Falling Into Place

I saw a quote on Facebook that sums me up as a writer perfectly: “I only write when I am falling in love or falling apart.” When I first began this blog 7 years ago, I wrote and rambled like a crazy woman over Him for YEARS; when I discovered that Prince Charming had a Mexican Girlfriend, I fired off 4 missives in less than 3 hours. And when I was falling for Prince Charming, I could not wait to share my fears, my hopes, my relief and surprise at his choosing me over running away (at least in the beginning he did), the weights lifted off my shoulders when I realized I could trust him (at least for a little while).

I also discovered with all the writing that it IS therapy; I have healed and grown more via this blog more than I know, and am just starting to realize. I have learned that just as I stay in relationships or dealing with men far past their expiration date, I hold onto the hurt and heartbreak for far too long. It is amazing how freeing letting go can be, and letting go comes with acceptance. I am past the hurt, and done holding onto the wouldas, couldas, shouldas. I am living in the moment and enjoying my reality. For the first time in a long, long time I am feeling good about me, not worried about who or what is in my future, and not too concerned about how others are living their lives without me.

Professionally, Lexie Grey and I have both gotten promotions and raises since I last wrote.  Unsure how Lexie feels (in the beginning she was excited as hell), but for me, it means more responsibility on my end, and less accountability for Yang.  I am approaching the 2 year mark with Yang & Company, and the woman is needier, pettier, and more thin-skinned than ever. While I have never been one to jump up excited to go to work every morning, I have never had the stress and dread I do now. The environment (for me at least) is toxic, demanding and there is zero accountability. Everything is my fault and she wonders aloud why I am frustrated with her. No Yang, I am not frustrated….I am FED THE FUCK UP. There have been days I come home and just cry out of frustration.  I try to make light of the situation when I vent to family and friends, but I am pretty much burnt out and at a breaking point. The woman trashed my work. Literally, threw it into the trash because she did not see a need to review it twice. THAT was a level of disrespect that is brand new to me, and I am Queen of Being Disrespected.  Quitting has transitioned from idle threat to inevitable. I have finally accepted that this is who Yang is and what life is like at the hospital, and nothing will change unless I make a change for myself. Job searching now and will keep everyone updated if anything comes through.

Personally, things are falling into place…quelle surprise! It was a lot of hard work to get here. For the longest time, I had divided my personal life into two parts: my actual personal life and Prince Charming. It probably does not make sense to anyone but me, but I will try to explain it anyway. The tl;dr version is quite simply: I still held expectations of Prince Charming and had hopes for us, so I was pretty much living my life in a state of waiting for us to rediscover and reconnect with each other. When Prince Charming accepted my Facebook friend request, I thought life would change. I thought there would be an apology (sincere and remorseful), that baby steps towards rebuilding a friendship (and ultimately, a long term and committed relationship) would ensue.

But, nope. We are still not talking and from what he posts of his new life, he is happy with his enchiladas, Spanish lessons, and houseful of children and extended in-laws. That is NOT me….I like being alone (if someone special came along, I could share space with them on the weekends), and children are definitely welcome, but on a part-time basis only. And there are other strikes against him: he has little to no professional ambition, his religious views, his love of pets (he has 4 dogs and a ferret while I view pets the same as I do children….great to visit but you cannot live here), and the list goes on. I have also discovered that while I am still a little bit in love with him, I do not think I like him very much. In my book, like is far more important than love.

Let’s face facts: I spent the first half of our relationship falling in love with his mask and lies, and the second half begging him to put the mask back on and to keep lying to me. No one deserves that nor should they ever settle for that.

So now that I have fully accepted that Prince Charming and I are not meant to be, that he is not the one that got away, and we are not soulmates waiting to be reunited, I have turned my attention to me and what’s next on the personal front. The answer is nothing, at least right now. I had a dinner date with the Poor Man’s Michael Moore and it was a disaster. The man claimed to be on a low carb diet, yet ate 2 baskets of bread and had 4 beers; he ate the entire meal (including salad) with his hands, and licked the plate afterwards; and peered over my shoulder when I was getting an uber to see where I was going (and possibly snag my home address), and when I called him out on it, he told me he was making sure I did not fuck it up. Huh, what?

While I KNOW I am not ready for a relationship (if the discounted Michael Moore is any indication of what is out there, I never will be), I sometimes feel maybe I am or that maybe I need to be because I should be wanting to get out and be social and be active in the world. I am happily single and single folks get out into the world. And I like doing stuff out in the world:  movies, dinners out, comedy clubs, and museums but lately all I do is stay home. Sad, lonely, still-hung-up-on -someone folks stay home. But I am neither sad nor lonely: I read, I watch TV, I listen to music and sometimes cook. I google random shit, text and talk with my friends, play my games. And then it hit me…..I am feeling guilty for not wanting to do things I feel I SHOULD do rather than enjoying what I WANT to do. Trust me, when I am ready to go out into the world, I do. I am looking to use a relationship as an impetus to do things when I really don’t want to do them. And that is what  I have been shown what a relationship is…doing things I don’t want to do and being a person I feel I have to be when all I want is to lay in bed, not shower, and eat takeout 3 weekends out of 4. It is me being apologetic and explaining/excusing myself, instead of being understood. And I want to put myself through this again, why?  And who in the hell people pleases to an empty audience? Who knows? I am an idiot who is just now realizing that happily single covers a lot of ground and is the best thing ever.

Other things that have happened since last I wrote is my health is not the best. I’m not dying although I definitely could be feeling better. I had a thyroid biopsy. With no anesthetic. It was painful, but the results were benign which makes up for it. However, the surgeon wants to remove it as the thyroid has a goiter with multiple nodules that keeps growing. My trachea is severely out of alignment which interferes sometimes with breathing and swallowing.  I have gallstones (multiple) and that will result in me having my gall bladder removed. After the thyroidectomy. However, I am a pulmonary risk for both surgeries (I am still fat and I smoke cigarettes. Apparently not a good combination), but that issue was not addressed. The surgeon was too busy telling me (after one look at my face) that I was over-stressed and under-rested and offering to write me a prescription for bed rest. Yet another reason for the job search.

