Dirty Uncle Sal

Fans of Grey’s Anatomy may recognize the title….then again, maybe not. It is how Meredith described Alex once in an episode. He needed to study to pass the Board exams as he had failed them, and not one  intern wanted to help him, and when Meredith said they had to, they all wanted to know why. Meredith’s answer? Because he is Dirty Uncle Sal…..and we all knew who she was talking about because we all have one. The  relative who only shows up at holiday celebrations or summer cookouts, always empty handed; the one who is always drunk, loud and touching  members of the opposite sex ( related or not) in  inappropriate places. Dirty Uncle Sal is the relative no one can stand, but you put up with them because they are family, and on the surface, it describes Dr. Alex Korev perfectly.

I am a diehard Grey’s fan…even when Burke left and it got a little stupid with tons of extraneous characters. Alex ranks in my Top 5 of fave characters and he always has. First, the man is HOT. Seriously. He makes me want to take up a diet and exercise program.  We all know Derek is McDreamy and  Mark is McSteamy …what most don’t know ( except for The Girlfriend and I ) is that Alex is McHottie. Secondly, he is honest, real and just lays it on the line. He told Meredith to her face that she needs to stay in a relationship….ANY relationship or get professional help because when her life gets sucky, she drinks too much and sleeps with inappropriate men. He is a womanizer, yet for him, it isn’t just with any woman. Does anyone remember when Addison ( his boss) was looking at him in “that way”, and they shared a kiss? Addison thought it would lead to more ( hot sex at the very least) but Alex told her he was not into her, and he only returned her kiss because she is his boss. If the boss wanted him to kiss her, sex her, whatever…..he would to keep her happy, and in turn, keep his job. Yet, his brutal honesty is all a mask to cover the hurt he has endured his entire life.

Alex ( to me) suffers from low self-confidence and low self-esteem. He was and is the sole support for his mother and baby brother; his father was an abusive alcoholic or womanizer or something that rendered him unfit to raise the family he created and Dad is pretty much out of the picture. Alex has never felt as if he belonged at Seattle Grace….Christina is naturally smart as two whips and incredibly focused on her goals; Meredith’s mom is a legend at Seattle Grace and Meredith practically grew up in the hospital ; George ( before he died) came across as bumbling and not quite all there, but when the going got tough, George was the man to pull it through and Izzy…..beautiful, former model and could hold her own in the OR with the best of them. Alex…..failed the boards, grew up poor and had to fight from Day 1 to be taken seriously. His blunt honesty, his blasé attitude was his mask to cover the insecurities. Alex fell victim to the syphilis epidemic in Season 1, got into an awesome fight with George  because Alex passed the syphilis to George’s girlfriend who then passed it on to George (George kicked that ass!)  and that was the  start of a long standing rivalry. Alex fell for Izzy, cheated on her with Olivia ( she was George’s girlfriend) and after a lot of tears and arguing, they reconciled….only for Izzy to leave Alex for Denny….a heart patient for whom Izzy fell so hard for, she pretty much lost her mind, dammed near her job and implicated EVERYONE involved. Denny died, Izzy broke down…..and Alex was there for her. They eventually reconciled but not before Izzy slept with George and gushed all about the sex and the feelings she had for George with Alex…..and Alex told her: You KNOW how I feel about you, you know what we had together. If you think I am one of your chick friends who actually CARES about you and George, you are mistaken, so tell it to someone else. The pain and hurt that came across made me want to kick Izzy’s unfeeling, ignorant butt.

See, in spite of his mask of being all penis and swagger, Alex had never actually allowed himself to feel for a woman. Alex was the walking definition of a one night stand. He did not want to get hurt, and Izzy…..being beautiful, sexy, intelligent and fun….would be the one to hurt him. Izzy was out of his league, he knew it and how in the world she could care for him was a cruel joke that would blow up in his face eventually. The thought of being with Izzy scared him so much, on their first dale he could not even kiss her. Izzy was bewildered, hurt and ready to kick ass. Alex pursued HER, then left her standing on the front porch in her pretty new dress unkissed and wondering what the hell was wrong with her. He cheated on her, talked down to her and basically treated her like crap before, during and after their relationship yet, he was always there for her. When Denny died, he was the one who picked her up , carried her to a chair and held her. He kept quiet about everything that happened  during the Denny incident (when she lost her mind the first time around) to protect her. He loved her in spite of his innate fear of rejection and hurt, and wanted to get it right with her. Other women meant nothing, and Izzy brought out good qualities in him. He could only reveal his hopes, dreams and vulnerable side to Izzy. His love for Izzy allowed him to drop at least one of his masks long enough to pursue a career in pediatrics versus plastic surgery. Then Izzy hurt him and kept hurting him, and the pain he felt came across as harsh and cruel, but still…..he could not stop loving her. Then, Izzy feel ill with cancer and he saw it all slipping away and made his move. He and Izzy married, and tried for the happily ever after but Izzy felt she was holding him back….she was sick, could not be a surgeon and felt she was incomplete and a burden.  Arguments ensued…constantly and she  left him. She DID return, but Alex…..had had enough and told her to stay gone. Izzy is gone now ( where, we have no idea) yet, he loves her still but the Dirty Uncle Sal persona is back. He is a hardened womanizer who now has a bullet in his chest.

How many of us are Alex Korev? How many of us cover the past hurts and wounds with hurtful honesty and risky sexual behavior? How many of us cover our feelings of low self-esteem and self-confidence with snarky comments? Who out there covers their inadequacies by pointing out others weaknesses? How many of us mask our love for another for fear of getting hurt, and have given up on our happily ever after because you just have no more to give and you just can’t take that risk yet again? Who thinks that they are okay and have moved on past their one great love because they are able to go through the motions of having sex with people whose names they  cannot remember and have figurative bullets in their chest, so that makes them tough?  How many of us , like Alex, have “had enough crazy for one lifetime”? How many of us ARE the Dirty Uncle Sal? I say we all are…we all have an Inner Alex. He may be tamped down, locked in a closet or running rampant in our lives but if you have lived, if you have loved…..you know who Alex is and you can’t help but feel for him.

I Wish I Didn’t Understand….

So it is 4am and I am wide awake, blogging. I was going to blog last night, but fell asleep talking to The Policeman and figured I would blog this evening after work and dinner with Reliable One, and even knew what I was going to blog about, but that will be for tomorrow. I woke up with an epiphany, if you will and here I am.  Random thought: I have to admit, I am pleasantly surprised by the responses and feedback I got from The Chicken Wing Conspiracy, but I guess for a lot of us ( not just me) , food is a part of the pleasure, the pain and apparently, the process. I have an Outside Observer who deals with The Double Whopper Dilemma and I am loving that.

Today, I am going to talk about understanding. In healthy relationships, understanding is a good thing. It helps you to reach a level of connection and commitment that could very well lead to a happily ever after. It strengthens the bonds and ties, promotes friendship and builds a stronger foundation. In an unhealthy relationship, understanding is the worst thing that could ever happen to you. In an unhealthy relationship, understanding is Bull.Shit.  Understanding could either drive you crazy or be the death of you when you are unhealthy and in an unhealthy relationship. In an unhealthy relationship, you have a depth of understanding that no one should ever have and that leads to the two of you having an understanding…and the two things are totally different, but not separate if that makes any sense.

In my situation, the one thing that he and I have is a complete understanding of the other. I understand his pain, his issues, the reasons he does what he does. I understand he has been hurt, that every time ( except me) that he has put himself out there he has been thrown under a bus, dragged to the nearest metro station and thrown on the tracks for the trains to run him down. I understand that is why I am getting the fallout, the hurtful behaviors and treatments ( intentional or otherwise), why he cannot express himself to me. Which leads to his leaving when things are good, his irresponsibility and his immature, childish behaviors. Understanding allows me to condone, excuse and justify completely irrational behavior and inexcusable actions, and that my friends, is Bull.Shit. He understands me with my control issues, my trust issues, my lack of anger management which allows me to belittle him when I get good and ready, allows me to email him to just say Fuck you and you know why. He understands, and allows himself to be my whipping boy and he says nothing: he does not tell me to grow up, he does not say he is not the one, he does not say move on, leave me alone or to go fuck myself. He takes it all, and will hold me when we get together and says he understands. We both understand the need to express and indulge our kinkiness and I will be searching the web for all kinds of deviant porn, reviewing it to see if it would interest him; it allows him to explore and express his fears of infidelity on my part and has him spanking my ass until it is red, swollen and whelped and we are both at a level of excitement and passion, it is unreal. Understanding has us both being a couple of immature fools who bring out the best, worst and kinkiest in each other and has brought about an understanding. Yes, I can love him, but cannot say it to his face. Yes, he will give me what I need, but do not lock or label him. Whenever he does fucked up shit to me, I cannot go off and become angry because when I do my fucked up shit to him, he takes it with a straight face and no complaint, and why can’t I do the same? Understanding has him thinking that regardless of what he did or how he did it, this time around I am as much to blame as he is because I am not adhering to the understanding we have, and understanding has me thinking this makes sense.

