Running to Stand Still

This post is going to be so all over the place, it is ridiculous. Seriously. I suggest everyone who reads this strap in and try to bear with me here. I promise it will all make sense in the end…..or maybe it won’t.

Okay, so it is slowly starting to sink in that this mofo has actually moved on (WITHOUT ME!!)  while I am sitting in what are shards and pieces of my heart. As I stated, I knew he did not fully reciprocate my feelings, but we had history, friendship, same issues/baggage/dysfunctions. We did not travel the same roads to acquire the dysfunctions, but still we ended up in the same place. He professed to caring for me, told me that he would not hurt me and would always be honest…..but we all know that truthfulness is an option. Still, I chose to  believe him again and again. No excuses or explanations for that one….all I will say is despite all I have been through in life, I still try to see the positive and we all know the heart has reasons that reason does not understand.

Pride/ego plays a role in this. I am a crack addict ( 8 years and counting in recovery), I am a whore ( I had problems with drugs, not with selling myself), I am a homeless woman who would go to the bathroom in alleys and slept in abandoned cars, and eventually the ground when the cars got towed ( have maintained a comfy and cozy existence in my current residence for almost 7 years without missing a rent payment) , and I am a convicted felon ( 13 years ago, and no trouble since). Yet, if you were to ever see me, you would never know this…..I am a beautiful, confident, professional, intelligent and sexy woman ( yes, I am large, but not sloppy) who presents herself to the world as such along with being  both respectable and respectful, classy, competent and a great friend. I say this because in life, it is all in how you present yourself to others. Who does not know about first impressions and the fact that you get only one chance to make one? And the woman I got dumped for presented herself  for the first time to his colleagues and peers as an ugly hooker. NO, I am not being catty or jealous ( surprisingly I am not jealous…..incredibly curious, but not jealous)…..this was what was relayed to me and I have never seen the woman. For all I know she could be a hotshot lawyer downtown or head a non-profit that helps hungry children and sweet as pie, but what came across to not only me but to basically a ballroom full of people  was a woman who needs makeup to be raised to average on the looks scale and pretty much had her breasts on a platter, serving them up as appetizers.  I have nothing against her, and frankly I feel for her. Maybe I can somehow give her the name and number of my therapist; she will thank me later. However, this info at first had me wondering what she has that I don’t ( besides him), but now I a flipping that one around…what do I have that she doesn’t? The answer I am telling  my hurt and rejected self is whatever it is, he obviously either could not handle it or want it. Hurtful, but sometimes you have to get gut level honest. The truth will set you free if it doesn’t kill you in the process.

Anger and hurt are a HUGE ( and inevitable) part of the process, but also give you a built in excuse. Woman scorned….’nuff said. When I was first hit with all of this, I felt physical pain. I literally could not breathe because my heart was so constricted. I sat in the dark, crying for days on end. I broke down in my cube at work, I cried on the bus. Whenever the pain hit, I cried. Then one day, I did not cry, but anger had taken over, ( has anyone found out where I can get that deer piss yet?) and I can be a petty, vindictive, grudge holding bitch when I want to be. I told him I hope she tears his ass a new hole with a 13” rocket propelled dildo, I want her to laugh in  his face and call him a limp-dicked fat ass bitch, hopefully  she tears his heart out of his chest and cooks it for dinner. I told him he was a dishonest, disrespectful, lying ass coward who re-defined the word bitch, I hope his remaining days resembled sin dipped in misery left out to dry on a street corner and I wish I had never fucking met him. I told him I dared him to respond….I was not scared of him, knew where he worked and lived and I hope he comes crawling back, broken down and pitiful so I could crush him beneath my heel. Hmmm, yeah…..like he really is going to come back to that, right? Pretty much, his only response was *crickets* and I imagine rapid eye blinking while sweat beaded on his forehead. And I am glad he did not say anything; giving credit where credit is due, it showed him to be not only smart, but classy. I would have said cowardly, but I am going with smart and classy. I am not a complete bitch. No, I did not issue an apology (for what?? I meant every word and on a bad day, wish I could add more to them); yes, ridiculous and evil and all that, but hey….I am a woman scorned.