I cleared out my closets (again): 5 bags, 3 boxes, 4 purses, and 3 pairs of shoes…all gone. The clothing was either too big or I simply no longer wore them. The closet is still snug but there is breathing room now. I got some under the bed shoe organizers and cleared up a ton of floor space, so the studio looks larger. I like getting rid of the things that no longer fit my body (or life) and neatly storing the things that do. Spring cleaning all the way around, people.

Him (husband of the Big Tittied Hooker, and the ex that prompted this blog) may or may not have answered my ad. Quick backstory: about 3 months ago, a guy answered my ad. I do know he did not send a picture and really want to say I didn’t send one either; in any case, dude emails me about 10 days ago, addressing me by name (!!) and saying he was uncomfortable with the fact that we had worked together on the Island, but if I did not mind, he did not either. And he signed the email with Him’s name.

The one thing that made me think it was Him was my entire time at the Island, there were only 3 men with Him’s name: one has now passed away and the second guy is devotedly married to a sickly woman. His time is spent between work and family, period. He does not happy hour, he does not hang out with co-workers after hours, and he doesn’t internet on pages like the one I posted my ads. So that leaves Him. We did set a date to meet, but “Him” cancelled last minute, and when asked if he was still at the Island, said he had left the Island for downtown DC. I told Chef and Artsy Craftsy, and with a ton of extensive research, we discovered no other guy with Him’s name had worked at the Island during my timeframe I did. (Remember, the guy specifically said we had worked together) I asked when he left the company; no answer. I flat out asked the guy if he was Him; again, no answer. And for now, no further correspondence. Strange and weird, but so was Him. For now, it has been back-burnered because none of us no longer have energy or interest enough in Him to worry about it.

Well, I guess this is enough for now. I will be back with new posts and updates, including the Sister Someone post (finally!).  As always, thanks to all who stop past to read and keep tabs on a sista, and as usual….enjoy your day!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Facebook Official

Welcome to 2017, everyone! It is a new year (that has taken off as if propelled from a rocket…I completely missed January) and the USA has a new president, which the entire world is protesting. Not going to get all political; just hoping, wishing, and praying I am not picking cotton on the National Mall this time next year.

When I sat down to write, I had at least 2 posts in mind…..still need to discuss Sister Someone, but that would require too much thought and work; besides, I would probably have to face even more defects within myself that have not been addressed and/or are not fully understood, and I don’t have time for that right now. The other one was a letter to women, but after the Women’s March, going to shelve that one for a few. Let’s bask in the fact that we came together internationally, millions strong, to speak our pieces. And we were heard; if not by all, then by some.

No, today I want to talk about my contentment….it is still here, that feeling of happiness and satisfaction, a feeling I thought was reserved for other people. But lately, it seems to be spurring both an action and an introspection within me. A demand that I be treated with respect, that my value and worth be recognized…..to be fair, this is probably normal and healthy but I am new to normal and healthy. Perhaps those memes and sappy sayings on social media are right: when you realize your value and worth, you won’t allow others who don’t to be around you. And what they didn’t tell me was that I will defend and protect my peace.

Yes, I am actually walking away from those who do not see who I am and what I offer, and standing my ground with no fear of losing someone. I find myself praying to God, Mother Mary, and Little Baby Jesus that folks delete my contact information as they walk away. I no longer apologize for nor feel the need to explain my boundaries. They are in place and either you can respect them or you can’t. I am watching actions more and listening to words less. I am no longer waiting…..I don’t even recall giving that up, but I have. The expectations, the anticipations….poof, be gone.

I have grown from the hurt, learned from the pain. And then, as life (mean teacher that it is) sometimes does, it gave me a pop quiz. Remember when Prince Charming reached out via Linked In?  I accepted and countered with a FB friend request. I thought I was defending and protecting my peace because the man has always turned tail and ran when confronted. Well, guess who accepted? Somehow, I feel I failed the pop quiz and my peace is giving me the side eye.

It should be noted neither of us are speaking to the other, but he has sent Candy Crush requests. I have no idea what he wants. His pictures convey a happiness and contentment with his new life and family. Somehow, I do not think there is a seat for me at the table when they have family game night.  I have no idea what I want; there is no trust and he is married, so definitely not a reconciliation. What I am looking for, he cannot offer.

Part of me (okay, the majority of me) wonders what the hell are both of us doing (seriously, WHAT??) but the stalker in me is ecstatic at unfettered social media access which was freely given by the stalkee. A stalkee who knows he was being stalked. How often does THAT happen? And the bewildered little girl in me is happy to have a timeline to cement her closure and confirm her suspicions. So yes, I may be an idiot and a fool, but I am one taking advantage of an opportunity that I have never had before.

Cuz is livid at this turn of events, saying we are obviously thinking more about each other now than when we were together. Morning Person says we are falling for the crazy again. UTA is wondering why neither of us is using the block and delete features Facebook is famous for. Lexie Grey is not speaking to me unless it is food related. Me? I am sitting here looking stupid.

I am no longer the person I was back then; the one who shed tears and wishing I had what the Mexican Girlfriend had (attributes, flaws and all) just so I could still be with Prince Charming. Acceptance had finally sunk in (it has been 3 years) and I was moving along, living a life that did not include him. I still am, but now it’s as if he is on the fringes, and there is still a tiny part of me that wants him to make things right. I do know that just because we act as if we are strangers, we really aren’t, and maybe Prince Charming knows this also. Or maybe I am once again the man too much credit.

No idea what is going on or what this turn of events will turn into….it could be completely nothing, or it could be the start of brand new drama. Never know what you are going to get when 2 crazy, assbackward people think they can handle shit.

So this is all for now…..I will be back with new posts, possibly an update. Wishing all the couples out there a wonderful Valentine’s Day and for you single (like me) folks who may be looking for plans that do not involve being surrounded by lovers, Hooters will give you free wings AND shred a picture of your ex for you on February 14. Check it out!

As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading, and as always….enjoy your day!