Understanding brings about denial, where the person you know, the person you have such a deep understanding of could  never do such a thing to you. How can they be so fucked up and there must be another reason, but sometimes the plain truth of the matter is….they are fucked up. They were fucked up when you met them and being with you and your unhealthy ass has made them even more fucked up. Seriously. If you are not unhealthy and you are reading this blog…..you just like drama, are a member of the Panel ( and that does not count as we are all pretty fucked up in our own ways) or you are either my sister or her BFF. So, you are unhealthy…they are unhealthy and issues will manifest themselves, especially if they think they will find understanding and acceptance somewhere. Issues will peek out and let you catch a glimpse of them, and you are thinking to yourself: Oh, is that all? I can handle that. Then bit by bit, they reveal themselves but it is so subtle and all the while emotions are becoming entangled and next thing you know……you are being blindsided and wondering what happened? Kind of like crabs in a pot…..you slowly turn the heat up higher and higher so they aren’t jumping out of the pot and all over your kitchen trying to escape and next thing they know, they are cooked and about to dipped in butter and served with beer. So it is with the denial that understanding brings: you understand what you know of the person, you understand what they have allowed you to see and sometimes there really is more beneath the surface and because you do not know that…..your understanding is skewered and incomplete but because YOU DON’T KNOW that your perception is off, you make excuses, put on blinders and wear denial  like a shawl because your person would NEVER do this shit and reveal themselves to be a complete and utter cowardly asshole or to be a totally fucked up person. Your understanding of this person allows you to deny the truth staring you in the face, and that my friends….is Bull.Shit.

Acceptance does not stand a chance against understanding. Understanding has denial on its side and a whole other host of unhealthy things has its back. Understanding will allow you to twist acceptance and the reality it brings with it to suit your own needs to soothe self-respect, self-worth and self-esteem and keep them quiet and let them think they are okay. Understanding will allow you to warp the facts and truths acceptance brings with it so you are the victim, so you are the one who is right and they are the ones who are wrong because they stepped outside the box and crossed the lines of the understanding between you. In its own way, understanding is worse than love. Love KNOWS when it has been disrespected and knows that it deserves better and knows that someone out there will treat it with all the healthiness and kindness and respect that it is worthy of;  love will get to stepping in a freaking heartbeat. Understanding will not; understanding will keep you stuck and going through the motions and reliving the cycle because who will understand you the way this person does?

So this is my take on understanding….it is as unhealthy as anything out there, it is Bull.Shit. and I wish I did not have any.

The Chicken Wing Conspiracy

Helluva title, right? I know, I know…..but there are two things that every person needs regardless of race, height, weight, status, class, income level and they are love and food. We ALL have to eat, right? We may not all eat the same things or eat things in the same way, but everyone on this earth eats. Same for love….we all need to feel loved, cared for and about, we all need to feel that we matter to someone even if it is only to a Higher Power and our mother. Food and love have always been intertwined: with online dating, guys will want to meet over drinks, a meal or a coffee, if you meet a stranger on the street, they will ask if you want to grab a drink or a bite to eat, and  WHO has not heard or seen the stereotypes of the overprotective mother who feeds their children on a constant basis? And what about in the movies? It all happens over food: in the romantic comedies, they meet and always go have dinner, or a drink or a pastry or something food related and get to know each other, flirt, laugh and embark on the adventure that is love.  In 9 ½ Weeks, there is an entire scene where John has Elizabeth in the kitchen and is feeding her all kinds of stuff ( although he said he was one who was starving) …..not sure what the object of the game is, but she has to close her eyes and not peek, while he feeds her strawberries, champagne, grapes and even cough syrup. Over dinner is when he professes his desires for her. Even cartoons got it: remember the pasta scene from Lady and the Tramp?

In spite of my own situation ( and today Him and Him, Jr. can go jump in the deep end of a lake with cement blocks tied to their dicks and I think I want a cherry bomb stuffed up Him, Jr. ‘s ass for good measure) I still believe in love and that one day, ONE of us will get it right. However, since I am being a dumpee at the moment, food is related to comfort, not love. In the beginning ( at least for me) , when you are so sad and heartbroken and your brain is a hamster wheel…..food is the LAST thing on your mind. Trust me, this is NOT my first time going through a breakup and I am a wreck the first 2 weeks at least. I sit in the dark, smoking cigarettes and listening to Billie Holiday and Nina Simone ( My Man’s Gone was on a continuous loop for 3 days at one point). I cry and hide in my bed with covers pulled over my head. I do not answer my phone, I do not answer my door and will not leave my house unless I absolutely need to. Seriously, at one point the mailman banged on my door like the police because my mailbox was too full to take another letter and he wondered whether I was dead or on vacation. I will skip showers, and not sleep. I also will not eat. I have no energy to cook, or to even head downstairs to let the delivery guy in. I have no appetite for anything, no taste for anything.

Then, you wake up one day and you actually do not have the tightness in your heart, the feelings of dread and the rocks in the pit of your belly have moved and you feel…..hunger! You still do not have the energy to cook, but you can stop off after work and pick up cookies, chips and ice cream….LOTS of ice cream! You can pick up a phone , place an order and go down some stairs and fork over some money and the delivery guys are your best friends. For me, it is Chinese food, pizza and chicken wings. And is it me, or when you are depressed and feeling lower than a snake’s belly, everything tastes SO FUCKING GOOD?? When I am balanced and in a semi-healthy frame of mind, if I ate fried chicken it would be from Popeye’s or KFC……but when I am depressed and it is all I can do to drag my ass to the front door, those ghetto Chinese carry-outs have the BEST fried chicken ever. WHOLE wings that are bigger than some whole chickens found in your grocer’s freezer and tell them to fry the chicken hard and an order of fries?? Sheer heaven…..I am licking fingers, and wondering HOW they get it so damned tasty. And this is where the conspiracy comes in…..when you are no longer depressed, when you are ready to face the world and spread your wings and open yourself up again….those EXACT SAME chicken wings are the nastiest, greasiest things EVER!  No, it is not a different cook…. tell me when you have EVER seen a NEW employee at those Chinese carry out joints? They are huge and I am now thinking that the chicken was diseased and on steroids; there are no secret spices or ingredients as they are bland as hell and I am ready to break out pots and pans to show folks how food SHOULD be cooked.

When I am in love, or at least past the breakup….I am eating pretty regularly and if I am out, I am having yummy pasta, crab cakes, shrimp and grits, salads ( gotta get your veggies!), garlic grilled shrimp, steaks…..anything but carry out/delivery food. I cook, I bake…..I am happy and I am eating happy foods. If I am in a relationship….who needs food? I want my man naked and he is my dinner and dessert and when sustenance is called for….we can order a pizza. Pizza is the one food that will always make me happy…..when I am in love, we are sharing it, locking eyes and kissing sauce and cheese off each other’s lips;  and when I an alone and depressed, me and the box climb into bed together and watch TV.  When I am in love, we are cooking for each other although we only get to taste bites here and there because all we want is each other. When I am in love, those damned chicken wings are the furthest thing from my mind and the delivery guys hate me. They went from making their monthly mortgage in one week from me to nothing. Seriously, when He and I went through our first breakup the delivery guy actually told me that it had been a LONG time and welcome back.

