his house was not in the state it is in, I would have simply told him to leave right then and there. A divorce over pushing a vacuum and getting a Swiffer Sweeper? But I can feel her…this is not a case of dust bunnies and cobwebs in the corners. This housekeeping job would require hard work, effort and teamwork; almost like a relationship. She does not not want to be the one to have to clean the house, why can’t he do it. He pointed out he had been doing it, but there was simply too much…of everything. He wanted her to help him clear the clutter ( these people are pretty much relegated to one room….6 people living, eating and sleeping in one room in a 3 bedroom house) so they can live like normal people with space and room. She refused. She refused to allow him to hire a moving/cleaning crew and wants him out of the house.
He was devastated….he called out from work, drove around aimlessly, caught a movie and ignored calls from the side piece. He said when she told him that, all he wanted more than anything in the world was to just be with her. He didn’t want to replace her, he wanted to chase her until he caught her and never let her go. He didn’t want to lose his family, he loves his wife and is just now realizing how much.
I did not point out he had been jeopardizing the marriage for however long he had with one night stands and side pieces. I did not point out that this woman basically got a daddy for her babies and had taken him and his love for her for granted. I did not point out that her laziness and complacency had them living like folks on a reality television show. I asked him what was he going to do. His response: I am going home. I live there and I belong there. I suggested going to stay the night with side piece…..he could feel loved and wanted and give wifey time to cool off and maybe re-think her rash comments, but he said he did not want side piece, he did not want to explain or vent to her because that may give her hope and cause a whole new set of problems.
I have no idea what is going on now with this….he won’t answer his phone, I am not sure if he returned to work, or where he spent the night. All I know is even the most blasé and seemingly unmoved of us, the most objective of us, when confronted with the very things we dismiss or belittle in another’s life, can suddenly see it from the other person’s point of view and all of a sudden the statements we hear from others: I just want to know why. I don’t want another, I want THAT person. But I love them…..it all makes perfect sense and we all wish we could not see so clearly.