 

 

 

 

 

Silent Night

It is late on a Christmas Eve….Christmas is about 10 minutes away, and I am listening to anything but Christmas carols. I just came in from dinner and movies with Downstairs Neighbor. If you step into my apartment, it looks like March 23rd…..no Christmas decorations, not even a holiday card is displayed. I did not cook for the holiday; I plan to eat leftovers in between sleeping and catching up on TV shows. And I have never been happier to just have at least 2 days where I do absolutely nothing.

Gone (for now) are the unhappy holiday seasons where I was alone with heartbreak and unanswered questions. The Thanksgiving after Him had dumped me and married the Big Tittied Hooker still stands out….the darkness, the pain, the endless crying. The Christmas after Prince Charming had married the Mexican Girlfriend and I spent the entire day and night stalking their FB pages, not eating, and crying, crying, crying. The months and years I spent telling myself I was fine and I didn’t care.

This year, I AM fine and I really don’t care. I am at that place where I am totally at peace with myself; I have what matters: a roof over my head, rent in case the landlord shows up asking for it, clothes, no worries about my next paycheck, incredible friends, and a sense of self-everythings. My health could use some help: Dottie has been a little out of whack lately but blaming it on me having both bronchitis and gall stones….and still smoking and eating greasy foods. It always has taken me a little time to actually learn a lesson.

So as I sit here, marveling at the fact that 2016 will be history in about one week, I wonder what 2017 has in store. It seems that 2016 gave us a Chicago Cubs World Series win (first in 108 years) and all it cost us was a slew of celebrity deaths and America losing its political sanity. I have nothing against DJ Trump but who he is getting to mind the store while he tweets, runs his businesses, and produces a reality TV show has me just a tad worried. I need a President who knows that Leader of the Free World is not a part-time job.

I did not have hopes and dreams for 2016…after surviving 2014 and 2015, I expected 2016 to simply be a repeat. But I was pleasantly surprised by how normal it was, and my emotional growth spurt that has allowed to me to grow both as a person and an employee. I feel so empowered knowing that no one can take away my self-everythings and no one is worth me downplaying myself in any way, at any time. I no longer want to revisit the past or have it revisit me. I want to enjoy the present and await what the future holds.

It has taken me a long, long, long  time to get to this point, so my hopes, dreams and goals for 2017 are simple: to be a more efficient communicator, which will be hard as I tend to surround myself with folks who hear what they want to hear, how they want to hear it; to continue to recognize  and value my self-everythings and not tolerate any behaviors or persons that do not; and for my family unit to remain intact and in good health for another 365 days.  Of course there will be hiccups and setbacks, and for that I pray for strength and a continuous renewal of my faith to hold me steady.

So I am going to wrap this up now…..I wish everyone a safe, blessed, bright and happy holiday week. Please be safe, and focus on appreciating what you do have versus mourning what you don’t. It makes all the difference. I will be back in 2017 with new posts and updates and fingers crossed you will be here to share them with me.

As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always…..enjoy your day!

 

Out of the Blue

 It has been quite awhile since I have written. Maybe I should stop blogging, compile an email list, and just send out a monthly newsletter. Once acceptance and contentment move in, and drama moves out….there really isn’t a lot to say, talk about, or analyze. I do hope everyone reading had a safe, relaxing, and bountiful Thanksgiving. I went to NC to spend it with my family, and it was great! Tiny Human running around and into walls (he’s 18 months and has discovered the joys of running), a burnt turkey that still got demolished, my brother was home, and lots of laughter. Debating a move to Richmond, VA to ensure I am on the right side of I-95; that highway is ridiculous from Fredericksburg to DC and beyond. And Richmond is less than 3 hours from NC.

So not a lot has been going on but there are a couple of things I feel are worth mentioning. Mostly that I am evolving, but not as evolved as I thought I was and apparently I am still a fool for a handsome face. And, if my Panel is to be believed, I need to upgrade what I deem handsome to be because I am being a fool for incredibly average faces.

But first, I want to share that my good friend Weekend Phone Friend has lost his weekend job. (sad face emoji. 2 of them) A part of me is incredibly happy that for the first time in the ten years I have known him, the man will have a normal work schedule instead of his 60 hour, 7 day a week grind he has been maintaining long before I knew him. He deserves to break free and sleep in on a Saturday morning. The other part misses my friend, our late night/early morning talks; I miss his advice, his laughter, and his stories. We have each other’s phone numbers, but our schedules are not compatible but I am going to make time to call him and catch up. I keep wondering who is going to help me make sense of men now, and I know that he would love the story I am about to tell.

So you all know (or maybe you don’t) that the hospital had their annual convention I early November; this year, the destination was San Diego. I was asked if I would be a team player and pitch in since The Intern Dr. Cross is no longer on staff; he has turned in his scrubs to be the next Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. I basically (in a an aggressively passive way) turned it down for three reasons: I cannot keep up with the accelerated pace that comes with convention; NO WAY am I putting myself in THAT pressure cooker: every year, people come back not speaking to each other and resignation letters in hand; and, I needed a break from being the whipping bitch/scapegoat. I get 2 weeks a year to break away from that role, and I am not giving up one of them.

Well,  I am in the office (not alone, as the Hospital has taken on Tenants who were there every day and held phone banking and grilled cheese parties every evening), scarfing down spicy beef lo mein and Facebooking (it was lunchtime, I swear), when who should walk through the door but The Pilot! He came to take me to lunch (so he says) but saw me with soy sauce on my chin and more than likely, a noodle hanging from my mouth, so he asked if he could sit and chat instead. The shock had worn off, and I am strong and steadfast in my commitment to myself and my singlehood, so I tell him sure. And talk was pleasant: we laughed, complimented each other, and then it happened. Not sure if I was surprised, but I was a little disappointed and angry in myself, and wondering when my office became a bootleg love nest.

 I kissed the Pilot. Deeply. I got up to do something with my cell phone, he grabbed me by my waist, and there it was. And It was sooooo everything I had been missing. But. But. But….what happened to me being happily single, not wanting to be at the mercy of lying men who want only to use me sexually? Oh, AND he lied about being a Mormon. (Leave it to me to find yet another Mormon I am apparently ga-ga over)  But that kiss was amazing, and the look in his eyes when he was looking at me…. I walked around still feeling his kiss the next day, but the day after that? Back to normal. Head back in the game, heart on lockdown. We.Are.Good. And then I got a notification from LinkedIn….