Well, I am at a point that I am getting hungry and the one meal a day I have been existing on is not going to be enough, and I am wondering do I really want to call the carryout?  DO I want to indulge the conspiracy? Lord knows, those wings are a bargain and  throw in a soda and a shrimp fried rice , I can stay locked away for a good 2 days. If the chicken wings are good, where I am back to licking fingers and wondering should I get the 5 piece or the 10 piece and wondering what makes them so tasty……I may be tempted to stay stuck because men come and go, but a good chicken wing is HARD to find.

If The World Had Cookies….

There is a song by a group called the Soft Lightes….If the World had Cookies. The next line is “we would all be happy”. Today, I need cookies!! I think we ALL need cookies. This has been a knock you on your ass weekend and poor Fellow Leo…..I can see her head spinning and the aspirin inventory getting lower and lower. She is new to all of this, but she is hanging in there like the trooper she is. I am going to introduce you guys to her really soon since Quiet One is STILL being shy, although I will say Quiet One is getting feisty and I am enjoying it. She has discovered a love of four letter words and for summing situations up in 5 words or less and it makes Artsy Craftsy and I giggle like school girls. The rest of the Panel is hanging in there also: Morning Person is needing lots of coffee and has upped her cigarette quota by 2 more a day; The Girlfriend is a little behind due to family obligations but she will be caught up soon and I do know she has problems to add to the pile we have growing on our desks, and it’s okay….that is what we are here for; The Chef is dealing with things on a case by case basis and says we all need a stiff drink and good night’s rest; The Policeman has finally moved back home and he and Wifey-Poo seem to be working things out, but the house still needs to be cleaned and Cuz…..he is incognito which is Spanish for “We don’t know where the fuck he is but if he is still crazy, he can just stay in the corner until it passes.”

Due to the State of Emergency, Him has been placed on the back burner. Seriously, we all know how it will end; the only question is how long will it take to get there and will I endure more of the process so I can be stronger and kick his ass next time he pulls his shit. Besides, we are an ABC After-School Special and Oscar….she is a Lifetime Movie of the Week right now, maybe a two part movie of the week. At this point, she is still all over the map, and we are letting her vent it out. She has made 2 decisions  ( at opposite ends of the spectrum) in the past 24 hours, and neither is set in stone….as the saying goes, today is not a good day and tomorrow doesn’t look too good either.  It is going to take time, and we are giving her all she needs to make the right choice for her. Not sure what all else is involved in a State of Emergency because we have never had one before. One would think a Panel of Experts with a good 10 members would at least have a plan of emergency drawn up somewhere….but of course we don’t. The closest we have come to having an emergency before my breakdown a couple of weeks ago and Cuz’s anger management failure was……*crickets*. Even the fiasco that has given birth to this blog wasn’t an emergency, so we are pretty much winging it. I do know we may need a travel agent and Artsy Craftsy has been nominated.

Honestly, I have no idea what I am going to blog about or where I am going with this post. All I know is we ALL need a break from the unhealthiness, the process, the immaturity and the sheer what the fuckness that has been in our lives for what seems like forever. I do know that today marks ONE MONTH since I have started the blog, and I have had over 1150 views….so that is worth a cookie! I do know that while this started out as basically an online journal for me, it has turned into the Panel’s blog and I am glad of that. We are there for each other and if ANY of us are going through, I am proud and honored to be their voice. Another cookie! And WHAT ABOUT THOSE REDSKINS??? LOLOLOLOLOL I am sorry, but I KNEW it was going to go this way….they win the opener against Dallas ( which is equivalent to winning the Super Bowl here in the DMV) and have done nada since. The Skins can lose every other game this season, but a diehard Skins fan will still say: “but we won the opener against Dallas.” They lost to the Rams…..seriously, when you start naming NFL teams, just WHERE on the list do the Rams rank? Exactly, but The Detroit Lions hold the record that NO ONE will ever top. The Lions lost 19 games in a row before scoring a win……against the Redskins! Okay, everyone can have 2 cookies.

I am also trying to move on, despite knowing I am not ready and warnings and cautions from Panel members. I answered an ad today….the guy sent a picture and I think he looks like the guy who played the principal in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off except he has dark hair, Morning Person thinks he is kinda cute and Artsy Craftsy says he is a cross between creepy and nerdy. He thinks I am HOT and while he says he is ready to take it slowly, hang out and build up a friendship, he asked if he could come over my house and see me as he is more than willing to make a “delivery”. And yes, he used the quotation marks! I told you guys before, guys online will say ANYTHING to get in your bed and this fool cannot even play it cool for 20 freaking minutes!! I suggested a public meeting first, over dinner and he agreed. However, I am so NOT holding my breath…..so many “emergencies” can arise between now and Thursday or he could just stand me completely up. Besides, he has children that are still at home. I am not a fan of children or of men with children but we will see what happens over dinner. I do know I am going to go out…soon. To a club, lounge or bar….someplace where if I show up alone, it will not raise eyebrows. Someplace where I can shake my booty and groove to some tunes; someplace where I can come alone but if I choose to, I do not have to leave alone. Just go out, let loose and re-discover ME. One of my long standing dreams/goals/fantasies is to hang out in the city all night long, and come home when the sun is coming up. In my mind, I see me with a guy and we are doing just like they do in movies: running and dancing in the streets, kissing in dark doorways and just taking in the lights, the feel of the city and  the people. And I see no reason this cannot become a reality…probably sans the good looking guy but who knows I would meet in my travels throughout the city? Are these efforts and thoughts worth a cookie? I say they are…..so again, have a cookie!

I know this post is short, but right now everything is at a standstill…..and after this weekend, that is such a good thing. It really is. Tomorrow we can talk about co-workers or Inner Alex or maybe movies ( I am partial to 80s movies). Something to balance the unhealthiness and the hurt/anger/pain of processes and to take us away from our own issues, if only for a little while. So have a cookie, and come back tomorrow!

It Hurts So Good

It is the morning after the fallout and while I said I was going to go with something lighthearted and not quite so unhealthy, the Oscar Incident needs to be addressed, properly and in depth. I will state up front, the Members of the Panel and the Independent Consultants DO.NOT.CONDONE.PHYSICAL.VIOLENCE. We are allowed to skip dosages of medications, curse blue streaks, be mean, petty and spiteful. Hell, deer piss is acceptable as is random fuckery and perhaps a pain slut submissive here and there ( it must be consensual). I am trying to convince Morning Person a gun is okay as there is no touching involved, but so far, no dice.  Guns, knives and anything that can be used as a weapon is STRICTLY forbidden.  Putting hand on others in violence, using gasoline in a manner other than it was intended or anything that can be construed as illegal or land a person in jail…..ALL are unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Period.

The Panel is PISSED. Morning Person has officially declared a State of Emergency and various members are upping dosages on medications. An intervention is being planned and schedules/calendars are being checked. We are bringing attitudes, baseball bats and big old can of Whip Ass. We love Oscar….she is our baby and we want to protect her and I for one feel horrible I was not there to intervene. Other details have come to light such as the fact that she did not trip and fall into the tree….Him, Jr. pushed her into the tree, and then proceeded to just show his true colors on her. Physically, she is a little bruised and shaken but mentally and emotionally….she is a freaking train wreck and her emotions are all over the place. She despises him, yet hesitates to press charges. It upsets me, and other Panel members that she has not done so immediately….hell, when they took my statement I would have been..can I have him arrested? It is baffling to some, but unless you have been a victim of physical violence, you just don’t know what goes through the victim’s mind following the abuse.

This is his first attack, and at first, all you are in is in shock.  Then you are angry and that mofo is going to PAY……dearly. You will wish all kinds of horrible things upon them ( and I have already bestowed wishes of evil and despair upon him AND I am going to dig out my voodoo doll tonight).  Then come the questions: you wonder WHY they hit you….you LOVE them. Was it something I did that I don’t know about?  What if I had just stayed home? What if I had just kept on going home? Then the love you still have ( no one has ever had the love knocked out of them….the shit, the stuffing and the living daylights maybe, but never the love. Hell, you can have the LIFE sucked out of you, but love seems pretty immovable.)  takes over, and you start making excuses; you start justifying and rationalizing, and having a child together makes it even more difficult to hold anger or grudges. And on a side note…..THIS is why I do not have children. Besides  me being self-centered, selfish and in no mood for additional responsibilities, children create a bond that makes it difficult to extract yourself from potentially dangerous situations and keeps you tied to a person forever….whether you want to be or not. Oscar has not outright said she will forgive Him, Jr. but the fact that she is hesitant and procrastinating on at the very least filing a formal complaint speaks for her.