Empathy/sympathy/compassion  are beasts when it comes to this process……you remember the good times, the secrets shared, and in my case, the issues/baggage/dysfunctions that could not be shared with anyone. For me, I wonder who will send him hot soup to the office when he is sick, who will be there to brighten his day when he is depressed, who will calm him down when he flies into a tantrum or rage, who will he tell when things are too much, who will indulge in his randomness with him? Will she understand when the erectile dysfunction rears up? Who will hold him, shush him and tell him everything will be okay? Who is going to indulge him in his kinks, both mainstream and underground?  Who else will he be comfortable enough and feel free enough to be his true self with? And then two thoughts hit me: why do I care? He is no longer mine to worry about. The second thought was he had me who did all that and more, but apparently that was not what he wanted, so let him make his own way in the world. He did it before me, and I am sure he will manage just fine after me. Then a third thought hit me…..after all I said in anger and hurt, I am sure he will just come a running when/if this does not work out. I am sure he is just waiting anxiously for this to blow up in his face so I can exact my revenge…..but given how we have always justified and rationalized each other’s outrageous behaviors, he just might be.

Acceptance…the final step in the process is what is causing the running to stand still. My emotions are all over the place……. Anger/hurt, love ( yes, it is still there) rationalizations, scenarios, and false hope all are vying for the top spot to prevent acceptance from letting me see the truth:  I got dumped and played. All the great things I am, all the potential I hold….got rejected, and I am scrambling around emotionally and mentally to prevent this from settling in. Once I stand still and let acceptance do what it needs to do….let go, forgive and maybe even make amends ( the cooking your heart for dinner line screams apology), then I can move on and find what is on the other side of a door now shut.

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Bitches!

I know the title is a little risqué and out there, but it is not as bad as it seems. There are times when things need to be broken down to its simplest form, and now is as good a time as any. Yesterday, during my day full of random stuff,  I had several phone calls with Panel members and some independent consultants and all I can say is WOW. It seems as if the entire world decided to forego the medication and go crazy for a day.

 Bitches are everywhere in life and always when and where you really do not need them. Hell, life itself is a bitch. Work is a bitch. Your commute is a bitch. When your partner/significant other/FWB jumps off with some totally unwarranted crazy crap, they are bitches. You need to know and understand with my circle of friends we are all pretty much healthy people ( some are sicker than others)  in unhealthy relationships and  while happiness is not a foreign concept to us, the drama is pretty much overshadowing everything else. Also, healthy here is subjective; we all have our issues, but we can be honest, freely admit them and some of us are even working on them. Another thing I have found among my circle is that for those of us who are single and out there in the game ( I would say playing, but none of us are good at playing games) is that we all have major crises in our respective arrangements AT THE EXACT SAME TIME, and while it is said that misery loves company, give me a break!!! I am the one who is going through right now, and I need all attention and focus on ME. You cannot give me the advice, the feedback I need right now if you are asking me what to do about your person. Just kidding….seriously, I am  but that is what I mean about bitches. They rear their heads at the most inopportune times.

 Broken down to its simplest terms, we are dealing with three liars/cheaters ( one of whom is abusing illegal substances) and a psycho stalker bitch who has taken to camping out on dude’s property. There is talk of sending one of the liars/stalkers to the mental institution, pouring deer piss all over another liar/cheater’s clothes, bed and inside their cute little sports car, and doing an Angela Bassett and setting clothes and cars on fire. Cops will be called and  criminal charges will be pending against at least 2 of these bitches. Pretty much the only one getting away scot-free in our deranged fantasies and venting is the substance-abusing liar/cheater, as he really does not know what he is doing; he is under the influence, you know and  she loves him and what else can you do?

 First, NO ONE is under ANY obligation to tell you the truth. It sounds horrible, but it is true. No one has to tell you the truth if they don’t want to, and people lie all the time. When you are trying to get a big project out at work and a co-worker asks if you mind helping them out with yet another project….most of us take a deep breath, say sure thing, and come home and bitch and vent to our family and friends because really, we don’t want to help out. Do these jeans make me look fat??  It is not the jeans making you look fat, but we do not say that. We say, of course not.  Of course we expect our intimate partner to be honest and truthful about everything, but sometimes they just aren’t, and the choice is then yours. Do you  work past the hurt and forgive, forget and try again, or do you realize that as long as a liar can speak, you can never trust another word that comes out of their mouth and make the moves you need to make?

 When relationships go wrong and/or fail, it is hurtful and devastating.  We want to cry, kill and then die. The first thing to ask is: did we even have a relationship, or is it that I saw what I wanted to see and there really was nothing there? I am borrowing from a Panel Member now and using her definition of disappointment, which definitely goes along with the hurt and devastation: even though you didn’t have anything in the first place that’s  what disappointment is, a sense of loss for something you never had. Which makes perfect sense….you are disappointed in people when they do not live up to your expectations, and the key word here is YOUR. You expected something of a person that obviously they were unable to give or deliver.

