It has dawned on me that I am blogging about this healing process and, unless you are a Panel member, you have no idea of what has brought me to this point or why I am feeling as strongly as I am. So consider this blog the “scene setter” for this soap opera you have stumbled into and decide if you want to stick around. Two warnings: this is probably the longest blog post to date, and this blog will incorporate stuff from other blogs, so be prepared to think to yourself…..she has already said that. Love me hate, call me f*cked up….it has been done before and I am sure all 3 will occur at least once more before I die.
In order to set a scene, you need some background on the characters, so here you go…….
The Leading Lady: I have been in recovery for over 8 years, and still I take it one day at a time and never for granted. My drug of choice was crack, and I supported my habit by committing home invasions and selling my body to strangers for money. I was in active addiction for 15 years, and ended up homeless on the streets, with only 5 pieces of clothing and a pair of flip flops to my name. Not 5 outfits…..5 pieces of clothing that did not fit or match. I had been beaten and raped countless times, once anally at knifepoint and beaten with a hammer when I tried to escape, and my only thought when it was over was that the bastard didn’t even pay me. I am bruised, bloody, and someone has violated my most private of places and all I can think of is that I won’t be able to get high. When I finally went in for the help I needed, I had not bathed in 2 weeks, my hair had been uncombed, unwashed and under a wool cap for over a month.
I had an esteem issue, which was a result ( like the drug addiction) of deeper rooted issues. Before recovery ( and even during the early years of it), I validated myself through money and material gains from men; the best arrangement was a paid arrangement. Since I have allowed the process to take over, I now make my own money, found out I really am a great person and am generous, kind, compassionate and have respect for everyone…..I do not care if you are homeless, crazy or if you stink. Everyone deserves to be treated kindly and with respect. I believe in breaking things down to its simplest form, which comes across as harsh sometimes, but no one can argue with it and I am comfortable with my own company. I do not give my heart freely, but when I do, I give it completely. In spite of how pathetic and desperate I come across in this blog, I do love myself and very much. I am the one in the group that lights up a room and am larger than life. I am daring, dynamic and divalicious, yet a homebody who is happy spending the weekend sleeping, watching TV and Facebooking. I am the strongest person I know…..if you knew all I had been through this past year, you just might agree.
Of course, I still have my issues…..I do not trust easily, there are days when my self-esteem is lower than a snake’s belly, I hold grudges, can be manipulative to get what I want, I can be petty and vindictive and I do not take to change (sudden or otherwise) well…at all.
The Leading Man: He is a workaholic. He is a loner. Seriously. He has few ( if any) friends, he has been married once and it ended in divorce after almost 20 years. The marriage was stormy, tumultuous and I believe all of his emotional issues are a product of it. He is inexperienced sexually….I am the 5th woman he has been with sexually and the third he has attempted a relationship with, yet he is a sexual deviant. He is needy, both personally and professionally. He has feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. He suffers from depression and honestly, has no idea what he wants or what he is looking for. He knows what he has in and with me, but does not realize it. He knows it is intense and great, but it makes him want to both stay and stay away. He is scared to put himself back out there fully and can be the rudest mofo I know. Yet, he is funny, generous, sympathetic, has a sense of humor and when I look at him I see a handsome, wonderful man who just wants attention, affection and to be understood.
The Story thus Far: This is going to be the Cliff Notes version, and trust me I will hit all the highlights. We met at work….I was his secretary, and from Day 1, there was the chemistry and attraction. When I first saw him, I thought he was just so handsome and so thoughtful and his voice…..I could listen to him talk all day long. ( I see panel members shaking their heads right now and asking themselves…why, why, why?) I was the receptionist at the time and had a horrible cold; I was coughing non-stop, and he was in a meeting in the conference room. He excused himself from the meeting, asked if he could get me some water, and stood there, talking and joking with me while I drank it, then asked me if I wanted more. I had him get me water 5 times. I would have asked him out then, but he does not date co-workers. So over the years, I made his copies, typed his correspondence and a friendship developed. He told me stories, I told him stories…..we worked late together, and when my apartment was in jeopardy due to my landlord’s negligence, he was the one who hired me a lawyer to handle things. When I was going through drama with my relationship with the married metro man who had 7 kids and 4 baby mamas, he was the one with advice and guidance. When I called out sick ( even when we both knew it was bs), he never fussed or yelled; he just reigned me in when I was missing too many days. We got each other gifts for our birthdays, and hung out together at the holiday parties; everyone could see that we had something between us and he was my boss, my dad, my big brother and my friend. Then the layoff came, and I was on the short list. He says he fought hard for me and I believe that; frankly he is a better boss than boyfriend. In any case, I was no longer a co-worker and he pursued me; in fact when he approached me about a relationship he told me he knew I would be the one to piss him off; one thing about me, I do not hold my tongue and I will break it down so there is no misunderstanding as to what I say and what I mean.