I have been there…..when I was in an abusive relationship, the first time he hit me was in a room full of people and knocked me clear across the room. The man smacked the crap out of me and walked out the door. I immediately followed him and begged him to tell me WHY he did it? WHAT did I do? He cried, said all the right things and told me how so very, very sorry he was and it will never happen again. FIRST LIE: It will never happen again. When it comes to physical abuse, the first time is sure to be followed by the second, third, fourth, etc. time and they will be closer and closer together and when he says how sorry he is? The worse the beatings get. This man went from smacking me with his open hand to smashing me in my face with his fist to beating me with chairs, socks filled with rocks and the last time he beat me, he knocked me unconscious in the middle of the street with a brick and when I came to, he spat in my face. It does NOT get better, he is NOT sorry and once that line has been crossed you HAVE to stop it immediately. If you don’t, you have told this person it’s okay and we all know you cannot change the rules mid-stream.

Oscar, I LOVE you…the Panel loves you ( and they really, really do) and we have your best interests at heart. This is not a lie or some high school romance gone wrong. This has become a dangerous situation and we KNOW how much you love him, how long you have been with him and that your precious son is involved, but this is a man who is no longer worth your love. We will not say he is not worth your tears, so cry as much as you want. This is a man who in your words you give your all to, and he has NO clue what to do with it. This is NOT a random incident and it WILL happen again. If you allow him to walk on this, he will walk all over you and treat you worse than garbage. He has crossed a line and NOT A ONE OF US wants to see you go through the hell that surely awaits you if you stay. We are not even saying press charges, sweetie-pie but for the LOVE OF GOD, file a formal complaint and take the pictures of your injuries. I would suggest a temporary restraining order, but that is your call.

THIS is about you, Oscar…not him. YOU have to think long and hard about what is important to you  at this juncture and what would best serve your long term needs. Seriously, you had little trust for him before this…..how much can you trust him now? What happens when he hits you the next time? If you do not choose you now, soon you will no longer have a choice in the matter. Threats of violence against your child and family are strong motivators to stay and abusers know every trick in the book. They will use whatever means necessary to keep you around and they always strike with the sweetness when you are vulnerable….like you are right now. He will minimize it with it was just a shove and some shaking….but it was abuse. Believe that. He put his hands on you in violence and anger and it is abuse. He put his hands on you and the love you have for him means nothing to him. If it did, he would honor it as best he could; you are the mother of his son, and that means nothing to him. Again, that undeniable fact should be honored and pushing you into a tree , grabbing you as if you were a freaking 400 pound giant, shaking you and screaming in your face….is not honoring one thing about you.   

Ultimately, it is your call and your choice. We will support you regardless and the intervention is still on. Artsy Craftsy and Morning Person want you to contact them if you need to and none of us will turn our back on you, no matter what. We will be there with whatever you need and just know that at least two of us have been at this very place and it is not something we would wish on our worst enemy. We are your friends and we love you.

*Hugs, kisses and lots of love*  from all of us!

When Ya Know that Ya Know….

Okay…EVERYTIME I say we are going to have a lighthearted day without Him or the process, something jumps off. Seriously….every time. I am completely baffled as to how it happens. So, let’s just jump right into it and see what the hell happened.

Today I had talks with Artsy Craftsy, The Chef and Quiet One…..kind of like a weekly therapy session/status update sort of thing. It is the consensus of these discussions that he is really does know and is starting to realize what he has done, and that he will be back, but the question is when. Quiet One and The Chef says it will be sooner than later and Artsy Craftsy is thinking it will be later….there are consequences and he knows he has crossed lines that have basically put him in No Man’s Land. At this point, I am pissed and hurt and am seeing beyond the blinders. See, the pisstivity is allowing some acceptance in, and I am at the place that I KNOW that he is wrapped in a cloak of denial so thick, it can keep him warm on the coldest Antarctica night. This denial allows him to trip though life thinking it isn’t him…..it’s me being a crazy bitch. Yes, he wants me but we are not “together” and he has no feelings “like that” for me…..despite him looking at my picture every day ( he has told me this), despite him wanting me to be privy to this relationship. Whatever his reasoning for THAT is, he KNOWS I am going to speak up and speak out if only to tell him I do not need to know this crap…..so we are still tied. The acceptance has also allowed me to finally admit that no matter HOW many times we go through this dance, no matter how many times I profess my love to him, no matter how many times we are together….it will still be too much for him, and he will bail in a fucked up way and show me that he cannot even give me the basics: common courtesy, basic respect, and a goodbye. He will bail when shit is good with no closure, because he needs to keep the door open, even though he  says he is not into me.  He needs his safe haven even though he cannot handle it . Seriously, I am simply too classy, too beautiful, too everything for him. I am the one who when he comes over, the house is spotless, there are candles lit and soft music playing…from my Zune player, not the radio so it is continuous and no commercials. I am the one with the sexy lingerie,  hot kisses and intelligent conversation. I am the one who has cold beers and his favorite liquor and as far as I know, the only one who will allow him to smoke his cigars indoors. I am the one who will put in the porn, and allow him to be a man. The one who will indulge the kinks and fetishes and push boundaries. The last time we were together, he just gazed at me for the longest time, kissing, rubbing and touching every inch of my body, telling me I am so beautiful and have such amazing skin. Outside the bedroom, my tastes in restaurants and movies leave him flabbergasted. He is an Outback, Romano’s Macaroni Grill or Ruby Tuesday sort of person  and his idea of upscale is Clyde’s. I am Oceanaire, Smith & Wollensky’s, Eatonville and Capital Grille. My idea of casual is Vapiano’s or Matchbox, although I am not above  IHOP, fast food or 5 Guys. Movies…..he is into Tyler Perry and mindless comedies where he does not have to think;  while I will watch them, I am also into documentaries,  indie films ( The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and Get Low) rom-coms with some substance and films that make you think like The Boy with the Striped Pajamas. He is not a reader, but I absolutely adore it. I am just too much and it made me cry to realize that  in spite of me being the one to help him with his issues, the one  to quiet the ghosts and voices (and now I really wonder if he thinks that putting the pictures up indicates to him that he has moved on past the Dead Ex-Wife and that the Big Tittied Hooker is the one who moved him?)  and me being the one to build him up and stroke his ego ( among other things) ; despite what I do offer, and what he does and can see of me…..it will never be enough to break through his inadequacies and whatever he does feel will always be skewered because he does not trust either of us enough to completely surrender to the feelings. So if I allow the heart to rule the head and I get hurt AGAIN…..who is to blame?  If I give in to the love and allow myself to trust him again…..am I the one to blame because I love him? Am I to blame cause this time I know, but believe his words, his whispers, his touch? Or is it him for using my love to his advantage and abusing my trust again?