Prince Charming was viewing my profile. PRINCE CHARMING. Yes, that guy. The Secret Mormon. Perhaps my true first love, the one I loved more than anything, the one who lied to me and I still begged to be his sidepiece. The one with the Mexican Girlfriend. My heart was in my throat and I was so giddy…but he was just looking. Nothing more, but at least he was stalking me also! You KNOW it’s true love when you stalk each other without saying a word.

And then, he extended an invitation to join his network…and I accepted immediately.  Not going to lie to anyone, it almost felt like we had gotten back together. Here is where I feel the need to state publicly that I probably need professional help and to be banned from dating and love. Apparently, I just NEVER learn a lesson. I was filled with questions: What does this mean?  What happened to all the FUCK YOUs I had for him? Mind you, the man STILL has not said ONE WORD. Nada. So why am I blowing things out of proportion? I will tell you why: if I am like this when he hasn’t said a word, what will I do if he does? These are not thoughts and feelings that accompany vindictive satisfaction (think: I knew you would come back mindset); no, these thoughts and feelings are a my soulmate has returned to me mindset.

Well, I could not walk around like that for the next however long….so I reached out to my Panel and talked it out for 2 days. Lexie Grey wants all of my devices to have a social media ban on the man, but I can’t quite bring myself to do that. But I did come up with an idea that seemed pretty assbackwards, but that is the way I am. My mama always said I was born assbackwards and been that way ever since, but it works for me. You gotta fight crazy with crazy…..so I took the bull by the horns and sent Prince Charming a Facebook friend request. If we are going the social media route, go big. (UTA said that his reconnection was the lamest thing she had ever heard of, but then again, the man has always been a lame one) And it worked: the man has not acknowledged the request, and has stayed silent.

Believe it or not, I am so glad for that. I obviously still like the man waaay too much. I am not ready for a relationship, and definitely not the one I deserve; I am still too eager to gather the crumbs that fall from his sandwich to make my meal. More time is needed: to recognize and remember my worth, to strengthen my resolve, to let the tape rewind all the way back. And I realized something else: for all I miss about Prince Charming and the majority of our time together, I found I did not miss the roller coaster of emotions, the overthinking, and the never-ending questions about his actions or lack thereof.

I enjoy being single, being content, not worrying about nor thinking about what someone is doing all day, everyday. For the first time in a very long time, I am present in the moment and enjoying my friends, my family and my boring ass life. I truly do not want a bae or a boo or a boyfriend….just kinda want to stay with me for a minute. Even with holiday season officially here, I am looking forward to maybe a nice Christmas Eve dinner with neighbors and friends, being on my own schedule, and vegging out; there are no feelings of being incomplete or of missing out on something. Strange how I always thought I was waiting for the return (or arrival) of that someone special, but what I was waiting for was this feeling of being enough for me….and it has finally arrived.

So this is what has happened since we last spoke. I do have posts planned including my reflections on 2016, and a letter to all women. If I can get them out before the end of the year, I will be as surprised as you. As usual, thank you dear readers for stopping past to check on me, and as always…..enjoy your day!

 

 

Living Single

Before we even get started, this is NOT the Sister Someone post. I am still gathering intel, sorting information and processing the sheer fuckery of the situation. But it’s coming soon. Instead, today I am going to share with you my epiphany, which occurred at a funeral of all places.

I have been busy with work (it is both board meeting season and annual convention time),  and in my free time, trying to catch up with fall TV….this year has some amazing choices and I am trying to sample each one, not to mention follow and keep up with the fall edition of Big Brother. One other thing I have been doing (or attempting to do) is date….both arrangements and traditional. What I have found out is I am done with one and the other one….we’re just not ready for each other.

However, this is not news; the news is I didn’t believe it. Ever since the Prince Charming fiasco, I have been faking it until I could make it. I was single again and not by choice…frankly, I was probably always single (despite having someone in my life)  but that requires a depth of introspection and analysis that is way above my paygrade; I was hurting, and had to soothe the hurt somehow. I was trying to rush my healing and gave myself pep talks, told myself positive things, and told myself (and everyone else) that I was fine.

And somewhere along the way, I really was fine. The wound scabbed over, but I kept nursing it because I don’t know what fine and normal feel like. Then everyone I knew was getting into a relationship and seemed so happy. I am dealing with a very demanding, high stress, ego deflating job, and hey, wouldn’t it be nice to meet someone to talk with, laugh with, share food and laughter with? Someone to exchange massages with and to be told how pretty and capable I am? Wrong, wrong, wrong. Keep reading to find out why.

Arrangements:

I knew a while ago I was done with the arrangements, for a lot of reasons and yet, I still kept trying. At this point, I don’t even know why.  The Number One reason to be done with them was I did not need them any longer…..I have steady, livable wage income. Factor that in with they have been up (off and on) for about 7 years, the fact that I am not getting responses like I used to, the crazy factor is up a jillion points with 8 out of 10 responders and there you have it. I no longer have the time, energy, and dare I say…the appeal I once had. Then there is the karma factor…no matter how I try to dress it up or justify it, I am a part time hooker being intimate with other people’s partners and spouses. My happily ever after will not be found there. But on my journey of self-discovery, there were some notable responders:

Tiny Penis Dude: A lesson learned from Pudgy: men are bigger whores than women, more insecure than women, and huge hypocrites…which is why Tiny Penis Dude and I fell out. He is telling me how he is really small down there (and yes, he really is as well as super thin. It looks like a #2 pencil that has been sharpened to within an inch of its life); in any case, he is trying to get out of using protection, except he keeps me asking me how clean I am, how often I see a doctor, etc. Why would you ask me (the chick with the condom) about my hygiene and status? You should be telling me/showing me that a condom is not needed with you. Trust me on this, as small as this dude is, he does not use a condom with anyone and I am not the only ad he has answered. But because I am the chick with the ad, I have to be the one with the reassurances.