I was going to approach this as a paid arrangement….he had had only one girlfriend since I worked for him and that did not last long at all. I knew he went to strip clubs and that tells me here was a man who did not mind paying for what he wanted. But, I did not go that route….we had history, he had already proven his generosity, I really considered him a friend and here was a chance for something substantial with a single man who appeared to offer stability. So we went for it……and good golly, Miss Molly!! Fireworks, fireworks, fireworks….NEVER in my life and vast experience ( I am a trained professional) have I ever experienced what I experience with him. The talking afterwards….the secrets he freely shared, the vulnerable side of him that only I may know…the intimacy. It was all so new and wonderful and I really did see myself in him. I told him my story and my secrets, and he looked at me with such love and pain, and he never said anything judgmental….nothing ever phased him and he just held me close and told me he was so proud of me. He told me I curled his toes and he was just basking and floating. When he revealed his hidden kinks and desires, I didn’t t flinch, and actually encouraged and shared it with him. We would either cook for each other or order out and feed each other. We simply could not get enough of each other…..we would say we were going to have a real in-house date every time we met; he would cook, and we would be in the living room watching TV, and before you knew it….clothes flying, furniture overturned. I will never forget the time a member of the Panel called soon after he had left my place, I told them I had to call them back after I put the mattress back on the bed and find my missing stocking. Our times together have thrown his back out, blew his knee out and something went wrong with his shoulder that one time.. …
Then the depression came and the withdrawal from the world. Sporadic , cryptic communications, and I had no understanding. Angry emails, misunderstood communications….it pretty much disintegrated, but we worked through, rebuilt the friendship and reunited….fireworks, fireworks, fireworks!! I am in love with him even now ( the good , the bad the ugly and the defective), totally and completely and would forgive him any and everything if he would just give me some accountability. I know I am the only person who cares about him completely and unconditionally, and when things are good with us, I would do whatever he asked of me without question and now here we are, with a complete lack of trust on my side, and not a clue on his. He has met someone ( where, I have no idea) and he never told me; I found out through the grapevine. He broke every promise he made to me during our last reconciliation ( there is no one else, he is interested in only me, he wants to make a real effort, he won’t hurt me, etc.) and he sees where he did nothing wrong. I honestly believe he feels that we are unchanged and he is wondering why I am going off the way I am.
In any case, last night I got to thinking and crying and sent him an email…..call it drunk dialing if you will. This email poured my heart out to him ( even the Panel had their eyes wide and mouths open) and his response…..typical of him. It pretty much made his “death” a certainty and I was going to have a viewing this afternoon. I got all cutie pie ( wore my good hair), met the Panel and was going to his office for one last look at him ( and let’s face it….let him see me looking sexy and fabulous and pray that he would eat his heart out and want to make things right between us), but for what? At this point, he can say nothing to me as I will not believe it, and he has no answers to my questions. He still will not see what I want him to see and I will still see him with the eyes I have seen him through from Day 1. The eyes that see a handsome vibrant and sexy man where everyone else sees a crooked footed troll; the eyes that see the man who accepted me, issues and all without question or judgment; I will see the man who held me close, and held my hand, who told me I was crazy, wonderful and a good girl; I will see the hurt little boy trapped in a man’s body…..I will see the man who, despite everything, I love with all I have and have already forgiven in my heart.