Oscar is in a place of knowing, and she has even stated that when she gives in and sees Him, Jr.  she will love him that night and hate him the next day….and it has happened this weekend. Friday was family night….Mommy, Daddy and Baby enjoying pizza and movies. Playing together and enjoying their love for their baby and the good feelings they have for each other. Baby bath time, adult time and probably sweet, sweet love. A slight argument arose, but nothing a kiss and a cuddle could not squash. Saturday morning cleaning, breakfast and more family time…..and then it was over. Time  for Oscar and the baby to go home, and Daddy to go play ball with the fellas. Except Daddy only played football for 20 minutes, claiming heat exhaustion. When Oscar talks to him later on, she asks him out for drinks and food at a local tavern and he tells her: “No. I am not feeling well, and besides, we just  spent time together”….or something to that effect. A cruel and unnecessary statement that has set off a chain of events that NO ONE could see coming, and has me reaching for my bag of emergency chocolate. In fact, I had to pause to light a cigarette before writing this because it is completely unbelievable. Okay, so Oscar is PISSED at the statement and a pissed Oscar is a psycho Oscar. After putting the baby to bed and getting her Mom to watch the baby, Oscar WALKS ( she does not drive and is scared of buses….long story) 20 blocks to Him, Jr. ‘s apartment and tells him she is outside…let her in. Him, Jr. is SHOCKED and pretty much lets her in the building but is blocking the door; however, he cannot block the smoke, music or noise coming from the apartment and Oscar pushes him aside to enter into a….party!! A party that is at least 40 people deep in a one bedroom apartment, filled with not one person she knows, and everyone ( including Him, Jr) is pretty much wasted and tore up from the floor up. Oscar goes off on him, wanting to know is this how he takes care of himself when he is not well, and is this why he cannot have a freaking drink and a burger with her?? Him, Jr.,  being a caught coward, LEAVES Oscar alone in the apartment full of under the influence strangers, texting her to just wait there for him, he will be right back. And Oscar, full of love or a need to know, was ACTUALLY WAITING!! I told her to get the fuck out of there pronto as she needed to ask herself WHAT she waiting around for? So she leaves, and on the walk home…..Him, Jr. has snagged a ride and finds her. Instead of ignoring him and continuing on her walk home, Oscar gets in the car and starts ranting and raging all the way back to his apartment….and I understand that move. YOU fucked up and I WILL be heard. The driver of the car goes back inside, leaving Oscar and Him, Jr. alone…..and here is where it gets ugly. Oscar steps out of the car, Him, Jr, following her, and she is still cursing a blue streak when  she trips and falls into a tree, banging her head hard. This is when Him, Jr. grabs her  arms so hard they are actually bruised,  and keeps shaking her and yelling at her: “WHY are you doing this to me?” People broke them up and last I heard from her, she was in the back of a cop car waiting to give a statement. I am in shock and all I can say is I do NOT condone this behavior from any man…..and now, Oscar KNOWS. She KNOWS more than ever before and  beyond a shadow of a doubt that this will never get better, and once this line has been crossed…..it will happen again and again and again. She KNOWS he will lie to her, he will provoke her to the point she is walking across town to verify suspicions and he will beat her to stop him from facing his role in this tragedy of a romance and to stop her from pointing it out. The question now is: what will she do with this knowledge? Will she break the ties that bind, or will she take him back when the dust settles? Will her love for herself and her child overcome her love for him? What choice will she make NOW that she KNOWS and will she be to blame if her choice is born of the heart and not the head and she goes through this again? Or is it his fault because he will manipulate her via the baby and their history?

Buddy….Buddy is knowing that the psycho-stalker bitch is crazy as shit. Seriously. They have broken up more times than Elizabeth Taylor has been married and she WILL. NOT. GO. Anywhere. She has slept in his car, invited herself over unannounced, moved her clothes and makeup into his place and when all else failed, she pitched a tent in his front yard. She spies on him with binoculars and will call him and actually ask him who is over his house. If he says no one, she will tell him she knows he is lying as she can see for herself someone is there. The woman calls him every 10 minutes when he is at work, and here is the kicker with that move: THEY WORK TOGETHER! They share the same shift and the same work location, so WHY are you calling him when all you have to do is turn the fuck around? She wants a committed relationship and all I can say is, she needs commitment all right. Yet, Buddy keeps going back…..he says she has a good and sweet side: she will stock his refrigerator, fill up his gas tank, clean his house top to bottom, wash his dirty drawers and is available sexually whenever he needs her to be. She cooks for him and invites him to family functions. He will fix her car, gives her rides to and from work, does handy man repairs around her house and plays with her children. But when he is not available to her…..she resorts back to her role that Glenn Close made famous in Fatal Attraction, and I have to wonder if stalking is just too high a price a pay for fried chicken and a blow job. Yet, Buddy KNOWS what the consequences are of dealing with this woman and although he claims to not have feelings for this woman, he never calls the police on her nor does he cut the ties with her. He keeps her around and says it’s hard to find a woman, crazy as shit or not. So, given that Buddy knows that he will be spied upon, harassed and stalked when he is not available for her ( which is every minute of every day) he holds on and who is to blame? Him, for not having the nerve to be alone and wait for someone not quite as crazy or is it her, for knowing if she applies enough pressure and sends enough threats, he will give in? Who will be to blame as this situation disintegrates to the point that dead woodland creatures will be nailed to the front door and suicide texts will appear on his phone?  Where he will be unable to sleep because he KNOWS she is out there watching and waiting or unable to date the sane chick because Stalker Chick will try to run them off the road? I know the what if scenarios sound melodramatic, but this is how I see this relationship playing out….definitely no happily ever after can come of this….at all.

Okay, it is late and the meds have worn off and I am damned near out of cigarettes. Today, I plan on lying low, being available for Oscar and dinner with my sister. As for the rest of the Panel: Morning Person will  definitely call a State of Emergency, Artsy Craftsy will want to know ALL the details and be ready to kick some ass  and Cuz will just be happy it isn’t him this time around. Chef and Quiet One will be shocked speechless and Fellow Leo will be reaching for aspirin.  Maybe tomorrow we can talk about co-workers, movies, the 80s….something other than the questions this breaking news bulletin has raised.  Seriously.

Here’s What You Missed….

Okay, so I am getting emails and flack for slacking up on the blogging, and I DO apologize. I did not know I was so informative, entertaining and popular. I TOLD you people I was felled like a tree in the forest  and I am still pretty bruised and banged up. However, I am back on track (motrins and lots of sleep help a LOT!) and once I catch you guys up on what has gone down, we can resume with the daily blog.

Thursday was the season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy, and what a season this promises to be! Christina is even unhealthier than ever AND MARRIED! To the PTSD surgeon….this will be very interesting to say the least. Bailey ( whom I adore) is no longer strong and unbreakable….she is broken and being held together by tape and glue, and somehow you just KNOW it isn’t  the good stuff like duct tape and Krazy Glue……it’s some scotch tape and a dollar store brand of glue stick. Alex has had “enough crazy for one lifetime” ( and I am so going to blog about channeling our Inner Alex), Lexie is a psych patient who has been cleared for surgery in less than a week,  Teddy and Arizona are going to pop their pretty pink bubbles and The Chief is BACK!!! YAAAY!! I absolutely LOVE the Chief, and his Snoopy dance when he got the news is so cute, endearing and will go down in Grey’s history. Meredith and Derek….after 2 seasons of being shiny and happy, the unhealthiness is rearing its head again, and I think I am liking this season’s Meredith. Yes, she is unhealthy: blocking unpleasantness  and keeping secrets ( when she and Christina had the battle of the issues, I was wanting popcorn!) , but she is not putting up with Derek’s unhealthiness and is making him face the consequences of his actions. Good for you, girl!! Yes, they are only speeding tickets, but how many in how long and after HOW many promises to not put himself in harm’s way? Derek’s actions affect both of them, and no longer is she turning a blind eye or making excuses for him.

On the job front, I was told that my current assignment will probably only last another 30 days or so…..the people who applied for the positions that are open ( including my job)  are folks who have TONS of more experience than I do, and with their backgrounds and degrees, they would have to be serial ax murderers NOT to get the job. Yes, it sucks but at least time I am forewarned and forearmed; yet, I am told I have a title: I am the Lead Contractor! Talk about a mixed signal……but still continuing my search for the Next Big Thing.

Then when I got home that evening I received a phone call from…..The Craziest Bitch in America. I told you guys about her, and how after dealing with her, I needed 2 therapy sessions a day to find my self-confidence ( the woman actually said I was so incompetent that it was a wonder I could spell my name). The reason for her call?? To offer me a JOB….yes, still temp but paying a little more than what I am making now. She apologized for the way things ended, I am one of the best and most productive workers she has ever had and the office has not been the same without me. She wants me to send her my resume and to touch base with her the first week of October. I am not one to reject opportunities, but I am also at the point of physical violence with this chick. I KNOW how this will end: she will take her meds for a week or two, then all hell will break loose. I will break out in stress zits, lose weight because she will start cracking the whip on imaginary deadlines at 11:59am ( so no lunch), and I will wonder if a paycheck is worth all the hoops she will have me jumping through. Seriously, this woman has a 25” dildo that she is just dying to plunge deep inside of someone and I can’t help but think it is me.