Crazy Married Dude: This dude is a very different person from Married Man and if you don’t know it, here is his backstory. He wants to reconnect based on our history, and what I have learned from men is when they talk about your history together, it is usually how well you treated them. They have no recollection of what they did. He says he will pay me, BUT I have to actually want him, I have to accommodate his schedule, and cannot get angry if he flakes…he is married you know, and his wife’s health is precarious. Believe it or not, it is his wife’s health and his flippant attitude towards it that makes me dislike the man even more. His wife’s health isn’t poor or declining….it’s precarious. And he wants to fuck around. Does this man think with his big head at all?

While there are plenty of other disastrous stories I could tell (including the guy who spent 4 hours trying to sext under the pretext of setting an appointment or the single dad of 4 who cannot understand why I rejected his $40 and wants to know how much I make annually), there were some good outcomes: the construction manager who had the penthouse suite of a downtown hotel and I spent an hour receiving a massage while taking in a breathtaking view of the city; the lawyer from Detroit who worshipped me from scalp to feet, and afterward  told me he envied the man I eventually end up with because I am an amazing catch; the younger guy from Brooklyn who had the most amazing playlist and told me how he would show me NYC at 2am.  (I thought he we could be soulmates: he lives in Brooklyn, I live in Brookland; we are both chubby, we both smoke cigarettes, and we both love NFL football) For brief, fleeting moments I was pretty, desired, and while I could not leave my reality behind, I felt refreshed, recharged and as if I were not all alone. THIS….this is what I am trying to capture for more than an hour or two at a time….but it isn’t my time yet. Obviously.

Traditional Dating:

Part of my healing process has me wanting to give up the “for love or money” attitude I have towards sex. I am a single, healthy woman with lots of sexual drive and desire left and according to most accounts I am missing out on the best part of being single: dating and possibly casual sex. Yes, my history with men is littered with abuse, rape and disrespect but this is my present. I have self-worth, and can validate myself. I am no longer that girl from my past, but her scars linger. And the shallow, polluted dating pool (replete with its plethora of stupid men) make the scars throb.

The Contractor: This guy reminds me why I don’t like men or dating. He answered a rant I posted on Craigslist about how stupid, disrespectful and sex obsessed men are (seriously, they tell you how they are into so many interests and hobbies, how respectful and classy they are and negate it all with a dick pic. Every once in a while I vent about it, and usually it gets flagged and removed), and he answered. He wanted to take me to lunch and find out more about the fascinating and articulate mind that posted the rant. I told him I was not looking to date or have sex; just ranting. He said it was just lunch, nothing more. Okay. Except the days leading up to the lunch date, he emailed constantly, and on the day of the date….he cancelled. He cancelled 3 times to be exact: the house he and his buddies are buying (at 62, he is trying to get the band back together) had mold; he was waiting on his new Corvette to be delivered; and lastly, someone severed a finger on the job site. When he went for a 4th rescheduling, I shut him down; 2 weeks later, he emailed me from the restaurant asking if I would meet him there. Well, hell…it’s free food, right? But, it was a borefest….he ordered nothing, just drank a beer and kept looking at his watch. No conversation, no insightful questions, none of the anecdotes and chatter that comprised his emails. We have not spoken since.

The Nice Guy: This guy reminded me just how much I have  been disrespected by men in my life. He was another who answered the rant and we struck up email chat. He seemed very nice and really interesting, so when he suggested dinner and movie, I was happy to say yes. Even though he works and lives at National Harbor, he said he would come to DC; if I insisted on covering an expense (I did), I could get movie tickets. He would cover parking and dinner. Of course I was late (work related), but he was super understanding. Dinner was delicious, conversation went well. We went to the movies, and when he suggested I go get seats while he bought my concessions, it struck me that not one man had ever stood in line to buy me popcorn. Not one. The few times I have gone to the movies with a guy, I was on my own if I wanted concessions; they would grab the seats and once, dude grabbed only one seat. I was stuck looking for my own. The movie was good and even better because he did not talk during the movie; afterwards, he took me home. We hugged, said what a great time it was, and then he disappeared. Even my thank you email went unanswered, so just chalking that up to a really nice night out. Nothing is wrong with either of us….it was just a pleasant interlude along the journey.

Catfish: If the Contractor showed me why I dislike dating, this dude shows me why I will probably never date again, and trade in my #relationshipgoals for #assistedlivinggoals. This dude answered my arrangements ad, and is a liar from way, way back. First, he presents himself as a lawyer…he isn’t. He is a government analyst. Maybe. Who knows? Secondly, he says he understands financial generosity but either he doesn’t or he thinks I don’t. Taking me to Bennett Hair School for a $10 perm and haircut is not what I am looking for, although if he can get my wigs shampooed and styled, I may consider it. Then he says he is seeking traditional dating and women who post ads like mine are usually seeking that also.

So I have a liar with reading comprehension skills with his own agenda; no problem as that describes most of the men I meet. I tell him I am not looking to date and I certainly know how to post an ad for that.   He then asks if we can meet for lunch or dinner…..except I have to come to his neck of the woods (work neighborhood), and he wants to know how I will be approaching him. Is he a john, potential boyfriend or what? I don’t get that as I do not approach people as anything other than people, and told him so….he obviously misread the ad and I am not looking to date, so if I decide to meet, it would be two people meeting for the first time. No expectations, no preconceived notions. Period. And then red flags really started popping off…

He has contradicted himself to agree with everything I say, he claims to be in recovery but drinks like a fish, he wants me to be Superwoman and protect/provide for him (no mention of his superpowers or what he offers in a relationship), and while he claims to not be seeking sex off the bat, he has texted and called (we exchanged numbers when he was presenting himself as a legitimate client) at prime booty call hours: midnight-3am. He cancelled two lunch meetings. And when we exchanged pictures, I realized that we had met before, about 6 years ago. He used the same pictures then and did not look anything like them, so doubt anything has changed. His pictures show a Greek God-like model; in reality, he looks like Les Grossman (Tom Cruise’s character in Tropic Thunder). Back then, I was Really Fat Robin and he told me he could not date a smoker. Fast forward to today, and he did not recognize who I am now (have I lost that much weight?) and my smoking is not an issue. Which tells me I was too fat for him back then. For all their faults, I will give it to Married Man, AFO, Him, and Prince Charming….they saw my beauty (for a little while) despite my weight.