The next thing to do is to not give this person too much power. If they cheated or left you for someone else, do not chase them or keep reiterating what they had with you. When you are  with someone who really wants and cares about you, they know what they have in you and the sexiest person in America can walk past butt naked and while they may look, they aren’t leaving your side. Definitely express your anger and hurt to them, but begin the moving on process. Do not wait around for them to realize their mistake and come back ( usually they will attempt a comeback), but they have not learned any lesson, they just know when and where they have it good. They did their dirt, and want someone to tolerate their behaviors. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

You cannot continue to drink the same dirty water from the same dirty cup; eventually you will get sick. Do not beat the dead horse….all the tears and beatings will not bring the horse back to life.  Bury the horse and let the dead tend to the dead. Mourn and grieve if you need to, but when you emerge from the dark place, lift your head to the sun and spread your arms wide….embrace a new day, and remain hopeful for better things.

 This is as much for me as for the Panel Members that are going through and wondering why. Sometimes there is no why, just a why not. We all take our turn at bat and while we may be up at the plate today, tomorrow we won’t. And the bitches will be bothering someone else, thank goodness.

 Hopefully this all makes sense and someone, somewhere feels me, and takes something from this. Now, can anyone tell me where to find  some deer piss?

Random Internet

It’s Sunday. The last day of the weekend and usually my favorite day of the week. Sundays have a laid back, relaxed feel to them. Usually I sleep in, cook dinner ( a real Sunday dinner, although lately I have been slacking. I blame the heat….it has been hot enough this summer to fry the fat off of your ass!), maybe throw some laundry in. In the fall, I have  football on the TV or a really good movie so I can look up and catch all the good parts while preparing for a new work week. Sundays are always so full of randomness for me; I could be ironing clothes ( VERY rare) for the work week while watching a Lifetime movie; talking on the phone before taking a nap; cooking while Pandora or my Zune blasts chill tunes or all over the internet. Family feud on Facebook is my newest addiction; right after feeding the pets and tending the farm, I am all about the fast money. If I am on the internet, I always peruse Craigs List’ s personal ads….I know I am NOT the only person who reads those things and frankly I do not blame anyone else for not admitting they do. I will take the hit for the team today. I have even met a couple of guys from there and actually went on dates with them.  Perhaps I should insert the disclaimer about this being a work of fiction, as I can see my sister reading this while enjoying a leisurely Sunday brunch that includes her sweet potato pancakes and dropping a forkful of pancake and syrup while dialing  my number as fast as her fingers will allow, all to berate and lecture.

I will say this….when I met/dated the guys off CL, it was 2-3 years ago before CL became a parody of what it once was, and a hunting ground for killers and the mentally defective. The dates seemed sane enough, but those masks came off real quick and I thank my lucky stars for that. There was the guy who suggested I leave the restaurant first as he was paying for dinner with a stolen credit card…can anyone say: “TAXI”?   One guy told me I was not big ENOUGH and kept trying to force feed me plates of food, or the guy who told me I was almost beautiful. I hear guys complain that women who indulge in online dating that women always show older pictures of themselves, when they were younger, prettier and skinnier. Not me…I cannot hide all of the lusciousness that is me, and I look at it this way: if we are meeting in public anyway, I do not want your first thought to be of me is that I am a fat, lying bitch. These guys….swear to God, if they had not recognized me, I would have sworn I had been stood up every single time! One guy sent a picture and my first thought was he looks like Jerry Seinfeld…but the man who showed up for the date was Frasier Crane…..like last season of the show Frasier Crane. Bald, stocky and not that tall at all. Long way from a tall, lean, hair on his head Jerry.

In any case, I am not perusing the ads looking for anyone or anything now; I read them strictly for the entertainment value and I shake my head in both amusement and amazement. I am beyond amazed at how all these guys are posting…no BEGGING for free sexual favors from complete strangers. They do not want to meet beforehand, no “getting to know you”…either you host, they host and just get right to it. They want you contorted into all kinds of positions, they want you to be their cumslut, they want you to make them your bitch or just come on over and drain them dry. Beggars can’t be choosers, yet they want slim, fit mature women between the ages of 18-25 who are ready to take their cock.  They may even reciprocate if you do them well enough. Hmmm, well that seals the deal for me!! Let me run right out, get fit and trim and turn back the clock a decade or two  so I can POSSIBLY get a random stranger to put his germy hands and mouth all over my most private places. NOT!