Speaking of jobs, there is speculation that Cutie Pie may be gay! A few of the girls and I were talking about guys in the office, and since almost everyone is married, Cutie Pie pretty much monopolized the conversation. I did NOT know he hangs an awful lot with Hot Body ( his name says it all!) on the 9th floor……they commute in together, have lunch together and at all training sessions they sit together. I never noticed that his pants are always pressed, creased and cuffed or that he wore hard bottomed shoes every day of the week. In any case, I find that stereotypical and put no stock in that. Female who works in office with him says he is very quiet and while she and Blonde Girl tease him, he will laugh and be agreeable to flirty suggestions but never will he follow through. In fact, Blonde Girl has even asked him out for a drink after work, and he has either refused or asked if Hot Body could come along. NOT that Blonde Girl or Female Co-worker have anything against 2 hot guys to have drinks with after work, but the invite was for YOU, Cutie Pie and the fact that you can’t do anything without Hot Body attached to your hip says a lot.

We have reports on the pictures of the big tittied hooker, and all they do is make me laugh and piss me off at his behavior. Both pictures are at least 10 years old and I have to say right here and now ( and yes, I told him also) that is very telling……you are looking  at the woman she USED to be, NOT who she is now.  One is a Glamour Shot with all the makeup, professional lighting and airbrushing that goes along with those types of photos. One Panel member says the extra help makes her cute at best, but others have stated she can only be called okay. Cuz said it is the file photo the escort agency had for her. The other picture is a regular picture ( in a broken frame!) , but she is sans makeup and had two people shaking their heads. Quiet One could only say: He has made a big mistake and one of my Independent Consultants says he was blind, drunk and had his head up his ass for all of this to go down the way it has. She swears the pictures came from a yard sale or his local thrift store but it has been confirmed that this is the woman who was at the party with him.  Oscar wants to know what point he is desperately trying to prove with having to put up OLD pictures of someone, other than being immature and a fool. I can only ask is he THAT cruel, immature and filled with a need for random fuckery that he cannot tell me about this chick, but he can flaunt his relationship in my face. NOT saying that the man is not allowed to pursue other options, but no matter how seriously or not he took what we had together, the fact the we were at the very least friends should make him want to be a bit more mindful of my feelings. You can’t tell me, yet you will out her to the Island where he and I have mutual friends and he knows I will hear all? Or is it that he really thought we could pursue this together and nothing between us would be unchanged? Whatever he was thinking, it has backfired and knows the depth of my hurt and anger and as I stated before: if I have to TELL you what you need to do and you are still listening….you have not moved on one bit and this fling has been doomed from the start. The Chef and the IC have both stated that he KNOWS he has fucked up and for whatever reason wants me to know exactly what is going on; personally, I think he wants me to strap on a dildo, come over there and let them both suck my dick before I pound them both really hard. They tell me to take this to the bank: He is not done with me (we are just on a break) and never will be;  and if I am not done with him ( that is up in the air; vengeance and anger are popping back up….right now all I want is a bottle of deer piss and a can of gasoline, that is how pissed off I am getting thinking of his immature, childish behaviors), lines need to be drawn and seriously, extract my pound of flesh for damages and suffering.  As Morning Person said, this shit gets worse  ( in a stupid ass way) with each new report, and we all agree that labeling this as high schoolish is giving him too much credit and I told him….I am not sure what you are hoping to get out of me knowing this crap: I am not angry at the pictures being put up. I made an observation/ suggestion and you followed it. I am not jealous….of what? A woman who had to give you 10 year old pictures and even with professional makeup, lighting, photographers and airbrushing, can best be deemed “okay” on the looks scale? I am naturally stunning, beautiful and all around wonderful anytime, all the time and if a man asked me for pictures? We would have a sexy, fun photo shoot that would leave a smile on your face for days afterwards. And the sad part of it all is….this is not all he claims, hopes or presents itself to be and he STILL has not sealed the deal. I know it, he knows it and all involved know it. He is looking foolish to everyone and especially the Islanders who know the deal about us. I know he is stuck and wanting to come back home but scared to death of the consequences he knows await him, but if he think I am making the first move here, he is dumber than I thought. ALL of this is HIS mess, and he will be the one to clean it up.

So now everyone is caught up and we can resume the blog tomorrow with something light, fun and not involving Him unless some breaking news or development takes place which is doubtful….he will either hide in his basement or go begging for more pictures  and here’s another suggestion:  if he really wants to impress, take one together! I actually have a couple of booty calls ( via email from the Craigs List experiment eons ago……my milkshakes bring them to the yard and keep them coming back to the yard!) that I will have to turn down….they did not impress the first time around, The Curse ( monthly version) is around and still, I am not ready. So I will take meds, rest and at some point put away laundry and order Chinese food…and have a lovely Saturday.

The Ties That Bind

I apologize for posting the blog post so late, but not a lot has been going on. I am in a place of resignation right now: no issues want to speak up because no one wants to get hurt again right now, so I am concentrating on work and letting this pain work its way out of my body. Let me tell you guys something….that was a hellified fall I took and it has shown me two things: fat is NOT padding and I am getting old. Yeah, I look young and I act younger ( at times) , but folks….these bones are getting old.  I both wanted and felt the need to blog but I was not sure which direction the post would take ( and honestly, still not sure) but I am going to put it out there and let you all figure it out.

The ties that bind……it was not even supposed to be the title or topic. I WAS going to blog about vengeance, but hurt and anger need to be present, and as stated earlier, the process is at an impasse, and some things are going on which makes this a pretty good topic to tackle. In the rooms of recovery, they state that as long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than the ties that would tear us apart, all will be well. We all know that people who enter the process of recovery are striving to regain a hold on their lives and become healthy and whole. What happens if the ties that bind are unhealthy? Should they be cut? Hell, CAN they be cut? Most people would raise their hands and shout….YEAH!! If only it were that easy…….people who are unhealthy or downright crazy do not present themselves that way, and usually by the time the crazy comes out, you are already involved. Time, emotions, effort have all been expended and NO ONE wants to take a loss on an investment, and a measure of complacency and possessiveness has entered the picture: yeah, they’re crazy as shit, but it’s MY crazy and at least I know what that brand of crazy is. The heart rules the head, and if it feels so right, HOW can it be wrong?

Cuz is feeling the ties that bind….actually he WAS feeling vengeance and had the Panel in a freaking frenzy. Morning Person was ready to call a State of Emergency and an intervention; Oscar was wondering if we could get money if we turned him into the local mental institution and I was ready to remind him we can only deal with one crisis at a time, and just because I put the deer piss away did not mean that I was cured. However, emotions hit you hard and fast and I understood. Cuz wants her…point blank. The other women, the trying to get by without her…..no longer working. I suggested going through the process, but he refuses. He is not going through that, does not want to know what role he played in the scenario and  wishes he could just chalk it down to game (sometimes you get played) and put her out of his mind.  He states that he needs to move on, but he can’t and it is frustrating and hurtful and at this point, it is all her fault. She owes him, and owes him big. I can so relate to that…..everyone says the world owes you nothing, but no one is asking the world for a damned thing. You want that person who has hurt you, fucked you over and just made a complete shambles of your life to step up and give you an apology, an explanation…some form of closure.  Her unwillingness to do these things, coupled with the reaching out on both sides only to end the exact same way had him saying things and doing things that NO member of the Panel should be indulging in….we are unhealthy and a little quirky, but not downright crazy for real. I was actually starting to get scared because like I said before, Cuz is an action man, NOT a talker and I am a  professional temp so I probably do not have bail money until payday. He has talked it out and is in a place of……not resignation, not surrender but limbo may be a good word. He has had unsupervised communications ( hint: that rule is NOT just for me) and made a bold move which MAY have cut the ties that bind and he really was not ready for that. No matter how pissed she made him, no matter how hurt he gets behind the actions she does…..he is not ready to cut losses, he does not want the closure because closure means no coming back, no return. He holds out hope that she will see what he is, what they have together and what he offers her, and now, because of vengeance, hope may have died and I think a piece of him will go with it.  