This is a guy I will have to dumb myself down for (and I am already dumb enough), listen to lies and call them the truth, and become the crazy nag for. Correct me if I am wrong, but I have been there, done that and don’t think I enjoyed it very much.

But wait…there’s more! Married Man and Nebraska are both trying to reconnect….I have received texts from MM (I had no idea who he was and did not recognize his phone number at all) and DMs on Facebook from Nebraska, wanting to get together in April when he returns to the DC area.  Two men who offered nothing but disrespect on levels unheard of and believing their version of our history. Well, if they don’t remember, I do and thanks but no thanks.

  Is it any wonder I do not want to date or be in a relationship?  I want to stay single, especially now that I truly am happily so. Being single is like living alone: everything is just as you left it, no matter how clean and neat or cluttered and dirty. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, and have the freedom to do all you want. I don’t have to be perfect, or walking on eggshells, or try to fit a certain ideal or preference because I like and accept me just the way I am. And did I mention I am the most amazing lover I ever had? I make me so happy in all ways, all the time. IF and when I decide to go fishing for dates again, it is going to be in a clear lake that has no public access.

So that is what has been going on ; once the craziness of Board meeting and Convention season dies down, I will be back with the latest in the story of Sister Someone and Brother Everything. I hope everyone has been well and enjoying fall and all it brings. Enjoy that pumpkin spice everything while you can.  As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always….enjoy your day!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Out of the Woodwork

A lot of stuff has gone on that I simply have not had time to put on paper; there has not been enough time nor energy to do a lot lately. That is going to change….it is time to work smarter, not harder. It is time to be far more selective about my social circle and my playmates. It is time to make the time for my friends and for my me time.

So let’s just jump into all the things that have happened that not only brought me to this conclusion, but makes me want to actually implement it. (You guys know I talk a damned good game but procrastinate on walking the walk) And what would a post from me be if it did not contain updates/laments/mentions about the “men” I have somehow been involved with on an intimate level? I have some blasts from the past for this time around.

50th Birthday: I turned half a hundred last week, and I was a pool of emotions. First, grateful and blessed because  once upon a time, I never thought I would live to see 25. The life I led, the obstacles I had to overcome, the hardships…yes, they were all a result of choices I made but to have made it out on the other side alive and sane and in a process of healing all of the wounds? Thank You, Jesus! But, it’s 50….and I am single, still picking up the pieces of both a broken heart and life, still feeling like a lost little girl on the inside. None of that matters though…I am here, I am healthy and frankly, look better than I ever have. Who knows how many years I have left and now is the time to make the rest of my life the best of my life. I want more laughter, more happiness and more adventures (of the good kind) in my life…I can make that happen and no time like the present.

Food Poisoning: I suffered through a bout of slow moving food poisoning that I honestly thought was going to kill me. It came about from eating 4 day old leftover Chinese food (shrimp egg foo young) from some hole in the wall ghetto carryout that I refuse to eat from again in life, but they did have some good fried food and that fried rice with extra egg was bangin’! It lasted almost 10 days (fun fact: food poisoning can last anywhere from 2 days to 2 months), and all I could stomach was broth, saltines and Gatorade. I took off work for the 1st day of it (and shoutout to Lexie Grey who came to check on me, brought me said saltines and Gatorade and said nothing about the odors permeating from both me and my apartment) and worked through the remainder of it. Yang fed me pho and praised my dedication and I ended up losing 15 pounds! The Intern Dr. Cross swears I am just one food poisoning away from being skinny, and he’s treating to the next order of egg foo young.

David, The Scientist Guy:  I think I have mentioned this guy before: an author from Seattle whose passion in the bedroom upgrades his talents from average to really, really good. And he likes all the electronics off…no lights, no TV, no music. He is an author who lives in Seattle and he came back to town not too long ago. He emails, I show up and while he hasn’t changed a bit, he did dye his hair a bright/deep purple. Like Baltimore Ravens uniform purple, so he kinda looks like a character from the cartoon Ed, Edd and Eddy. We met on an evening when Yang was in her element and I was her target….there were after hour texts and emails that frustrated me so badly, I cried. David was there with shoulder rubs, neck kisses and hugs. We shut off the phone, shut out the world and relieved stress. It was nice to relax and unwind after a stressful day that way and I almost toyed with the idea of actively pursuing a real world relationship with someone. And then David ruined it…..as I was pocketing the donation on my way out the door, he says he wants a 3some next time(November) and asked me to set it up. So I left the hotel wondering why I simply was never good enough or just plain enough for a man, even when it came to an arrangement/agreement.

Alabama Business Man: THIS guy is my favorite date. With him, I get the Boyfriend Experience every time. There are flower petals on the bed, conversation about our lives, laughter, nudity (remember the indoor naked picnic?) and compliments galore. I met with him the week after David and again, on a day where Yang had been cracking a whip. I told him I needed to decompress and he sprang into action. When I arrived, he met me at the door with a cold diet Pepsi and he undressed me while I sipped it. While I was being spoiled, I noticed he had gotten a haircut that somehow made him look like Moe from the Three Stooges. But then he started doing things with his tongue that made my eyes roll back in my head and all thoughts of his haircut went away.

We laid in the dark, enjoying a comfortable silence, tracing lazy circles on each other’s skin. He stood me in front of a mirror (NAKED) and asked what I did not like….and told me why he did like it. He proposed marriage. Conditional marriage…basically his wife has to divorce him or die. Even though the marriage is unhappy (based on his version of the story), the kids would be devastated. The kids are 26, 24, 21 and 17. I think Moe loves his family but not his marriage. We feasted on room service: scallops, calamari, chicken tenders, French fries, pizza with extra cheese, pepperoni and jalapenos, and chocolate cake. Don’t be jealous…it was hotel food so it wasn’t that tasty.