Since it is summer, the season of the best reality show ever: Big Brother ( I so want to be a houseguest on that show!!) two other sites that are musts for me are Online Big Brother, which gives a blow by blow account of the houseguests’ every move and Bitchy Big Brother Blog, which recaps the events of the day with wit, humor and great insight. Not too many I know are into Big Brother ( BB), but I am fascinated by the show. It has drama, competitions, humor, showmances and people burping and farting everywhere. They have to eat slop, get to dress up in costumes for the competitions, and it just looks like a blast!! The object is to strategize, scheme and schmooze your way out of being nominated for eviction to make it to Final 2 where the winner receives a half million dollars and the runner up receives $50K. I don’t want all that…..the physical comps would have me laying out in the back yard like a beached whale breathing through an oxygen mask and they only get more grueling as time goes by. I want the BB experience, the social interaction with a dozen strangers while America watches ( 52 cameras and microphones watch your every move and pick up your every word). I would love to make it to Jury House, where I can help determine the winner of Big Brother and NO SHOWMANCE for me. I am a fool when I am in love…..it starts out like 50 First Dates, where everything is all new and exciting and just oh, so wonderful. Then somewhere along the line, it turns into  a verbal What’s Love Got to do With It, and while I do not mind being foolish, I am not going to be a fool on national TV.

Well, it is officially afternoon and I have to go check out my horoscopes ( every once in a while they do hit the nail on the head) , run a vacuum, call my mom and check in with the Panel, then indulge  in more randomness before tonight’s episode of BB ( Lane finally won something and is HOH). Hopefully I am not boring you guys too much, and tomorrow will see us here again.

Wishing everyone peace, hugs, kisses and love.

Unhealthy

Sitting here, smoking a cigarette and wondering just what I will share with you today. Recently I have been blindsided by a man, and I am hurting. Really, really bad. Yes, I still in love with him and no, he did not reciprocate as much as I would have wanted, but like most people ( they just won’t admit it) I was in an unhealthy relationship. Most people think unhealthy equals physical abuse or creepy, stalkerish stuff but usually an unhealthy relationship resembles a healthy one. There are no black eyes, no busted lips, the cops are not parked in your driveway every other night, you aren’t locked in cage at night eating supper out of a dog bowl and have no access to your own bank account. Not saying  that these things do not occur or belittling the women who have been through such abusive relationships…..it is just that mine and the majority of unhealthy relationships are seemingly “normal”.

We laughed, we talked ( and had deep meaningful conversations), we were never really social…we  would rather be naked and alone, we were actually happy together. He told me I was crazy, wonderful , beautiful and not fat. I told him he was sexy, handsome and intelligent. We had pet names for each other.  We worked jobs during normal hours, we could interact with the public without needing a parole officer or psychiatrist in tow, we could dress, feed and bathe ourselves. But we were unhealthy emotionally and when two emotionally unhealthy people get together……fireworks, of every kind, all the time. The sex was incredible ( and no, neither of us are teenagers), and the arguments/fights, while never physical are legendary. Some of my best lines are from the fights.

We both had issues and baggage (who doesn’t?)  and I do not mean it could sit in the corner, out of sight, out of mind. His baggage alone could fill an airport and mine….while I was attempting to have it checked, it always seemed to somehow fall off the carousel. We shared some of the same issues, and would compare degrees of dysfunction. Not a good thing, and couple that with accepting a person for where they are and who they are ( not a bad thing usually) without addressing these issues can be a pretty messed up thing. You are thinking, “WOW!! All this time, I thought there really was something wrong with me, but it isn’t. Here is someone just like me and they seem to be pretty okay, and they don’t see anything wrong with me.” Basically you are boarding a train where the next stop could actually be insane and seriously, you really are messed up and you need professional help, or a Panel of Experts to help you work through things.

And when it comes to issues and baggage, definitely one party always has more than the other. Medications may be involved ( or not, and should be), withdrawal from life in general, and once you are in love with an unhealthy person, the healthier party really has no understanding of why their partner is not reaching out to them. Hell, you shared everything else: kinks, secrets, maybe even panties….why can’t you come to me? You will either blame or take the blame for previous lovers’ mistakes, you will bring behaviors that are pretty crappy into the relationship and justify them as safeguarding your heart. In an unhealthy relationship, neither of you are giving the other person a fair and honest chance because you just KNOW that somewhere and at sometime they are going to do to you what everyone else has done before. You are starting out on the defensive, which eventually evolves into the offensive ( in all definitions of the word).