Oscar….my beautiful, crazy, most favorite person in the whole world ( I am NOT hers if her FB Status comments are any indication) is caught up with the ties that bind. She has physical ties ( her son) and her heart belongs to this guy completely and he knows it. He uses that to his advantage because unlike Him, Him, Jr. knows what he has in Oscar and will do what it takes to keep her there. He tells her he loves her, he will take her out, he has cooked for her and they have family nights. They have wild, incredible sex and know EVERYTHING about each other. They have confessed infidelities to each other and she makes him verify his whereabouts to her. They are sexually exclusive and she cooks and cleans for him. Hell, she does the man’s laundry. Yet, he will not give her a commitment. He will not allow her to label him as anything other than Baby Daddy. She gives this man her all, her everything and all she asks him to do is just label the role he is already playing….but he either won’t or can’t. He tells her he can’t give her what she is looking for. I think she would like them to live together as a family unit, and definitely that scares the bejesus out of him, and here I have to wonder why. They are together that way at least twice a week, and the rest of the time he is texting/emailing her to come over and be with him. Sounds like living together to me……but what do I know? I will give Oscar credit…..she has gone out with other guys, been intimate with other guys and has honestly tried to move forward and onward, but the ties…..the ties call her back. The ties make her stand a date up to go be with him. The ties have her analyzing, and wondering and crying why can’t he just SAY IT? ( I have to say here….if you can say the words I love you, the words we are boyfriend and girlfriend cannot be that hard) The ties both show her his faults and blind her to them also. The ties….are a bitch and Oscar is caught up in a cycle with a man who rips her apart with what he does not say and makes her whole with what he implies.

My ties that bind? I stated I am in a place of resignation and partly it is because I have channeled my inner Meredith ( finally!). Meredith and Derek started out shiny and happy….they were so right together, in every way and on every level. Then obstacles came….obstacles that not only tore them apart, but seemed that they would keep them apart. For him, it was his wife, then a girlfriend; for her, it was liquor and strange men……but Meredith KNEW in her heart that Derek was her One. She knew that she was the one he thought about because he was the one she thought about. Relationships, moving on….none of that worked for either one because they both knew that what they wanted was the other, but with so much pain and hurt and anger between them, how to reconcile?  How to start over? Yet, they did….the ties that bind kept them together and after 4 seasons ( years to us non-TV world living people) they decided to hell with it and went for it again, mindful of past mistakes and now they are healthy and happy and maybe on the way to a happily ever after. And this is how I feel about Him. I feel that he is my One, my soul mate. We are so right together, and make each other incredibly happy. We can talk about everything and nothing and I can honestly say we have never seen the other one angry because when we are together, there is no anger….only incredibly happy, positive feelings. I embrace this intensity and he runs away from it and therein lies our problem. Yet, we still reach out to the other and we are incomplete without the other one. I told you guys about the email where I told him my theory about the pictures ( no recent past, and just wife and kids when they were small) and I also told him I was moving on and getting fucked by a young, big dick….well, he now has two pictures of the big tittied hooker in his office( And I HAVE to put this one out here…..I am not jealous of her OR her breasts as I am a 54I and they are real, spectacular and magnificent. I call her big titty because when I ask people what she looked like, all I heard was she has big titties. I call her a hooker because being someone’s date for a half hour at a 3 hour event tells the story in itself )  All I could do was laugh….I had to tell you to put pictures of your girlfriend out and about? And you could only do it after you think I have moved on? Not sure if he has any in his house, but the fact that a man as private as him would put the pictures in his office where not only will he be questioned but  he KNOWS I will hear about them? (Seriously folks, the Panel and I would LOVE to take it at face value and say he has moved on but if you knew how convoluted, immature and downright confusing this guy is……you would understand. Mixed signals are a bitch! ) The fact that he says he is happy, yet he has the demeanor of an electro shock therapy patient? At this point, zombies have more personality than he does. I swear, if he ever did seal the deal with that chick, I will tell folks not to look for the smiling face, cheerful waves and greetings and the skipping that accompanied him when we were together; look for drool to come out of one side of his mouth and his finger to flap his lips. Yet, in our own ways, we are reaching out and keeping the ties alive. For me, I ask about him and request reports on attitude, demeanor and behaviors. I am not in a place where I can really approach or confront him but I love him….completely and I worry about him because he really does not know what to do or what he is doing. I want to make sure he is okay and not in the dark place that even I cannot reach completely. As for him…..besides making sure I know that he has her picture up ( it is intended to elicit a response from me) today he even indulged in actual feeling and emotions: he alternated between angry tantrums and the onset of a deep depression ( ass dragging, not speaking, head lowered); the two emotions that he knows I will spring to protect him from. However, this time around I did not beg and beseech him or claim undying love for him….well, once I did and his response to that was beyond ridiculous….this time around he KNEW my anger and my wrath and it has him scared to death, under a table somewhere. He fears to contact me because he has no idea when I will turn on him. This time around, he has not suggested I move on, he has left all lines of communication open and as soon as he gets past the shock and hurt and fear, and I can approach with love, civility and sense of reason….we will go right back to being Us: The Happy Edition. The ties that bind us together have us so tangled up in each other and it scares us both, except I am willing to embrace the fear and stay in the moment while he looks ahead 10 years and sees where the happiness has gone and hurt has taken its place, so he runs from something that has not even happened yet. What he is doing now ( and we are all wondering what it is other than reliving senior year of high school; I think he had some thought of it being something we could both enjoy and becoming some kinky 3some fantasy) will end….soon and badly. So Inner Meredith and I will wait….we will continue the process because we have to be stronger and healthier this time around, but we will wait because he is my One and we will be reunited and the ties will continue to bind.

So there you have it…3 tales of unhealthy love; three tales of accusations, lies, erratic behaviors and irrational actions;  three tales of hope and love that will not die and cannot be broken despite the obstacles, hurts and heartbreaks. Say what you will, but if we were all healthy and had red roses, wine and healthy misunderstandings you would all be cheering for us to get it right. Who knows? Maybe we will.

Rants and Raves

So today was Monday…the day I was going to resume with the process, but while it is not stopped, it seems to be at an impasse. After the vent/purge on Friday, issues settled down, he faded to the background and….nothing. I came home, threw some laundry in and prepared to tackle at least one question. The heart and head are at opposite ends of the spectrum, as they tend to be when it comes to love and other indoor sports and I asked some of the issues to chime in and give me some input. All of them were silent, and self-respect who was screaming loud and long Friday seems to have an acute case of laryngitis. So I am not going to push or rush anything…..let the three monkeys of see no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil stay as long as they need to; eventually they will move out and move on, and the process will resume.

Today was a mix of things, good and bad and I am  going to share the highlights with you. Hopefully you won’t be too bored and will come back tomorrow. We’ll see……

Rant: The Curse struck Friday soon after I sent the email off; a searing pain cut across my pelvic region and has not gone anywhere since. I suffer from polycystic ovarian syndrome so the pelvic pain is something I have lived with off and on for years, but the pain is usually 12-18 months apart (and I just suffered an episode earlier this year) , and I have warning beforehand. THIS just came upon me and I am sorry, and I think only older Panel members will really understand (and laugh), but it is The Curse.  I spent the weekend in bed, resting and sleeping and started my Monday with 3200 mg of Motrin and my neighbor’s cane. The pain makes me walk funny, and the cane helps with balance and posture.

Rave: I still managed to look cute in my polka dot, form flattering dress with matching cardigan.

Rant: The bus was late, crowded AND I, a WOMAN with a CANE had to stand, along with 3 other people with canes…one of them elderly. I swear, public transportation is THE WORST!

Rave: Another quiet, empty day at the office, AND I got kudos and accolades from co-workers. Also Cutie Pie was there, and we ran into each other 5 times within 20 minutes. I told him that maybe we should try running into each other after work, and he said “Sure!” like I just said tomorrow was Christmas and would he like Santa to bring him a present.

Rant: Yet another contractor is gone from the job, which kind of turns the kudos and accolades into a rant of sorts……of course I am all those wonderful things as who else will pick up the slack?? Which is also a rave, because I am STILL standing! YAY

Rave: I actually took my lunch and did  not cave in when I went to get a beverage to go with my tuna and pasta salad. Let me state right here and now that I frequent this establishment NOT because they have good food, but because they are convenient. They are located right in the building so little walking is involved. Remember, walking is exercise and exercise is a 4 letter word. Besides the menu rarely changing, the place is expensive ( even with a discount) and this is the ONLY place I know of that can cook curried chicken and Salisbury steak for hot specials and the combined smells come across as fried fish. The people are very friendly though;  but hell, if you had someone getting breakfast AND lunch from you 5 days a week at the prices they charge, you would be friendly also.