What I like best about Alabama Business Man is that there are no fantasies he wants me to become, I am not objectified (if you knew how many men saw me as only a pair of tits or some urban version of Xena, Warrior Princess), and no strange positions. We both know at our age and weight, it would be both unsatisfying and painful. Cuddling in the afterglow would be replaced by sharing a glass of water and a bottle of motrin. It’s NORMAL…no extreme fetishes, no control issues, no playing a role. Me…plain old me with the unpermed hair, the not so pretty feet and still chubby tummy….I am more than good enough. And that is when I realized that not everyone will see my worth and realize I am more than enough all by myself; instead of beating myself up that I am the only one who sees it, appreciate the ones (when they come along) who do. Alabama will be back in town in October, and I am counting the days.

Man with the Biblical Name: It has been a good 3 years since I have seen this guy…..last time was right before Prince Charming entered the scene. It’s strange how you can totally forget someone but once you’re reminded of them, it all comes back. Unfortunately for MWTBN, all that came back was the bullshit. He was a pretty regular client when I was chronically unemployed, and our sessions were nice. Then he started wanting to do more and make plans, which he never followed through on. When I pointed out he was the one who wanted to do the weekend in Ocean City and dinner at Blues Alley, he backpedaled quickly stating that this should be a “see ya when I see ya” sort of deal….and I never saw him again. Until last week.

I was taking a smoke break at work and headed back into the building (and a desk full of work) when I heard my name called. I turned and it was MWTBN, except I did not know it was him. I mean, he looked familiar (I thought he was one of Fun One’s (the guy who owns the temp agency) gay friends, or perhaps an old boss I had cussed out (which was soon followed by me being fired by the Mayor of DC). So I am there doing that awkward conversation folks have when wracking their brain trying to put a name with face. I finally told him his name escapes me, and he identified himself. You could tell he was hurt he was not as memorable to me but I am so over it. A single guy who cannot meet except on a lunch hour and who disappeared when called out on his shit? I no longer have time for boys who simply want to shelve the good thing that lands in their lap. The conversation ended with him telling me how great I looked and that he would text me soon. Hasn’t happened and guess who ain’t mad?

Pantyhose Dude: This guy was my longest running client outside of Secret Lover (I met Pantyhose Dude on Craigslist when it was useful and functional, that is how long ago that was) and he is certainly the weirdest. He has a fetish for big black women wearing white panty hose and an extensive knowledge of Nazi Germany. He made me wear a pantyhose suit for our sessions and when he was at home, uses some sort of early version of a fleshlight to masturbate 4 times a day. He has no idea how to kiss and does not believe in foreplay. He disappeared about 3 years ago and I did not miss him at all. So imagine my surprise when he texts me, saying he is missing our times together. He wants to get together. I have not responded and do not plan to. For what? My life has moved on beyond listening to readings from The Third Reich while wearing a pantyhose suit. For real, there needs to be some sort of Booty Call Etiquette; first rule is if there has been no communication/contact after 3 months, don’t contact the person at all.

The Pilot: Ahhhh, my near miss. Let me just get this one out the way right now: The Pilot is a Mormon. A Mormon!! (For someone not on social media, he popped up often enough in google searches and Facebook in case you are wondering how I found out) I am still recovering from the first one and just getting over being ghosted two consecutive times. Now I have to deal with the fact that Mormon men and I may be secretly attracted to each other. I could be a #secretMormon…that’s scary. But I digress…I woke up one morning to an email from The Pilot and immediately a smile came to my face. (not good) He wants to know how I am doing, he enjoyed lunch, he wants to see me. As much as I wanted to respond, I refrained because I cannot take a chance on even one encounter, paid or not.  He is a married Mormon (with 2 small baby girls) who is paying me attention and I find him funny, charming and interesting ….a well-known recipe for disaster.

So these are my updates…it may not seem like much but I definitely see some maturity, growth and self-awareness. It has taken me a lot of years, hard work and half-assed relationships to reach this point: where I can give myself the answers, where I can avoid the traps, and sidestep the cycles of unfulfillment. From this springboard, I will begin the rest of my life. Every day is a fresh start where I can choose happiness, positivity and put crazy in the corner….and that is the plan.

I will be back soon to tell you guys about my 5 hour catch up session with Sister Someone. If you have never read a Sister Someone post before, get your snacks and aspirins ready. You will need them. As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always….enjoy your day!

 

Dilbert’s Decline

Once again, it has been awhile since I posted. I am trying to figure out when my schedule got so busy that I have never ending to-do lists at both work and home and when my energy levels disappeared. In all honesty, not a lot has been going on but the few things that have, I really want to write/talk about and explore because they have made me think, self-examine and I see where I need to turn some things around. Again, the process has turned inward.  This post is going to be part one of two because there is a lot of ground to cover and it is best to separate the situations so I can truly focus on how they made me feel and what I can do to take back my power.

First, I guess you may be wondering who is Dilbert? Well, Dilbert is the new name for Reliable One. I was thinking of a new name for the man since he stopped paying my rent and all credit goes to The Intern Dr. Cross for coming up with the new name. When he saw a picture of the man, he screamed that he looked exactly like the cartoon character Dilbert, down to the shirt and tie. I must say I agree with the assessment.

So, everyone knows I met Dilbert about 9 years ago (via Yahoo personals of all things), that he is a fetishist with a thing for extremely obese and overly tall women and has never left his mama’s house. He told me I was his dream woman but he would never have sex with me because he felt he was not man enough.  He is also a commitment-phobe who was seeing me and his other Non-Girlfriend simultaneously: he would take her on vacations and I got my rent paid. Then his mother died.

He had moved the Non-Girlfriend into his home 6 months before his mother passed because the Non-Girlfriend got dumped by her live-in boyfriend (he fell for some Brazilian big booty chick from the internet and moved to be with her); NG got stuck with the house which fell into foreclosure. Dilbert never told me any of this; it slipped when he was telling me he would no longer be paying my rent and I had to find a Plan C and do the best I could.  A part of me wondered why I was the one being hung out to dry but I did not think too hard about it; after all, I cannot live with other people, especially people who are non-smoking hoarders and cheap to boot. Besides, it had been a nice ride (over 5 years) and I had the job at Seattle Grace. I could become truly independent again. It was time to learn how to adult and I was ready.