Also, expectations….again, not usually a bad thing, but when in an unhealthy relationships, the most basic of expectations can become the fuel for an argument. Remember the withdrawal from life in general? Well, if that is not your particular issue, you really have no understanding, especially when you are waiting at home, naked with a plate of seafood salad waiting on the person. The behaviors? Because they never have been called on it before or this is how they have always been treated, they are looking at YOU with no understanding and wondering if maybe you should not be seeing your therapist twice a week and perhaps increasing the dosage in your meds.

Eventually it gets to a point where the person who has a better handle on their issues is trying to juggle not only their issues, but also analyzing and juggling the other person’s issues and trying to change either the other person ( as much as they say they aren’t) or they are changing themselves to settle for this person who they feel is the only one who understands them, and pray to GOD if you actually fall in love with the person…….it adds even more difficulty and dysfunction to an already complicated situation. Love is not blind; it sees all, and chooses to see past the imperfections, which now means that ( at least in my case) when crap falls to pieces, you are wondering what is it with YOU? Why aren’t YOU enough for them? Why can’t they see YOU? They can’t, because their issues are preventing them from doing so, and actually….they are looking to be the person with the least amount of issues which they can’t be if you are the one with the least amount…if that makes sense at all. Basically, if they are out and about with someone, they DON’T want people to think: “ Why is he/she with him/her and what do they see in him/her?”

In the end, it does not matter. Heartbreak hurts, and the process is painful. There will be questions which will never be answered; unhealthy people are not know for their communication skills. I am an exception because this stuff is coming up off of me. I will still chew on it and analyze, but when I share with others, I get the objective, no nonsense feedback I need so I can accept the role I play, what is not mine to bear and what I allowed. There will be crying bouts, and times when self doubt will kick self esteem out the door. You will pray and hope for them to return ( and I already know if they make a move quickly, I would take them back, no questions asked) and maybe even start a blog. I just hope I can stick with it and allow the process to fully run its course, so that the cycle can finally stop and I can move on.

And I will end this blog with an email I sent them a week before my world came crashing down….obviously the process needs to run some more.

I want a moment.

You are the only person who gives me  ( has ever given me ) that moment, over and over.  

The moment when my heart beats faster and the butterflies are dancing in my tummy and I am nervous and excited because I am going to see and be with you.

The moment when our eyes meet, and all is said without a word being spoken.

 The moment when we are alone, and we begin to create our own little world. The world where there is no anger or ugliness; only forgiveness and our  positive feelings for each other. There are no problems, no depression, no outside world intruding.

The moment when we first kiss, and it feels like the first time; where I am both drowning and floating and never wanting it to end.

The moment where it seems we cannot get enough of each other.  

The moment where it is all about you, me, us……alone with our desires, fantasies and kinks and knowing that we can be ourselves, with no masks and no judgment.  Where time is suspended and the hours we spend together seem like only minutes.

I want a moment.

Hello world!

Okay….definitely nervous about this. I am not going to reveal my name or any personal info about myself or those I blog about. Names will be changed to protect the guilty and to keep the innocent from having folks calling her up or knocking on her door to basically kick her ass.

This will simply be a blog about my life….apparently I have talent as a writer and could also become a comedian…..I am told to take comedy classes and write all the time, so perhaps I will combine the two in this blog, see how it goes and where it all ends up.

One thing you should know is I am a drama magnet! I do not go out and cause or stir up the drama…..it just comes to me! I will be sitting in the house, catching up on Big Brother, watching movies, pining over a man, eating candy and chocolae chip cookies….you know. Just minding my business, and voila….a knock at the door or a phone call, and suddenly drama is in my home, unannouced, uninvited and I have to deal with it! It makes for very interesting story telling, so hopefully you will come back and tune in for lots of episodes of the soap opera that is my life.

I HAVE to send tons of props and love out to my Panel of Experts and the many independent consultants that comprise my social circle……I do not know what I would do without your love, support, patience, advice and yoour wonderfu self control when it comes to holding your tongue to keep from cursing me out at times. And my mom…..yeah, yeah family is filled with drama and dysfuction, but where would any of us be without mom??

Well, I think this is enough for an introduction….next blog will be better as today is a Saturday and I have been nothing but a a big lazy lump of nothing so today is pretty boring.

Thanks or stoppng by and hope to see you tomorrow.