Rant: Had a conversation with an Independent Consultant who apparently is filled with the spirit of forgiveness or is just plain stupid. THIS chick was trying to convince to call//email/reach out to him as I know he is scared, inexperienced and lonely. Hmmmm….scared, I will give her. Inexperienced or not, this is about his treatment of me, and the man is not stupid—he knows what he did, which is why he is scared. Lonely….last I heard he had a woman with big tits and at least a half hour to spare. Then she hits me with I never gave him a chance to apologize and we all know he is slow when it comes to action. Hmmm….he had 15 days to tell me something, and even after that he could have made things right but chose not to.

Rave: I did not give in, told her in no uncertain terms exactly what he can do with himself and told her I would catch her later.

Rant: Soon after that conversation, I go to the mailroom where The Curse struck again. (Note: The Curse strikes when I state/decide I am moving on or say mean, mean things against him.)  I placed a huge stack of folders and files on the counter and pulled a bar stool type chair on wheels over to the counter so I could be in some comfort while I handled my mailings. I perch my butt on the chair seat, and the chair flew out behind me, dislodging me in the process, so I landed squarely on my back on the floor, busting my ass and bruising my ego in the process. For those who do not know me, I am not petite anything….tactfully I would describe myself as Amazonian; bluntly, the NFL WISHES they had someone of my size and stature playing for them. Seriously…I am tall and my measurements are spectacular to say the least. I imagine that to the (skinny!!) people in the mailroom who saw it happen, it may have resembled King Kong going down for the final count or maybe the felling of a dinosaur. All I know is I was laying on my back, legs splayed and dress hiked up while all these people were staring down at me, asking was I okay. I half assed expected Chris Tucker to tell me I had just gotten knocked the fuck out. I refused all help of assistance and asked them to please just leave the room and to please shut the door behind them; you may have seen me fall, but damned if you would see me get myself up ( it is a complicated procedure), and seriously, HOW could they have helped me up?? I was a dead weight on that floor, and all I would have done was pull them down with me.

Rave: Cutie Pie did not see it happen!

Rant: My head and butt STILL hurt! 😦

Rave: Cutie Pie walked me to the bus stop….just general chitchat about work and weather, but still….it was nice.

So that brings us to now….the laundry is drying, and I am preparing for bed. I have talked to my baby sister who needed some advice and encouragement, and also to Cuz who is off the deep end and is begging me to blog it out for him. He says he needs love and understanding and he wants his story told. We’ll see….it will definitely give us another break from him and the process and then we can ALL channel our inner Christina Yang and analyze and discuss his issues while we ignore ours for a minute.  Sounds good to me!

Before I leave tonight, I would like to thank ALL my blog readers….in less than a month I have had over 1000 views and I think that is freaking awesome!! YOU GUYS ROCK!!

Unleashing the Anger

I know, I know…the process is not supposed to resume until Monday, but who can control a process? It is continuing whether I want it to or not and a piece of the process ( or the complete lack thereof)  manifested itself Friday. I have to hand it to Acceptance…..it has a helluva fight on its hands: trust issues, control issues self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence…..all battling to be seen and heard and repaired, yet lashing out at Acceptance because maybe this time around they DON’T want to be fixed. They were fixed before and all it took was one person to come and smash them to bits again. It already hurts……why go through more pain to be repaired just to have the same thing happen again?? And it will…if you open yourself up to people, you open the door to hurt and heartache ( I’m not negative, just worst-case scenario).  Just stay broken , re-construct the walls and fences, dust off the masks and carry on as best you can. I can cloak myself in denial for awhile and when that no longer works, bury myself in work, blogging, reading, TV…..anything but allowing someone else in.  

My control issues are out of control, and apparently Acceptance turned its head for a split second and allowed a wild hair to crawl up my ass because I am angry. Extremely angry and it is the control issues. I am like Celie in Color Purple when she pulls the  evil, upside down two fingered move on Mister, telling him that until he does right by her, all he touches, all he speaks, all he does will be wrong. How DARE he treat me in this way?? WHO does he think he is, and no way in THREE hells is he getting away with this shit! Forget the fact that he pretty much already has ( although, until I let go and forgive, he hasn’t….at least to me that is the way it plays out), forget the fact that he HAS no answers ( although at this point they are so unnecessary) or because of his issues, he really believes he is not at fault because we are still where we were before any of this,  and I am just acting crazier than two shithouse rats on crack, so no apologies are required. Forget the fact that he has the immaturity of a 6 year old which manifests itself personally, professionally and in just about every area of his life…..I excused those behaviors and chalked it up to his issues and being misunderstood. I have been mistreated and hurt by the ONE person I have NEVER done a damned thing to except treat them with love, respect, friendship and understanding. And yes, I know it happens to the best of us, and no, I should not be THIS hung up on any man, but I am unhealthy and overcame a lot of fears and obstacles to trust this man; pair them with the fact that  I have a sense of fair play and justice and that Karma is supposed to be ON MY SIDE……..like Big Worm said in the movie Friday: there are principalities involved.

So, yeah,  anger and control issues pretty much had me tangled up in knots and I wrote off a missive to him that pretty much let him no in no uncertain terms exactly what the hell was on my mind. I am tired of beating up on myself and lashing out at my friends; I chose to direct the anger at whom it needs to be directed.  I told him he was an immature, emotionally stunted coward; I told him he needed to come with a warning label as I had NEVER been privy to such erratic and fucked up behaviors even in active addiction, and seriously WHAT did I do for him to hate me so  much to treat me in such a cavalier manner? Maybe I fucked his brother, or at some point I twisted a knife in HIS heart? …whatever it was I did to warrant such totally random fuckery, please tell me. I told him of course he has no answers because he is such a GREAT guy, doing selfless deeds and treating everyone with respect and kindness; everyone just picks on him and jumps off on him for no good reason at all.

  My Panel…bless their hearts. Everyone had something constructive to say: The Girlfriend at first said it gives him more power over me ( but seriously, can he have ANY MORE over me than he does right now?), but after reading the email, feels sorry for him and wants me to write a letter for her; Quiet One also said it was a status update that says yes, I am still here and still stuck, but she thinks he is overjoyed to know such news as his new-found happiness with her leaves him with a demeanor equivalent to someone undergoing shock therapy treatments; Artsy Craftsy and Morning Person thanked me for my honesty in sharing the unsupervised communication and agreed it was probably the healthiest thing to do. Fellow Leo feels me completely on this one.  Cuz is starting to re-think his stance on abstinence and says maybe I should find a total stranger, do him and move on. Sometimes I wonder about Cuz…..he did the same thing, didn’t move on  and is STILL as fucked up and stuck as I am, 6 months later AND he is still reaching out to his one great love, only to ignore her when she reaches back. I DO understand the one-upmanship aspect, but if I reach out to him, it will be with love and sincerity. Too many games have already been played. I am one month in, and enduring a process…..not sure how long it will take, but not rushing it and sticking with it. When I move on, I want it to be completely.

Everyone agreed he read the missive; I am not sure. After reading something like that, I would not be happy or smiling and the control issues had me wanting to walk to his office and shove it in his face. But, we are also both gluttons for punishment and no matter WHAT we are going through, we always read communications from the other. Always. They also agreed that he was happy to receive it , no matter what it said, and he more than likely jacked off to the part about me having someone young, hung and thick fucking me over and over until every thought of him was erased from my mind. ( He’s kinky like that)

All I know is I DO feel better having sent it, and today, the issues and I have agreed to just settle down. There are still questions to answer and they will all  get a say in how best to answer them. The past is just that…..past. What is done is done. The present…..he is doing who knows what and I am enduring a process. The future….who knows? This is why I need the process: to ensure that I can make healthy choices and decisions so that I am not here again. If it is meant to be, it will  be…. but not  this way– with uncertainty and doubts and a need for deer piss. If it isn’t, then one day I can look back and be thankful I dodged a bullet.

Today, I am going to rest, relax and enjoy being with me. Take a long, hot shower, do some laundry and there is a Law & Order: SVU marathon on. Today he is in the background and I am thankful for the break that gives me. Honestly, I would share the letter in its entirety with you guys, but seriously…..you already know more than I ever meant to reveal.