I did try to stay in touch with Dilbert, I really did. I called his house but there was never an answer. I called his job and got voicemail. Emails to his work address went unanswered. I did not try too hard…my exes taught me that when efforts go unanswered, they are wasted indeed. And the man was no longer paying my rent, so why in the hell was I trying? And then Dilbert called me: first at work when I was on the other line with someone else. Followed immediately by a call to my cellphone and then to my house phone…so he COULD reach out when he wanted to.

I called him back and we ended up having dinner at a nice steakhouse where he told me he was hoping his job became permanent and that Non-Girlfriend had quit her job. I was speechless for about 5 minutes for two reasons. First, Dilbert told me he had 38 years of federal government service under his belt….where was this “becoming permanent” coming from? (He has yet to answer that question) The second reason was that the NG was deliberately unemployed and he was okay with that. I quickly got over that piece of news though because like the exes before him, Dilbert seemed to have one set of qualifications for me and another for the woman he eventually ends up with. But something else was up: granted, Dilbert is cheap and extremely cost conscious but he has never said I could not order what I wanted, especially since I started producing groupons to help defer the costs. This evening however, he was reading prices aloud and actually counting on his fingers.

We ate while he complained about having a live-in Non-Girlfriend; I could not help but let my mind process the fact(s) that Dilbert’s mom, who lived to be 97 and survived two bouts of pneumonia, a hip replacement and a surgery doctors said would kill her, died 6 months after this chick moved in and 6 months later, Dilbert is talking about his job becoming permanent and is counting the cost of dinner on his fingers. I dismissed it as me being jealous, petty and jaded….such are the thoughts of a dumped side piece. Until the bill came and Dilbert excused himself to go to the bathroom…and never came back out. Oh, he eventually returned, 30 minutes later, AFTER I had paid the bill. And he did not even ask for the bill, just asked was it time to go. I did not say a word and let the entire incident drop.

Then Dilbert calls again…..some time had passed and I guess he thought I had forgotten about the dinner. This time, he said he wanted to take me someplace nice for lunch; my first suggestion got shot down as being “too nice” so we agree to a restaurant we NEVER go to. I get there and we sit down to order…and then he starts staring at the door as if he is seeing a ghost. When I ask what’s wrong, he says Non-Girlfriend is there and he wants me to hide under the table while he tries to make a run for it. I ‘m going to let that sink in for a minute: a man who no longer pays my rent, I have never had sex with and who claims this other woman is NOT his girlfriend, wants us to HIDE from her. Really??

I told Dilbert he had lost his mind…no way was I crawling beneath a table and he was not running. What he WAS going to do was walk over there and bring the woman back to the table, make introductions and we would all break bread together. He finally got up and talked to the Non-Girlfriend outside the restaurant. Meanwhile, my mind is racing a thousand miles a minute as I text the Panel and Lexie Grey….how did she know where we were having lunch? It makes no sense for anyone unemployed to travel into the heart of downtown DC at the height of lunch hour to eat alone at a place where the lunch special weighs in at $30 + tax. No other explanation, Dilbert told her and conveniently forgot to mention he was dining with a female.  The Panel was flabbergasted (I like that word) and Lexie kept telling me to come back to the office where I would be safe.

When Dilbert returned to the table, I asked him why he told his “roommate” (I even did air quotes) to meet us for lunch. He says he didn’t, she was coming down to have a networking lunch…just a coincidence. Except I don’t believe in coincidence. He then asked me to send this chick a Facebook friend request so she could see it was strictly platonic between us.  I totally ignored that statement. I then asked him what was he thinking telling me to hide under the table and his response? “You’re used to eating shit sandwiches so I did not think you would mind.” That statement still sticks with me and it pisses me off every.time. I would never think it was okay to treat someone as less than simply because they had to endure it in their past…just because I have eaten shit before does not mean I have acquired a taste for it.

I simply ordered a third lunch and two desserts, left it on his tab and returned to the office where I shared the food with my fellow residents. And then last week, Dilbert called again, wanting lunch at the pizza place next door to Seattle Grace. I did not want to go but Dr. Robbins and Morning Person said it was at least a free lunch. And I have figured out my role in Dilbert’s life now: I have been transitioned from Dream Woman to Listening Ear because true to form, he began bitching about life with the Non-Girlfriend. She can’t cook, won’t clean, won’t look for a job and is ragging him about a new air conditioning unit because the current one died In the middle of a heatwave. Her cat could die. He says he cannot afford it.  I told him to just shut up about it because the next step would be him proposing marriage to the woman. He says, “I hope not.” Then says I should gain weight so he can be attracted to me again. And that ended lunch.

You know, for all my growth and moving forward, two questions have taken up residence in the back of my mind. I will save one question for my next post but the other one is: how come I can’t keep the guy? I am all kinds of great things and I am more than a playmate…I am a helpmate with both a healthy sex drive and desire. I work, I cook, I clean, and am a generous girlfriend who believes in praise and submission. Yet, I am tossed aside for women with children and no desire to be employed …women with no desire to be wife material even after they get the ring. Women who are broke and determined to make their man broke too. I have been told I need to be a dominant bitch but that is not in me unless I am angry or hurt. A relationship should have neither of those qualities. But in thinking over and reading what transpired over 3 separate dates with Dilbert, I think I can answer the question.

In a way, it is me…with all my exes and Dilbert. I need a strong man…a man who will stand up to me, push me, challenge me. I don’t want to wear the pants in the relationship….I firmly believe in letting the man be the man. I do not want someone whose attraction to and love for me depends on what the scale says. I do not want someone who thinks it is okay to constantly offer me the shit end of the stick because I should be used to it. I don’t need a man who will constantly step outside our relationship to have his needs met (whatever they may be) instead of sitting down, having the hard talks and putting in the work to keep us growing in all ways. What I do need is someone who sees my strength and knows that every once in awhile, I need to be weak and vulnerable and will step in to carry the burden for me.  A man who respects himself enough to be truthful in every situation, who respects me and our relationship. I have yet to meet that man and I am getting better with the waiting part of the preparation process.

Okay, going to wrap this post up now and will be back sooner rather than later with Part 2. As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always….enjoy your day!